Remembering.

I remember this time last year. I remember it all too well.

I remember sitting alone in my room, laptop in hand, having to write the hardest email I have ever written.

I remember the way the keys felt beneath my fingers. I remember the warmth of my laptop. But what I remember the most is the peace and confirmation that came as I wrote. Even though this was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do, everything in me told me it was right. Everything in me pushed me to keep typing the letters. I felt relief fill my tired muscles as each syllable found it's way onto my computer screen.

I was having to tell someone that I was letting go, I was walking away. This wasn't something I normally do. I have always boasted about my ability to stay in touch with people, about my ability to maintain relationships with people. This was outside my norm. I have never been one to tell someone, "I can no longer be apart of your life." I wasn't letting them go because of anything they had done. Truth be told I had known for a while. I had known it was time to walk away because I needed to grow and I couldn't with them in my life. As much as I loved them with every ounce of who I am, I knew I was made to grow and I couldn't if they stayed.

That's the thing about growing. You can't always grow while clinging onto someone. You can't grow to your full potential if you are alway holding back for someone else, always trying to be the one to support them. Always being the one to help push them back up to the surface when they need air.

I wrote someone a letter one time. It's a letter I never sent to them for they decided to let me go, for they too knew that sometimes, no matter how wonderful the person is, you can't grow the way you need to with them. I wrote it because I felt I had held them back. I felt that I had and would have been a hinderance to their growth if they stayed. I'm so sensitive to hurting people that I'll not only apologize for things I did, but for things I could have done as well. That's what I did in this letter. I apologized for what could have happened if they stayed. I apologized because I wanted them to stay at the time, not realizing the consequences they would have had to suffer if they did. I wrote, "I was puking up emotions, grasping for something to hold onto, and you didn’t need to be that person to hold me up. You didn’t need to be the person who was cleaning up my emotional vomit and if you had stuck around that’s exactly what you would have done, because even though I didn’t spend much time with you, I already could see that you would be the guy to clean up my emotional mess if you were put in that kind of position. You know what though? You were not created to be someone’s janitor, cleaning up after a mess they’ve made." 

I'm not ashamed to admit when I'm right and I truly believe I was right when I said, "You were not created to be someone's janitor." Because you weren't. You weren't created to just clean up others people's messes and other people were not created to clean up yours.

Hannah Brencher posted a quote onto Instagram yesterday that has been spinning through my mind since. It said, "Clinging is just shrinking wearing more makeup. It's not your job to determine what parts of your identity you wanted to wear like a mask forever. It's not your job to try and control who stays. It's sad and hopeful all at the same time: some things are only going to become the beautiful they were meant to be when we give ourselves the permission to let them go for good."

I think about this person I wrote the unsent letter to and I can't help but hope and pray they are becoming the beautiful they were meant to be. I pray that by letting go, they have been able to grow and find ways to let go of the hard things they need to let go of.

The email I wrote and sent, well I receiving an email back. I remember reading the words and feeling all the hurt they carried. I remembered crying because I never wanted to hurt them, that was what kept me from letting go in the first place. I never wanted anyone to get hurt.

 I remember calling people who cared about me in tears because even though I had peace while writing the email, the reality and pain that came with the truth was hard to deal with alone. 

I was reminded of this email that I wrote over a year ago tonight. I was reminded of the pain and heartbreak that came with the truth. Tonight, I happily sit in my bed, with my laptop in my lap and drink in the joy of taking the hard road. I drink in the power truth really has and the promise that comes with letting go, finally believing that it has the ability to change everything for the good. Sometimes letting go has to take place so that JOY can find a way to take root in your life and grow. 

There are aches and pain in letting certain people go but I can't help but believe that it does more good than harm.

Movement

I read a story the other day that started out with a quote from Albert Einstein that said, "The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe."

She then told her story of how she lived in a run down, unsafe apartment when she first moved to LA. How she lived with a bank account in the negatives for years with barely having enough food to eat but it ended up being worth it. She eventually worked her way out of this apartment. She pushed through the bad days and the feeling that what she was working for was never going to happen. She talked of a night when she had not a penny to her name and crumbs as food. On that night she read the quote from Albert Einstein and discussed how it changed her perspective of her situation. Instead of allowing the pits of which she was living in to consume her, she changed her perspective and allowed it to help her move forward.

As I read this story, I thought about how unsafe her life was at the time. She spoke of the neighborhood and how she would park her car blocks away from her apartment and run to her home, because she was afraid of what would happen to her car if she park it at the complex. I thought about how she had to adjust her life knowing the risk she was living in. It blew my mind that she even considers taking the risk. She literally risked her life and her sanity in hopes that she will one day do what she loves to do.

This quote and this story brought a whole new perspective to my day. I had had a day that was filled with worries and mistakes. Tears filled my eyes at one point because I could barely handle the knots that were tied in my stomach. I felt my shoulders rise as I realized I might have made a major mistake.

Then I read this quote and story. It made me realize that apart of this journey is going through the dark ally of fear, willingly walking into the unknown knowing we could be hurt or damaged. It's about believing that their is a goodness out there greater than those dark allies, the mistakes we make, the pits we find ourselves in. 

Goodness is alway bigger than the bad. Goodness will eventually win.

It made me realize that if we want to live a life of safety, we have to kiss our dreams goodbye. We have to be willing to be miserably complacent in exchange of knowing we will never be hurt. To live a life full of dreams and joy means you have to live in the worn down apartment. It means you have to cry when everything is falling apart, for in those moments we ultimately have a choice whether to believe those moments define our lives or they are just dark shadows passing in a world full of beautiful light. 

Bad days will come no matter what but ultimately we have to decide if we want to take the risk of unsafe bad days in order to keep moving forward or be content in the safe bad days of never moving and never growing.

In a world where we can have whatever we want with just a few swift movement of fingers on a key board, it's easy to believe dreams can be accomplished in the same way. It's easy to fall into the trap of complacency and build a home there. 

One thing I love about my career choice is that I get to hear people's stories. I get to hear the ups and the downs of people's lives. I love hearing about people's lives and what they have encountered. The stories I find most fascinating are the ones where people took risks. They decided something for themselves then they just started walking in that direction, not always knowing where they are going or if they are taking the right steps. They just start moving. 

And THAT has been the common denominator. MOVEMENT.

You have to move. You have to be willing to make mistakes. Without those risk, you will find yourself in a miserably complacent life. And out of all things I believe, I DO NOT believe we were made for a miserably complacent life. I believe we were made to accomplish dreams. I believe we were all put here to continue moving and continue growing. The hardest part most of the time is to just. start. moving.    

We Will Win.

Trust.

A reoccurring theme in my life.

To trust that my heart is loved and cherished by the very being that created every miraculous thing on this planet.

To trust that my mistakes are only pot holes on the road and that the bigger mistake would be to go looking for a smoother, easier path.

To trust that my life was not intended to look like others and that's what makes it so magical.

To trust that living in the question is just as exciting (if not more exciting) as living in the answer.

Trust is a constant fight. It's a fight that you choose to tackle everyday. It can be exhausting. It can tear you and break you but I have to believe that it's the best fight you will ever be in. I have to believe that when we finally fight our demons, trust will show us it was worth it. It will show us that all the battles were worth it. It will show us that even when we were losing, we were made to win.

It might be a fight, but it's a fight we were made to win.

WE WILL WIN.