Lighter Load

This is in response in an email I recently received:

This year, oh girl has it been one. I'm a totally different woman than I was this time last year. Hell, I'm a totally different woman than I was 8 months ago. This year has been a year of letting go. Letting go after letting go after letting go. What I have learned is very simple, short and to the point. I've learned that letting go makes you lighter and free. I have never felt more free in my life than I do right now. 

I thought I needed to hold onto everything, have control over everything in order for it to work in my favor, in order for it to turn out right but this year has proved me other wise. This year has shown me how freeing and beautiful letting go is, that half the reason I've been holding on were lies.

 I realized I made letting go a bigger monster than it really is. It's been like a tiger racing after me. I've run and run and run. Finally, I couldn't run any further. I lost all energy and fell to my knees. I sat there shaking, frozen, because the tiger was finally going to get me, it finally won. But to my surprise, when the tiger approached me it had no teeth and no claws. All it could do was roar and walk around me. It was never meant to hurt me.

That's what I've learned. I've learned that letting go was never meant to hurt us. The only purpose it serves is to give us a lighter load so that we can fly. 

At a time in the year to reflect what I'm thankful for, I can't help but to be overwhelmed with gratitude for the lighter load I'm walking around with these days.

Women, Math, and Love

I was riding in the car with a friend of mine this summer. As we were riding together, she was telling me about an event that had taken place between her and her husband that morning. As she's telling me the story, she makes the comment that she believes her husband is determined to find an equation that will help him to understand her. She then stated, "He's greatly mistaken by this idea, for there is no equation for me."

We both laughed in agreement that there is not and never will be a math equation in which women fit into to be understood.

Today love and relationships crossed my mind, as it does on most days. Being an analytical person and problem solver, I can't help but over analyze love. Much like my friends husband, I want to find an equation for love. I want to know that if I put a+b(c-d) I will get LOVE every time. 

I can't help but hear the same giggles and laughter from love, the same laughter my friend and I had when she mentioned the idea that women can be placed into an equation.

Here's the thing about love. Love has a few key ingredients that make it unpredictable. Love is made of mercy, grace, and forgiveness. When these three things are thrown into the mix, absolutely anything is possible. Wounds are healed, hearts are changed, minds gain new vision. They are the game changers. They are what make love so exciting. They are what make people sit for hours writing poems about love. They are what make us look into the face of a stranger and think "can I find love in you?"

For love has no face. Love can not be kept as a mere definition. Love is too big and too strong for a simple solution, simple equation. When you are as big as love, anything is possible.

When working with teenagers, love is always the topic of choice. I hear stories after stories of love and how it came together and how it fell apart. I sit and listen to each of them as they tell me their story. I sit and I show excitement in the exciting moments and show sadness in the sad ones. But the whole time I can't help but think, "You're missing it, dear. You're missing what love really is."

Sometimes I wish love were an equation. If it were, I would print them on business cards and pass them out to every person I came in contact with. It would make spreading love a whole lot easier. But the fact that love is not easy and cannot be printed out makes it so thrilling. It's what makes it worth waiting for and fighting for. 

Love is a big mystery and that's what makes it so enticing. 

Insecurities.

Comma splices.

Run on sentences.

Grammatical error.

These are just a few of the things I'm sure I do in EVERY SINGLE BLOG POST.

In school, English was never my strongest subject. I heard time and time again how I write like I talk and how that's not the proper way to write. I remember sitting in my 10th Lit class in high school telling myself that I was going to focus and finally understand this thing called grammar. But it never mattered how hard I focused, I just didn't get it.

"Why can we just not write how we think?" This was always my underlining questions as I tried to understand the English language and all the rules that come with it.

I'll never forget. I'll never forget the one day when my confidence changed. I was in my 11th grade American Lit class. By this point I had accepted the fact that the rules of grammar and I would never be friends. I loved words and I loved to communicate, but I had decided that writing just wasn't my thing.

I remember having a creative writing assignment. More specifically, we had to use imagery in this particular writing assignment. I chose to write about the beach. I remember breaking down the experience of going to the beach and writing it onto my paper.

When our teacher passed back our papers, I had received a 100 on this paper. Not only did I receive a 100 but he had written a compliment on the paper, telling me how well I written the paper.

I was blown away. I had never received a compliment on my writing before. Yet, here it was.

This was just the beginning of a whole new genre of writing for me. We eventually began to learn about poetry and I found myself writing poem, after poem. I begin looking up poems online and reading them. I wrote poems about the boy who I had a crush on in school. I wrote poems about friends. I wrote poems about being bored. Poetry and I had fallen madly in love with each other.

I never thought I would find love in literature, yet here I was. In love.

I remember sharing some poems I had written to a person I cared deeply about at the time. I'm a deep person and these poems were deep for me. I don't share the few poems I've written to many people, because they are like microscopes to my heart.  The person never again, for as long as I knew them, asked me about my poems again. They never asked if I wrote more. They never showed interest so I slowly buried that part of myself.

When I first started blogging, I made it very clear that I'm not a grammar person and made an apology in advance. Though I've gotten better, it's still not my strong suit.

Do you know what I've learned though? I've learned that even in my weakness, I can be used. Even if I'm not the grammar queen of this world, God can still use my rebellious way of writing.

I started blogging hard core this year due to the struggles I've encountered. I found myself in a deep journey to reconnect with myself, reconnect with who I am, and writing has been a major part of that process. It has helped me to clear my head, to think clearer, and most importantly, to help me be honest with myself.

I have found that through metaphors and rhythmic words, I have a way to portray the truth. I have a way to write the truth down. If it's written down, I have no other choice but to stare at it. I have no other choice but to go back and read it, over and over again. I can't run from it.

It's been amazing to see how God has used me through this. Over the past few months, I have had more than one person send me a message to tell me how grateful they are for the things I have been writing. People I haven't seen or spoken to in years have sent me messages telling me thank you for my positive attitude and positive words. I have been so overly struck and humbled by these words. I had no idea that my words were really being heard by people. I had no idea that what I was saying and going through was being used as stepping stones to help others get through their own fog. I had no idea.

I've had something wrote Paul play over and over in my head recently where he says, "For when I am weak, then I am strong." For he boasted that in his weakness, Christ power is the strongest.

I'm just blown away how God has used my weakness and insecurity in writing to make positive impacts for people. I am beyond thankful. For all I could ever want for each person, whoever reads this, I want good for you. Nothing but sweet, sweet goodness for you.

So I'll apologize to the grammar Nazi’s and grammar kings and queens of this world. I'm sorry for the twitches and tiny heartbreaks I give you every time I break a beautiful grammatical rule, but I'm not stopping. I'm not going to stop expressing my heart to you. I'm not going to stop telling you about the beautiful colors I see every day. I'm not going to stop telling you about the goodness, the heartbreak, the tears, the joys, I experience in this life.

I can promise that I'm working on how I write. I learn by example and reading other people's writing helps tremendously.

God tells me too many good things to keep from sharing them with you. My heart has too much love in it to allow something as little as my insecurities keep me from expressing it. My words might not be perfect, but I can promise you this one thing: they are true.