I really wish I could turn it off. I really just want to be this person who gets so lost in her day that before she knows it, the day is over. I want to do better at having days where I do not have plans and I walk out of the house and not look at the clock the rest of the day.
It's hard for me though. It's hard to be that person. Time is apart of who I am and it's hard to walk away from.
The hardest part for me, when it comes to my internal ticking clock, is accepting the fact that other peoples clocks are not on the same time zone as me. When you have this dominating sense of time, you tend to lose patience with the people easily. You forget that they feel time differently than you do and that neither one of you have the "right" timing.
I read an email this morning and in this email these simple words in a prayer were mentioned, "reduce me to love."
I'll be honest with you, that's all I want to do for people. I just want to love them. I want to love them right where they are, for who they are. I want to look them square in the eye and say, "Who you are is enough. Fault lines and all. You're beautiful. And when those fault lines shift and shake your world and mine, I'm still going to love you. I'm still going to want what's best for you."
The most commonly known scripture is 1 Corinthians 13:3-7. People love it because people love love and it's nice to have something to tell you what it's suppose to look like.
If you read this scripture, the very first characteristic used to describe love is patience.
We live in a world where not only do we want it, but we want it now. Hell, we get nervous and antsy when we send someone a text and they don't respond right away (especially in dating. Dear God. We are especially impatient when we are on the road looking for love.)
But love IS patient. Love IS setting our own time clock down and saying, " I'll wait for you. I'll wait for you as you work at your own pace. And if you get ahead of me I hope you love me enough to not rush me. I hope you can give me the time I need."
Reducing yourself to love is not easy, especially when the first thing love gives is patience in a world where patience is a dying breed.
What all this has told me lately is that in order to love people the way you want to love them, you have to let go of your own time clock. You have to let go of that ticking inside of you so that you can love that person or yourself with patience. You can't expect everyone to see things in the timing you see them and you're only hurting yourself and your relationship with that person if you are not willing to be patient with them and allow them to figure things out in their timing. It's not our job to get people on our time clock. It's our job to love and respect their timing and know that you deserve the same in return.
I oddly have to use this same kind of love with myself. I don't like to be behind, I either want to be caught up with everyone or ahead. I'm having to learn this same level of patience with myself. I'm hoping with starting the practice with myself, it will some how manifest itself into my relationships with other people.
It's so hard to be that patient person, though. I hope I'm not alone in this when I say being a patient person feels near impossible. Especially when it's easy to speak of patience and hard to act on it. Patience has become an adjective when it really needs to be a verb.
I believe patience is the first characteristic mentioned when describing love because it's the most important. It's the first thing we have to bite into and commit to, whether we are choosing to love ourselves or other people.
Love is the answer for me and I believe it will win in the end. I can't stop believing it will win in the end.
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