Lighter Load

This is in response in an email I recently received:

This year, oh girl has it been one. I'm a totally different woman than I was this time last year. Hell, I'm a totally different woman than I was 8 months ago. This year has been a year of letting go. Letting go after letting go after letting go. What I have learned is very simple, short and to the point. I've learned that letting go makes you lighter and free. I have never felt more free in my life than I do right now. 

I thought I needed to hold onto everything, have control over everything in order for it to work in my favor, in order for it to turn out right but this year has proved me other wise. This year has shown me how freeing and beautiful letting go is, that half the reason I've been holding on were lies.

 I realized I made letting go a bigger monster than it really is. It's been like a tiger racing after me. I've run and run and run. Finally, I couldn't run any further. I lost all energy and fell to my knees. I sat there shaking, frozen, because the tiger was finally going to get me, it finally won. But to my surprise, when the tiger approached me it had no teeth and no claws. All it could do was roar and walk around me. It was never meant to hurt me.

That's what I've learned. I've learned that letting go was never meant to hurt us. The only purpose it serves is to give us a lighter load so that we can fly. 

At a time in the year to reflect what I'm thankful for, I can't help but to be overwhelmed with gratitude for the lighter load I'm walking around with these days.

Women, Math, and Love

I was riding in the car with a friend of mine this summer. As we were riding together, she was telling me about an event that had taken place between her and her husband that morning. As she's telling me the story, she makes the comment that she believes her husband is determined to find an equation that will help him to understand her. She then stated, "He's greatly mistaken by this idea, for there is no equation for me."

We both laughed in agreement that there is not and never will be a math equation in which women fit into to be understood.

Today love and relationships crossed my mind, as it does on most days. Being an analytical person and problem solver, I can't help but over analyze love. Much like my friends husband, I want to find an equation for love. I want to know that if I put a+b(c-d) I will get LOVE every time. 

I can't help but hear the same giggles and laughter from love, the same laughter my friend and I had when she mentioned the idea that women can be placed into an equation.

Here's the thing about love. Love has a few key ingredients that make it unpredictable. Love is made of mercy, grace, and forgiveness. When these three things are thrown into the mix, absolutely anything is possible. Wounds are healed, hearts are changed, minds gain new vision. They are the game changers. They are what make love so exciting. They are what make people sit for hours writing poems about love. They are what make us look into the face of a stranger and think "can I find love in you?"

For love has no face. Love can not be kept as a mere definition. Love is too big and too strong for a simple solution, simple equation. When you are as big as love, anything is possible.

When working with teenagers, love is always the topic of choice. I hear stories after stories of love and how it came together and how it fell apart. I sit and listen to each of them as they tell me their story. I sit and I show excitement in the exciting moments and show sadness in the sad ones. But the whole time I can't help but think, "You're missing it, dear. You're missing what love really is."

Sometimes I wish love were an equation. If it were, I would print them on business cards and pass them out to every person I came in contact with. It would make spreading love a whole lot easier. But the fact that love is not easy and cannot be printed out makes it so thrilling. It's what makes it worth waiting for and fighting for. 

Love is a big mystery and that's what makes it so enticing. 

Insecurities.

Comma splices.

Run on sentences.

Grammatical error.

These are just a few of the things I'm sure I do in EVERY SINGLE BLOG POST.

In school, English was never my strongest subject. I heard time and time again how I write like I talk and how that's not the proper way to write. I remember sitting in my 10th Lit class in high school telling myself that I was going to focus and finally understand this thing called grammar. But it never mattered how hard I focused, I just didn't get it.

"Why can we just not write how we think?" This was always my underlining questions as I tried to understand the English language and all the rules that come with it.

I'll never forget. I'll never forget the one day when my confidence changed. I was in my 11th grade American Lit class. By this point I had accepted the fact that the rules of grammar and I would never be friends. I loved words and I loved to communicate, but I had decided that writing just wasn't my thing.

I remember having a creative writing assignment. More specifically, we had to use imagery in this particular writing assignment. I chose to write about the beach. I remember breaking down the experience of going to the beach and writing it onto my paper.

When our teacher passed back our papers, I had received a 100 on this paper. Not only did I receive a 100 but he had written a compliment on the paper, telling me how well I written the paper.

I was blown away. I had never received a compliment on my writing before. Yet, here it was.

This was just the beginning of a whole new genre of writing for me. We eventually began to learn about poetry and I found myself writing poem, after poem. I begin looking up poems online and reading them. I wrote poems about the boy who I had a crush on in school. I wrote poems about friends. I wrote poems about being bored. Poetry and I had fallen madly in love with each other.

I never thought I would find love in literature, yet here I was. In love.

I remember sharing some poems I had written to a person I cared deeply about at the time. I'm a deep person and these poems were deep for me. I don't share the few poems I've written to many people, because they are like microscopes to my heart.  The person never again, for as long as I knew them, asked me about my poems again. They never asked if I wrote more. They never showed interest so I slowly buried that part of myself.

When I first started blogging, I made it very clear that I'm not a grammar person and made an apology in advance. Though I've gotten better, it's still not my strong suit.

Do you know what I've learned though? I've learned that even in my weakness, I can be used. Even if I'm not the grammar queen of this world, God can still use my rebellious way of writing.

I started blogging hard core this year due to the struggles I've encountered. I found myself in a deep journey to reconnect with myself, reconnect with who I am, and writing has been a major part of that process. It has helped me to clear my head, to think clearer, and most importantly, to help me be honest with myself.

I have found that through metaphors and rhythmic words, I have a way to portray the truth. I have a way to write the truth down. If it's written down, I have no other choice but to stare at it. I have no other choice but to go back and read it, over and over again. I can't run from it.

It's been amazing to see how God has used me through this. Over the past few months, I have had more than one person send me a message to tell me how grateful they are for the things I have been writing. People I haven't seen or spoken to in years have sent me messages telling me thank you for my positive attitude and positive words. I have been so overly struck and humbled by these words. I had no idea that my words were really being heard by people. I had no idea that what I was saying and going through was being used as stepping stones to help others get through their own fog. I had no idea.

I've had something wrote Paul play over and over in my head recently where he says, "For when I am weak, then I am strong." For he boasted that in his weakness, Christ power is the strongest.

I'm just blown away how God has used my weakness and insecurity in writing to make positive impacts for people. I am beyond thankful. For all I could ever want for each person, whoever reads this, I want good for you. Nothing but sweet, sweet goodness for you.

So I'll apologize to the grammar Nazi’s and grammar kings and queens of this world. I'm sorry for the twitches and tiny heartbreaks I give you every time I break a beautiful grammatical rule, but I'm not stopping. I'm not going to stop expressing my heart to you. I'm not going to stop telling you about the beautiful colors I see every day. I'm not going to stop telling you about the goodness, the heartbreak, the tears, the joys, I experience in this life.

I can promise that I'm working on how I write. I learn by example and reading other people's writing helps tremendously.

God tells me too many good things to keep from sharing them with you. My heart has too much love in it to allow something as little as my insecurities keep me from expressing it. My words might not be perfect, but I can promise you this one thing: they are true.

Love Sets Us Free

"I have to tell him."

I told myself this as I was driving home from work, lost in music, and lost in my own mind.

"I have to be honest. I can't be afraid to tell the truth."

I kept driving home, on the back roads of north Georgia, my window cracked. It was a random warm day in fall. I felt the sun sweeping in through the window and counteract the cold air coming in through the cracked window of the car.

I started taking in the colors of the tree's as I passed them, noticing their vibrant colors, I started drinking in the music as it danced it's way from the speakers to my ears. I was focusing on anything other than the words I needed to say.

I finally worked up the nerve. I finally convinced myself that I needed to say it.

"God, I know you are all I need. I know this but I need to be honest with you. I need to tell you the truth. It doesn't feel that way. I'm not sure I truly believe that you are enough."

There. I said it. I told God exactly how I felt.

Here's something I've come to learn about my relationship with God. I'm really quick to tell him the right answers. I'm like that little girl in Sunday school who is halfway asleep most of the time but when I actually pay attention and actually know the answer to a question, I can't help but blurt it out. I know the answer and I know it's right, therefore, I want to make sure everyone knows I know the 'right' answer.

This isn't working out for me. This 'right answer' living. It isn't working.

It's time I get into the mud, get dirty, and be HONEST with God. Tell him what I really think, even if it's not the right way to think. I need to tell him when I don't truly believe in something.

Because if I've learned anything about God lately it's that His love is bigger than us. His love is bigger than our doubts, our screw ups, our minds, etc. It's beyond comprehension and even though he's the first and only who has the right to judge me, He'll most likely be the last, that is if he hasn't already forgiven and forgotten about what I have done.

I've so badly wanted love to be a clean cut deal. I've so badly wanted it to be something that I could carry in my pocket and pick out when needed. But it's not the small and it's not that simple. Love is big and complicated and confusing and uncomfortable and most of all, IT'S FILLING. It's not a sugary substance that makes you feel good for the moment, but hungry later. No, that's not love. Love if a massive steak that makes you full for the next 3 weeks. Love breaks you where you need to be broken. Love calls you out in the area's you need to be called out in. But love is ultimately on your side. And through the breaking and burning away of the harmful sores we've allowed through love impostors, love takes away everything that has been holding us back. Love breaks us free from the chains and allows a freedom we never knew existed before.

Love sets us free.

It's set me free to the point that I can be real with God. I don't have to know all the right answers and I necessarily do not have to believe all the right answers. I can be honest and trust that if I'm struggling in believing something, I do not have to guilt myself, I do not have to hide. I can come before God, admit where I am and trust he'll take things from there.

What a beautiful place to be in. It's so beautiful.

We lose.

We lose.

At some point in time, in this life, you will lose something.

It might be a pen, keys, your mind, a job, a dream, a person.... Whatever it might be, the truth is that you will experience loss, multiple times, through out this life.

Even though we lose at times, we also gain.

I tend to just focus on the things I lose. I fixate on the losses of my life, wondering, and guessing why I lost these things, this person, etc. This is actually a horrible habit of mine. I will fixate on the things I have lost as if I was entitled to those things. As if the things, people, circumstance that entered my life that I put my hands on, my fingerprints onto, are mine to keep.

I fixate to the point that I get bitter about losing. I get bitter, mad, and begin to demand answers. I put my hands on my hips, look up to God and demand an explanation.

"Why would you bring me this just to take it away. WHY?!"

Well, God answers, but not as I always expect him to.

"I give and I take away. Find a heart thankful for both."

Find a heart grateful for both.

To thank God for what he gave, even though he took it away.

To thank God, even though you had to let go of something so beautiful.

It's not worth the bitterness to hold on. It's not worth the poison that seeps in with bitterness. It's just not worth it.

It's continuing in the act of letting go. It's thanking God for allowing a moment, even if it was short lived. It's finding beauty in that small moment and being grateful you were blessed with it for a short while.

For everything is a gift, we are not entitled to everything. God gives us good things, God gives us parts of him, but God knows us and he knows the timing we need with it to make it just enough. So I choose gratitude. Gratitude that God trusted me, for that small moment, with that sweet, sweet gift.

She Knew

She laid in bed alone with only the hum of the fan in the room. She could still smell the reminense of the candle she had blown out minutes ago.

As she felt the warmth of her skin linger into the covers she thought about you. She tried remembering your words, but she couldn't. She tried remembering your warmth, but it had faded. She could only remember fragments of you. Pieces that really never fit together.

As she continued to lay in bed and allow the heaviness of her eyes to take over, she began to feel a peace and gratitude overwhelm her heart.

You were never meant to stay, boy.

She knew, you were never meant to stay.

It's hard being human

Tonight, I cooked dinner for myself, I danced and sang to Delta Rae while baking banana nut bread. I watched some of my favorite shows on Hulu. I found myself at the end of the night, laying on my couch, lights off, candles lit, music playing, reading beautiful words on my screen, and an overwhelming sense of gratitude and happiness in my heart.

8 months ago, I wouldn't have been this happy to be alone. You can't be alone when you're running from something inside of you. Being alone with yourself becomes near impossible.

8 months ago, I wouldn't have been here. It's amazing what can change in just 8 months. The trees might still have the same leaves, the colors of the wall might be the same, the amount of miles that are driven might be the same, yet, everything is different.


The colors in the sky stand out more. You never knew there could be so many colors in one day. You never noticed how beautiful words can be. You never noticed how you always feel like you have to have an answer, always. You never thought you could experience freedom like this.

Freedom.

I always heard people speak of it. People write poems about freedom. People write songs about freedom, but you never really knew it existed until now.

Life is hard. We don't say that enough.

Life. Is. Hard.

We're quick to point out how we're not handling life right or what we're doing wrong. We're quick to try to fix the hardness and make things softer rather than embracing the hardness.

Life is hard. I found myself saying that over and over to people. As tears came streaming down sweet little faces this week, I found myself saying over and over again, "Life is hard, hon. Life is hard." And with each sweet face, with tears streaming down their cheeks in different directions, they each nodded their head in agreement.

Why have I never said that before? Why have I not just called it out. It's always been there. It's always sat in the room with me, no matter who the person was, it's always been there. Why do we not just admit together, LIFE. IS. DAMN. HARD.  

Instead we want to point fingers. Instead we want to convince ourselves that it's really easy and that we are somehow getting it wrong.

Well please let me clear that up for you.

No. It's not easy. No. It won't ever become easy. The minute things become easy, you'll lose interest. You'll stop growing.

Even though it's not easy and it's hard, it's doable.

Let me say it again. IT'S DOABLE.

You WILL get over this rough patch. You WILL get through the trials. You WILL find joy and happiness. Just because you do not have it in your hands right now, doesn't mean it's not on its way.

And you always, ALWAYS have a choice. You might not have a choice in the type of circumstance that come your way, but you always have a choice in how you handle it.

YOU HAVE A CHOICE IN HOW YOU DEAL WITH THIS HARD LIFE.

Please, don't ever forget that.

No matter what, you are not trapped. You might be in a dead zone in solving it, but you are not trapped. Talk to someone. Believe me, I get trapped in my own mind at times and it's amazing how someone else's perspective can pull me out, get me moving again. Don't be afraid to be honest about how you feel. Don't be afraid to be honest with yourself.

That's where my freedom began, it began in me tearing down the walls and being honest with myself. I had to look at all the junk in my life and admit it was junk. It wasn't antique store material, it was JUNK. I had to allow myself to be human and to feel.

Emotions are hard. They are hard to handle and hard to deal with, but whatever you do, DO NOT RUN FROM THEM. They cleanse you, they purify you. They get all the old shit laying around and they GET IT OUT OF YOUR BODY. Just like sweating helps detox the body, I believe expressing emotions in a healthy manner detox's our mind. They are always uncomfortable in the process and if you're anything like me, you look like a total idiot when you are having a full on emotional moment. But do it anyways. You'll feel a difference in yourself down the road.

I can't thank God enough for who he's creating me to be. He finds a way to love me. Everyday, he finds a new way to love me.