Table for one, please.

I walked into the restaurant. The hostess looked at me and asked, "How many?"

I replied, "Just me."

..............................................................................................

This weekend I dog sat for my dad in Nashville. I've done this before but I normally have friends come with me and we make a weekend out of it. We spend the weekend exploring Nashville and enjoying each others company.

With it being the holidays, people were busy with family so I embarked on the weekend alone.

A few years ago, right after I finished my undergraduate degree, I remember having a phone conversation with my step mom. I had just moved back in with my mom and was getting ready to start grad school. In the conversation, I remember my step mom telling me something that completely puzzled me at the time. As I was talking to her about the new changes of my life she made this small comment, she said, "Well if you think about it, you've never really been alone. I mean, you've always had a roommate or someone around."

I was puzzled by this at the time because I always associated 'being alone' as not having a boyfriend. At the time it had been over a year since I had dated someone and if you were to add up the time I dated people in college, my time single our weighed my time in a relationship.

I really chewed on this statement for a while. As life progressed and continued to change dramatically, it was always in the back of my mind. It finally clicked one day, she was right. My life has not been filled with boyfriend type relationships, but it's always been filled with relationships. In college I was rarely alone, I always had someone to hang out with, someone to do something with. Being back in my hometown, the crowd of people to be around was small again. I didn't have the selection I had created in college and the number of people to do something with had dropped dramatically.

After I quit my job with Youth Villages, I made an effort to start doing things by myself more often. I decided I needed to learn to be alone and not have someone constantly around me. It took me a good 2 years, but I finally felt I had conquered a huge accomplishment in my life. I had learned to be alone.

I finished grad school, life threw more curve balls I had not expected, and I found myself back into my old ways. This time, my need for attention was ten times worse than before. I started going further than I had ever gone before to be with people.

I woke up, realized what I was doing, and started working back to what took me two years to build up again.

I'm happy to say that I recovered pretty quickly. I've found the joy in being alone again, until this weekend.

I had been looking forward to the weekend. I had been looking forward to going to the art museum, Franklin, and to just adventure around the city alone.

It hit me out of no where. This deep anxiety and loneliness suppressed me like a damp wash cloth over the weekend. I found myself worrying over little things and not wanting to do anything by myself. I made myself go out and do things anyways, but I felt like everyone was watching me the whole time. I felt 10 pairs of eyes on me constantly, as if everyone was watching my every move.

I had originally planned to try out a new restaurant in Franklin, but I just couldn't get myself to go and sit somewhere alone. The thought of sitting alone in a restaurant just increased my anxiety. I had decided I would just pick something up and take it back to the house. As I'm driving back, I'm analyzing myself in my head. I'm trying to figure out why I was making such a big deal out of something that wasn't a big deal. "Emily, you do things alone all the time. What's going on, girl?!"

I get back into town and finally convinced myself how ridiculous I was being and decide to go eat at the a chinese place I had eaten at before with my dad and step mom.

I go inside, the hostess sits me, I order food, eat, and leave.

It wasn't bad. It wasn't bad at all, so why had I been so anxious? Why had I freaked out about this whole thing?

It was in that moment that it hit me. I realized that the whole weekend I was feeling anxious about being alone because I was afraid people would wonder why I'm alone. I was afraid people would think something is wrong with me.

That has always been my underlining issue with being alone. I've always perceived people who are alone as something to be 'wrong' with them. That's the only reason they would really be alone, right? There has to be something that makes that person unlovable.

Truth is I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes, I struggle with things, but none of those things make me unlovable. I've had worries that have made certain things harder, but I've come to learn that all those things make me human, not broken.

My drive home yesterday helped me clear my head. I was bummed that I allowed my anxieties get in the way of a perfectly good weekend but as my phone rang and a number that is unknown, but really known, popped up I knew I had a choice. I knew if I answered I didn't need that person on the other end. I knew that loneliness is a bitch and it will crawl it's ugly talons back into my life on another day. With that in mind I let the call roll over to voice mail. I took a deep breath in and exhaled all the worries of the weekend out. "You're okay, girl." I whispered to myself. "You're okay."