Fear.

I enjoy hearing stories about how I was as a child. It's interesting for me to hear how I was before I cared what others thought about me. One story that my mom told me in passing at one time is how I was a afraid of dogs when I was little. They bought a dog when I was around 2 years old with the purpose of it helping me over come my fear. I find this very interesting because I'm absolutely obsessed with dogs now. The only reason I do not own one of my own at this moment in time is because I travel too much. Instead of having my own to feed my love, I love on everyone else's dog. Thankfully my roommate has a dog whom I'm madly in love with so I'm able to keep the puppy fever away.

It's fascinating to me when I recall this story of me being afraid of dogs at one point. It's a complete foreign concept that I would ever run from something that brings me so much joy, but that's what fear does. Fear drives us into the opposite direction. It keeps joy at arm distance away with the simple lie that joy will not be found on the other side.

I've come to learn that fear is just a gate keeper. It's the guardian to this unknown territory. It tells us stories of all the bad that could happen if we decide to cross over. It warns us of the mysteries that lie ahead. Though fear can have us trembling and running in the opposite direction, all it really is is a story teller. It stands at the gate with no weapon, no chains to keep us from crossing, just stories. Yet, we stand and listen. We listen and find that our knee's have buckled and we are paralyzed from the waist down. We begin to believe the stories, we begin to believe the lies. The lie that there is no way something good could be waiting for us on the other side.

I wrote a blog about a month ago called Surrender . I wrote about my goal to finally surrender my life and to trust in what's to come. I wish I could give you some poetic story about how I've zenned out and have basically been frolicking through fields of daisies every day, but I haven't. In fact, if you were every wondering what would happen when you decide to give up control be warned that there is a HIGH possibility that you will come to find out just how much of a control freak you really are. You find yourself coming into contact with EVERYTHING you have zero control of. You will find all the unanswered questions standing next to you at a concert and only be able to stand there knowing they will remain unanswered. You will find that your future will become even more blurred and you have to wait for time to reveal each step at a time. Your desires will intensify knowing that there is nothing you can do to satisfy them now.

This is when fear presents itself. Thoughts of the unknown come flooding into your head. You begin to become afraid that this season of your life will never end and find yourself entertaining the thought that God has forgotten about you. That he has forgotten all your prayers over the years. That his mercy has officially run out and your left to fend for yourself.

But these are just stories. Fear is only a story teller and I get to decide what I want to believe. I close my eyes and despite the voice of fear begging me not to cross to the other side, I think about the time I was afraid of dogs. I think about what life would be like if my parents had never bought a dog. I think about how different things would be and how I would miss out on the joy those sweet animals give me on a daily basis.

So I keep walking forward. I find ways to tune out the voice of fear and choose to believe that there is a great chance that the very thing I'm afraid of now is the very thing that will bring me joy later in life.

I get to choose who I want to be right now. I get that freedom and with it I choose to always want good for others, even if the questions will always remain unknown. I will always choose to be in their corner cheering for their good. I choose to trust that the future is a mix of good and bad and despite how hard it is to just focus on one or the other, I choose to look at the whole picture. I choose to cherish my desires and know that the ones that were meant to bring me good will eventually be fed and the ones that will only cause me harm will eventually die from starvation.

I have good days and I have bad days. Some days are easier that others but what I'm coming to find is that the day after my weakest day, I find new strength. I'm able to handle hard days better. I'm able to fight off fear a bit longer than I was able to before.

Daily, I have to remind myself that control is just an illusion. I was never in control in the first place. Daily, I have to find all the good words and promises to keep my head above water.

The truth is that I will never truly overcome fear or the desire of control in this life. It will always be a battle for me, yet I keep fighting because with each little victory I find myself feeling free.

Oh, I love feeling free.