Some Childish Thing Are Not Always Childish

I'll never forget the excitement of being a child at Christmas time. When I was a kid, we would get the JCPenny catalog. The catalog had pictures of clothes, furniture, and toys. I remember my siblings and I going through the magazine and mark all the things we wanted. I can't remember exactly how we did this, whether we had our own colored marker or initialed our names beside the gift. All I remember is doing this for years. As the catalog found it's way into our home, months before the weather was cold enough to even think about Christmas, we would get a turn and go through the magazine with wide eyes and big dreams of marking the things we wanted.

I really don't remember all the things I got for Christmas over the years or if they were from the catalog or not, but I do remember one Christmas really wanting a particular toy. I was probably somewhere around 2nd or 3rd grade. At the time they had these stuffed animals that you could draw on. I remember seeing commercials for it and seeing it in the stores. It took two interest of mine at the time and combined them. That was what I really wanted for Christmas. I remember seeing the presents wrapped under the tree and something inside of me told me that the toy I wanted was there, waiting for me. I never once tried to peek (I actually never tried finding Christmas presents as a kid). Everyday I would walk by the tree and even though there were only boxes wrapped in paper, I knew what I wanted was waiting there for me.

Sure enough, Christmas morning rolled around. I woke up and discovered that what I had known all along was there. What I had asked for had been given to me. What I had hoped for had come true.

I feel like adulthood is similar to waiting for Christmas as a child. Many of us have dreams. Many of us desire certain types of relationships, plane tickets, children, a job we love, etc. Whatever it is that you might be waiting for, it probably feels a lot like waiting for Christmas as a child. Even though it came once a year, it felt like decades before it would arrive. Even if the catalog arrived in September, it felt like a whole other year passed before Christmas arrived and you got to see if what you had asked for was waiting for you.

Waiting is hard. I don't believe it's something that gets easier the older you get. We tell children to wait all the time, as if it's something easy to do, but it isn't. Waiting requires patience. Waiting requires that the answer you have been seeking for so long will finally appear. Waiting requires trust.

I've had a few dreams about my own desires lately. The interesting thing about my dreams lately has been that they each serve the same message. They each have said that timing is a thing. That in order for the gift to fully be given, to be fully appreciated, you have to give it time.

I'm learning, slowly but surely, that when you trust that your desire will be given to you, in the right timing, you get to experience that same anticipation as you did as a kid. It's like walking past that Christmas tree with the gift right in front of you all over again. It's that feeling of knowing that what you have asked for is waiting for you. It's knowing that it would spoil Christmas if you are unwilling to wait. The anticipation, the trusting, the believing is what makes the gift so special.

The toy I got that Christmas, God only knows what happened to it. I'm sure the ink dried to the marker and the stuffing came out of the stuffed animal, but in the end it wasn't about the toy. In the end it was about knowing your desires were heard, it's about knowing that someone cared enough to give you what your little heart desired in the moment. It was about waking up Christmas morning to find out that what you had hoped for was true.

LIFE.

It was a Saturday night as we sat curled up on the couch in the dimly lit room. Hashing out life is our favorite thing to do. When you no longer have enough fingers and toes to count the years of friendship, filters in conversations leave and raw truth always pours out.

It doesn’t seem to matter how long we’ve known each other, one of us always finds ourselves obsessing over a boy.

“He does this and says this, does it mean anything?”

“I think he likes me. He talks me often, but I don’t really know.”

These are things you can only be vulnerable about to your closest friend. You know you can express your thoughts and fears without receiving judgment from the other side.

As I sat in the room and listened to the same questions I have heard time and time again, it hit me.

“What if this is only a speck in your life but you’re turning it into a boulder? What if God is trying to show you something that is bigger than this relationship?”

I’m surprised by what comes out of my mouth sometimes. As I listen to friends talk about their lives, I find myself saying something that I need to hear, too. Truth comes pouring out like a waterfall and I can’t help but drink it in as well.

I see articles and post daily about relationships. Articles talking about what men want, others talking about why women are crazy. We live in a relationship-obsessed culture that tries to sell us this idea that the best thing that could ever happen in our lives is for the perfect someone to fall into it.

So in the midst of smoke from all the spinning wheels, I looked my friend in the eye and said, “ We are quick to think that a relationship will be the highlight of our life, but shouldn’t LIFE itself be the highlight?”

Shouldn't our day-to-day lives be filled with wonder, adventure, and curiosity? Shouldn't we find ways to make fear and joy dance in our stomach together? It really is the best feeling in the world.

I’ve bought a plane ticket for one. I’m flying to Portland, OR in October, solo. This is a huge leap for me, to go to a new city alone. To challenge myself to step outside my own comfort zone and to spend a long weekend only thinking about what I want to do, what I want to experience. I told someone over a year ago that one of my favorite things to happen in life is when I meet a boy who I like and they like me back. It really is a rare occurrence. But when it happens, every little detail is exciting. The way they’ll text me in the middle of the day. Getting so lost in conversation that you hardly realize the bar is closing. A little flutter comes into my chest and I just love that little flutter. As much as I love the flutter, I decided that I did not want to be dependent on another to give me that flutter. I wanted to find a way to give it to myself. So I booked a plane ticket. I haven’t left for the airport yet, I have no idea what I will do in this new city but every time I see the reserved ticket, I feel that flutter.

Relationships are beautiful. They are to be cherished and I look forward to having a romantic relationship one day. It can be one of my favorite aspects in life but I can’t help but breathe a little easier knowing that it doesn’t have to complete me, it doesn’t have to be the peak in life you’ve been waiting for.

LIFE IS THE PEAK.

LIFE IS THE HIGHLIGHT.

Go and find your flutter.

Without You

This life is ours for the taking, girl. It’s ours to wrap in warm blankets and rest in beneath the stars. It’s ours to love and laugh in. 

When we take the reins, yet let go just enough, we find that God has an unconceivable way of taking us exactly where we didn’t know we wanted to go. 

Life slowly falls into place and you slowly only want to think good things about people who walked away.

Respect takes over, it has the winning hand.

Life is moving on without you. I never really knew it could. 

You’re not here but there is still joy, happiness, and freedom with every ounce that I miss you with. Your love filled me once. I carry it with me still. 

May my heart hold on to the good and allow the positives to grow reasons for letting go. 

For when the letting go comes, I want it to be with a smile and tears. A warm embrace and a kiss on the cheek goodbye. 

For this had to be done in order to grow. This had to be done so that new adventures may come. 

May my life find meaning in the joy and swim in the freedom of Christ, but not be killed when hardship and struggles come.

Emotionally High Maintenance

I am not responsible for other people's emotional state. I am not responsible for other people's emotional state. I'm not responsible for other people's emotional state.......

I wrote this repeatedly the other day. It's something I have been preaching to myself for months now. It's a weight and a lie that I have carried on my shoulders for years to think that I am responsible for other people's emotional state.

I am not responsible for other people's emotional state.

It was a harsh reality the day I realized that I was emotionally high maintenance. Having to admit that you are high maintenance about anything is hard (at least for me it is). Having to sit yourself down and confront yourself about the fact that you are a feeler, you feel EVERYTHING. I feel my own emotions. I feel other people's emotions. No matter how I try to fight it, I feel things constantly, which means I carry a lot of emotions daily. When you look up the word "high maintenance" in the urban dictionary the first sentence to describes the phrase is, "requiring a lot of attention". This made me realize that I need more attention towards my emotions. But I didn't need this attention from other people, I needed it from myself. I need to check in with myself daily. I have to make it a weekly habit of sitting down with my laptop or pen and paper and require myself to be honest with where I am.

YOU are not responsible for my emotional state.

I had a beautiful and loving conversation with a good friend a few nights ago. As we each laid our hearts on the table for each other I told her that I didn't think people realize how much I think about them. I think about other people ALL THE TIME. It's insane really. If I were to put a percentage to it, I would say that I think about other people 70% of the time. This is actually an improved number. For most of my life it's probably looked more like 90% for others and 10% for myself.

You are responsible for your emotional state and your emotional state ONLY.

So what happens to a person who is emotional high maintenance but is only thinking about themselves and taking care of themselves 10% of the time? Well, that person puts the responsibility into other people's hands. You placed the responsibility into your hands to take care of everyone else emotions, so wouldn't it only make sense that you look for someone else to take care of yours?

I AM responsible for my own emotional state.

I'm slowly growing to learn that I cannot consume my mind with other people. When I consume my mind with other people I neglect my own emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. I have to believe that the healthiest relationships are developed with healthy people. You can only truly be a healthy person if you are not emotionally dependent on another person. You find yourself getting angry at people less. You take more off their plate and realize that it is NOT their responsibility to take care of you. If you are a full functioning adult, then you are responsible for you, NO ONE ELSE IS.

I am not responsible for other people's emotional state.

I am, however, responsible for my actions towards other people. It's my responsibility to speak love to others. When I am not taking care of my own emotional needs alone, I can be quick to blame people for things that are not their fault. I can be quick to speak truth in anger instead of love. I can be quick to push someone down when they so desperately needed a positive lift.

I am not responsible for other people's emotional state.

Yes, I am emotionally high maintenance. I'm not ashamed to admit that now. I'm emotionally high maintenance but the extra attention needed to manage this can only come from me, no one else. I have to build of lifestyle where self care is a priority so that I can support those who need to be supported. I can love people unconditionally without expecting something in return. Even though I'm not responsible for other people's emotional state, I do believe it is my calling to stand beside people and help empower them to take care of themselves, too. It's a beautiful thing to hand the wand over to someone and say, "I can't make you happy. Only you can and I want to help you do it." It's like helping a child ride a bike. In order for them to learn, you show them what to do, hold onto the bike for a while, and then you let go. You let them fall. You let them get the bruises and the scrapes. Though it kills you to watch them hurt, you know that if you don't let go, they will never learn. If you keep holding on, they will never experience the rush you feel when you coast down a steep hill for the first time all by yourself.

I am not responsible for other people's emotional state and let me just say, THAT IS A GOOD THING.