When Lonely Comes Knocking

It has become pretty predictable.

I know when loneliness is going to creep in. It's late at night, when both the internet and phone have become silent. It's early in the morning when you have no where to be. It's after hours of time alone and you have reenergized, ready to take on the world and there is no one around.

Loneliness has become a predictable element in my life. It always finds a way to attach to my heart for a short period of time, making my mind run in circles.

When loneliness hits it brings an aching into your soul that burns like nothing else. It has this habit of reminding you what you really want, what you really desire. The problem with the way loneliness makes you feel is that it gives you a false deception that it is can be cured easily. It whispers an answer that seems so simple, it whispers an antidote saying, "You will be happy. I promise you. You'll be happy and never hear from me again."

I haven't been on a date in a over a year and a half. I've had a few offers over the past year but decided that it was time for me to take a break from the whole dating scene. I had come to realize that I was in it for all the wrong reasons and I needed to take sometime to pull myself together. I thought I would only need about 6 months, but 6 months turned into a year and a year has turned into a year and 6 months. Truth is, I don't know if I'll ever fully 'emerge' myself back in. You won't find me on dating websites or apps. You won't find me out at the bars most nights trying to see if someone would notice me.

I asked God a very simple question not too long ago. I asked him, "Is marriage something you really have in store for me in the future? Or do I need to grieve that dream and let it go? I just want to accept whatever the truth is." God is not always one to answer me immediately but this time he did. I remember very instantly and almost audibly him saying, "Yes, marriage is something I have in store for you."

If that's not crazy enough for you, it gets even better. He has very distinctly put into my heart to not look for it. I'm not suppose to be out trying to make something work with someone. He has told me that he will bring it to me, I don't have to look, I don't have to manipulate, I don't have to go on playing the game. He'll bring it. Whoever it is that is meant to dive into that journey with me will not be able to shake me, they will not be able to run. Because God knows that I've never been the type to need multiple arms wrapped around me. He know's I've never wanted my heart falling for each guy who says my name just right. I've always wanted just one. That is all.

Despite knowing these things, loneliness has tried to sing a different tune to me. It's ache and moan can easily distract this faithful and trusting heart but there is one desire, one truth that has helped to defer it's tactful ways. The one truth that has helped me through the loneliest of moments is the truth that one day, I want to look into someone's eyes and tell them that I WANT them in my life, I don't NEED them.

Needing and wanting are different characters with two different agenda's. Working in a field with needy people has made me realize the difference between needing and wanting. To NEED someone is draining. It takes so much energy from a person. When you NEED someone, you are taking from them. Causing them to be drained constantly. But to WANT someone. Well, that's saying you choose to be there. You know how to be full and complete even if that person walks away. Doesn't mean you won't be sad, just means you will still survive. You can still live a full life.

Here's another thing I have learned about loneliness, it cannot be cured through another person. I sadly have heard too many stories of marriages and relationships where a person had someone yet was still utterly alone.

Loneliness will always try and offer you a cure, but the truth is that the only cure is to find happiness in the midst of loneliness. To find the strength and joy that exist outside of another person orbit. It's knowing that loneliness will always be a companion in your life. It will always find it's way to you, yet you can still not need anyone. You can still stand on your own two feet and hold your head high and know you're good. You. Are. Okay.

Hate is NEVER the answer

The internet has been a busy place this week. My Facebook page has been filled with post after post with people's opinions. I haven't said a word so far. I've sat back and watched as each post came across my newsfeed reading each and every single word that has been posted.

I'm not going to share my opinion on all the recent matters. Someone once told me that opinions are like arm pits, everyone has one and they all stink. The internet has become equivalent to a middle school hallway and I'm not about to stink it up even more.

But I am going to say this. No matter what you believe or where you stand in all the recent matters, HATE IS NEVER THE ANSWER.

Hate will not change people. Hate will not convict someone to choose a different path. All hate does is belittle people and hurt them. You want to change things? You want to make a difference in a persons life, then choose less words and instead give more time to people. Spend time with people who believe differently than you. Open your home to people who live differently than you. What you are going to find is that these people are just like you.

They have dreams, fears, scars, phobias, likes, dislikes, etc. Just like you. What might surprise you the most is that you might have more in common than you would ever like to admit.

I'll never forget a home I worked in when I was working as an in home counselor a few years ago. When I walked through the door, you could tell that it had been months since it had been cleaned. There was dog feces all over the floor. As I sat in the mold and bug infested kitchen with the mother in the house hold, I found out that she was an educated woman. She held three degree's, once had a successful career, and loved her family with all she had left inside of her. I sat with her daughter and saw pictures of the house. It was spot less at one point. There were no bugs, no mold, no dog feces at one point. What this woman taught me is that somethings (such as poverty, drug addictions, etc) do not discriminate. Don't be quick to think that just because you have an education, just because you grew up in a stable home or grew up in church that you are immune from falling into a dark hole.

Scripture has been tossed around and used as a way to spread judgment, judgement that no one has the right to throw out at people. But you know what scriptures I've yet to see? Scriptures like Matthew 7:3-4 which says, "And why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, 'Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye, ' when you can't see past the log in your own eye?" or James 1:19-20, " You must be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires."

So can we please stop the nonsense? If you have a problem with how things are going, write to the Senate, Congress, state Governor, Barak Obama, your mail man. Write whoever you want to write to in government. We live in a country where we still have the right and freedom to do so. You'll have a lot higher chance of changing things you feel need to be change through this method rather than posting your opinion on Facebook, Twitter, a blog, or whatever other social media outlet you use. I personally would like to go back to seeing pictures of your cute babies, your adventures, random movie reviews, and funny quotes on social media than to keep seeing political propaganda.

You are hurting people with your words, whether you realize it or not. And the ones who are getting hurt the most are sitting behind a screen, reading each word, and not saying a word.

Love is the answer people and I believe sometimes the best way to spread it is keep your judgements to yourself and go love on the people you disagree with.

A rant on being a woman.

I read something that I posted on Facebook today that I just loved. It was the question whether a woman preferred to be texted or called. The responses? One woman stated she HATED talking on the phone, another woman stated that if you really wanted to talk to her, you would call her. What was the men's response to this? There were no words from their mouths, just the word "dumbfounded" to describe their wordless responses.

This really made my day because it really describes woman so perfectly. I've been thinking about this and what it's like to be a woman ever since I read this and it sent me on a little rant of what it's like to be a woman.

First off, I just want to say that I love being a woman. It truly is hard at times, but I love being who I am. I also love having friendships with women. I have had the privilege to meet and form relationships with many women and I'm here to tell you, there are some beautiful, intricate women in this world whose hearts are full of goodness.

But if you get down and honest, women are sometimes the hardest to get along with and the hardest to understand. I've not only heard men say this but I've heard other women say it as well. I'm almost positive psychology was created not only to understand people in general, but to add some scientific equations in the quest to understand a woman.

Though it would be great to have an equation to understand women (trust me guys, we would use the same tool on each other if there was such a thing) there has yet to be one and there never will be. Want to know why?  It's because we are ironically both simple and complex in multiple ways. There are parts in us that are as simple as "yes" or "no" and other parts that are so complex that you would beg for a calculus problem rather than to dive into the complexity of our opinion when it comes to why we would rather you place the silverware down in the dishwasher rather than up. This balance of simple and complex are not a "one size fits all" type thing. What might be more simple in one woman might be more complex in another. We're all so different.

Women are complex but isn't that what's so intriguing about us? Isn't that why, despite all the complications, we still seek to have relationships with women? Whether that be a friendship or a romantic relationship. Because not only can a woman be physically beautiful, she can be intellectually intriguing, and have a heart that is bigger and more beautiful than any rare gem you can find on this planet.

So no, we are never going to be simple. We are always going to be complex in one way or another. If you know a women who is 'simple' she's lying to you. I have yet to really get to know a woman who isn't complex once you really get to know her. Yet, there are woman walking around wearing 'simple' mask. They have tried to fit themselves into these boxes because somewhere along the way they got the idea that to live outside of the box is undesirable. It could have been a man who made them believe this or another woman. It doesn't matter who told them, they sadly somehow morphed this lie into truth in their life.

I once had a man tell me he wanted to know who I was. It was a simple question, yet it changed my world to this day. The fact that at 26 years of age, he was the first person (let alone guy) who sincerely wanted to know what was inside of me changed me. It made me aware of how simple I was trying to make myself to be (when I'm not). It made me realize how I had hidden parts of me just so that I would never be a burden to anyone.

I'd sadly somehow come to the conclusion along the way that to be complex would be a BURDEN to someone.

Whether that guy genuinely wanted to know what is inside of me, I'll probably never know, but it did make me want to know what's inside. It made me want to take off my running shoes and finally sit with this big heart inside of me and not run when I didn't truly understand what was there. It lit a flame of hope in me that one would really want to know that and that they wouldn't run and hide when they came to realize that to really answer that question would require years of adventures, life events, and hours upon hours of conversation.

To all the women out there. Don't be afraid of what's inside of you. While avoiding the bad you're going to miss out on all the good things that live beneath the dirt and muck. You'll be surprised to find that you're more beautiful, mud and all, than you ever truly believed. You don't need someone to come into your life to make you believe it, you need to believe it for yourself first.

To all the men out there. Sorry (but not really sorry), we are never going to be simple. We are never going to be fully understood in just a few conversations. But I encourage you not to run the minute you become aware that you're sitting across the table from a woman who scares the shit out of you. Truth is, if she's willing to come back and sit across the table from you again, you probably scare the shit out of her, too. We're human, too. We are just as scared to know your heart as you are to know ours (hell, half of us are scared of our own). 

Women's hearts are big and complex but I promise you, whether you are a man or a woman, you won't regret diving head first in. 

Pain is (unfortunately) Essential

We have to suffer sometimes. We do.

I'm really bad about puking rainbows onto people daily. I'm always challenging people to look for the good in their situation. Even though it is healthy to vent about the problems you are dealing with, it is not healthy to continually moan and groan about your life. To constantly complain about the things going wrong in your life doesn't change your circumstance nor your perspective.

But that doesn't mean I don't believe in suffering.

That doesn't mean I don't think suffering and heartache are vital roads we have to choose to take sometimes. If we do not embrace the moments we experience suffering, we easily forget about the good things that shine bright in our life. Suffering and pain is needed to helps us grow, I believe it makes us better and happier people in the long run.

There is this mentality in our culture that you should always avoid pain. We've made this life into focusing on our happiness.

"If you're not happy with your circumstances then change them." That seems to be the melody of our time.

Though I believe there is a time in place for self empowerment and taking the reigns of your life and pulling yourself out of negativity. I also believe there is a time and place for sitting in your shitty situation and allowing it to make you better.

Sometimes tears are necessary. For maybe the ground we sit upon needs those tears to help grow something new and beautiful.

I recently read an old quote from Hannah Brencher where she was talking about the chiseling process. The process in which all the old things that weigh you down are being chiseled away.

The more I thought about this process, the more I realized how much it hurts. To allow parts that are apart of you to be chiseled away is going to hurt like hell. It's going to hurt, you will be uncomfortable the whole time, and guess what.... You're not going to be happy with the process. But if we really want to be new, if we really want to spend our lives dancing in freedom, we have to be unhappy for a while. We have to allow the pain so that one day we can spread our wings and we will be light enough for the wind to pick us up and allow us to fly.

The chiseling process looks different for each of us, maybe it's just an attitude change or a change in perspective. For others it might be a change of relationships or job. Whatever it is, it's not going to be easy and it might hurt in some way such as your pride or comfort zone. But I can't stop believing we were made for this. We weren't made to carry our past nor other peoples baggage on our shoulders. I personally believe in a God who became a martyr so that we wouldn't have to be one.

I started the chiseling process last year. It hasn't been easy and it hasn't always been fun. Yet, I'm waking up each day with a little more bounce in my step than the day before. I'm finding my life to take directions and turns I never considered possible before. My life is going in a direction that is filled with freedom and love. The cool thing about receiving freedom and love is you find yourself wanting to give it more often to others. If I can give anyone anything, that's exactly what I want to give them: freedom and love.

Control.

I struggle with control.

There. I finally said it.

I don't why. I really don't. 

Sure, life has thrown tragedy in my face a few times but the control was there before I knew of tragedy. Even as a kid, I was very driven and stubborn.

It's like the illusion of control is apart of my genetic make up. As if it was an issue entrusted into me before I had a choice. 

Lack of trust. Struggling to trust someone or something outside of yourself. 

That's what God has revealed to me as to what a control issue really is.

Life is kind of like a pinball machine if you think about it. You have two buttons to help guide and direct the pinball that is bouncing around, but you actually do not control the ball. You manipulate it to go in the directions you want it to, but you really do not control the ball. The control is only an illusion.

It's a driving force inside of me, this illusion of control. Constantly trying to rid me of my contentment and joy in life.

The other night I was riding with a friend of mine and I found the words 'okay' falling from my lips. "I'm okay." I told her, "I'm finally just okay and that's not a bad thing."

To be okay. To be stagnant. I'm coming to find that it's not horrible. I've always been so driven and controlling of my life that stagnant was never a comfortable place for me before. When I would reach a place of stillness, I would find my sense of control become heightened and I would go out looking for new things, looking for something to keep me moving.

Control isn't necessarily a bad thing. It takes good self control to maintain a healthy lifestyle. A certain amount of control has to be exhorted in so many aspects of our lives, but just like any other thing in life, when it becomes your mechanism to deal with problems, the one thing you depend on to make you feel normal again, it turns into a problem.

For me to say, "I'm okay and that's not a bad thing" is a huge leap for me. It's huge because 'okay' is not exciting. 'Okay' is not fireworks or adventures across the country. It's exactly what it sounds like. It's not being high on something good or swimming in the lows. You're just exactly where you are. Nothing horrible, nothing awesome. 

And that's where I'm finally letting myself be for a while. I'm letting myself float in the sea of 'okay'. I'm letting myself take in the joy and relaxation it has to offer. I'm drinking in the glass of contentment and for the first time believing I do not have to be in control of my life, every waking moment. I'm laying back, closing my eyes, and allowing my mind to be content with that. To be content with being right where I am.

To be in control of yourself and your life at all times is exhausting. You find yourself diving into the sea of over thinking and self doubt. It leads you to many wrestling matches with discontentment and low self-worth. 

It just became too much for me. To not trust anyone or anything other than myself became a lonely road. You can't bottle everything up and only allow yourself to know the hurts and pains you feel. You can't keep all your crazy thoughts and ideas floating around inside of you. They float because they have the ability to fly. You just have to let go of the control and allow them to leave. Those thoughts and ideas may never become anything or help anyone but you never truly know unless you release them.

Having a strong sense of control IS NOT a bad thing. It takes good, strong self control to accomplish the best things in this life. But we have to learn to let go of it at times. We have to be willing to be just 'okay' or sad or happy. We don't always have to be in control. 

I'm finding myself falling back on the one truth that has yet to fail me. The truth that some of the best things are not planned. Planning is another form of control. It's taking your future and it creates a false sense of security that something good and predictable will be waiting for you there. But the truth is that my best memories are things that weren't planned. My favorite encounters with people were the ones I didn't plan to have. 

So maybe control is not all it's cracked up to be. Maybe, just maybe, we can still have a fun, fulfilling life without controlling every direction it takes.

Thank You For Staying

Moms,

You know you can leave right?

I bet you know where the suitcase is. I bet you know which pile of unfolded clothes you could grab a handful of and know it will be enough to get you out, for you to leave.

You could walk away from being a mom anytime you want to.

Now, some of you are thinking, "This is absurd. There is no way I would leave my babies. Yes, I could run out of the house screaming some days, but I would always come back. Always."

For those thinking that, THANK YOU FOR STAYING.

Because you really could wake up one day and decide to leave it all behind you. Believe it or not, women make that choice everyday. You want to know why?

BECAUSE BEING A MOM IS THE HARDEST JOB IN THE WORLD.

It is by the far the hardest, under paid job in the world.

I work in a world where I have the sweetest souls walk into my office and tell me story after story about how their mom decided to stop being a mom.

The story doesn't always include a suitcase. Sometimes it involves pills, a bottle, a needle, a man. Just because the woman who gave birth to you is living in your home does not mean she's a mother to you.

So if you have a sweet little angel anxiously handing you a hand made card, or a grown adult calling you this Mother's Day, I want to tell you THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING THIS.

Thank you for the nights you sacrificed sleep.

Thank you for the days you handed that sweet child into their father's arms and walked away to refresh your mind.

Thank you for staying, when the judgmental stares came during a trip to the grocery store and the biggest temper tantrum of all time occurred.

Thank you for staying, when vomit and diarrhea find it's way onto your shirt and pants.

Thank you for staying when you didn't think you had the energy to.

Staying is half the battle. If you can stay, your halfway doing it. Give yourself credit for that. Really, it's a huge part of the job.

I especially want to say thank you to the step mothers, foster mothers, and adopted mothers of the world.

You did not carry that child in your womb. You did not spend 9 months, feeling that child grow inside of you.

You, especially you, DO NOT HAVE TO STAY.

But you do. You stay. Everyday you choose to love a child as if you had them with you from the beginning. Your love is just as strong and vibrant, ready to storm after anyone who ever tries to hurt them or harm them. You laugh with them, you cry with them, you get angry with them. Yet, you are probably the most under appreciated part of their lives. I hope you know, that even if your child never fully knows how to express it to you, YOU MEAN EVERYTHING TO THEM.

Mom's, I can never thank you enough for staying. I can tell you that I SEE you. I see what you are doing and you are doing it beautifully. You are dancing to the dance of motherhood beautifully, mistakes and all. Just because you stumble and fall from time to time does not mean you are a bad mother, it just means you're human. It means you are living, breathing, heart beating human who is still here on this planet to shower love onto your child. I can't tell you how many people wish their mom was still here to do that.

No, you won't always do it right.

No, you won't always feel like what you do is enough.

But I hope you always take the time to remind yourself that you don't have to be perfect. No one was ever looking for perfect. They just wanted to know that they could count on you to be there. That's it. Your imperfect presence is always what's longed for.

So on this Mother's Day, read the cards and words and believe them. Believe that what you are doing TRULY DESERVES TO BE RECOGNIZED.

Who you are is enough. Allow us to celebrate that about you this mother's day weekend. Allow us to celebrate YOU.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY.

Timing and Patience.

I have a thing with time. The 'thing' is that I'm ridiculously aware of it. It is very rare that I'm not subconsciously aware of how long I've been doing something or how long something will take. 

I really wish I could turn it off. I really just want to be this person who gets so lost in her day that before she knows it, the day is over. I want to do better at having days where I do not have plans and I walk out of the house and not look at the clock the rest of the day.

It's hard for me though. It's hard to be that person. Time is apart of who I am and it's hard to walk away from.

The hardest part for me, when it comes to my internal ticking clock, is accepting the fact that other peoples clocks are not on the same time zone as me. When you have this dominating sense of time, you tend to lose patience with the people easily. You forget that they feel time differently than you do and that neither one of you have the "right" timing.

I read an email this morning and in this email these simple words in a prayer were mentioned, "reduce me to love."

I'll be honest with you, that's all I want to do for people. I just want to love them. I want to love them right where they are, for who they are. I want to look them square in the eye and say, "Who you are is enough. Fault lines and all. You're beautiful. And when those fault lines shift and shake your world and mine, I'm still going to love you. I'm still going to want what's best for you."

The most commonly known scripture is 1 Corinthians 13:3-7. People love it because people love love and it's nice to have something to tell you what it's suppose to look like.

If you read this scripture, the very first characteristic used to describe love is patience.

We live in a world where not only do we want it, but we want it now. Hell, we get nervous and antsy when we send someone a text and they don't respond right away (especially in dating. Dear God. We are especially impatient when we are on the road looking for love.)

But love IS patient. Love IS setting our own time clock down and saying, " I'll wait for you. I'll wait for you as you work at your own pace. And if you get ahead of me I hope you love me enough to not rush me. I hope you can give me the time I need."

Reducing yourself to love is not easy, especially when the first thing love gives is patience in a world where patience is a dying breed. 

What all this has told me lately is that in order to love people the way you want to love them, you have to let go of your own time clock. You have to let go of that ticking inside of you so that you can love that person or yourself with patience. You can't expect everyone to see things in the timing you see them and you're only hurting yourself and your relationship with that person if you are not willing to be patient with them and allow them to figure things out in their timing. It's not our job to get people on our time clock. It's our job to love and respect their timing and know that you deserve the same in return.

I oddly have to use this same kind of love with myself. I don't like to be behind, I either want to be caught up with everyone or ahead. I'm having to learn this same level of patience with myself. I'm hoping with starting the practice with myself, it will some how manifest itself into my relationships with other people.

It's so hard to be that patient person, though. I hope I'm not alone in this when I say being a patient person feels near impossible. Especially when it's easy to speak of patience and hard to act on it. Patience has become an adjective when it really needs to be a verb. 

I believe patience is the first characteristic mentioned when describing love because it's the most important. It's the first thing we have to bite into and commit to, whether we are choosing to love ourselves or other people.

Love is the answer for me and I believe it will win in the end. I can't stop believing it will win in the end.