I honestly love people. I really do.
I am amazed at how God uses people and how we are capable of allowing him to use us. Saturday I had the privilege to help a family in need with a group of friends. The one thing in this life that makes me feel alive is when I am able to help others in need. What gives me greater joy is seeing others willing to make the same sacrifice. This was a last minute project but 4 other people were willing to sacrifice their Saturday to go to this family's home and help take care of their needs.
When the tornadoes came through Ringgold, it was such a tragedy. Many family's lost loved one, lost homes, and/or lost their sense of security. Each time I hear the wind pick up outside, hear thunder, or see lightning my heart breaks because I know that many people are terrified because that tornado didn't just take away homes, it took away their feeling of safety. Now many dread when they hear the sound of thunder and are filled with fear.
Many may wonder (as I have wondered myself) why on earth would God allow such events to take place such as natural disasters? Why would God allow a family to break? I don't have the answers but I can see one possible solution. When tragedy strikes a city or a person, people show love. It's really amazing when you think about it, the type of love that is poured onto people. After the tornadoes, people were sacrificing their time and money to help. When a family is broken and in need, a group of young adults in their 20's sacrifice a Saturday to help give a little piece of hope to someone who is blinded by the darkness that has engulfed their life. I can't describe what I feel inside when I see people pouring the love of God onto other people. It just makes me so happy and joyful to see that I'm not alone when it comes wanting to show love to others.
So why does tragedy happen? I think it happens because we see God more clearly in tragedy. God works miracles in our lives all the time but we tend to become more in tuned to what he is doing when we are on our last leg and in deep desperation. Personally, I know I'm closest to him when I am broken. You can't blame him for allowing tragedy into our lives when it gives Him time with us, especially when that is all he longs for is time with us. And what makes this time even more significant is that he doesn't need time with us, he just wants it.
I have a longing in my heart that I want fulfilled very deeply. I know that my day will come but it's just not my time. Knowing that it's not my time makes the waiting more difficult. Then I realize how God has helped me and how he continues to help me. Through this desert of loneliness he has carried me when I didn't have the strength to go any further. I dream of the day when my heart's desire will be fulfilled but I realize how I still want that desperation for God even though what I want will be fulfilled. I love feeling that desperation and longing for him, it drives me to spend time with him and to grow in a more personal relationship with him. I'm pretty sure God is always going to make me wait for what he has placed in my heart to long for and I'm slowly becoming more okay with this. The last thing I want is to wake up one day and have everything I've ever wanted and to not feel God's presence in my life.
Though tragedy hurts and waiting sucks, God has purpose. Even if the purpose is just to keep that longing and desperation for him stirred up in our hearts.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
3rd Times The Charm
God has been actively working in my life this week. I have had 3 days of God making things very clear. It all started Sunday in church. I've been attending Briarwood with Ashley and have throughly enjoyed it. A women stood up to discuss her struggles she's been having and God placed on my heart to tell her a verse. But, instead of saying something I kept my mouth shut. I kept doubting and giving excuses why I shouldn't say anything. As I was walking out of church another member called me out on it. He knew God had given me something to say and he knew I was letting what other's might think of me control what I say. I walked out in complete shock. I knew right then that God is wanting to use me and He's not going to let me give Him excuses any longer.
Monday comes along. I do my usually work routine and then go to class. I'm taking a summer course call Group Processes and in this class we actually hold group sessions. We had to write down 4 things about us and make one item a lie. After we did this we had to create one word that described our descriptions. My word was anxious. The next task was to state the word we wished our descriptions described, I chose bold. After stating my word to be bold, my professor asked why I chose bold. I stated that I wish I was less fearful and more bold. I began to say that I have things placed on my heart at times to say to people but I become fearful of what they might think, therefore I keep my mouth shut and do not say anything. My professor then proceeded to ask if I had felt the need to say anything to any of the group members tonight, I said no. She continued to ask me if I was sure there wasn't something I wanted to say, I said no again. As she kept on pushing the matter it came to me that yes I actually had thought of something but had pushed it back and forgot, so I said this to my professor but she wasn't good with this answer. Finally I sat for a moment and it came to me, I had thought of something to say while one of the group members were talk and had just blown it off and suppressed it. Once I remembered what it was that I needed to say, I said it to the group member. After saying what I needed to say, my professor asked how I felt after saying it. With tears in my eyes, I told her I felt like my shoulders were at my ears and I felt a knot in my chest. My professor looked at me and told me that this had made her very sad because what I told to the group member was very insightful. My group member even confirmed this for me. Once again, I felt God convicting me of the fear, anxiety, and suppression that I have created.
This all leads up to today, day 3 of God making sure I am hearing him VERY clearly. I go to prayer night at Briarwood and I have 2 men come up to me and tell me that God has placed on their hearts to talk to me and pray for me. Once again, I was told that I have been given a gift, a gift that is intended to help others and uplift them. And they too saw the struggles, fears, and doubt that I have been having that is hindering what God has in store for me. By this point, I had no excuses. I could not justify my way out of this reality that God has placed before me. God is leading me, he has a plan for me, and ultimately He LOVES me. This love is so beautiful because it is perfect, flawless, and extravagant, it's everything I'm not. Yet, he wants me to have it. He wants me to trust him and trust that He knows what he is doing. As it is said in Jeremiah 29:11, "I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for."
I was advised to create a prayer from Ephesians 1, starting in verse 17. I would like to share with you the prayer that I have created for myself. It's speaks exactly what I am longing for.
"Jesus Christ, My Lord, and My God, give me the intelligence and discernment in knowing You personally. May my eyes be focused and clear so I can see exactly what it is that You are calling me to do. May I begin to grasp the immensity of Your glorious way of life that You have for your followers. May I know the extravagance of Your work in those who trust You. May I experience the endless energy and boundless strength that comes in your name. Thank you Lord for loving me. Amen."
On another side note. God did something else very interesting today. As I was leaving to go to prayer it began to ran very hard. I was about to walk out of my house when I noticed the down pour. I wasn't too happy about running in the rain to my car but I just blew it off. I stepped outside under a part of the roof that stuck out to keep me dry while I shut the door. After I shut the door I took a deep breathe to prepare for my dodge to my car. I began my run to the car and noticed that the rain had stopped from down pouring and had turned into a light sprinkle. I get into my car and it begins raining hard again. I believe God was being very precious and gave me his umbrella while I ran out to my car :-)
Monday comes along. I do my usually work routine and then go to class. I'm taking a summer course call Group Processes and in this class we actually hold group sessions. We had to write down 4 things about us and make one item a lie. After we did this we had to create one word that described our descriptions. My word was anxious. The next task was to state the word we wished our descriptions described, I chose bold. After stating my word to be bold, my professor asked why I chose bold. I stated that I wish I was less fearful and more bold. I began to say that I have things placed on my heart at times to say to people but I become fearful of what they might think, therefore I keep my mouth shut and do not say anything. My professor then proceeded to ask if I had felt the need to say anything to any of the group members tonight, I said no. She continued to ask me if I was sure there wasn't something I wanted to say, I said no again. As she kept on pushing the matter it came to me that yes I actually had thought of something but had pushed it back and forgot, so I said this to my professor but she wasn't good with this answer. Finally I sat for a moment and it came to me, I had thought of something to say while one of the group members were talk and had just blown it off and suppressed it. Once I remembered what it was that I needed to say, I said it to the group member. After saying what I needed to say, my professor asked how I felt after saying it. With tears in my eyes, I told her I felt like my shoulders were at my ears and I felt a knot in my chest. My professor looked at me and told me that this had made her very sad because what I told to the group member was very insightful. My group member even confirmed this for me. Once again, I felt God convicting me of the fear, anxiety, and suppression that I have created.
This all leads up to today, day 3 of God making sure I am hearing him VERY clearly. I go to prayer night at Briarwood and I have 2 men come up to me and tell me that God has placed on their hearts to talk to me and pray for me. Once again, I was told that I have been given a gift, a gift that is intended to help others and uplift them. And they too saw the struggles, fears, and doubt that I have been having that is hindering what God has in store for me. By this point, I had no excuses. I could not justify my way out of this reality that God has placed before me. God is leading me, he has a plan for me, and ultimately He LOVES me. This love is so beautiful because it is perfect, flawless, and extravagant, it's everything I'm not. Yet, he wants me to have it. He wants me to trust him and trust that He knows what he is doing. As it is said in Jeremiah 29:11, "I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for."
I was advised to create a prayer from Ephesians 1, starting in verse 17. I would like to share with you the prayer that I have created for myself. It's speaks exactly what I am longing for.
"Jesus Christ, My Lord, and My God, give me the intelligence and discernment in knowing You personally. May my eyes be focused and clear so I can see exactly what it is that You are calling me to do. May I begin to grasp the immensity of Your glorious way of life that You have for your followers. May I know the extravagance of Your work in those who trust You. May I experience the endless energy and boundless strength that comes in your name. Thank you Lord for loving me. Amen."
On another side note. God did something else very interesting today. As I was leaving to go to prayer it began to ran very hard. I was about to walk out of my house when I noticed the down pour. I wasn't too happy about running in the rain to my car but I just blew it off. I stepped outside under a part of the roof that stuck out to keep me dry while I shut the door. After I shut the door I took a deep breathe to prepare for my dodge to my car. I began my run to the car and noticed that the rain had stopped from down pouring and had turned into a light sprinkle. I get into my car and it begins raining hard again. I believe God was being very precious and gave me his umbrella while I ran out to my car :-)
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Believe in Dreams
I have been playing around with the idea for a while now whether or not I should start a blog. The truth of the matter is that I am a horrible writer. Grammar is a foreign concept to me. No matter how hard I have tried to understand the rules and guidelines of writing I always end up failing epically. Therefore, this blog will not follow the rules and guidelines that are set to make writing a comprehensible art. So it is here on my first blog that I apologize for my lack of writing capabilities and ask that you follow along as best as you can. I have been told multiple times that I write the same way I talk and apparently this is a bad thing (personally I have no problem with it).
My insecurity in writing has been the only obstacle in my way to creating a blog. But here I am today, fighting past my insecurity to start something that I will hope help me and others in the long run. Because the truth is, just like everyone else I'm on a journey. This journey has been, well, interesting. Everyday I wake up and learn something new about myself and other people. For those of you who know me well know that I love to create relationships with people. My favorite thing in the whole world is to sit or stand and have a real conversation with someone. I love knowing how people think and what their passion in life is. I have had some amazing conversation with people and have had the privilege of hearing their story. We all have a story and they are all worth being told. I want to use this blog to not only tell my story but to also share stories of others that have been told to me along the way (don't worry, any story that I feel needs to be shared it will always be anonymous).
God is doing some incredible yet difficult things in my life right now. I need to share these struggles as a way to help myself through them. This past year I have been working as an in-home counselor. All my close friends and families have heard and seen the struggles that this job has brought onto me, physically and emotionally. Needless to say, you cannot walk into broken homes everyday and not be forever impacted in some form or fashion. As I have been working with families and listening to their struggles and problems I found myself closing up and pushing my own struggles aside. I've been suppressing my own problems in order to take on other people's problems. What I have been doing is self destructing. The more I suppress my own emotions and problems the more I'm damaging the people I'm trying to help. So I've decided to stop going down this self destructing path and to open up my heart and get all the trash out. I'm hoping by sharing and blogging I'll be able to better process what God is doing in my life. It has been recently brought to my attention that God is very diligently trying to work in my life. The thing that is stopping him is me. I've been standing in the way, telling God that I'm trying to fix everything. But the truth is I can't fix me. Only God can fix me.
So please join me as I walk down this long road full of questions and mystery. Even though it may be dark at times, I know God is with me.
My insecurity in writing has been the only obstacle in my way to creating a blog. But here I am today, fighting past my insecurity to start something that I will hope help me and others in the long run. Because the truth is, just like everyone else I'm on a journey. This journey has been, well, interesting. Everyday I wake up and learn something new about myself and other people. For those of you who know me well know that I love to create relationships with people. My favorite thing in the whole world is to sit or stand and have a real conversation with someone. I love knowing how people think and what their passion in life is. I have had some amazing conversation with people and have had the privilege of hearing their story. We all have a story and they are all worth being told. I want to use this blog to not only tell my story but to also share stories of others that have been told to me along the way (don't worry, any story that I feel needs to be shared it will always be anonymous).
God is doing some incredible yet difficult things in my life right now. I need to share these struggles as a way to help myself through them. This past year I have been working as an in-home counselor. All my close friends and families have heard and seen the struggles that this job has brought onto me, physically and emotionally. Needless to say, you cannot walk into broken homes everyday and not be forever impacted in some form or fashion. As I have been working with families and listening to their struggles and problems I found myself closing up and pushing my own struggles aside. I've been suppressing my own problems in order to take on other people's problems. What I have been doing is self destructing. The more I suppress my own emotions and problems the more I'm damaging the people I'm trying to help. So I've decided to stop going down this self destructing path and to open up my heart and get all the trash out. I'm hoping by sharing and blogging I'll be able to better process what God is doing in my life. It has been recently brought to my attention that God is very diligently trying to work in my life. The thing that is stopping him is me. I've been standing in the way, telling God that I'm trying to fix everything. But the truth is I can't fix me. Only God can fix me.
So please join me as I walk down this long road full of questions and mystery. Even though it may be dark at times, I know God is with me.
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