God has been actively working in my life this week. I have had 3 days of God making things very clear. It all started Sunday in church. I've been attending Briarwood with Ashley and have throughly enjoyed it. A women stood up to discuss her struggles she's been having and God placed on my heart to tell her a verse. But, instead of saying something I kept my mouth shut. I kept doubting and giving excuses why I shouldn't say anything. As I was walking out of church another member called me out on it. He knew God had given me something to say and he knew I was letting what other's might think of me control what I say. I walked out in complete shock. I knew right then that God is wanting to use me and He's not going to let me give Him excuses any longer.
Monday comes along. I do my usually work routine and then go to class. I'm taking a summer course call Group Processes and in this class we actually hold group sessions. We had to write down 4 things about us and make one item a lie. After we did this we had to create one word that described our descriptions. My word was anxious. The next task was to state the word we wished our descriptions described, I chose bold. After stating my word to be bold, my professor asked why I chose bold. I stated that I wish I was less fearful and more bold. I began to say that I have things placed on my heart at times to say to people but I become fearful of what they might think, therefore I keep my mouth shut and do not say anything. My professor then proceeded to ask if I had felt the need to say anything to any of the group members tonight, I said no. She continued to ask me if I was sure there wasn't something I wanted to say, I said no again. As she kept on pushing the matter it came to me that yes I actually had thought of something but had pushed it back and forgot, so I said this to my professor but she wasn't good with this answer. Finally I sat for a moment and it came to me, I had thought of something to say while one of the group members were talk and had just blown it off and suppressed it. Once I remembered what it was that I needed to say, I said it to the group member. After saying what I needed to say, my professor asked how I felt after saying it. With tears in my eyes, I told her I felt like my shoulders were at my ears and I felt a knot in my chest. My professor looked at me and told me that this had made her very sad because what I told to the group member was very insightful. My group member even confirmed this for me. Once again, I felt God convicting me of the fear, anxiety, and suppression that I have created.
This all leads up to today, day 3 of God making sure I am hearing him VERY clearly. I go to prayer night at Briarwood and I have 2 men come up to me and tell me that God has placed on their hearts to talk to me and pray for me. Once again, I was told that I have been given a gift, a gift that is intended to help others and uplift them. And they too saw the struggles, fears, and doubt that I have been having that is hindering what God has in store for me. By this point, I had no excuses. I could not justify my way out of this reality that God has placed before me. God is leading me, he has a plan for me, and ultimately He LOVES me. This love is so beautiful because it is perfect, flawless, and extravagant, it's everything I'm not. Yet, he wants me to have it. He wants me to trust him and trust that He knows what he is doing. As it is said in Jeremiah 29:11, "I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for."
I was advised to create a prayer from Ephesians 1, starting in verse 17. I would like to share with you the prayer that I have created for myself. It's speaks exactly what I am longing for.
"Jesus Christ, My Lord, and My God, give me the intelligence and discernment in knowing You personally. May my eyes be focused and clear so I can see exactly what it is that You are calling me to do. May I begin to grasp the immensity of Your glorious way of life that You have for your followers. May I know the extravagance of Your work in those who trust You. May I experience the endless energy and boundless strength that comes in your name. Thank you Lord for loving me. Amen."
On another side note. God did something else very interesting today. As I was leaving to go to prayer it began to ran very hard. I was about to walk out of my house when I noticed the down pour. I wasn't too happy about running in the rain to my car but I just blew it off. I stepped outside under a part of the roof that stuck out to keep me dry while I shut the door. After I shut the door I took a deep breathe to prepare for my dodge to my car. I began my run to the car and noticed that the rain had stopped from down pouring and had turned into a light sprinkle. I get into my car and it begins raining hard again. I believe God was being very precious and gave me his umbrella while I ran out to my car :-)
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