I haven't written a blog in a while due to the fact that my thoughts have been less focused and more chaotic. It's been a struggle to really narrow everything down and really identify what I need to get out. Instead I have been journaling my thoughts, doing a more streaming dialogue where I do not try and pay attention to what exactly I'm writing, I just write.
Today I had brunch with a friend and something about our honest conversation calmed my chaotic mind and all of the sudden I could think a little clearer. The light that settled the dust was a simple truth stated in the conversation, "You do not have to know everything life has in store for you."
I'm intuitive, constantly plagued with feelings that tend to be extremely accurate. I have the ability to have an idea of what is to come, what the future might hold for me. But when my intuition has quieted down, when the present is not filled with the things that I am sure will come, I find myself getting lost in my head. I get lost trying to figure out what will happen, what will the future bring.
It creates a massive amount of anxiety in a persons life when they decide to take on the role of determining their future. It takes you away from the present moment, with the present people who do nothing but pour good things onto you.
After taking in and processing the truth that one does not have to know what their future holds, I began to see a bigger picture. I began to see that when you live your life searching for your future, you end up building this sense of entitlement. You begin to live with the attitude that you are entitled to know your future. You end up taking all the reigns in your life, bundling them up in you arms, and disconnect yourself from trust. Trust and faith slowly begin to fade and you put yourself into a god like position, saying that you are the only one worthy of control in your life.
I currently have a student that I have been working with this semester. There is something about her that I'm drawn to. Despite the exhaustion she can bring into your day (and she does daily) I can't help but enjoy her. She wears her teachers and other staff members out frequently and this is because she's always working to have control in the situation. It's a constant power play.
As I sat with the people I work with, discussing new idea's and interventions that would benefit her, I found the real truth behind her behavior falling from my lips. She goes into power play with teachers or other staff members because somewhere along the way, she has already learned that the only person she can trust is herself. She's really not intentionally being difficult. She has just learned at the age of 16 that the only person she can really trust to watch out for her is herself.
She's 16. I know and you probably know that she can't make sound decisions for herself right now. She does not have the wisdom or experience to truly take care of herself yet, she has decided to cut herself off from trust and faith in others. If anyone is going to be in control from now on, it's going to be her.
This girl is setting herself for a life full of trouble, yet I find myself doing the exact same thing with God. I pull the reigns from his hands and say, "You know what, I got this. I'm going to do this from now on. I'll let you know if I need help."
The lesson comes fast as the anxiety rises. I quickly learn that a life planned by me and me alone will not turn out as I had planned. It will not always go the way I want. And as my plans continue to come crashing down in front of me, I slowly begin to find gratitude in my heart. I slowly find that the plans I had laid out for myself were only a false sense of security. What I thought I needed was only a fraction of what I could have.
You have to find a way to trust that God really does have things in store for you and that he really doesn't have to let you in on the plan. He says he knows what the plan is (Jeremiah 29:11) and promises that what he has in store is good.
The more plans I make for myself, the more disappointment I'm going to find. The one thing that both my friend and I could agree on this morning is this: the BEST things that happen in life are the very things we did not plan for.
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