WINNER!

As I mentioned in my previous post, El Roi, I'm in the process of learning about the different names of God in order to learn more about his character. The name I'm studying is Redeemer. For those who don't know me well enough, I've grown up in church my whole life. I've been taught about scripture for as long as I can remember. I'm not sure about anyone else who has grown up in church, but the terminology used can become a habit. I know I tend to just say things without really thinking about the meaning. This is because I've used it for so long that I tend to not really think about what I'm saying. This happened for me for the name Redeemer. So I decided to go back to the basics, to research what the word "redeemer" means. According to Websters Dictionary, redeemer means: a person who redeems. So I then researched the word redeem, which means: 1a. to buy back; purchase b. to get or win back, 2. to free from what distresses or harms a. to free from captivity by payment of ransom b. to extricate from or help to overcome something detrimental.

So if God's name is redeemer, I've come up with his name meaning: a person who has rescued someone or something from harm or distress, he had to pay a price, for what he was seeking was not free and would require him giving something/ sacrificing something he had. Our Redeemer is what keeps us from being merely dirt. It's really cool to see him in this kind of light. It's like going to your old playground and being reminded of how much you love to be on swings! Even though you knew you loved swings, to actually be on the swing and be swinging you feel the excitement plus a little extra than from the time before. That's kinda how I feel as I go back and remind myself who God really is.

Thank you Jesus, thank you for giving so that I'm set free from eternal harm. Thank you!

El Roi

It's been a while since I've been able to write. The past few weeks have been pure chaos. I can't believe we're already over half way through March. I literally feel like I have blinked this month away. The funny thing is I remember looking at the calendar and seeing that this month had 31 day in it and thinking "Man, this is going to be a long month." Boy have I been proven wrong!

I want to give a little testimony from my previous blog, Can We Please Talk About This. I talked about how the Lord directed me to keep silent about an issue I was sensing. Despite how much I wanted to do the exact opposite of what he told me to do, I was obedient and didn't confront anything. Well I'm glad I did, because the person ended up coming and talking to me. It was really cool because I'm almost positive she didn't read that blog and the Lord told me to just pray for her instead of confronting. Turns out she was in need of those prayers I was lifting up for her. It's just so awesome when he shows you why he asked you to do something. I was so encouraged when she finally talked to me. It made my heart so happy! I'm so grateful for how God has provided such wonderful people in my life. I'm also very grateful that he allows them to stay in my life.

These past few weeks have flown by so quickly because they have come with many struggles. The Lord has held me through each passing struggle and I'm happy to say that I've made it out stronger! Now the Lord is allowing me to see more and more of myself. He's helping me see some mind sets that need to be changed and some actions that need to change. Most importantly, He's wanting me to really really really know Him. More specifically, he wants me to know him by his names. Yes, plural, nameS. I recently have read two separate books and each have mentioned the names of God. When I read about it in the second book, I was like, "Ok, I'm getting the hint that I need to know you by all your names." I've come to find that in my walk with Christ, I get caught up in only parts of him and neglect other parts. In one of the books I read it said, "God's names are a promise of who He is. We learn to trust Him as we come to know Him in the way He is described in the Bible, based on His character." Recently I came to realize that a person who has been in my life for many years not only didn't know some characteristics of me, but wasn't accepting of them either. I wasn't hurt by the fact that they weren't accepted as much as I was hurt by the fact that they didn't know these things. These were things that everyone else in my life figured out within a few months of knowing me, but after years of knowing me, this person made it very clear that they did not know about this characteristic of me. It really hurt. After going through this experience, I realized how important it is for me to know the characteristics of the God I serve. It's ok to know an acquaintance by whats on the surface level, but what makes a friendship or a relationship with someone is knowing more than what's on the surface. God revealed to me that I was only looking to parts of who he is and neglecting other characteristics that I NEED to know. Many of the insecurities I've been feeling are due to emptiness I have inside. God is showing me that I've been searching in all the wrong places and all the wrong ways to fill these empty holes, when all along, he's been here having the solution for these holes yet I haven't been diligent enough to discover more of him. Therefore, I've been living with empty holes that can only be filled by him and his character. 

I'm going to spend each week learning and know these characteristics of God. The first name that struck me and hit him with me is the name El Roi, meaning The God Who See's Me. Ironically enough (or not) I friend of mine posted a status today about this name that said, "{El-Roeh} God, the One who sees~ This name of God reveals God's beneficent omnipresence; a God who sees the needs of His people and cares enough to respond with help and deliverance. 

(see Genesis 16:8, 13). ~ NIV Archeological Study Bible// it's amazing that the creator of the universe sees me & sees you... He sees us & loves us, despite of us. Thank You, Lord for seeing me... Help me to see You more..To be more aware of You- Your direction, leading, peace, joy, & work."

It's so refreshing to know that he see's me! I can't tell you how much this means to me. It feels so good to know that he SEE'S me! ME! And he see's you too. I'm going to end on that note, because I just love dwelling in this truth, I hope you do too :-)

(P.S. I'll continue to write and share about the names of God as I study more and learn more about each one.)

Can we PLEASE just talk about this!

Disney World... Mid-terms.....Thinking..... and the list could continue with all that is going on in my life as of this very moment. But I'll start off with my trip to Disney World. I forgot how much fun this place was. I wish I could have spent more than 2 days in the park, I felt like I was having to rush through everything things so that I could see everything. Not to mention the fact that we woke up before 6am two mornings in a row for the 5k that some of us ran in and the half marathon my mom ran in. But it was all fun, I'm very grateful that I was given the opportunity to go. I really enjoyed running in the 5k, I ran the whole time (which was my only goal) and finished in about 40 minutes. I had been running a full 5k on the treadmill in 35 mins but due to the mass amount of people in the 5 k, I was slowed down a bit. 


So I have to give a special shout out to my brother in law. He and I were the only ones to ride the Hollywood Tower of Terror at Disney world (you know, the ride that has a 12 story drop). All the way up to the drop point I kept thinking, "Why on earth did I agree to do this!? What was I thinking?!" When the final big drop came my whole body began to shake but it was TOTALLY WORTH IT! I do not regret doing this ride at all, I would even go back and do it again. Needless to say, the trip was fun.


Midterms are this week and spring break is next week. You might ask, "What's your big plans for this spring break?" My plans are to complete an annotated bibliography, go to the middle school I'm completing my practicum at, and to prepare for 2 presentations for the week after spring break. I know, I know, I can get a little wild and crazy nowadays. 


So many knows this but I'm definitely a nerd when it comes to counseling stuff. I love learning about people and the stages they go through and getting a better understanding of why people do what they do. I'm taking Human Development right now and I LOVE IT! We're mostly focusing on Erik Erikson's Life Stages. The really cool thing about his stages is that as far back as I can remember, he's dead on about how we think and function at different times in out lives. The intro to psych class I'm doing my psych assistants in is going over these stages as well so I'm getting a double dose of everything. I have to admit, my heart just grows in happiness the more I learn about human development. Erik Erickson is pretty much dead on when it comes to the adolescent stage as well. Today the intro to psych professor was giving examples of things teens think, say, act, and do within these stages. I was blown away because I was like "Woah, I remember thinking that or doing that". I remember being in conflict with myself through this stage because I thought everything I was doing and thinking was wrong. I remember trying to change my way of thinking so that it would be more acceptable to the people around me. But now I've come to know that this way of thinking is essential to our development  and we all go through it. It really makes me even more excited to work with adolescents in school. Now that I have a better understanding of whats going on with them, I can not only encourage them and normalize what they are feeling and thinking, I can help parents to do the same. 


All this just makes me so grateful for where the Lord is leading me in my life. Yesterday I had something happened that reminded me of the calling the Lord has placed me in. I've known for a while what my calling is but I've been looking for people to know and accept this calling in my life instead of embracing it head on. I had a young teenage girl who has a really bad home life reach out to me yesterday. I've known this girl for a while and I randomly help her out every now and then, but yesterday it really hit me. I'm suppose to help young adolescent girls. I'm suppose to do things with them and interact with them, this is what the Lord has called me and gifted me to do. The Lord showed me that not everyone is going to accept this or understand this and he reminded me that we are not going to please everyone. This need to please others has really held me back. The Lord showed me yesterday that as long as I'm doing what he has called me and leads me to do, He will take care of the rest. He will reveal and give understanding to those who do not understand, I just need to trust him to do it and not try and fix the problem myself. Which leads to another issue I've had going on. I constantly feel the need to fix any hard feelings or problems. The Lord has given me the ability to know when things are not going well in someones life or if they have a problem with me. I struggle the most when I feel that someone is hurt or upset with me but won't talk to me about it. I can even sense the person is not consciously aware of the fact that they have an issue with me. It eats me alive because I just want to sit that person down and make them talk to me about the problem! I just want them to pour it all out and get every issue they have with me out so that I don't feel this sense of tension or sense thats somethings wrong. It really is pure torture for me to feel this way. But everyone is not like me and they don't always want to confront or deal with problems. So even if I confront people, I often get the "You're making this up" or I really don't want to talk about this look. You wanna know my biggest pet peeve....... NOT DEALING WITH ISSUES!!!!!! Especially if I'm apart of the issue. I can deal with the fact that you don't want to deal with personal problems, I can feel that way at times about certain things. But I CAN NOT handle when people have a problem with me and they won't confront me or talk to me about it. It doesn't make me mad, it frustrates me to no end because I can sense that theirs a problem and I want to deal with it if I sense it.


I say all this to say that the Lord is trying to teach me something with this. He knows I'll confront people about issues, He knows I'll deal with it, so he's not putting me through all this to see if I'll confront the problems. I've realized he's putting me through this to rely on him about the problems. In order for a problem to be resolved, both parties need to be willing to discuss the problem, their hearts have to be open to admit and discuss any issues. The Lord is teaching me to come to Him and allow him to deal and fix any hardship. Many times when I jump in and try to deal with an issue, I end up making it worse or just leave with it unresolved. This is because either my heart or their heart is not prepared to fully deal with the problem. So, I'm taking this new approach. When I sense an issue or a problem, I'm taking it to the Lord. I'm asking him to guide my heart and their heart. I'm then asking for the Lord to have them come to me with the issue. I need to be willing to wait and allow things to be dealt with in the right timing. As simple as that sounds, it's really a hard thing for me to do but the Lord is helping me. I'm just so thankful to have a heavenly Father who loves me enough and knows me well enough to know what I need.


Thank you Jesus, thank you for this life and this love you have given to me. I pray that anyone I've ever hurt knows that it was never intentional. I also hope they know that I love them no matter what because You love me no matter what. I admit that I'm not perfect and I never will be, but that you Lord  allow your perfection to cover all my imperfections. AMEN

Blast from the Past

The other night I was laying in bed and enjoying some much needed relaxation. As most people seem to do when they are trying to relax, I had my laptop. I was bored at surfing the internet so I started surfing my own computer. It was the best decision EVER because I ran across some OLD pictures. It was so much fun looking at old pictures. I was also reminded how blessed of a life I have had. As I flipped through these pictures I was just reminded of the friendships I've had and the ones I still have. Looking back at my years in high school and my years in undergraduate I feel like I've had the ideal life. I'm so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life and to share so many wonderful memories with them! I thought I'd share some of the pictures from high school. I hope you enjoy this trip back down memory lane as much as I did! Plus, you just never know who you're going to see :-)

High School Years

"Words can never say the way he says my name, He calls me lovely."

I tend to run into different struggles at different times in my life. It's interesting to look back and think of the things I struggles with then and the things I struggle with now. Then there are somethings that decide to find their way back. I'm not sure about you guys, but some things I would LOVE to be a struggle of the past. But just when I think it is, it creeps it's ugly head back in. I currently had a struggle decide to make it's way back into my mind, just when I thought it was gone for good. It's one of the struggles I hate and to be honest I'm really ashamed of. I might be speaking out alone on this but as soon as this struggle comes back into my mind, I want to ignore it and pretend like it's not there. 

Since this struggle has been back, I've felt that shame rise back up. I hear these things in my head, "If your really seeking God, you wouldn't have this struggle." "In the past you've screwed up in this area, it's bound to happen again and God is going to be really disappointed in you." This voice and these words and others just like them are not foreign to me. I've heard them before. In the past as soon as this struggle comes along I go into a dark corner in my mind, curl up in the corner, and hide myself from God. I do it because I want to deal with it on my own, I don't want God to see this struggle. I curl up in the corner because I feel shame. 

When this ugly monster reared it's ugly head into my mind again, I was tempted to fall back into my old patterns of how I deal with it. I turned and was ready to head to my corner when I was reminded of what Jesus has told me. He's told me that he loves me no matter what, he knows I'm going to have struggles and he tells me he wants to love me through them. He reminded me that in Christ there is NO SHAME, only VICTORY! In the past when I went to my corner I was like Eve trying to hide my nakedness, but Jesus knows my struggles and he knows the schemes of Satan and how he's trying to trip me up. In my corner I was out of Jesus's arms, I was running from his protection. I was trying to solve my problems by my own abilities and my own flesh. But Christ says, "Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak!” Satan convinced me just like he convinced Eve that I should be ashamed of what I struggle with. What happens is this shame leads me to messing up. So this time around I'm not running, I'm sitting down with Jesus and telling him my struggle and talking to him about it. As I talk, the shame leaves and all I feel is love. 

I wanted to share this because I know everyone goes through seasons like this.  I want to encourage you in whatever your struggle is to take it to Jesus. He has the right to judge but he doesn't. He doesn't shower you with shame and guilt, he showers you with hope and love. Whatever you're going through, he'll be right by your side helping you through it. Trust me, it's worth it.

Sit Down. Relax. Enjoy the Moment

Tuesday's are kind of awkward days for me. I have my graduate assistant position in the morning until 10:30 then I have class at 1:10. As you can see I have a little gap inbetween. I usually use this time to catch up on assignments or reading, which is really nice. Then there are days like today when I'm caught up on work and really don't feel like jumping ahead. Therefore, my morning has been spent reading random articles on Yahoo and being on Facebook. I'm not going to complain though. This semester has been as busy as I've expected so a time of rest is greatly appreciated. I just wish that I could have spent this time in my bed.... sleeping. But none the less, I did give my brain a break and am now educated on why soda's are bad for you (it was the only interesting article I found on Yahoo).

Out of all the problems and issues I know I have, the one problem that I know about and tend to feed into is my need to be a busy body. Times of rest are enjoyable, but most of the time I prefer to be doing something. I have a few reasons for this; #1 If I'm given too much rest I become extremely lazy. I lose all  motivation for anything and prefer to stay at home watching movies and TV or listen to music. #2 My mind can run 100 miles an hour thinking about everything on the earth and when I'm given too much rest, I will focus on these thoughts and begin to over think them. I then run into a problem of making a big deal out something that's not a big deal. I do consider it a blessing that I have critical thinking skills and problem solving skills but just like any other gift, when they are over used, you tend to venture to the dark side. #3 My busy-bodiness helps me to procrastinate on any problems or issues I know I need to deal with and just don't feel like dealing with just yet.
On a more positive note, I like staying busy because my busyness usually involves me spending time with people or helping people which is my LOVE and my PASSION.

But scripture warns us against busyness. Most of us know the story about Mary and Martha. If not the story is in Luke 10:38-42 (MSG),"As they continued their travel, Jesus entered a village. A woman by the name of Martha welcomed him and made him feel quite at home. She had a sister, Mary, who sat before the Master, hanging on every word he said. But Martha was pulled away by all she had to do in the kitchen. Later, she stepped in, interrupting them. "Master, don't you care that my sister has abandoned the kitchen to me? Tell her to lend me a hand." The Master said, "Martha, dear Martha, you're fussing far too much and getting yourself worked up over nothing. One thing only is essential, and Mary has chosen it—it's the main course, and won't be taken from her."

I'm much like Martha and I find myself getting caught up in the all the task and not just sitting like Mary and taking in the moments the Lord gives me for him to just shower his love onto. This hit me this morning while I was doing my grad assistant job. I sit in a intro to psych class and take notes and as the professor was talking he said, "our relationship with Jesus is a daily interpersonal relationship." Right then, all I heard was "daily relationship". There are days when I'm telling the Lord to hold on to what he has to tell me because I'm too busy or in the back of my mind I'm think "Lord, I just can't deal with anything you have to show me or tell me today. I'm afraid it won't be good and I can't handle anything bad right now." But God reminded me this morning, through this simple statement that my relationship is daily with him, therefore everyday is not going to be filled with God disciplining me. But I'm going to be honest, I feel that way sometimes. I'm bad about looking at God as this disciplinary and constantly wanting to work with me on my issues. But this morning the Lord told me differently. Everyday is not going to be about work. He is ultimately a God of LOVE and MERCY. He knows my weaknesses and he knows my strengths and ultimately he can be the only one to fill my weaknesses, I can't. I want to change how I perceive my relationship with him. Mary was engulfed in what Jesus had to say, so in my mind I know he had to have been saying things that were loving and filling. He was saying the exact things she needed to hear someone say. I think it's time that I sit down, relax, and enjoy the loving things the Lord wants to tell me

"If you love Me then just love me, don't you give me pretty words. Lay your life down at the alter, let Me see how serious you are."

Today I was not able to go to church. I wanted to go so bad! But, I worked another lock in at the museum this weekend (I worked one last weekend too) and when I left this morning, I felt as if my body was filled with lead. I had to go back into work at 1:30 to be trained for a temporary exhibit called National Treasure Trading Post, so I knew I needed energy for that AND to complete the rest of my homework that is due Monday. It really did break my heart that I couldn't go, I just love church and hate when I have to miss it.


Speaking of the National Treasure Trading Post, it's pretty cool. They have all these cool rocks, shells, sand, and other environmentally cool objects. Kids can bring stuff they find at home and trade them for some of the cool stuff we have. It's really awesome! Since I'll be running the post some (right now only the science managers do) I'm having to learn all this stuff about rocks and fossils. I never thought I'd be interested in that stuff but it has been so cool to learn about! I remember thinking in my undergrad how horrible it would be to take geology, but now I'm kinda wishing I had! Instead I took a Weather and Climate course that turned out to be a bust. It was taught be a geologist expert (irony? I think so). Either way, I can't tell you anything about the weather now. Waste of time. If I had only known I would be having to teach people information about rocks, I could have actually used some knowledge that I paid so much money for. Today this kid brought a rock that he found at his house on Signal Mountain. Turned out it just wasn't a rock but a fossilized sea shell and sea corral. It was really cool!


Since I didn't go to church today, I decided to have a little devotion with myself before I took a nap this morning. I've been reading through Matthew bits and pieces at a time for a while now. Before I read I asked the Lord to give me what he would have given me during the sermon today. I don't know what the service was about today but he did give me something that is completely applicable to the struggles I've had lately. I've been struggling with many internal things lately and have been attacked in one way or another by Satan with my thoughts. It's been going on for a while now and I've been getting really tired of it. But despite my constant prayers and asking for help, the mental thoughts keep coming. I've been trusting the Lord and I know he's helping me, he just hasn't completely stopped Satan from his dark whispering and it's been getting exhausting. Back to my devotion, I read through Matthew chapter 27. This is the chapter that talks about Jesus's trial and crucifixion. I've read through this multiple times but today the Lord showed me something new in this chapter. Throughout the whole trial Jesus was being beaten. Many have seen The Passion of Christ and probably still have a mental image of what this looked liked. Not only was he being beaten but he was being verbally assaulted as well. People were mocking him and asking him if he truly were the Messiah why isn't he saving himself. As I read this it hit me, Jesus did have the power to end the torment he was going through. He healed thousands of others and he had the power to heal himself and end the torment, but he didn't. God had the ability to intervene for him and end the torment as well, but he didn't. Why? Because if he had stopped the pain, he would have lost us. He knew that their was a greater purpose in the pain. He knew that in order for every single one of his children to have the opportunity to be with him, he had to suffer. He knew that in order for all the promises that he made through out the years to come true, he had to suffer. What I'm currently going through is only a pin prick in comparison to what Jesus went through but his experience makes me want to have his mindset. I'm sure each time he took a beating he thought of us and how it would save us. He focused on the bigger picture, he put his faith in God knowing he only allows temporary pain for a greater purpose. I have no clue why I'm going through what I'm going through, but I have to remember that this struggle is temporary. He's promised me that it's only temporary and I need to focus and trust in this. God could and will end this struggle eventually but until then I'm going to focus on the bigger picture rather than focusing on the pain and struggle it's causing me in the moment. For "this too shall pass".