LIFE.

It was a Saturday night as we sat curled up on the couch in the dimly lit room. Hashing out life is our favorite thing to do. When you no longer have enough fingers and toes to count the years of friendship, filters in conversations leave and raw truth always pours out.

It doesn’t seem to matter how long we’ve known each other, one of us always finds ourselves obsessing over a boy.

“He does this and says this, does it mean anything?”

“I think he likes me. He talks me often, but I don’t really know.”

These are things you can only be vulnerable about to your closest friend. You know you can express your thoughts and fears without receiving judgment from the other side.

As I sat in the room and listened to the same questions I have heard time and time again, it hit me.

“What if this is only a speck in your life but you’re turning it into a boulder? What if God is trying to show you something that is bigger than this relationship?”

I’m surprised by what comes out of my mouth sometimes. As I listen to friends talk about their lives, I find myself saying something that I need to hear, too. Truth comes pouring out like a waterfall and I can’t help but drink it in as well.

I see articles and post daily about relationships. Articles talking about what men want, others talking about why women are crazy. We live in a relationship-obsessed culture that tries to sell us this idea that the best thing that could ever happen in our lives is for the perfect someone to fall into it.

So in the midst of smoke from all the spinning wheels, I looked my friend in the eye and said, “ We are quick to think that a relationship will be the highlight of our life, but shouldn’t LIFE itself be the highlight?”

Shouldn't our day-to-day lives be filled with wonder, adventure, and curiosity? Shouldn't we find ways to make fear and joy dance in our stomach together? It really is the best feeling in the world.

I’ve bought a plane ticket for one. I’m flying to Portland, OR in October, solo. This is a huge leap for me, to go to a new city alone. To challenge myself to step outside my own comfort zone and to spend a long weekend only thinking about what I want to do, what I want to experience. I told someone over a year ago that one of my favorite things to happen in life is when I meet a boy who I like and they like me back. It really is a rare occurrence. But when it happens, every little detail is exciting. The way they’ll text me in the middle of the day. Getting so lost in conversation that you hardly realize the bar is closing. A little flutter comes into my chest and I just love that little flutter. As much as I love the flutter, I decided that I did not want to be dependent on another to give me that flutter. I wanted to find a way to give it to myself. So I booked a plane ticket. I haven’t left for the airport yet, I have no idea what I will do in this new city but every time I see the reserved ticket, I feel that flutter.

Relationships are beautiful. They are to be cherished and I look forward to having a romantic relationship one day. It can be one of my favorite aspects in life but I can’t help but breathe a little easier knowing that it doesn’t have to complete me, it doesn’t have to be the peak in life you’ve been waiting for.

LIFE IS THE PEAK.

LIFE IS THE HIGHLIGHT.

Go and find your flutter.

Without You

This life is ours for the taking, girl. It’s ours to wrap in warm blankets and rest in beneath the stars. It’s ours to love and laugh in. 

When we take the reins, yet let go just enough, we find that God has an unconceivable way of taking us exactly where we didn’t know we wanted to go. 

Life slowly falls into place and you slowly only want to think good things about people who walked away.

Respect takes over, it has the winning hand.

Life is moving on without you. I never really knew it could. 

You’re not here but there is still joy, happiness, and freedom with every ounce that I miss you with. Your love filled me once. I carry it with me still. 

May my heart hold on to the good and allow the positives to grow reasons for letting go. 

For when the letting go comes, I want it to be with a smile and tears. A warm embrace and a kiss on the cheek goodbye. 

For this had to be done in order to grow. This had to be done so that new adventures may come. 

May my life find meaning in the joy and swim in the freedom of Christ, but not be killed when hardship and struggles come.

Emotionally High Maintenance

I am not responsible for other people's emotional state. I am not responsible for other people's emotional state. I'm not responsible for other people's emotional state.......

I wrote this repeatedly the other day. It's something I have been preaching to myself for months now. It's a weight and a lie that I have carried on my shoulders for years to think that I am responsible for other people's emotional state.

I am not responsible for other people's emotional state.

It was a harsh reality the day I realized that I was emotionally high maintenance. Having to admit that you are high maintenance about anything is hard (at least for me it is). Having to sit yourself down and confront yourself about the fact that you are a feeler, you feel EVERYTHING. I feel my own emotions. I feel other people's emotions. No matter how I try to fight it, I feel things constantly, which means I carry a lot of emotions daily. When you look up the word "high maintenance" in the urban dictionary the first sentence to describes the phrase is, "requiring a lot of attention". This made me realize that I need more attention towards my emotions. But I didn't need this attention from other people, I needed it from myself. I need to check in with myself daily. I have to make it a weekly habit of sitting down with my laptop or pen and paper and require myself to be honest with where I am.

YOU are not responsible for my emotional state.

I had a beautiful and loving conversation with a good friend a few nights ago. As we each laid our hearts on the table for each other I told her that I didn't think people realize how much I think about them. I think about other people ALL THE TIME. It's insane really. If I were to put a percentage to it, I would say that I think about other people 70% of the time. This is actually an improved number. For most of my life it's probably looked more like 90% for others and 10% for myself.

You are responsible for your emotional state and your emotional state ONLY.

So what happens to a person who is emotional high maintenance but is only thinking about themselves and taking care of themselves 10% of the time? Well, that person puts the responsibility into other people's hands. You placed the responsibility into your hands to take care of everyone else emotions, so wouldn't it only make sense that you look for someone else to take care of yours?

I AM responsible for my own emotional state.

I'm slowly growing to learn that I cannot consume my mind with other people. When I consume my mind with other people I neglect my own emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. I have to believe that the healthiest relationships are developed with healthy people. You can only truly be a healthy person if you are not emotionally dependent on another person. You find yourself getting angry at people less. You take more off their plate and realize that it is NOT their responsibility to take care of you. If you are a full functioning adult, then you are responsible for you, NO ONE ELSE IS.

I am not responsible for other people's emotional state.

I am, however, responsible for my actions towards other people. It's my responsibility to speak love to others. When I am not taking care of my own emotional needs alone, I can be quick to blame people for things that are not their fault. I can be quick to speak truth in anger instead of love. I can be quick to push someone down when they so desperately needed a positive lift.

I am not responsible for other people's emotional state.

Yes, I am emotionally high maintenance. I'm not ashamed to admit that now. I'm emotionally high maintenance but the extra attention needed to manage this can only come from me, no one else. I have to build of lifestyle where self care is a priority so that I can support those who need to be supported. I can love people unconditionally without expecting something in return. Even though I'm not responsible for other people's emotional state, I do believe it is my calling to stand beside people and help empower them to take care of themselves, too. It's a beautiful thing to hand the wand over to someone and say, "I can't make you happy. Only you can and I want to help you do it." It's like helping a child ride a bike. In order for them to learn, you show them what to do, hold onto the bike for a while, and then you let go. You let them fall. You let them get the bruises and the scrapes. Though it kills you to watch them hurt, you know that if you don't let go, they will never learn. If you keep holding on, they will never experience the rush you feel when you coast down a steep hill for the first time all by yourself.

I am not responsible for other people's emotional state and let me just say, THAT IS A GOOD THING.

When Lonely Comes Knocking

It has become pretty predictable.

I know when loneliness is going to creep in. It's late at night, when both the internet and phone have become silent. It's early in the morning when you have no where to be. It's after hours of time alone and you have reenergized, ready to take on the world and there is no one around.

Loneliness has become a predictable element in my life. It always finds a way to attach to my heart for a short period of time, making my mind run in circles.

When loneliness hits it brings an aching into your soul that burns like nothing else. It has this habit of reminding you what you really want, what you really desire. The problem with the way loneliness makes you feel is that it gives you a false deception that it is can be cured easily. It whispers an answer that seems so simple, it whispers an antidote saying, "You will be happy. I promise you. You'll be happy and never hear from me again."

I haven't been on a date in a over a year and a half. I've had a few offers over the past year but decided that it was time for me to take a break from the whole dating scene. I had come to realize that I was in it for all the wrong reasons and I needed to take sometime to pull myself together. I thought I would only need about 6 months, but 6 months turned into a year and a year has turned into a year and 6 months. Truth is, I don't know if I'll ever fully 'emerge' myself back in. You won't find me on dating websites or apps. You won't find me out at the bars most nights trying to see if someone would notice me.

I asked God a very simple question not too long ago. I asked him, "Is marriage something you really have in store for me in the future? Or do I need to grieve that dream and let it go? I just want to accept whatever the truth is." God is not always one to answer me immediately but this time he did. I remember very instantly and almost audibly him saying, "Yes, marriage is something I have in store for you."

If that's not crazy enough for you, it gets even better. He has very distinctly put into my heart to not look for it. I'm not suppose to be out trying to make something work with someone. He has told me that he will bring it to me, I don't have to look, I don't have to manipulate, I don't have to go on playing the game. He'll bring it. Whoever it is that is meant to dive into that journey with me will not be able to shake me, they will not be able to run. Because God knows that I've never been the type to need multiple arms wrapped around me. He know's I've never wanted my heart falling for each guy who says my name just right. I've always wanted just one. That is all.

Despite knowing these things, loneliness has tried to sing a different tune to me. It's ache and moan can easily distract this faithful and trusting heart but there is one desire, one truth that has helped to defer it's tactful ways. The one truth that has helped me through the loneliest of moments is the truth that one day, I want to look into someone's eyes and tell them that I WANT them in my life, I don't NEED them.

Needing and wanting are different characters with two different agenda's. Working in a field with needy people has made me realize the difference between needing and wanting. To NEED someone is draining. It takes so much energy from a person. When you NEED someone, you are taking from them. Causing them to be drained constantly. But to WANT someone. Well, that's saying you choose to be there. You know how to be full and complete even if that person walks away. Doesn't mean you won't be sad, just means you will still survive. You can still live a full life.

Here's another thing I have learned about loneliness, it cannot be cured through another person. I sadly have heard too many stories of marriages and relationships where a person had someone yet was still utterly alone.

Loneliness will always try and offer you a cure, but the truth is that the only cure is to find happiness in the midst of loneliness. To find the strength and joy that exist outside of another person orbit. It's knowing that loneliness will always be a companion in your life. It will always find it's way to you, yet you can still not need anyone. You can still stand on your own two feet and hold your head high and know you're good. You. Are. Okay.

Hate is NEVER the answer

The internet has been a busy place this week. My Facebook page has been filled with post after post with people's opinions. I haven't said a word so far. I've sat back and watched as each post came across my newsfeed reading each and every single word that has been posted.

I'm not going to share my opinion on all the recent matters. Someone once told me that opinions are like arm pits, everyone has one and they all stink. The internet has become equivalent to a middle school hallway and I'm not about to stink it up even more.

But I am going to say this. No matter what you believe or where you stand in all the recent matters, HATE IS NEVER THE ANSWER.

Hate will not change people. Hate will not convict someone to choose a different path. All hate does is belittle people and hurt them. You want to change things? You want to make a difference in a persons life, then choose less words and instead give more time to people. Spend time with people who believe differently than you. Open your home to people who live differently than you. What you are going to find is that these people are just like you.

They have dreams, fears, scars, phobias, likes, dislikes, etc. Just like you. What might surprise you the most is that you might have more in common than you would ever like to admit.

I'll never forget a home I worked in when I was working as an in home counselor a few years ago. When I walked through the door, you could tell that it had been months since it had been cleaned. There was dog feces all over the floor. As I sat in the mold and bug infested kitchen with the mother in the house hold, I found out that she was an educated woman. She held three degree's, once had a successful career, and loved her family with all she had left inside of her. I sat with her daughter and saw pictures of the house. It was spot less at one point. There were no bugs, no mold, no dog feces at one point. What this woman taught me is that somethings (such as poverty, drug addictions, etc) do not discriminate. Don't be quick to think that just because you have an education, just because you grew up in a stable home or grew up in church that you are immune from falling into a dark hole.

Scripture has been tossed around and used as a way to spread judgment, judgement that no one has the right to throw out at people. But you know what scriptures I've yet to see? Scriptures like Matthew 7:3-4 which says, "And why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, 'Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye, ' when you can't see past the log in your own eye?" or James 1:19-20, " You must be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires."

So can we please stop the nonsense? If you have a problem with how things are going, write to the Senate, Congress, state Governor, Barak Obama, your mail man. Write whoever you want to write to in government. We live in a country where we still have the right and freedom to do so. You'll have a lot higher chance of changing things you feel need to be change through this method rather than posting your opinion on Facebook, Twitter, a blog, or whatever other social media outlet you use. I personally would like to go back to seeing pictures of your cute babies, your adventures, random movie reviews, and funny quotes on social media than to keep seeing political propaganda.

You are hurting people with your words, whether you realize it or not. And the ones who are getting hurt the most are sitting behind a screen, reading each word, and not saying a word.

Love is the answer people and I believe sometimes the best way to spread it is keep your judgements to yourself and go love on the people you disagree with.

A rant on being a woman.

I read something that I posted on Facebook today that I just loved. It was the question whether a woman preferred to be texted or called. The responses? One woman stated she HATED talking on the phone, another woman stated that if you really wanted to talk to her, you would call her. What was the men's response to this? There were no words from their mouths, just the word "dumbfounded" to describe their wordless responses.

This really made my day because it really describes woman so perfectly. I've been thinking about this and what it's like to be a woman ever since I read this and it sent me on a little rant of what it's like to be a woman.

First off, I just want to say that I love being a woman. It truly is hard at times, but I love being who I am. I also love having friendships with women. I have had the privilege to meet and form relationships with many women and I'm here to tell you, there are some beautiful, intricate women in this world whose hearts are full of goodness.

But if you get down and honest, women are sometimes the hardest to get along with and the hardest to understand. I've not only heard men say this but I've heard other women say it as well. I'm almost positive psychology was created not only to understand people in general, but to add some scientific equations in the quest to understand a woman.

Though it would be great to have an equation to understand women (trust me guys, we would use the same tool on each other if there was such a thing) there has yet to be one and there never will be. Want to know why?  It's because we are ironically both simple and complex in multiple ways. There are parts in us that are as simple as "yes" or "no" and other parts that are so complex that you would beg for a calculus problem rather than to dive into the complexity of our opinion when it comes to why we would rather you place the silverware down in the dishwasher rather than up. This balance of simple and complex are not a "one size fits all" type thing. What might be more simple in one woman might be more complex in another. We're all so different.

Women are complex but isn't that what's so intriguing about us? Isn't that why, despite all the complications, we still seek to have relationships with women? Whether that be a friendship or a romantic relationship. Because not only can a woman be physically beautiful, she can be intellectually intriguing, and have a heart that is bigger and more beautiful than any rare gem you can find on this planet.

So no, we are never going to be simple. We are always going to be complex in one way or another. If you know a women who is 'simple' she's lying to you. I have yet to really get to know a woman who isn't complex once you really get to know her. Yet, there are woman walking around wearing 'simple' mask. They have tried to fit themselves into these boxes because somewhere along the way they got the idea that to live outside of the box is undesirable. It could have been a man who made them believe this or another woman. It doesn't matter who told them, they sadly somehow morphed this lie into truth in their life.

I once had a man tell me he wanted to know who I was. It was a simple question, yet it changed my world to this day. The fact that at 26 years of age, he was the first person (let alone guy) who sincerely wanted to know what was inside of me changed me. It made me aware of how simple I was trying to make myself to be (when I'm not). It made me realize how I had hidden parts of me just so that I would never be a burden to anyone.

I'd sadly somehow come to the conclusion along the way that to be complex would be a BURDEN to someone.

Whether that guy genuinely wanted to know what is inside of me, I'll probably never know, but it did make me want to know what's inside. It made me want to take off my running shoes and finally sit with this big heart inside of me and not run when I didn't truly understand what was there. It lit a flame of hope in me that one would really want to know that and that they wouldn't run and hide when they came to realize that to really answer that question would require years of adventures, life events, and hours upon hours of conversation.

To all the women out there. Don't be afraid of what's inside of you. While avoiding the bad you're going to miss out on all the good things that live beneath the dirt and muck. You'll be surprised to find that you're more beautiful, mud and all, than you ever truly believed. You don't need someone to come into your life to make you believe it, you need to believe it for yourself first.

To all the men out there. Sorry (but not really sorry), we are never going to be simple. We are never going to be fully understood in just a few conversations. But I encourage you not to run the minute you become aware that you're sitting across the table from a woman who scares the shit out of you. Truth is, if she's willing to come back and sit across the table from you again, you probably scare the shit out of her, too. We're human, too. We are just as scared to know your heart as you are to know ours (hell, half of us are scared of our own). 

Women's hearts are big and complex but I promise you, whether you are a man or a woman, you won't regret diving head first in. 

Pain is (unfortunately) Essential

We have to suffer sometimes. We do.

I'm really bad about puking rainbows onto people daily. I'm always challenging people to look for the good in their situation. Even though it is healthy to vent about the problems you are dealing with, it is not healthy to continually moan and groan about your life. To constantly complain about the things going wrong in your life doesn't change your circumstance nor your perspective.

But that doesn't mean I don't believe in suffering.

That doesn't mean I don't think suffering and heartache are vital roads we have to choose to take sometimes. If we do not embrace the moments we experience suffering, we easily forget about the good things that shine bright in our life. Suffering and pain is needed to helps us grow, I believe it makes us better and happier people in the long run.

There is this mentality in our culture that you should always avoid pain. We've made this life into focusing on our happiness.

"If you're not happy with your circumstances then change them." That seems to be the melody of our time.

Though I believe there is a time in place for self empowerment and taking the reigns of your life and pulling yourself out of negativity. I also believe there is a time and place for sitting in your shitty situation and allowing it to make you better.

Sometimes tears are necessary. For maybe the ground we sit upon needs those tears to help grow something new and beautiful.

I recently read an old quote from Hannah Brencher where she was talking about the chiseling process. The process in which all the old things that weigh you down are being chiseled away.

The more I thought about this process, the more I realized how much it hurts. To allow parts that are apart of you to be chiseled away is going to hurt like hell. It's going to hurt, you will be uncomfortable the whole time, and guess what.... You're not going to be happy with the process. But if we really want to be new, if we really want to spend our lives dancing in freedom, we have to be unhappy for a while. We have to allow the pain so that one day we can spread our wings and we will be light enough for the wind to pick us up and allow us to fly.

The chiseling process looks different for each of us, maybe it's just an attitude change or a change in perspective. For others it might be a change of relationships or job. Whatever it is, it's not going to be easy and it might hurt in some way such as your pride or comfort zone. But I can't stop believing we were made for this. We weren't made to carry our past nor other peoples baggage on our shoulders. I personally believe in a God who became a martyr so that we wouldn't have to be one.

I started the chiseling process last year. It hasn't been easy and it hasn't always been fun. Yet, I'm waking up each day with a little more bounce in my step than the day before. I'm finding my life to take directions and turns I never considered possible before. My life is going in a direction that is filled with freedom and love. The cool thing about receiving freedom and love is you find yourself wanting to give it more often to others. If I can give anyone anything, that's exactly what I want to give them: freedom and love.