It's hard being human

Tonight, I cooked dinner for myself, I danced and sang to Delta Rae while baking banana nut bread. I watched some of my favorite shows on Hulu. I found myself at the end of the night, laying on my couch, lights off, candles lit, music playing, reading beautiful words on my screen, and an overwhelming sense of gratitude and happiness in my heart.

8 months ago, I wouldn't have been this happy to be alone. You can't be alone when you're running from something inside of you. Being alone with yourself becomes near impossible.

8 months ago, I wouldn't have been here. It's amazing what can change in just 8 months. The trees might still have the same leaves, the colors of the wall might be the same, the amount of miles that are driven might be the same, yet, everything is different.


The colors in the sky stand out more. You never knew there could be so many colors in one day. You never noticed how beautiful words can be. You never noticed how you always feel like you have to have an answer, always. You never thought you could experience freedom like this.

Freedom.

I always heard people speak of it. People write poems about freedom. People write songs about freedom, but you never really knew it existed until now.

Life is hard. We don't say that enough.

Life. Is. Hard.

We're quick to point out how we're not handling life right or what we're doing wrong. We're quick to try to fix the hardness and make things softer rather than embracing the hardness.

Life is hard. I found myself saying that over and over to people. As tears came streaming down sweet little faces this week, I found myself saying over and over again, "Life is hard, hon. Life is hard." And with each sweet face, with tears streaming down their cheeks in different directions, they each nodded their head in agreement.

Why have I never said that before? Why have I not just called it out. It's always been there. It's always sat in the room with me, no matter who the person was, it's always been there. Why do we not just admit together, LIFE. IS. DAMN. HARD.  

Instead we want to point fingers. Instead we want to convince ourselves that it's really easy and that we are somehow getting it wrong.

Well please let me clear that up for you.

No. It's not easy. No. It won't ever become easy. The minute things become easy, you'll lose interest. You'll stop growing.

Even though it's not easy and it's hard, it's doable.

Let me say it again. IT'S DOABLE.

You WILL get over this rough patch. You WILL get through the trials. You WILL find joy and happiness. Just because you do not have it in your hands right now, doesn't mean it's not on its way.

And you always, ALWAYS have a choice. You might not have a choice in the type of circumstance that come your way, but you always have a choice in how you handle it.

YOU HAVE A CHOICE IN HOW YOU DEAL WITH THIS HARD LIFE.

Please, don't ever forget that.

No matter what, you are not trapped. You might be in a dead zone in solving it, but you are not trapped. Talk to someone. Believe me, I get trapped in my own mind at times and it's amazing how someone else's perspective can pull me out, get me moving again. Don't be afraid to be honest about how you feel. Don't be afraid to be honest with yourself.

That's where my freedom began, it began in me tearing down the walls and being honest with myself. I had to look at all the junk in my life and admit it was junk. It wasn't antique store material, it was JUNK. I had to allow myself to be human and to feel.

Emotions are hard. They are hard to handle and hard to deal with, but whatever you do, DO NOT RUN FROM THEM. They cleanse you, they purify you. They get all the old shit laying around and they GET IT OUT OF YOUR BODY. Just like sweating helps detox the body, I believe expressing emotions in a healthy manner detox's our mind. They are always uncomfortable in the process and if you're anything like me, you look like a total idiot when you are having a full on emotional moment. But do it anyways. You'll feel a difference in yourself down the road.

I can't thank God enough for who he's creating me to be. He finds a way to love me. Everyday, he finds a new way to love me.