Healing

It was Friday March 14, 2014. I walked through the doors into Barnes and Noble. I walked to the first row of books that came into my eyesight and I started looking. I didn’t know what I was looking for but I was determined to find what I didn’t know I needed at the time. I judged each book by its cover, taking in each syllable, praying one would finally be it.

At this time in my life, my head had been spinning nonstop with thoughts for over a month. I was tired of the spinning, I truly didn’t understand the spinning, so I was looking for the answer. I was looking down each shelf of the beautifully displayed books, praying one would say, “Pick me. I’m what you need, I’m what you are looking for.”

I paced back and worth down my ‘go to’ isles. I went to each section of authors that I normally love. As I read each description of the books I picked up, nothing called me to take it home.

I just wanted it to stop. I just wanted the spinning in my head to stop. There was so much clutter. There were clutters of emotions I had suppressed for months. There were current feelings that I didn’t understand. All were colliding together, creating constant noise in my head.

I was really busy at this time in my life. I mean, REALLY BUSY. I was working three jobs, saying yes to anyone who asked me to do something. The business was good. It distracted me from the noise in my head. I could function (or I thought I could at least). But on this Friday night, my phone was not buzzing with text messages, there were no notification to attend to. All that was left was the noise and I.

I finally gave up. I could not find the answers I was looking for on the shelves of Barnes and Noble. Amidst the thousands of words that could have been carried with me with one swift movement, I could not find the ones I so desperately needed.

I finally walked to the Best Seller section, saw The Great Gatsby, remembered how I liked the movie but never read the book. I wanted to walk out with something, so I settled for this fictional paperback.

I began to walk towards the register when I noticed out the corner of my eye a section I never visit. It’s on the far end, kind of awkwardly set aside. On it’s shelves held pages and pages of blank papers; journals. One in particular caught my eye. It had a red bind with little strips of different colors paper sown in with red string. I remember staring at it. I loved the colors. I loved the way the paper was sown into the cover. I came in search for words that night, but instead I walked away with blank pages.

I bought The Great Gatsby, the blank journal, and went to Starbucks. I got my favorite non-coffee drink, posted a filtered picture onto Instagram (because when your world has become chaotic, sometimes a filtered picture can deceive you into believing you can filter your real life), sat back and tried to read.

I couldn’t make it through the first chapter. Even though I was in a crowded coffee shop, on a Friday night, surrounded by multiple conversations, I could not drown out the emotions that were so desperately trying to escape. I began to realize that Instagram filters cannot actually filter your real feelings and I had to get them out. I had to some how find a way to release the pressure.

That’s when I put the book down, dug through my purse, found a pen and began to write down some of the noise that was screaming in my head. I wonder what I looked liked from the outside in this moment. I feel like I looked like this idealistic girl, sitting in a coffee shop without any cares in the world but if you were to read that entry on March 14^th, you would have learned other wise.

I wrote until I felt I was going to cry in the middle of Starbucks, so I stopped, grabbed my stuff, and left. I went home to my roommates and acted as if I had had a relaxing Friday night alone.

It was later that night that I noticed a difference in myself as I laid down to sleep. I felt better in the same way you feel after taking a decongestant when you have sinus problems. The problem hasn’t left, but for a brief moment, you experienced a release of pressure. For a solid moment, you can breathe again.

I once had someone tell me that sometimes we ask God for the answers, for the tools to fix things when it reality He’s already given us all we need. Everything we need, is just laying inside of us, waiting to be used. That’s what happened that night in Barnes and Noble. I went in looking for other people’s words, for their words to bring me relief when in reality what I needed that night was inside of me. The words I needed were laying in my chest, just waiting to be released.

I’ve been journaling and blogging ever since that night. I have been writing and releasing words that build up inside of me. I went one week without writing and I paid the price for it. I began to feel emotionally constipated. I’m extremely empathetic and a processor, I have learned that if I do not take time to sit and process my thoughts, my head can get foggy. It can clutter easily.

This night was just the beginning of a long healing process for me. It was just the spark to a dark hard road that would only spit me out better and stronger. Writing became apart of my healing process. It has become apart of me.

Writing helped heal me. Something that has always been sitting inside of me helped heal me.

The Letting Go Melody Continues...

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” 

― Rainer Maria Rilke

I feel like I write so much on letting go.

It's the reoccurring melody in my life. I feel like 90% of the time I come to God with my worries, concerns, and questions his answer at the end is always,"Let it go, love. You just have to let it go."

It's never the answer I want, so I run to 20 other people with my same woahs and concerns. But it doesn't matter how hard I try to shake the magic eight ball with people, the answer is always the same in the end. 

Trust and let it go.

I was reading a book last night and the author talked about the story in Mark 10. It's the story of the rich man coming to Jesus asking what he needed to do in order to have eternal life. As I read the story myself, I see this man coming up to Jesus, cautious, knowing the type of man he is speaking with. Jesus replies in a way one would answer kids who ask the exact same question in 20 different ways. I bet he had this tone like, "You know the answer, but I'll play along and tell you what you already know."

The man then told him that he had been doing this his whole life. If you keep reading, something pops out that had never popped out to me before. The author of the book is the one who pointed it out to me. She pointed out the beginning of verse 21 that said, "Jesus saw him and loved him."

He SAW him and LOVED him.

Tears. Tears came streaming down my face.

I put myself in that man's position in that moment. Coming to God asking for answers that he knows I already know the answers to. Yet, He SEE'S me and LOVES me. Still.

It feels so good to be seen. To not only be seen, but to be loved as well.

It's comforting to know that in all my rambling and and questions, He see's me. He hears me. Yet, the answer is still the same.

And ironically (or not really) he continues on to tell the man that he has to LET GO. For him it was possession but I feel like it's bigger than just possessions. It's EVERYTHING that holds space up in our lives. It's the things that clutter our head. It's the things that wake us up in the middle of the night. It's the dreams we don't understand. God says, "You want me? You really want me? Let go. Let go of all the clutter. It's only preventing you from getting to me."

Maybe the melody of letting go is not a horrible melody to be dancing to. It's difficult and complex but in the end, I don't think I'll regret it. And regret, that's the one guy I've made a goal to live with less. There are going to be regrets at times due to decisions you've made, they are unavoidable but if there is any regret I try to avoid, it's the one of just not taking the risk, taking a leap of faith and just seeing what can happen.

In the end, you won't have the 'what if' regrets. You might not be the happiest with your decision, but you'll be able to walk tall knowing you tried. You at least tried.

Remembering.

I remember this time last year. I remember it all too well.

I remember sitting alone in my room, laptop in hand, having to write the hardest email I have ever written.

I remember the way the keys felt beneath my fingers. I remember the warmth of my laptop. But what I remember the most is the peace and confirmation that came as I wrote. Even though this was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do, everything in me told me it was right. Everything in me pushed me to keep typing the letters. I felt relief fill my tired muscles as each syllable found it's way onto my computer screen.

I was having to tell someone that I was letting go, I was walking away. This wasn't something I normally do. I have always boasted about my ability to stay in touch with people, about my ability to maintain relationships with people. This was outside my norm. I have never been one to tell someone, "I can no longer be apart of your life." I wasn't letting them go because of anything they had done. Truth be told I had known for a while. I had known it was time to walk away because I needed to grow and I couldn't with them in my life. As much as I loved them with every ounce of who I am, I knew I was made to grow and I couldn't if they stayed.

That's the thing about growing. You can't always grow while clinging onto someone. You can't grow to your full potential if you are alway holding back for someone else, always trying to be the one to support them. Always being the one to help push them back up to the surface when they need air.

I wrote someone a letter one time. It's a letter I never sent to them for they decided to let me go, for they too knew that sometimes, no matter how wonderful the person is, you can't grow the way you need to with them. I wrote it because I felt I had held them back. I felt that I had and would have been a hinderance to their growth if they stayed. I'm so sensitive to hurting people that I'll not only apologize for things I did, but for things I could have done as well. That's what I did in this letter. I apologized for what could have happened if they stayed. I apologized because I wanted them to stay at the time, not realizing the consequences they would have had to suffer if they did. I wrote, "I was puking up emotions, grasping for something to hold onto, and you didn’t need to be that person to hold me up. You didn’t need to be the person who was cleaning up my emotional vomit and if you had stuck around that’s exactly what you would have done, because even though I didn’t spend much time with you, I already could see that you would be the guy to clean up my emotional mess if you were put in that kind of position. You know what though? You were not created to be someone’s janitor, cleaning up after a mess they’ve made." 

I'm not ashamed to admit when I'm right and I truly believe I was right when I said, "You were not created to be someone's janitor." Because you weren't. You weren't created to just clean up others people's messes and other people were not created to clean up yours.

Hannah Brencher posted a quote onto Instagram yesterday that has been spinning through my mind since. It said, "Clinging is just shrinking wearing more makeup. It's not your job to determine what parts of your identity you wanted to wear like a mask forever. It's not your job to try and control who stays. It's sad and hopeful all at the same time: some things are only going to become the beautiful they were meant to be when we give ourselves the permission to let them go for good."

I think about this person I wrote the unsent letter to and I can't help but hope and pray they are becoming the beautiful they were meant to be. I pray that by letting go, they have been able to grow and find ways to let go of the hard things they need to let go of.

The email I wrote and sent, well I receiving an email back. I remember reading the words and feeling all the hurt they carried. I remembered crying because I never wanted to hurt them, that was what kept me from letting go in the first place. I never wanted anyone to get hurt.

 I remember calling people who cared about me in tears because even though I had peace while writing the email, the reality and pain that came with the truth was hard to deal with alone. 

I was reminded of this email that I wrote over a year ago tonight. I was reminded of the pain and heartbreak that came with the truth. Tonight, I happily sit in my bed, with my laptop in my lap and drink in the joy of taking the hard road. I drink in the power truth really has and the promise that comes with letting go, finally believing that it has the ability to change everything for the good. Sometimes letting go has to take place so that JOY can find a way to take root in your life and grow. 

There are aches and pain in letting certain people go but I can't help but believe that it does more good than harm.

Movement

I read a story the other day that started out with a quote from Albert Einstein that said, "The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe."

She then told her story of how she lived in a run down, unsafe apartment when she first moved to LA. How she lived with a bank account in the negatives for years with barely having enough food to eat but it ended up being worth it. She eventually worked her way out of this apartment. She pushed through the bad days and the feeling that what she was working for was never going to happen. She talked of a night when she had not a penny to her name and crumbs as food. On that night she read the quote from Albert Einstein and discussed how it changed her perspective of her situation. Instead of allowing the pits of which she was living in to consume her, she changed her perspective and allowed it to help her move forward.

As I read this story, I thought about how unsafe her life was at the time. She spoke of the neighborhood and how she would park her car blocks away from her apartment and run to her home, because she was afraid of what would happen to her car if she park it at the complex. I thought about how she had to adjust her life knowing the risk she was living in. It blew my mind that she even considers taking the risk. She literally risked her life and her sanity in hopes that she will one day do what she loves to do.

This quote and this story brought a whole new perspective to my day. I had had a day that was filled with worries and mistakes. Tears filled my eyes at one point because I could barely handle the knots that were tied in my stomach. I felt my shoulders rise as I realized I might have made a major mistake.

Then I read this quote and story. It made me realize that apart of this journey is going through the dark ally of fear, willingly walking into the unknown knowing we could be hurt or damaged. It's about believing that their is a goodness out there greater than those dark allies, the mistakes we make, the pits we find ourselves in. 

Goodness is alway bigger than the bad. Goodness will eventually win.

It made me realize that if we want to live a life of safety, we have to kiss our dreams goodbye. We have to be willing to be miserably complacent in exchange of knowing we will never be hurt. To live a life full of dreams and joy means you have to live in the worn down apartment. It means you have to cry when everything is falling apart, for in those moments we ultimately have a choice whether to believe those moments define our lives or they are just dark shadows passing in a world full of beautiful light. 

Bad days will come no matter what but ultimately we have to decide if we want to take the risk of unsafe bad days in order to keep moving forward or be content in the safe bad days of never moving and never growing.

In a world where we can have whatever we want with just a few swift movement of fingers on a key board, it's easy to believe dreams can be accomplished in the same way. It's easy to fall into the trap of complacency and build a home there. 

One thing I love about my career choice is that I get to hear people's stories. I get to hear the ups and the downs of people's lives. I love hearing about people's lives and what they have encountered. The stories I find most fascinating are the ones where people took risks. They decided something for themselves then they just started walking in that direction, not always knowing where they are going or if they are taking the right steps. They just start moving. 

And THAT has been the common denominator. MOVEMENT.

You have to move. You have to be willing to make mistakes. Without those risk, you will find yourself in a miserably complacent life. And out of all things I believe, I DO NOT believe we were made for a miserably complacent life. I believe we were made to accomplish dreams. I believe we were all put here to continue moving and continue growing. The hardest part most of the time is to just. start. moving.    

We Will Win.

Trust.

A reoccurring theme in my life.

To trust that my heart is loved and cherished by the very being that created every miraculous thing on this planet.

To trust that my mistakes are only pot holes on the road and that the bigger mistake would be to go looking for a smoother, easier path.

To trust that my life was not intended to look like others and that's what makes it so magical.

To trust that living in the question is just as exciting (if not more exciting) as living in the answer.

Trust is a constant fight. It's a fight that you choose to tackle everyday. It can be exhausting. It can tear you and break you but I have to believe that it's the best fight you will ever be in. I have to believe that when we finally fight our demons, trust will show us it was worth it. It will show us that all the battles were worth it. It will show us that even when we were losing, we were made to win.

It might be a fight, but it's a fight we were made to win.

WE WILL WIN.

Dear Future Daughter

Dear Future Daughter,

It blows my mind that I'm writing you this letter right now. The thought of having a child at this point in my life is mind boggling and if I'm being honest, terrifying. I really don't even know if you'll even really exist one day or if you'll be of my own blood or if you've been chosen by my son to be in our family or if someone made the greatest sacrifice that anyone could ever make and allowed you to be mine. I have no idea what the future holds. All I know is that while at the gym this morning, while changing out of my sweaty gym clothes, words came flooding over me for you. 

Instead of moving on with the rest of my day as if nothing happened, I decided to sit down and organize these words to the best of my ability.

When the words came flooding in so did emotions. I have to tell you that I was overwhelmed with the amount of love I felt for you. It's a love unlike any other. I've heard many parents describe this feeling when they talk about seeing their child for the first time and if what I felt is a reflection of this kind of love I have no doubt they are right when they say "there is nothing in this world like this feeling". I'll tell you what baby girl, there isn't.

I'll be honest, to even get the smallest glimpse of this level of love is terrifying. It's terrifying because I could already sense the power it has to change you. It can and will change you because as soon as our eyes meet, I will do anything in my power to make sure no one ever hurts you. It's a love so deep, so complex, that you could easily lose sight of yourself in order to be sure that no one even pricks that heart of yours.

But here's the thing, love. Someone will prick that heart. Some one will scratch it and possibly break it. It doesn't matter how tight I wrap you into my arms, someone will get a hold of that heart and possibly hurt it. When that day comes, when you realize the power you allowed someone to have over you and they abused it, want you to know how proud I am of you. Because it doesn't matter the amount of mistakes you make, it doesn't matter how much you screw up or who you let take advantage of you. I know that heart of yours, I know the weight of gold it carries, and I will always, always be proud of who you are. 

Because that's what I want for you. I want you to be YOU. I want you to know that the only expectation I have is that you be EXACTLY who God created you to be. You don't have to be anything different for me. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to be successful. If I had to choose a preference, the only thing I would want for you is to be able to look in the mirror and love the pearly eyed girl you see staring back.

But there will be them days when you look in the mirror and you're not sure who is staring back at you. You won't be sure if you love what you see and it will almost become a reflex to keep from staring too long. It's ok, baby girl. That's apart of life and apart of this thing we call living. We won't always like what we see in the mirror but guess what, you'll always, ALWAYS, have the power and choice to change. You don't always have to be this girl you detest in the mirror. You have the choice to be who ever you want to be. 

But if you're going to change be sure you're changing for you and you alone. A boy should never ask you to change for him. A friend should never ask you to change for them. I should never ask you to change for me. You change because YOU want to change. 

Be enough for yourself. When you're enough for yourself, the people you are enough for will stick around and believe who you are is enough too. 

I couldn't help but think of your strength. Honey, you are apart of a family of women who could carry the weight of the world with the amount of strength they have (and trust me, we try to). You are capable of accomplishing ANYTHING you set your mind to. It doesn't matter if no one has ever tried it in our family. If you want to try it, go for it, my love. 

Relationships. Oh, baby girl. You'll find all types of relationships in this life. What's important to know is that the ones worth keeping will never expect much from you but will always give freely. These are the ones you pour your heart and soul into. There will be times when you want to be a little of everything for everyone, but this will only bleed you dry. Always be willing to give but be sure you are being filled too.

Boys. Let's talk about them. You are a girl full of love and you will want nothing more than to give that love to someone one day. Just don't ever let them define your worth or value. Boys will belittle you to make you into what they want you to be. They will only come around when they want you and leave when something better has come along. A man will stick around when he's ready to commit to you and leave when he knows he can't give you what you deserve. A man will look into the depth of your heart and call you out in the most loving way possible. You won't even be able to be mad because he will be so loving about it the only thing you'll want when you walk away is to be a better person. You will want nothing more than to be a whole person for a man like that. You will find yourself loving yourself better and taking care of yourself better because he wasn't afraid to tell you the loving truth. I'm not with your dad right now and I have no idea who he is at this point in life, but I already know that he's a man that I love and respect more than anyone else on this planet. 

If these words today are any prediction of the future, here's what I really want to tell you: I love you more than I'll ever be able to say, but I plan to tell you more than you'll need to hear. I want to be sure that my positive words out weigh my negative words. Words are so powerful. I hope I never forget that with you. People might say that I overly praise you or overly build your confidence but the truth is that this world is harsh and will tear you down in a heart beat. The last person you need tearing you down is me. 

I can't wait to learn about you and see what you have to teach me. Your mind is so beautiful and I want to be sure and take as much time as possibly to see what you have to teach me.

Even though my intention are true and I love you more than I could ever imagine, life is full of distractions and I will not always take the time that is needed to listen to you. There will be moments I let pass by because I was lost in my own problems of the day. There will be days when I forget to tell you how much I love you. I hope you always have room in that big heart to forgive me for the lost moments. I hope you grow to see my humanness and know that as badly as I want to be everything for you, I can't. I hope I'm always willing to confess these mistakes to you. Even if you're just 5 years old, I hope I never stop saying sorry and confessing when I mess up. I'm human, just like you little dove, may we be able to hold each other hands and never allow our mistakes to keep us far apart.

You are not apart of my plan for life right now but if I have learned anything in the 27 years of life I have lived (and being the planner that I am) that the BEST things are not planned. Even if you come into this world unplanned, I want you to know that as soon as I hold you into my arms I'll know that I could have never wanted anything else in this life.

With more love than you could ever know,

Your Future Mother.

You Have Permission

You have permission to feel the way you feel. Whether what you feel is accurate or not, you're feeling. You're allowing people and events into your life. This is good. This is beautiful. Please, don't stop.

You have permission to screw up. All of us live a life of trying to balance. We get distracted, we work too hard, we run into glass doors because we're took busy looking at our phones. Stop beating yourself up over your mistakes. Say your sorry, forgive someone, forgive yourself. Once you've wiped the tears from your eyes look forward and start walking.

You have permission to dance a ballad with the ghost of your past. They will always be apart of you. Whether your memories are good or bad they played a part in who you are today. You loved them, you hated them, but in the end you grew. Give yourself permission to dance a song of gratitude to this person, you wouldn't be where you are today without their influence.

You have permission to be angry.

(I need to write this again)

You have permission to be angry.

You have permission to take risks. Even if rejection is almost guaranteed, take it. Your value is not weighed on the number of people who reject you. Only you have the power to weigh your value.

You have permission to be vulnerable, to break the rules, to cry, to laugh, to dance, to run, to write, to listen, to talk, to think.

Stop thinking you do not have the right or freedom to be who you are, because you do.

Don't be afraid to give yourself permission to do something lovely for yourself, to say something that boost your ego. You deserve it. Your opinion matters. It's ok to say positive things to yourself. Maybe that should be the first thing you give yourself permission to do.

Imagine the weight of believing your own positive words and learning to pour them onto yourself. Just imagine the ripple effect that could have in your life.

You have a God who gives you freedom everyday, knowing it could be used in the wrong way. Yet, he thought it worth while to give it to us anyways. Lets not go another day wasting this beautiful gift.

Give yourself permission to live in freedom. It's worth it.