Stay True.

I'm compliant by nature.

I like to make people happy. I will do things that I wouldn't necessarily do if it were just me and that was a choice placed before me. I do it because I really, really love seeing people happy. When you're empathetic, you can feel other peoples emotions so it's only natural to want to be around people who are happy. If they're happy, you feel their happiness and you, too, feel happy.

Yet, there's a trap that comes with a compliant nature. It's easy to turn that compliancy into self sacrifice. You begin to sacrifice your own needs and desires in order to make others happy. You find your self laying down, becoming a door mat for others so that you can feel their happiness.

The trap is laid and you find yourself creating a life dependent on creating an environment that makes other people happy so that you feel happy.

You lose your sense of self and you forget what it's like to make yourself happy independently of others.

A little over 2 years ago my current roommate gave me this key chain pictured above. At that time, I had found myself in the deep dark trap, not really knowing who I was or what made me happy anymore. She gave this key chain to me and I put my work keys onto it.

STAY TRUE.

Two words that follow me in my day to day work life. A constant reminder that has stayed with me, helping me to remember that it's okay to stand up for myself. It's okay to express my needs, wants, desires, and thoughts.

Over the past few years I have had the opportunity to rediscover who I am. To find what brings laughter to my belly, what brings the biggest tears in my eyes, what makes me feel all my own feels. It has been a process that will never stop. I constantly have to remind myself to pull myself back from people. To sit alone with myself and be aware of what I feel.

Staying true isn't that easy if you are a recovering people pleaser. There are times when you come to realize that what others need from you, you can't give. You realize that compliancy is not a healthy option for you. So you find yourself having to do the hardest thing in the world and that's speaking your truth. That means fighting all the knots in your stomach that lie to you, telling you that being compliant is easier than being honest. It means being vulnerable when all you really want to do is lay down and be a mat. Because getting hurt is easier sometimes than speaking your truth.

As the knots in your stomach grow tighter and your chest begins to hurt, you realize you can't hold the truth in any longer. Then, with a little help from whiskey, Jesus, and a slight push from a friend, the truth comes out. The knots are gone, you can breathe again. Though you might not always get what you want from the truth, the peace that comes with the truth is immeasurable.

For the truth was never meant to stay hidden. It was never meant to be put into a closet and to only fall out when it's over flowing with all the other truths you never wanted to embrace. It was always meant to live on the surface, no matter how uncomfortable it might be at times.

Your true self will ALWAYS come out. So you embrace it for what it is and you take a little advice from Cheryl Strayed book Tiny Beautiful Things:

"Do the work. Keep the faith. Be true blue."

Do Not Get Into A Fist Fight With Change.

I'm a fighter, always have been. I fight for the weak. I fight for my voice. I fight for my relationships.

I said a simple prayer as a kid. It's amazing how when you're young, you oddly request the very things that the adult version of yourself would never ask for. I do not know how old I was exactly, but I remember asking God at a very young age to help me do what is best, whether that be for me or for someone else. I asked that I would eventually do what is right, even if that meant I was kicking and screaming along the way. 

Kicking and screaming. There has been so much of that from me over the years. 

I kicked and screamed (metaphorically) with God over a relationship I had with a family. I told him over and over again that they were good for me, that they brought a part of myself out that I loved. I told him I needed them in my life. The whole time I was involved with this family, I knew, deep down, that it wasn't meant to last forever. I fought so hard to make them apart of my life and to never let go.

Then one day, the truth emerged itself to the surface (like it always does) and I knew I couldn't fight it any longer. I finally put up my hands, faced the truth for what it was, and knew it was time to walk away. I wrote a letter, that to this day is still the hardest letter I have ever written, and told people I loved that I could no longer be in their lives. I didn't shed one tear while writing that letter. I had a peace beyond understanding fall onto me that helped me let go. Tears came later as I grieved that loss of a friendship and they came for months but through the whole grieving process, I knew it was what I had to do. There was no question to it.

Ever since then, I've had more changes take place in my life. Sometimes I have fought through the whole process and sometimes I laid back and just let it happen.

Despite all our best efforts, change is going to come, whether we want it to or not. People change. We change. Our circumstances change. To fight change it pointless. Yet, being the optimist that I am, I have come to look for the good that comes with change. The more I go looking for the good, the more I find it and the more likely I am to let change happen.

I have come to learn that change is not the enemy. In fact, most change happens for a good reason. We can easily become stagnant or unmotivated with the lack of change. We have the potential to become a better version of ourselves if we allow change in. When we stop fighting change, you just might find yourself waking up, living a life that is better than you had ever tried to make happen for yourself.

I think back and wonder how different my life would be if I had not fought with change so hard. What if I had allowed it to do what it was going to do all along? I think about the energy that went into the fighting, what could I have used that energy for if I hadn't used it on something that had an expiration date to it?

More changes have found there way to me recently. Except this time, I'm not fighting the changes. I decided that trying to control something, that is going to find its way into existence eventually, is pointless. There is no point in trying to stop something or make something happen before it's suppose to.

I had a dream, not too long ago, where I had a conversation with someone. This person in my dream told me, "What you so strongly desire is on it's way." Maybe it is prophetic, maybe it's my subconscious messing with me, either way it made me realize this: Our future IS on it's way. Maybe it's coming by horse and carriage from the other side of the world. Maybe it's on an over night flight and it will be at our door step the next morning. Whatever it is and however it's coming to us, it's coming as fast as it can and it's coming in its timing. With it comes change. If we want certain desires and dreams to be fulfilled, we have to find a way to accept changes along with it.

Change has a way of making us feel uncomfortable. It can bring out the 'fight or flight' in us. But maybe we need to learn to sit with change. Maybe we need to become comfortable with the discomfort. Change is going to happen, whether we want it to or not. It's just a matter of how we choose to cope with it when it comes. 

Surrender (6 months later)

At the beginning of the year I decided to try something new. Most people set new year resolutions, creating a list of things they hope to change through out the year. I've never been good at setting new year resolutions. I can never really think about what I want for the year so I either set something small like, "save money to buy a record player" or just not set one at all.

This year I had been reading a few peoples blogs and had come to find a new idea. Instead of making a new years resolutions I chose a word for the year. I would takes this word and learn how to apply it through out the year. I wrote about my word Surrender at the beginning of the year.

So here I am, almost 6 months from the time I found my word. Unlike other resolutions that tend to fade out a month or two into the year, this word has clung to my side. As much as I would like for it to have been a "fizzle out" type things it has yet to leave me.

I was told a long time ago that you should never ask God for patience because in order to answer that prayer he will bring you more opportunities to be patient, which usually results in multiple situations where you become impatient.

I've had a very similar situation with asking God to help me surrender. When asking for something like this, you really just want God to fill you up with the ability to surrender so that when situations come up you can easily coast through the situation taking your portion of surrender and passing it on without any aches or pains in the process. But it is not that simple and it isn't that pretty.

Little did I know that learning to surrender is actually learning to give up control and to give up control means you live in a constant state of discomfort. Change, no matter how wonderful or bad it is comes at a cost. Anxiety and discomfort become closer acquaintances than you ever wanted them to be. Yet change cannot happen without discomfort, without pain.

I started taking BarreOne classes in January. It is basically yoga, pilates, and ballet collided into one. After taking the first class I could barely move for the next three days. My whole body ached. I would wake up sore after every class for weeks. I thought to myself at one point, "I can't wait to get to the point where push ups don't hurt." Well guess what, I'm 6 months in to taking Barre classes and PUSH UPS STILL HURT. They still hurt even though I take a class anywhere from 2-4 times a week.

Push ups hurt, planks hurt, burpees ARE THE WORST.

Despite the discomfort and struggle I still have in every class I have started noticing how my body is changing. I don't get tired as easily any more. It takes more strenuous activities to get my heart rate up. When I'm not dying in class, I'm able to go through my day feeling much happier as a person.

Just like it takes pain and discomfort in exorcising to change your body, the same goes for us emotionally. If we want to change, if we want to give up control, we have to embrace the discomfort that comes along with it.

The greatest discomfort I have experienced in the process is realizing that there are some situations I have no control over. As I had mentioned in the initial blog about surrender, I am a doer and a helper. I've also learned that I am a fixer. I love to help people and fix things for people and what I am having to learn is that there are things that I can't fix. There are problems or unanswered questions that I can't be a part of. In fact, I have learned how much damage I can do when I over step my boundaries and try to fix something that isn't mine to fix. I've never been the type to want to create damage, I always wanted to prevent it from happening.

With surrender comes learning how to not be a fixer for everyone. How not to be a doer for everyone. I can't solve every problem I am faced with. I can't always get the answers I want.

This word has been so good for me. It has challenged me to my very core as a person. It has reminded me that I am not made to be everything to everyone. I'm not responsible to always be the peace maker. I can't help everyone that I come in contact with. And the hardest truth that comes with chewing and accepting those facts is this: IT'S OKAY NOT TO BE EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE. YOU ARE STILL GOOD EVEN WHEN YOU DO NOT HELP EVERYONE OR FIX THINGS FOR SOMEONE.

I'm not going to lie. Surrendering is a beast of a word to tackle but I'm hoping it will make me a stronger and more loving person in the end. Because that is what I truly want. I want to love people to the fullest and control cannot be mixed with love.

Live. Forgive. Wait. Love.

I want you to be happy. I hope you know this.

I hope when you wake up tomorrow morning you find an uncontrollable smile come across your face.

I hope you find ways to let fear dance through your bones. I hope you find yourself dancing because fear has engulfed you so much you can't help but move. Sometimes fear is change in disguise and sometimes we really need to change.

I hope you find the courage to go into the deepest, darkest corner of your heart and find tears. Let the tears fall to grieve the hurt and pain you find. Grieve, love, you'll feel so much better after. Then once the last tear has fallen, I hope you will sit in your dark corner. I hope you will come to find that your darkest corner does not define you. Embrace it. Accept it. Then go back into the light, never forgetting the darkness.

Truth has a way of knocking us to our knees. It can break us in all the way we never wanted it to. Break anyways. Sometime we have to become broken in order to become whole.

We need freedom, you and I. It is knocking at our door, begging to come in. But with freedom comes surrender. We have to surrender in order to be free. We have to break the chains that have weighed so heavy, I know it feels different being light but different isn't always a bad thing.

Let people invite you in. We can't force people to listen to us. We can't force people to want to spend time with us. Wait. Wait for your invitation, you'll never regret the wait.

Control is only a delusion. We are not in control. We never have and never will be. If you want to love people, truly love them, then you'll find a way to put control in your back pocket and leave it there for good.

Life doesn't always make sense. Sometimes we never get the clear answer we always wanted. Yet, we can still find reasons to smile everyday. If I have learned anything in this life so far it's that good always can be found. Even in the middle of a storm, good can be found.

So no matter how hard life gets. No matter how much your chest and brain want to explode from all the unanswered questions, I hope you find a way to remind yourself that you are in good hands.

Someone loves you for your good and your bad. Someone wants to spend time with you. Someone see's you and wouldn't change a thing about you. Open your eyes, calm your anxiety, they can make us blind and unable to see these types of people standing in front of us.

Most of all, I hope you always find the courage to forgive, no matter how big the hurt, find a way to forgive. Time is shorter than we have ever imagined. Live. Forgive. Wait. Love. Good will come.

Not So Bad Weekend

This past weekend was the best weekend for me. Work has been draining me through out the week so I decided that I would spend the weekend secluded from the world as a way to recharge. It truly was wonderful. I don't know if I'm becoming more of an introvert or if it's because I'm so empathetic, but I have found lately that I have to retreat from people to recharge. It's a new concept for me since for the majority of my life I've always been energized by people, not drained.

As I withdrew myself from the world, I only emerged from time to time. I went to a Barre One class and ran in the park later in the evening. The only interactions I had with people was surface level. It was refreshing and reenergizing.

By Sunday I already felt 10 times better. I ventured out to the the market where I had a few interactions and continued my day cleaning and running errands. It felt great. I felt accomplished and found myself living in the moment being thankful for such a wonderful weekend.

As I drove to a Barre One class Sunday (which is literally 7 minutes from my house) I had a bad feeling hit the pit of my stomach. No joke, less than a minute later my low pressure light came on my car. "Not again!" I thought. I've had my car 7 months and in those 7 months I've already had to patch a tire from running over a nail in the road. Not once, but twice. I found a parking spot fast, which ended up being a good thing because as soon as I got out of my car I could hear the air coming out of my tire. What looked to be a razor blade had struck my passenger side front tire. The tire was completely deflated within 5 minutes.

It's funny how it doesn't phase me any more. I immediately called my step dad and he came and helped put my spare on. As he put the spare on I called a coworker of mine to see if he could order me a tire and put it in during school tomorrow (thank GOD for an auto mechanic program at the school I work at and a teacher who is ALWAYS willing to help).

I went home, signed up for AAA (because after having 3 flats in less than 6 months you come to accept the fact that you will find all sharp objects in the road and you'd rather be safe than sorry).

Despite a little down in my day and the thought that I would be buying a new tire this week, I still felt my weekend was good.

Came home, built a fire in our fire pit and sat outside enjoying the weather when I get a notification on my phone that there has been a $70 dollar charge made to my credit card.

It wasn't my charge to "Active Universal" so I immediately called my credit card company. They filed it as a fraud charge, canceled my card and are sending me a new one. They took care of everything in less than 10 minutes.

At this point I could have called my evening a "bad evening". I could have even called it a bad day. I mean, two things that were completely out of my control happened, I had the right to have a pity party, right?

But I didn't. I didn't lower my head in sadness. I chose not to dwell on the two mishaps that took place within just a few hours. Instead, I found myself feeling thankful. I felt thankful that my step dad didn't think twice about coming and helping me change my tire. I felt thankful that even if he had been out of town I could have called my brother and he would have done the same thing for me. I felt thankful that I knew someone who would be willing to help me get a new tire the very next day. I felt thankful that the credit card company was able to cancel my card in just minutes and take care of the situation for me.

I was not heart broken. I was not bitter. I was thankful.

It made me realize that mishaps are going to happen. We don't know how often and they are never predictable. So what's the point in getting all worked up over things that are out of your control? What's the point of feeling sorry for yourself. What's the point in thinking that life should treat you better than it treats other people. We're all in this hardship together having uncontrollable moments erupting our lives.

Truthfully, the two mishaps were small mishaps. Nothing life changing, nothing that couldn't be fixed with a little time. But I hope I can take this attitude and apply it to other misfortunate moments. I hope that I can turn those moments around more often and look at the good I have in the difficult moments. I have so much support from people who care about me. I have yet to go through a moment of misfortune and not have someone to turn to.

Maybe that's the purpose of those moments. Maybe they happen to remind us that we're not alone. Maybe they happen to remind us to be there for other in their misfortune to remind them too that they are not alone.

Life is unpredictable. Mishaps and unpredictable moments are a guarantee in this life. Instead of allowing them to crush us down, why not find a way to use those moments to lift us and others up? Why not start with having a better attitude with the little moments. Maybe, just maybe, the habit will flow into the bigger moments as well.

Confessions of an Optimist

I'm always believing the best in people.

I'm always looking for the good because I believe it is buried beneath all the rubble and scars this life throws onto us.

I guess you can say this makes me an optimist.

I wouldn't argue with this label. I would prefer to believe the best in another person rather than to think other wise. Maybe it's how I'm wired. Maybe believing the best is the fuel to the fire in my chest. I would feel a bit empty and a little lost without my optimism. If the good in this life were to be swept out of my vision, I would have a hard time finding things to be happy about. I would constantly struggle to find purpose and meaning in life if I didn't focus on the good.

Life as an optimist isn't always roses and sunsets, though. I believe optimist have the ability to find the beauty in the storm. We can walk through the broken home of someone's life and still find meaning and purpose. Then the facts of life are thrown into your face and you're forced to believe the cold hard truth that not everyone chooses to give life to the good in their chest.

There are days when the reality of how cruel and hard this world can be. It hits you like a ton of bricks and you can feel yourself begin to suffocate. You become paralyzed because your sweet little mind, that is always choosing to want the best for others, is having to comprehend that not everyone wants the same goodness you wish upon them. You are faced with the harsh reality that people are people (including you) and we make choices that hurt others at times.

Thats the hard thing about being optimistic. Every optimist has their day when they begin to question their belief in the good of others. You find yourself wondering if this "good" you so strongly believe in really exist. You feel the fire in your chest slowly begin to die and you begin to struggle to find any remnant of good to throw in to bring life back into the flame.

I was talking to someone who works as a therapist one time and we began to talk about how we are optimist. She said, "We truly wouldn't be able to do what we do if we weren't optimist. Isn't it a necessity for us to do what we do successfully?"

Yes. Yes it is. What kind of therapist or counselor would one be if someone walked into their office and we didn't believe they were capable of good. How can you work to help people if you don't believe, in the deepest part of your chest, that people are capable of change and capable of choosing the best for themselves.

I dated a guy on and off for years. It later became apparent to me that the reason he would always show back up in my life was strictly because I was optimistic. He knew I saw the good in others (and him) and he sadly took advantage. Being optimistic (and potentially intentionally ignorant to his motives) I had a hard time accepting the fact that he intentionally took advantage of who I am. I saw a therapist for a while to help me deal with his deception and some other issues of my own. The one thing she said to me, and I swear that it's the very thing that healed me was: "Emily, you did what you did for him because that's who you are, not because he deserved it."

I'm almost positive we never spoke of that relationship again after she told me that simple statement. Because here is the reality; People who believe (and continue to choose to believe) in the best of another person is not responsible if that person decides to take advantage of their kindness. Optimist are ultimately kind and nice people. We will go out of our way for others which makes us susceptible to being taken advantage of. People easily learn that we are kind and therefore learn that they can take and not always give back.

So it's extremely important for an optimist to set boundaries. You can still do good for others while taking the necessary steps to ensure that you're not being hurt through your kindness. Setting boundaries is still a struggle area of mine, but slowly I'm learning how to do it.

Another thing about being an optimist is that we tend to take people at their word. WHEN I SAY WE TAKE YOU AT YOUR WORD, I LITERALLY MEAN EVERY SINGLE WORD YOU SAY. There is an old Dane Cook joke where he talks about how he can't date a girl who exaggerates. He says, "I can't listen to your stories when you exaggerate. When you tell me a story, I really listen. I LISTEN.... And I don't just listen.... I LISTEN." This perfectly explains most optimist when you are talking to them. They hear every word you say and fire up their optimistic belief that what you are saying, you really mean.

As I begin to build close relationships with people one of the things I've learn to tell them is that with me, you have to tell me the blunt truth. Don't beat around the bush. Don't be nice about it. Lay it straight, because if you don't I'm going to think the best of the situation and not get the harsh truth you're trying to tell me.

Being an optimist makes facing harsh realities difficult but I have to admit that I enjoy believing in the best, even when the best is hard to find. I enjoy cheering for the good of people even when they're not cheering for me. Even people who have taken advantage of my kindness, I still want what's best for them. Because deep down, I choose to live each day with grace and mercy. I choose to be in YOUR corner, cheering for YOUR good, even if you never speak to me, even if I never cross your mind. I'm still here. Wanting the best for you. Not because it's what you deserve but because it's who I choose to be. I'll always choose to be on the side of good, even if I'm the only one you'll find there.

Fear.

I enjoy hearing stories about how I was as a child. It's interesting for me to hear how I was before I cared what others thought about me. One story that my mom told me in passing at one time is how I was a afraid of dogs when I was little. They bought a dog when I was around 2 years old with the purpose of it helping me over come my fear. I find this very interesting because I'm absolutely obsessed with dogs now. The only reason I do not own one of my own at this moment in time is because I travel too much. Instead of having my own to feed my love, I love on everyone else's dog. Thankfully my roommate has a dog whom I'm madly in love with so I'm able to keep the puppy fever away.

It's fascinating to me when I recall this story of me being afraid of dogs at one point. It's a complete foreign concept that I would ever run from something that brings me so much joy, but that's what fear does. Fear drives us into the opposite direction. It keeps joy at arm distance away with the simple lie that joy will not be found on the other side.

I've come to learn that fear is just a gate keeper. It's the guardian to this unknown territory. It tells us stories of all the bad that could happen if we decide to cross over. It warns us of the mysteries that lie ahead. Though fear can have us trembling and running in the opposite direction, all it really is is a story teller. It stands at the gate with no weapon, no chains to keep us from crossing, just stories. Yet, we stand and listen. We listen and find that our knee's have buckled and we are paralyzed from the waist down. We begin to believe the stories, we begin to believe the lies. The lie that there is no way something good could be waiting for us on the other side.

I wrote a blog about a month ago called Surrender . I wrote about my goal to finally surrender my life and to trust in what's to come. I wish I could give you some poetic story about how I've zenned out and have basically been frolicking through fields of daisies every day, but I haven't. In fact, if you were every wondering what would happen when you decide to give up control be warned that there is a HIGH possibility that you will come to find out just how much of a control freak you really are. You find yourself coming into contact with EVERYTHING you have zero control of. You will find all the unanswered questions standing next to you at a concert and only be able to stand there knowing they will remain unanswered. You will find that your future will become even more blurred and you have to wait for time to reveal each step at a time. Your desires will intensify knowing that there is nothing you can do to satisfy them now.

This is when fear presents itself. Thoughts of the unknown come flooding into your head. You begin to become afraid that this season of your life will never end and find yourself entertaining the thought that God has forgotten about you. That he has forgotten all your prayers over the years. That his mercy has officially run out and your left to fend for yourself.

But these are just stories. Fear is only a story teller and I get to decide what I want to believe. I close my eyes and despite the voice of fear begging me not to cross to the other side, I think about the time I was afraid of dogs. I think about what life would be like if my parents had never bought a dog. I think about how different things would be and how I would miss out on the joy those sweet animals give me on a daily basis.

So I keep walking forward. I find ways to tune out the voice of fear and choose to believe that there is a great chance that the very thing I'm afraid of now is the very thing that will bring me joy later in life.

I get to choose who I want to be right now. I get that freedom and with it I choose to always want good for others, even if the questions will always remain unknown. I will always choose to be in their corner cheering for their good. I choose to trust that the future is a mix of good and bad and despite how hard it is to just focus on one or the other, I choose to look at the whole picture. I choose to cherish my desires and know that the ones that were meant to bring me good will eventually be fed and the ones that will only cause me harm will eventually die from starvation.

I have good days and I have bad days. Some days are easier that others but what I'm coming to find is that the day after my weakest day, I find new strength. I'm able to handle hard days better. I'm able to fight off fear a bit longer than I was able to before.

Daily, I have to remind myself that control is just an illusion. I was never in control in the first place. Daily, I have to find all the good words and promises to keep my head above water.

The truth is that I will never truly overcome fear or the desire of control in this life. It will always be a battle for me, yet I keep fighting because with each little victory I find myself feeling free.

Oh, I love feeling free.