Control.

I struggle with control.

There. I finally said it.

I don't why. I really don't. 

Sure, life has thrown tragedy in my face a few times but the control was there before I knew of tragedy. Even as a kid, I was very driven and stubborn.

It's like the illusion of control is apart of my genetic make up. As if it was an issue entrusted into me before I had a choice. 

Lack of trust. Struggling to trust someone or something outside of yourself. 

That's what God has revealed to me as to what a control issue really is.

Life is kind of like a pinball machine if you think about it. You have two buttons to help guide and direct the pinball that is bouncing around, but you actually do not control the ball. You manipulate it to go in the directions you want it to, but you really do not control the ball. The control is only an illusion.

It's a driving force inside of me, this illusion of control. Constantly trying to rid me of my contentment and joy in life.

The other night I was riding with a friend of mine and I found the words 'okay' falling from my lips. "I'm okay." I told her, "I'm finally just okay and that's not a bad thing."

To be okay. To be stagnant. I'm coming to find that it's not horrible. I've always been so driven and controlling of my life that stagnant was never a comfortable place for me before. When I would reach a place of stillness, I would find my sense of control become heightened and I would go out looking for new things, looking for something to keep me moving.

Control isn't necessarily a bad thing. It takes good self control to maintain a healthy lifestyle. A certain amount of control has to be exhorted in so many aspects of our lives, but just like any other thing in life, when it becomes your mechanism to deal with problems, the one thing you depend on to make you feel normal again, it turns into a problem.

For me to say, "I'm okay and that's not a bad thing" is a huge leap for me. It's huge because 'okay' is not exciting. 'Okay' is not fireworks or adventures across the country. It's exactly what it sounds like. It's not being high on something good or swimming in the lows. You're just exactly where you are. Nothing horrible, nothing awesome. 

And that's where I'm finally letting myself be for a while. I'm letting myself float in the sea of 'okay'. I'm letting myself take in the joy and relaxation it has to offer. I'm drinking in the glass of contentment and for the first time believing I do not have to be in control of my life, every waking moment. I'm laying back, closing my eyes, and allowing my mind to be content with that. To be content with being right where I am.

To be in control of yourself and your life at all times is exhausting. You find yourself diving into the sea of over thinking and self doubt. It leads you to many wrestling matches with discontentment and low self-worth. 

It just became too much for me. To not trust anyone or anything other than myself became a lonely road. You can't bottle everything up and only allow yourself to know the hurts and pains you feel. You can't keep all your crazy thoughts and ideas floating around inside of you. They float because they have the ability to fly. You just have to let go of the control and allow them to leave. Those thoughts and ideas may never become anything or help anyone but you never truly know unless you release them.

Having a strong sense of control IS NOT a bad thing. It takes good, strong self control to accomplish the best things in this life. But we have to learn to let go of it at times. We have to be willing to be just 'okay' or sad or happy. We don't always have to be in control. 

I'm finding myself falling back on the one truth that has yet to fail me. The truth that some of the best things are not planned. Planning is another form of control. It's taking your future and it creates a false sense of security that something good and predictable will be waiting for you there. But the truth is that my best memories are things that weren't planned. My favorite encounters with people were the ones I didn't plan to have. 

So maybe control is not all it's cracked up to be. Maybe, just maybe, we can still have a fun, fulfilling life without controlling every direction it takes.