2014 and all it's lessons

The end of the year is drawing near. Reflection starts early for me, especially this year. This year has been one hell of a year. It has been a year of refining and I'm happy to say I'll be entering into 2015 better and stronger than I entered 2014.

Since it's been a very active year, I wanted to share with you the things I have learned that stick out the most for me this year:

1. Change is stressful. Good change. Bad change. Doesn't matter, it's all stressful.

2. Enjoy people while they are in your life. Even if it's a first date, drink in each moment with that person. Don't worry about the future. Don't worry about whether you are compatible. If the conversation makes you forget about the time, DRINK IT ALL IN. To really enjoy a conversation with someone is rare. If they are in your moment, they are meant to be there, don't question it. Don't let thoughts of the future take you away from that moment, you'll never get it back.

3. Don't be afraid to speak the truth. Even if there is no evidence just yet, if everything in you tells you to say it. SAY IT.

4. Stay away from liar's, they are no good for you. Except leggings, allow leggings to lie about the size of your waist line all day, everyday. (If you want the truth, wear jeans. Those bastards don't lie.)

5. When life has taken everything out of you, listen to music without words. It will restore you.

6. There's a balance in loving yourself and loving other people. Remember that one is not greater than the other.

7. Don't be so hard on yourself. You can only learn by moving and moving will create mistakes, but whatever you do, DON'T STOP MOVING. You can only do great things if you are moving.

8. Don't feel like you have to fix everything. Somethings are still beautiful broken.

9. Don't be afraid to feel. Even if it doesn't make sense and everyone would look at you like you're crazy if you fully expressed the intensity of what you feel. Great music and poetry are born from the deepest corners of every emotion.

10. If you knew all the answers life would be boring. It's the mystery that each day holds that makes getting out of bed more enticing.

11. Treasures can be found in each new day. It can be found in the sunrise, conversations, the warmth of a sun ray, a hug from a friend, a text from a stranger. Wake up each day with the anticipation of discovering your treasure of the day. I promise there is one waiting for you.

12. Always fight to find comfort in being alone. You'll enjoy company more when you want to be around them, rather than needing to be around them.

13. You will relapse in something. You will. Don't beat yourself up. You got out once, you'll do it again.

14. There are ugly truths about yourself and beautiful truths. Just like a painting has to use bright and dull colors, it's the whole picture that matters in the end. Don't focus so much on just the bad or just the good. It's you as a whole that matters and you're beauty comes from the twist and twirls of both the good and bad.

15. If anyone ever dares to look at you and see the very depths of your soul, don't stop them. Don't stop their sea glass eyes from looking into your heart. Don't stop them by correcting them or defending yourself. Sit and listen to what they have to say. They are giving you gifts that you will find yourself unwrapping over and over again. And with all the regrets you might find yourself collecting in your life, you'll never regret holding your tongue in that moment. You'll be thankful you listened.

16. You're human. For real. Never forget, YOU ARE HUMAN.

17. You have a choice in everything you do. This is YOUR story. Everyday you wake up and choose who you want to be. You can't always choose your circumstances, but you ALWAYS have a choice in how you choose to react to your circumstance.

18. Friendship is a two way street. Don't expect things from people you wouldn't be willing to do yourself.

19. Find something you love and obsess over it. It's always worth it.

20. Don't always listen to your emotions, they tend to overreact and can skew reality. You are loved more than you feel 99% of the time.

Last but not least.......

This is not the end

Hallelujah 

It's only the beginning.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Table for one, please.

I walked into the restaurant. The hostess looked at me and asked, "How many?"

I replied, "Just me."

..............................................................................................

This weekend I dog sat for my dad in Nashville. I've done this before but I normally have friends come with me and we make a weekend out of it. We spend the weekend exploring Nashville and enjoying each others company.

With it being the holidays, people were busy with family so I embarked on the weekend alone.

A few years ago, right after I finished my undergraduate degree, I remember having a phone conversation with my step mom. I had just moved back in with my mom and was getting ready to start grad school. In the conversation, I remember my step mom telling me something that completely puzzled me at the time. As I was talking to her about the new changes of my life she made this small comment, she said, "Well if you think about it, you've never really been alone. I mean, you've always had a roommate or someone around."

I was puzzled by this at the time because I always associated 'being alone' as not having a boyfriend. At the time it had been over a year since I had dated someone and if you were to add up the time I dated people in college, my time single our weighed my time in a relationship.

I really chewed on this statement for a while. As life progressed and continued to change dramatically, it was always in the back of my mind. It finally clicked one day, she was right. My life has not been filled with boyfriend type relationships, but it's always been filled with relationships. In college I was rarely alone, I always had someone to hang out with, someone to do something with. Being back in my hometown, the crowd of people to be around was small again. I didn't have the selection I had created in college and the number of people to do something with had dropped dramatically.

After I quit my job with Youth Villages, I made an effort to start doing things by myself more often. I decided I needed to learn to be alone and not have someone constantly around me. It took me a good 2 years, but I finally felt I had conquered a huge accomplishment in my life. I had learned to be alone.

I finished grad school, life threw more curve balls I had not expected, and I found myself back into my old ways. This time, my need for attention was ten times worse than before. I started going further than I had ever gone before to be with people.

I woke up, realized what I was doing, and started working back to what took me two years to build up again.

I'm happy to say that I recovered pretty quickly. I've found the joy in being alone again, until this weekend.

I had been looking forward to the weekend. I had been looking forward to going to the art museum, Franklin, and to just adventure around the city alone.

It hit me out of no where. This deep anxiety and loneliness suppressed me like a damp wash cloth over the weekend. I found myself worrying over little things and not wanting to do anything by myself. I made myself go out and do things anyways, but I felt like everyone was watching me the whole time. I felt 10 pairs of eyes on me constantly, as if everyone was watching my every move.

I had originally planned to try out a new restaurant in Franklin, but I just couldn't get myself to go and sit somewhere alone. The thought of sitting alone in a restaurant just increased my anxiety. I had decided I would just pick something up and take it back to the house. As I'm driving back, I'm analyzing myself in my head. I'm trying to figure out why I was making such a big deal out of something that wasn't a big deal. "Emily, you do things alone all the time. What's going on, girl?!"

I get back into town and finally convinced myself how ridiculous I was being and decide to go eat at the a chinese place I had eaten at before with my dad and step mom.

I go inside, the hostess sits me, I order food, eat, and leave.

It wasn't bad. It wasn't bad at all, so why had I been so anxious? Why had I freaked out about this whole thing?

It was in that moment that it hit me. I realized that the whole weekend I was feeling anxious about being alone because I was afraid people would wonder why I'm alone. I was afraid people would think something is wrong with me.

That has always been my underlining issue with being alone. I've always perceived people who are alone as something to be 'wrong' with them. That's the only reason they would really be alone, right? There has to be something that makes that person unlovable.

Truth is I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes, I struggle with things, but none of those things make me unlovable. I've had worries that have made certain things harder, but I've come to learn that all those things make me human, not broken.

My drive home yesterday helped me clear my head. I was bummed that I allowed my anxieties get in the way of a perfectly good weekend but as my phone rang and a number that is unknown, but really known, popped up I knew I had a choice. I knew if I answered I didn't need that person on the other end. I knew that loneliness is a bitch and it will crawl it's ugly talons back into my life on another day. With that in mind I let the call roll over to voice mail. I took a deep breath in and exhaled all the worries of the weekend out. "You're okay, girl." I whispered to myself. "You're okay."