Sunday, December 20, 2015

2015, I don't hate you.

The year is coming to an end and my favorite thing to do at this time of year is to reflect.

I'm not going to lie, one of my favorite things in the world is to get lost in my head. I love getting away from people and just diving into my little world in my head. It's a very happy world. So as the year ends, I dive into my world of memories and reflect on what I have learned and what I want to take with me into the next year.

Here are my lessons from 2015:

Stop planning your life.
That's been the biggest lesson of this year. STOP TRYING TO PLAN OUT YOUR LIFE. First off, I'm terrible at it. Sometimes I just want an idea to chase after, a goal, something to strive for. But this is RIDICULOUSLY boring for me. I've tried setting up weekly routines for myself. You know, go to work, exorcise on Tuesdays and Thursdays after work, cook dinner every Monday night, etc. But what I have found is this, I will accomplish set routine for one week, pat myself on the back for it, then try to repeat it again the next week. Then the next week comes, Tuesday arrives and I find more excitement with not doing as I had planned than actually doing what I had planned. This continues to happen. No matter what I try to set up for myself through out the week, I end up jumping at any spur of the moment opportunity (and finding more joy in the unplanned aspect) rather than sticking with my plan.

Not only do I like to randomly change my plans, but if I have a set plan that I'm satisfied with and something out of my control comes in and changes the plans MY HEART BREAKS INTO A MILLION PIECES. Even though I know that I would have ended up changing what I had in mind at the last minute, when the universe dives in and messes with my plans, I am heart broken and can struggle to take in the new turn of events. (Example: I had a to buy a new car this year.Wasn't planning on it, but I had no other choice. I'm just now getting to the point where I'm enjoying the car and not grieving over the fact that I have a car payment).

Always choose to cheer for people's good, even if that means you're not involved.
When you choose to want good for people, you find yourself feeling free. You find yourself not allowing control into relationships and when control is gone, true love finds its way to the surface. The hardest part about this is that sometimes you can't be there to watch the good happen. You can't be the person on the other side of the table getting to watch and experience play by play moments of a persons change. It's not that you're a bad person, it's just that people build more solid foundations on their own. If you love people, you won't put yourself in a position where their happiness depends on you. That's not true love. True love is praying for the best for them. It's praying and hoping they find all the happiness this world has to offer. It's hoping that one day, when they are happy, you will be able to join them in the happiness that they were able to build for themselves.

Listen to your intuition and dreams.
This has been the biggest, eye opening, change of the year. I have had multiple incidents where I just knew what I needed to do (without rhyme nor reason) and in the midst of the insanity, it turned out that my intuition led me in the right direction. I've also had dreams about certain people and they have ironically came true in some form or fashion. Learning to trust my intuition has helped me so much this year.

Do something that scares the hell out of you.
My biggest scare moment was taking a trip across the country by myself. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know what it would feel like to be completely dependent on my own wit and knowledge in a city I knew nothing about. Yet, this is the biggest highlight of the year for me. You learn so much about yourself when you give yourself the opportunity to step outside yourself.

Write all the letters you want.
I love writing letters. It's my favorite. Sometimes I just want to talk with certain people about certain things that are really deep and for whatever reason, I enjoy doing this in the form of letters. I actually have a file saved on my computer that are just letters to people. Some I have sent, others I have not. I realized that I process better by writing letters, by saying all the things that are hard for me to say in person. So I'm going to keep writing letters and always give myself the choice to keep them or send them.

Tell and show people you love them.
I'm a feeler. I feel ALL emotions intensely. Most feelers hate that they feel so much, but I honestly don't hate it. It's probably my favorite part of myself, yet it's the part I keep hidden. I realized that I have the hardest time fully expressing to people how I feel about them. Sometimes I just want to go and give people the biggest hug as a way to pour all the love I feel into them, yet I hold back more than I follow through. I'm an affectionate person and it's something I've hidden for so long. I'm learning to not be so afraid to show people how much I love them.

Stop hiding. PERIOD.
Not only do I hide emotions, but I just hide a lot about myself in general. I cannot tell you how many times I found myself in a conversation where I kept my true thoughts to myself. I have a thick layer that I wear outside that I show to people. I'm comfortable showing this layer, so I wear it freely. Yet, I have a whole other part of my that I like to hide, even from my closest friends. This layer isn't meant to be on the surface, we all have part that we only share with a select few, but I have come to learn that I even hide this part from the people who I know love me. It's not that I have this deep dark secret that I don't want anyone to know, it's just that I carry more meaning to life than I want to admit most of the time. I'm slowly learning to let the people I know I can trust in and not weigh the worth of what is inside of me based on their reaction or views.

You don't always need a hand to hold.
I'm a friend addict. I have many friends and I love surrounding myself with my friends. This year has taught me that I do not alway need a friend to be there in every aspect of my life. I do not need attention constantly from people. In fact, I've learn to enjoy time alone rather than trying to make sure someone is always with me. I have found more joy and comfort in not being stimulated by people constantly. It's a beautiful place when you find yourself wanting to be around people rather than needing to be around them.

As the title of this blog states, I really don't hate 2015. It's actually going down as one of the good years for me. I've continued to find healing from the pains of 2014. I'm learning to hold onto the hope that things are only going to get better.

Thank you, 2015. You have a special place in my heart.

No comments:

Post a Comment