Healthy Living

At the end of last year I had an unexpected health problem arrive. I had an ovarian cyst on my right side that had grown to about 4 cm causing some damage to my sciatic nerve. For those who do not know, the sciatic nerve is the largest nerve in your body and starts at the lower spine running down to your foot. I do not know the details of how exactly the cyst damaged my nerve, all I know is that I was experiencing the most excruciating pain of my life. I didn't know at the time that what was going on. All I knew is that I had a sharp pain in my right side that literally made me not want to breath in fear that breathing alone would be like someone stabbing a knife in my side.

I went to the ER that night, found out it was a cyst, went home to wait for morning to where I could go see my OBGYN. The next morning the pain was still terrible. My mom had to help me get dressed because I couldn't bend over without having another sharp pain in my side. The cyst thankfully dissipated the next day and I didn't have to have any other major medical procedures.

Even though the cyst had only been large enough to cause damage for a grand total of 15 hours, the damage it left behind was miserable. The inflammation to the nerve made simple everyday task hard such as walking or bending over. It took me about 2 days before I could do simple task without help from others.

Even though the cyst had dissipated, the damage to the nerve was still there. After some research I had learned that the pain I was experiencing from the nerve damage is called sciatica. For those who have had sciatica before know that it's probably one of the most annoying problems to have. It is LITERALLY a "pain in your butt". I was researching sciatica and what all you need to do to help it heal. I was not happy with the results. I found that it takes about 4 weeks for sciatica to completely heal and during that time period you cannot run (being a runner this was not exciting news). You are not to spend long periods of times sitting (which is true because it hurts to sit) and the only thing you can do is take ibuprofen and walk frequently.

This was a hard time for me. It's one thing to choose not to run or exercise (which if I'm being honest I was not doing as much before the cyst) but it's a whole other things to NOT have the choice.

It took exactly as long as everything I had read said it would. I spent 4 weeks with a literal pain in my butt. It hurt to sit, it hurt to walk. I'm pretty sure it hurt just to think some days.

Finally, come mid January, the pain was lessening and I was getting better. Except at this point I had grown use to not making time to exercise throughout the week. I had slowly started slacking off before the cyst with my running and yoga, too. So when the sciatica developed, it just plunged me deeper into the not exercising routine (even though I was still eating like I was running and exercising).

In February, I went snowboarding for the first time with a friend. As I was trying to learn to snowboard, I realized how out of shape I had become. My confidence was no where to be found. I realized how dependent I had become on my bodies ability for me to feel confident enough to try something new. I wasn't as motivated to learn the whole trip.

I've continued to have issues over the year. Cyst still develop though I have not had one to debilitate me again. Even though the sciatica cleared up, I've had issues with inflammation. If a cyst grows enough to shift things just enough to stir up inflammation, I can be thrown into another 4 weeks of sciatic pain.

The snowboarding trip really brought to light how much my confidence is dependent on the physical shape I'm in. The more physically healthy I am the more confident I am to try new physical activities. With the on and off sciatic issues, it's made it a real struggle to stay in physical good health because I can be set back on progress in no time.

I've had to make a few health changes to help prevent more problems. I've stopped drinking soda's as much to keep from my body getting dehydrated. I found myself waking with leg cramps multiple nights one month. After cutting out soda's, I haven't had a leg cramp since. It's been little changes in my diet that has help me get back in shape and has also help with my personal confidence level. I'm not as intimidated to try something new again, my adventurous side is not as hindered.

I've been reading Scary Close by Donald Miller lately. This book talks about his personal journey when it  come to developing relationships with people. It has been an eye opening read for me, I've been drinking in each word he writes. One of the things he talks about is the difference between a healthy person and an unhealthy person. In this discussion of healthy, he's not referring to physical health, he's talking about mental and emotional health.

I'll be honest, it wasn't that hard for me to change into a healthier physical lifestyle. The more water you drink the more that's what you start to crave. The more vegetables and fruits you eat, the more that's what you start wanting. But to change into a lifestyle that helps cultivate a mental and emotional state of health is different. It's one thing to change what you're eating, it's a whole other thing to change your thinking habits or the people you spend time with.

All it takes for you to know where you stand in your level of physical health is whether you can move for long periods of time without losing your breath or by your pant size. These things are more obvious and it takes a deep level of denial for us to truly deny the fact that we are physically out of shape. But to be emotionally and mentally out of shape, it's a little easier to hide from.

We live in a world full of distractions. There is literally something to do at a swipe of a phone or a click of a button. It is so easy to distract yourself each moment of the day in order to keep yourself from knowing the true emotional state you are living in.

For me, I've come to find how emotionally healthy I am with how honest I'm willing to be with myself and others. It's how brave and confident I feel, despite all the fear I experience, when I start walking toward the deep and dark corners of my soul. Just like I'm more confident in trying new physical activities when I'm physically healthy, I'm more confident to adventure into knowing who I am when I'm emotionally and mentally healthy.

I think it's easy to think you are emotionally and mentally healthy if you hardly have problems in relationships with people. It's easy to think that the more healthy you are, the less struggles you have. I personally do not believe this to be true. Hard times and difficulties are going to find you, always. No matter how in shape you are, no matter how well you stay in check with yourself, hard times will come. How you can tell if you are emotionally healthy or not is by the level of confidence you have that you will make it through, that this hard time will pass, and that you will make it out.

I have a terrible history of not being honest with myself. I never wanted to confess where my weak points were out of fear that I would not be loved. I learned how to over emphasize my good so that the bad would seem smaller. But this way of living will not complete you. To hide from the imperfect parts of yourself will only make you feel less whole. It makes love out to be conditional, not unconditional. And if you are only giving yourself conditional love, how can you give anyone else unconditional love?

Over the past year, writing has been my way of learning to be honest with myself again. I always tell people that pen and paper do no judge you. It never tells you what you are feeling is wrong. It's the best listener out there.

Healthy living is so much more than learning to eat right and exercise regularly. It's also about learning to speak truth over your life. It's learning to love imperfection daily and knowing that imperfect is the window you need to allow love, grace, and mercy into you life.