It has become pretty predictable.
I know when loneliness is going to creep in. It's late at night, when both the internet and phone have become silent. It's early in the morning when you have no where to be. It's after hours of time alone and you have reenergized, ready to take on the world and there is no one around.
Loneliness has become a predictable element in my life. It always finds a way to attach to my heart for a short period of time, making my mind run in circles.
When loneliness hits it brings an aching into your soul that burns like nothing else. It has this habit of reminding you what you really want, what you really desire. The problem with the way loneliness makes you feel is that it gives you a false deception that it is can be cured easily. It whispers an answer that seems so simple, it whispers an antidote saying, "You will be happy. I promise you. You'll be happy and never hear from me again."
I haven't been on a date in a over a year and a half. I've had a few offers over the past year but decided that it was time for me to take a break from the whole dating scene. I had come to realize that I was in it for all the wrong reasons and I needed to take sometime to pull myself together. I thought I would only need about 6 months, but 6 months turned into a year and a year has turned into a year and 6 months. Truth is, I don't know if I'll ever fully 'emerge' myself back in. You won't find me on dating websites or apps. You won't find me out at the bars most nights trying to see if someone would notice me.
I asked God a very simple question not too long ago. I asked him, "Is marriage something you really have in store for me in the future? Or do I need to grieve that dream and let it go? I just want to accept whatever the truth is." God is not always one to answer me immediately but this time he did. I remember very instantly and almost audibly him saying, "Yes, marriage is something I have in store for you."
If that's not crazy enough for you, it gets even better. He has very distinctly put into my heart to not look for it. I'm not suppose to be out trying to make something work with someone. He has told me that he will bring it to me, I don't have to look, I don't have to manipulate, I don't have to go on playing the game. He'll bring it. Whoever it is that is meant to dive into that journey with me will not be able to shake me, they will not be able to run. Because God knows that I've never been the type to need multiple arms wrapped around me. He know's I've never wanted my heart falling for each guy who says my name just right. I've always wanted just one. That is all.
Despite knowing these things, loneliness has tried to sing a different tune to me. It's ache and moan can easily distract this faithful and trusting heart but there is one desire, one truth that has helped to defer it's tactful ways. The one truth that has helped me through the loneliest of moments is the truth that one day, I want to look into someone's eyes and tell them that I WANT them in my life, I don't NEED them.
Needing and wanting are different characters with two different agenda's. Working in a field with needy people has made me realize the difference between needing and wanting. To NEED someone is draining. It takes so much energy from a person. When you NEED someone, you are taking from them. Causing them to be drained constantly. But to WANT someone. Well, that's saying you choose to be there. You know how to be full and complete even if that person walks away. Doesn't mean you won't be sad, just means you will still survive. You can still live a full life.
Here's another thing I have learned about loneliness, it cannot be cured through another person. I sadly have heard too many stories of marriages and relationships where a person had someone yet was still utterly alone.
Loneliness will always try and offer you a cure, but the truth is that the only cure is to find happiness in the midst of loneliness. To find the strength and joy that exist outside of another person orbit. It's knowing that loneliness will always be a companion in your life. It will always find it's way to you, yet you can still not need anyone. You can still stand on your own two feet and hold your head high and know you're good. You. Are. Okay.
