Vivid Dreams

We were waiting for a table. All I can remember is that we had been waiting for a while. We were with people we know well and love deeply.

We sat conversing about the worries of our day. The things we love, the things we hated. I remember hearing your laughter fill the room and the way you grabbed my hand. God I love the way you grab my hand.

I'm not even sure what came out of my mouth. It was a moment where I said exactly what was on my mind without allowing the words to go through a filter.

I remember seeing the biggest grin on your face. You then looked me in the eye and told me you loved me.

People were all around us and in this moment all I could see was you, across from me, holding my hand.

I remember breaking eye contact, looking down, putting my hair behind my ear, and not being able to control the smile that was spreading across my face. 

I didn't say it back, I was too busy soaking in your words and trying to remember if I had told you that a man had never said those words to me before.

You didn't seem to mind that I didn't say it back. You just kept smiling at me, holding my hand.

Finally, the wait was over, we had a table. As everyone began to walk to the table, we lagged behind. I became aware that there wasn't enough room for us at the table so I began to walk back to the hostess table, to correct the number. That's when you paused, looked at me, and said you didn't want biscuits, you wanted steak. Then you left.

In a blink of an eye it wasn't us at the restaurant anymore, it was just me.  

You left and I was pissed. "Why didn't you just tell me." I began to scream in my head, as I stared off into the now empty space that once held your body.

 "All he had to do was tell me. We would have gone for steak. We could have gone where he really wanted to go. Why wasn't he just honest. That's all I want is the truth."

I began to walk to our next destination by myself. I left all the people we love behind to enjoy their meal. I had to be alone, I didn't want everyone to see the hurt in my eyes, I didn't want them to worry. I just needed to be alone.

I walked into a crowded venue still furious. I wasn't mad that you left, I was mad that you didn't tell me what you truly wanted.

It was shoulder to shoulder with people. I pushed my way through the crowd until I found a random opening. The opening had two empty tables with four empty chairs at one and two empty chairs at another. I went for the table with four empty chairs. Two people arrived at the table at the same time I did, but right as I was going to give them the table they walked away. I sat down at the table planning to wait for I knew more people were coming, but for some reason I got up and left.

I began to walk the streets alone. For once my thoughts were not running. I listened to my breathing as I walked the cold streets. I watched as my breath showed itself right before me. It's amazing how something so present in your life can be forgotten, until you are in the cold. I heard each foot step on the pavement, I felt the contraction of muscles in my legs.

I walked back into the venue to find you with panic in your eyes. You had been looking for me, thinking you had lost me.

When I saw you in the crowd, you began to push people out of the way to get to me. You were so worried, all I could sense was this deep, deep worry. And just like that, as if a switch had been turned inside of me, I wasn't angry with you anymore. My heart filled with love because you came back.

I grabbed your hand and led you through the crowded room outside so that we could talk. 

You propped yourself up against the wall, lowering yourself as to have better eye contact with me. You are too tall to stand straight and talk to me. Your gesture says you are equal with me, never looking down on me. I wouldn't let go of your hand.

I leaned up against you as you were babbling about your worries. 

In the continuing nonsense, I placed my hand onto your face, doing my best to absorb all the worries from your mind. I would try and correct your crazy thoughts, but there is just something about the way you always speak your mind that keeps me from stopping you. I let the gibberish continue on. I let you tell me how you worried something had happened to me, you worried I might have left with someone else. 

I wasn't even annoyed with your paranoid thinking. I just kept looking at you, smiling at you. 

I finally shushed you, reassuring you that I have never been the type to go home with a stranger and that I wouldn't start now.

I looked you in the eyes, I watched as worry left and relief came flooding in. 

"Just tell me what you want. Please, just tell me what you want. Always tell me the truth." I whispered to you.

You smiled and said, "Okay."

You've Always Had it.

Living less broken, that's how I choose to live.

To not live life as if the pieces are missing, as if I have lost worth, as if I've lost value.

To accept the pain of the holes, to accept anger, to accept sadness. 

It's in the acceptance that healing begins. It's in the reality of the ragged truth that love is found.

Love. The one you longed for from him. The one you worked so hard for. It's been here, dear. You've been capable of giving it to yourself all along. 

He was never meant to give you something you already had. You've always had it. 

Dreams and Whiskey

We spoke of dreams. Dreams of homes, adventures, and people. We laughed because we knew money is scarce, yet we sat in the kitchen feeling as if we had all the treasures the world has to offer us. As if hard work and time would give us all the pennies we need to go all the places we want to go.

We wrapped our fingers around glasses of whiskey and filled our hearts with endless possibilities. It was in this moment that I felt alive. I felt my heartbeat, I felt the inhale of air and heard the exhale. It was in this moment that I was fully living in the moment. My mind didn't run wild into the future we spoke of. I didn't have to lasso my thoughts, forcing them to stay.

I didn't wish for anything different. I didn't wish for anyone or anything to be added to this moment. 

No regrets of the past, no regrets of the present. I was just there.

I felt contentment for where I am in my life. I wasn't fantasizing of what needed to be different. I wasn't looking at my imperfections, creating ways to fix them. For once, everything felt as it should.

If I could wish one thing for my life, I'd wish for a life over flowing with these moments. Because these moments are filling and beautiful and what this here crazy life is all about.

Why I Stopped Attending Church.

I think it's extremely important to start the post off by stating that I have absolutely NOTHING against the church. In fact, I do love the church. Just like everything in life, there are some churches that encourage people in more of a positive manner and others more in a negative manner. People are people and in their imperfection they create things imperfectly and I have no judgement against that. I can't help but think about the Anne Frank quote I read the other day that says, "In spite of everything, I still believe people are really good at heart." I believe this statement 100%.

Even though I love the church and believe it carries great benefit I decided to stop attending almost a year ago. I reached this decision based on a few reasons:

First, I had a reached a place in my life of pure brokenness. I was broken and I wanted healing. I remember confessing my brokenness to someone and they suggested that I needed to find a church and my initial gut reaction to this remark was "No."

I said no because I wanted to REALLY BREAK. I wanted to face all the truths of my brokenness. I wanted to know why and how I got myself in that place and when church was mentioned as a cure, I knew I couldn't find my healing there. The thought of truly breaking in a way that was truly healing way was terrifying as it is. I had been avoiding it for years, the last thing I wanted to do was break in an ugly, messy way in front of people. I knew myself well enough to know that I would not break in front of people, I wouldn't want that attention.

Again, this nothing against the church, this is just how I am. I know what dealing with broken people is like, I do it every day. Supporting broken people can be an exhausting task and it's easy to want fast healing for someone who is broken. This is because we are human and we were never made to carry the world on our shoulders. Therefore, after a while, we become impatient, we become exhausted from seeing this persons brokenness and many times, we find ourselves turning a corner and walking away because clearly "this person does not really want to heal."

The truth is though, healing is not always an instant thing. It's not something that can happen over night. If you were to ask a doctor what the average healing time for a broken bone in the body, I guarantee you their answer would not be "Oh, just 2 or 3 church services." Healing takes time and being human, we're not always willing to give that time. But it needs time. Healing needs time and patience, something I'm not always willing to give to myself. I needed time to heal and as helpful as people can be, time is not always something they give freely.

I knew I needed healing and time. I also knew the only one who had the patience and the ability to give me both was God. All I needed was him. That's it. I didn't need people. I didn't need a building. I needed Him. 

I have attended church for as long as I can remember. I've heard a million interpretations of what scripture says but it wasn't until this time of brokenness did I realize that I was completely dependent on other people's opinions of scripture. Though I had my own on a few things, I had yet to actively create a lifestyle with my beliefs. I was so busy trying to live my life 'the right way' that I had completely lost site in the relationship aspect. The real, lets get down and dirty, and admit what we truly believe. 

When you find yourself broken, the truth floods out. Your core becomes exposed and that's when you truly find out what you believe. You begin to realize the ins and outs of what you stand for. In my brokenness, I found out that many choices I have made in my life were based on the fact that I thought they were the right choices, not because I really believed them.

This leads me to my second reason why I decided to walk away from church for a while. I needed to learn how to actively live my beliefs outside church walls. I needed to put myself to the test. I needed to walk away from the classroom and find out what I really know and really believe. It isn't until you walk away from the text book do you really learn how to live life. I needed to see myself straight. I needed to see who I am.

Church had become ritualistic for me, a comfort zone. "As long as I get myself up in the morning for church, I can give myself good point. I can tell myself in the low moments 'well, at least you went to church'." 

I didn't want to have this teenage type relationship with God anymore. I didn't want to present a life to God showing him my good stuff and then hide in the corner with shame when I screwed up. I wanted to have a relationship with him knowing that his grace, mercy, and love are not dictated by my actions. 

So, for me, I have decided to walk away from the church doors for a while. It's not out of hate, it's not out of disapproval. This decision was based solely with the intention of growing, interpersonally, with God. I wanted to take things a step further. I wanted to meet God on a mountain, in my room, in my car, on a bridge, in a bar, etc. I basically wanted to find him in every place I find myself in, because he's there anyways, whether I wanted to admit it or not.

This is my season of life for now. God might call me back into another church building one day to further grow me, but until then I'm happy to say that I have seen and experienced God's love more in my day to day life than I did when I was attending church ritualistically. 

I signed up for a 30 day writing class this week. It's terrifying but I want to sharpen my writing skills. As I was reading over the material for the online class I read a portion of the description that described how the class is designed to open up your creative side, to help you find your voice. After I read this I thought, "I can't wait to see how God will use this class so that I can keep finding creative ways to spend time with him."

God does not ask us to just spend time with him in one particular way and that has been the best part of this experience; learning how to create new ways of spending time with God in my day to day life.

Insomnia.

It's 2:30 AM and I'm wide awake.

Not because I want to be.

At 8:30 tonight, I took melatonin and passed. out.

11:00 PM I wake up and have been awake ever since.

I spent the last 3 hours trying to fall back asleep. I even took another melatonin but it didn't work. I'm still awake.

As I laid in bed trying to fall back asleep, my mind has been processing everything that has happened this week.

I thought about the 3 and half hour conversation I had with a friend I've known my whole life last night. I thought about the truth she spoke over me, processing each word.

I thought about my grandfathers memorial service today and how I learned more about him by reading his obituary than I ever learned when he was here.

I asked myself if I should feel bad about not really knowing who he was but then thought about all the other hearts and souls that I know and reminded myself that I can't be everything to everyone. I reminded myself that I can't know every heart that I encounter and that's okay. We were never meant to hold the sky on our shoulders.

Which made me think of Atlas in Greek Mythology, which made me get my computer out and read more about that story.

I thought about beautiful hidden eyes. How his eyes are metaphors to who he is. Oh, I created so many metaphors in my head about his eyes. Many of which I have already forgotten and now I'm regretting not pulling my journal out and writing each one down.

I thought about all the hard conversation that I finally decided to embrace. Which reminded me of how freeing the truth is and how I want to continue to fill my heart with the truth. I want to continue to embrace the truth, even when it makes my skin crawl, even when it makes me feel like an idiot, even when it makes me sick to my stomach. I have found that gratitude and mercy are strong enough to cover any negative emotions that might be stirred up with the truth.

I thought about the woman I want to be become. How I want to be a woman who trust, despite the lies that circled her life for so many years. I want to be a woman who know when to work for something and when to sit back and wait.

Tonight, as I laid in bed thinking about the week I realized something. I realized that I really have no need to worry. I do not have to worry because what is promised will come and all I have to do is enjoy the good that is given to me on a daily bases.

Tonight I found myself holding faith, the size of a pin prick, in my hands and thinking, "Well, at least it's a start."

Dear Future Husband

Dear Future Husband,

I just had a revelation that I want to share with you because it’s good and filling and makes my heart dance with joy.

Sometimes I scroll through Facebook and Instagram like they are a magic eight ball. I find myself scrolling, not even really reading anything on the newsfeed. I’m just hoping when I stop, all the answers to my life questions will be there, waiting for me.

But that’s not how it works. Social Media is not a magic eight ball. I think we can both take a moment and thank God for that. They are nothing more than a National Inquire about people we know.

As I scrolled through Facebook tonight, answers did not pop up on my newsfeed instead you came to my mind. I thought about the other women who are currently in your life or have been in your life. I thought about how a few make your heart flutter and catch your eye. I’m not going lie, I got a little jealous at the thought of this. I thought about how badly I want to be that person right now, the one that makes you feel lighter than air, the one you can’t get out your mind, the one you love to love. The one who will only argue when she’s dead set that she is right.

I entertained this thought for a good minute until it hit me. It hit me how silly it was for me to feel this way. It’s absolutely ridiculous… you want to know why? It’s ridiculous because it doesn’t matter who is in your life right now. It doesn’t matter who you think about at night, it doesn’t matter what short skirt walks in front of you on your way into work tomorrow. It doesn’t matter because in the end, you pick ME. Through the parades of meaningless nights, spontaneous moments, and bright eyed women, YOU. PICK. ME.

That thought alone makes all jealousy and fear run from my bones. My heart feels light at the thought that I’m the one you pick in the end. I’m the one you want to see everyday. I’m the one you long to talk with, spend time with. I’m more than eye candy to you. I’m more than an ego boost. You see this crazy, deep, intense heart of mine and you make the wild decision to see what is going to explode from it every. single. day.

So be careful not to trip over your feet at the sight of the next attractive woman you meet. Drink in the mysterious scent of the woman you meet at the bar for there will come a day when those moments will mean nothing. There will come a day when you find yourself looking forward to the next quirky phrase that will come out of my mouth. All the women you stared at, all the conversations with random pretty strangers you had will mean nothing. There will be no satisfaction with a stranger because you will have found a real love with me. A love that is so real, you will never be able to entertain the thought that it’s not real for long.

I don’t know when this day will come. Time will only tell but just know, I’m not in a hurry. I’m not in a hurry to be with you. I’m not in a hurry to start our lives. Each day that passes without knowing who you are is another day to open up another chapter of my heart and see what’s inside. I want the pages of my heart to be worn by the time you get to them. I want to have read them, over and over. I want to be in love with my own story so that I will believe you when you say you love it. I want to believe that I am worth choosing. I want to believe that we can create a love that makes all other interactions meaningless.

Enjoy the life and woman while you can, babe. There will come a day when everything will change.

With love,

Your Future Mrs.

P.S. I'm looking forward to picking that heart of yours off the shelf and reading it every. single. day.

Intuition.

I wrote 55 blogs last year.

That is by far the most I have written in a year since I started blogging.

I guess that's what happens when you start paying attention to your thoughts. You find yourself wanting to write down as much as you possibly can. I'm thankful for the 55 blogs I wrote last year. It's like a photo album of words for me. I get to go back and read through old thoughts and feelings. I'm a sentimental person and I love going back and revisiting how an event/person made me feel.

Today I found myself lost in my head again. That's what happens when a lunch date is canceled and you don't have any other reason to pull yourself off the couch and away from a Netflix's binge.

As I binged on Friend's episodes and Criminal Minds, I found my mind wondering away from time to time. It would wonder to questions, questions that have been floating in my head for a while. They have floated to questions that I feel I have the answer to, but there is no evidence to confirm the answer. All I have is my intuition.

For those who do not know me well enough, I have an extremely strong and extremely accurate intuition. Close friends who have a scientific mindset are always baffled and very skeptical of my intuitive nature but are always dumbfounded when my intuition ends up being spot on (I have witnesses to testify to this).

Here's the thing about my intuition, I have a history of not trusting it. Not because it's not trust worthy, but mostly because A. I don't like what it has to say, so I become a 16 year old teenager and find every reason under the sun to prove it wrong or B. I jump into a scientific mindset and place arguments thats say there is no proof to what I think it's telling me.

Yet, despite the many battles I have had with it, time always comes to pass and the next thing I know these old familiar words fall out of my mouth again saying, "Yeah, I had a feeling this would happen" or "I already knew, I just needed it confirmed."

As I would zone in and out of Netflix's episodes, I found myself investigating my intuition, trying to make sense of questions I already think I have the answers to.

Here's the problem I typically run into. I find myself thinking best case scenario and worst case scenario, using fear induced thoughts to prepare myself for whatever the answer might be.

FEAR INDUCED THOUGHTS.

I realized this tonight, I realized that I tend to think very fearful thoughts as to prepare myself for whatever the end result might be.

Here's the thing though, it doesn't matter what I tell myself, what my intuition says, what evidence is sitting at the surface. No matter what scenario's I think of, time is the ultimate teller and whatever is to come to pass WILL come to pass.

Even if the answer is not what I want, I can't totally prepare myself for it. It's either the answer I want or it isn't. Either way, I realized that feeding fear does absolutely nothing for me. It will not take the disappointment and heart break away if it's not what I want. If it is the answer I want, then I feel like an idiot for not trusting and for worrying.

So, here's my goal for the year. I want to use less and less of fear and worry as my coping mechanism for the unknown. I want to stop worrying about the things I do not hold the answers to.

The truth is that TRUTH can never stay hidden. It will come to the surface. I will feel a reaction to the truth, whether that reaction makes me feel like I'm walking on water or I want to curl up in my bed for a full day, I don't know.

All I know is this. My intuition has a high accuracy rate and I have to do a better job in trusting it.
No matter what, I will have the strength I need to handle the truth, for the truth might not always be what we want, but it sets us free. It takes the weight we need away and we will feel light and free in the end.

I'd rather have the truth and be free, even if it means having to face something I don't want to face. If 2014 taught me anything it taught me this : I am stronger than I give myself credit for. The more truth that is washed over me, the happier I am.

So whatever the truth may be. Even if it means my intuition will lose a little credibility by being wrong. I will be okay. Beautifully okay.