At the beginning of the year I decided to try something new. Most people set new year resolutions, creating a list of things they hope to change through out the year. I've never been good at setting new year resolutions. I can never really think about what I want for the year so I either set something small like, "save money to buy a record player" or just not set one at all.
This year I had been reading a few peoples blogs and had come to find a new idea. Instead of making a new years resolutions I chose a word for the year. I would takes this word and learn how to apply it through out the year. I wrote about my word Surrender at the beginning of the year.
So here I am, almost 6 months from the time I found my word. Unlike other resolutions that tend to fade out a month or two into the year, this word has clung to my side. As much as I would like for it to have been a "fizzle out" type things it has yet to leave me.
I was told a long time ago that you should never ask God for patience because in order to answer that prayer he will bring you more opportunities to be patient, which usually results in multiple situations where you become impatient.
I've had a very similar situation with asking God to help me surrender. When asking for something like this, you really just want God to fill you up with the ability to surrender so that when situations come up you can easily coast through the situation taking your portion of surrender and passing it on without any aches or pains in the process. But it is not that simple and it isn't that pretty.
Little did I know that learning to surrender is actually learning to give up control and to give up control means you live in a constant state of discomfort. Change, no matter how wonderful or bad it is comes at a cost. Anxiety and discomfort become closer acquaintances than you ever wanted them to be. Yet change cannot happen without discomfort, without pain.
I started taking BarreOne classes in January. It is basically yoga, pilates, and ballet collided into one. After taking the first class I could barely move for the next three days. My whole body ached. I would wake up sore after every class for weeks. I thought to myself at one point, "I can't wait to get to the point where push ups don't hurt." Well guess what, I'm 6 months in to taking Barre classes and PUSH UPS STILL HURT. They still hurt even though I take a class anywhere from 2-4 times a week.
Push ups hurt, planks hurt, burpees ARE THE WORST.
Despite the discomfort and struggle I still have in every class I have started noticing how my body is changing. I don't get tired as easily any more. It takes more strenuous activities to get my heart rate up. When I'm not dying in class, I'm able to go through my day feeling much happier as a person.
Just like it takes pain and discomfort in exorcising to change your body, the same goes for us emotionally. If we want to change, if we want to give up control, we have to embrace the discomfort that comes along with it.
The greatest discomfort I have experienced in the process is realizing that there are some situations I have no control over. As I had mentioned in the initial blog about surrender, I am a doer and a helper. I've also learned that I am a fixer. I love to help people and fix things for people and what I am having to learn is that there are things that I can't fix. There are problems or unanswered questions that I can't be a part of. In fact, I have learned how much damage I can do when I over step my boundaries and try to fix something that isn't mine to fix. I've never been the type to want to create damage, I always wanted to prevent it from happening.
With surrender comes learning how to not be a fixer for everyone. How not to be a doer for everyone. I can't solve every problem I am faced with. I can't always get the answers I want.
This word has been so good for me. It has challenged me to my very core as a person. It has reminded me that I am not made to be everything to everyone. I'm not responsible to always be the peace maker. I can't help everyone that I come in contact with. And the hardest truth that comes with chewing and accepting those facts is this: IT'S OKAY NOT TO BE EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE. YOU ARE STILL GOOD EVEN WHEN YOU DO NOT HELP EVERYONE OR FIX THINGS FOR SOMEONE.
I'm not going to lie. Surrendering is a beast of a word to tackle but I'm hoping it will make me a stronger and more loving person in the end. Because that is what I truly want. I want to love people to the fullest and control cannot be mixed with love.
