Fear.

I enjoy hearing stories about how I was as a child. It's interesting for me to hear how I was before I cared what others thought about me. One story that my mom told me in passing at one time is how I was a afraid of dogs when I was little. They bought a dog when I was around 2 years old with the purpose of it helping me over come my fear. I find this very interesting because I'm absolutely obsessed with dogs now. The only reason I do not own one of my own at this moment in time is because I travel too much. Instead of having my own to feed my love, I love on everyone else's dog. Thankfully my roommate has a dog whom I'm madly in love with so I'm able to keep the puppy fever away.

It's fascinating to me when I recall this story of me being afraid of dogs at one point. It's a complete foreign concept that I would ever run from something that brings me so much joy, but that's what fear does. Fear drives us into the opposite direction. It keeps joy at arm distance away with the simple lie that joy will not be found on the other side.

I've come to learn that fear is just a gate keeper. It's the guardian to this unknown territory. It tells us stories of all the bad that could happen if we decide to cross over. It warns us of the mysteries that lie ahead. Though fear can have us trembling and running in the opposite direction, all it really is is a story teller. It stands at the gate with no weapon, no chains to keep us from crossing, just stories. Yet, we stand and listen. We listen and find that our knee's have buckled and we are paralyzed from the waist down. We begin to believe the stories, we begin to believe the lies. The lie that there is no way something good could be waiting for us on the other side.

I wrote a blog about a month ago called Surrender . I wrote about my goal to finally surrender my life and to trust in what's to come. I wish I could give you some poetic story about how I've zenned out and have basically been frolicking through fields of daisies every day, but I haven't. In fact, if you were every wondering what would happen when you decide to give up control be warned that there is a HIGH possibility that you will come to find out just how much of a control freak you really are. You find yourself coming into contact with EVERYTHING you have zero control of. You will find all the unanswered questions standing next to you at a concert and only be able to stand there knowing they will remain unanswered. You will find that your future will become even more blurred and you have to wait for time to reveal each step at a time. Your desires will intensify knowing that there is nothing you can do to satisfy them now.

This is when fear presents itself. Thoughts of the unknown come flooding into your head. You begin to become afraid that this season of your life will never end and find yourself entertaining the thought that God has forgotten about you. That he has forgotten all your prayers over the years. That his mercy has officially run out and your left to fend for yourself.

But these are just stories. Fear is only a story teller and I get to decide what I want to believe. I close my eyes and despite the voice of fear begging me not to cross to the other side, I think about the time I was afraid of dogs. I think about what life would be like if my parents had never bought a dog. I think about how different things would be and how I would miss out on the joy those sweet animals give me on a daily basis.

So I keep walking forward. I find ways to tune out the voice of fear and choose to believe that there is a great chance that the very thing I'm afraid of now is the very thing that will bring me joy later in life.

I get to choose who I want to be right now. I get that freedom and with it I choose to always want good for others, even if the questions will always remain unknown. I will always choose to be in their corner cheering for their good. I choose to trust that the future is a mix of good and bad and despite how hard it is to just focus on one or the other, I choose to look at the whole picture. I choose to cherish my desires and know that the ones that were meant to bring me good will eventually be fed and the ones that will only cause me harm will eventually die from starvation.

I have good days and I have bad days. Some days are easier that others but what I'm coming to find is that the day after my weakest day, I find new strength. I'm able to handle hard days better. I'm able to fight off fear a bit longer than I was able to before.

Daily, I have to remind myself that control is just an illusion. I was never in control in the first place. Daily, I have to find all the good words and promises to keep my head above water.

The truth is that I will never truly overcome fear or the desire of control in this life. It will always be a battle for me, yet I keep fighting because with each little victory I find myself feeling free.

Oh, I love feeling free.

There Are Worse Things Than Being Alone

I get this particular question more often then not.

"Are you seeing anyone or in a relationship?"

I get asked by my students (because they are adorable and sometimes want to know as much about my life as they tell me about theirs). I get asked by doctors, random homeless men in the street, strangers in the elevator.

I really don't know why this question is always asked. Maybe it's because they notice I do not have a ring on my hand, maybe it's just to fill the awkward silence in the room, maybe it's because people just genuinely want to know about my life and that just seems to be the easiest question to ask at times.

My answer is typically, "No, I'm not seeing or dating anyone." Then as if I have just told them the most shocking answer in history, their facial expressions change and I'm thrown with the big question, "Why not?!"

I honestly do not mind having this question. I know for other's who are asked the same question it just depresses them and they just shrug their shoulders and say, "I don't know."

Me on the other hand, well I've decided to have a little fun with my response. You see, I'm about as simple as a Taylor Swift song and as complex as a paragraph written by Ralph Waldo Emerson. So what's a girl to do to keep a response simple, yet show there is more than meets the eye. So my go to response now is this, "there are worse things than being alone."

I LOVE watching people's reactions to this. Their whole demeanor changes. Instead of a sympathetic or confused looked, I change the whole dynamic of the conversation and am met with a little laugh, head nodding, and amen's.

The conversations moves into a different direction and people tend to change the way they look at me. I think it's because what I say is the truth. When I say, "there are worse things than being alone." I see the memories flash before peoples eyes. The heartbreak they had experienced themselves or of someone they love. It reminds people that as wonderful as a relationship can be, it can go to the other extreme and be one of the most traumatic experiences of their life. 

I'm relational by nature and am a huge advocate of having and developing healthy relationships. So when I say, "there are worse things than being alone", I'm in no form or fashion downing or against relationships. I've just come to a place in life when I realized that if I'm going to have a relationship in my life, I want it to means something. I want it to serve a purpose greater than numbing the sting loneliness can bring you. 

I was out with a good friend of mine the other night and I found myself outwardly reflecting on my life as it currently is. Thankfully, she's one of the best listeners I know and openly allowed this verbal monolog to take place in a busy restaurant on a Saturday night. I told her that I had finally come to a place where I realized that if I wanted to spend time with someone, I wanted it to be with people I enjoy. I do not need companionship just to share the same air with someone. If I spend time with someone, it's because I genuinely want to spend time with them. I told her that if no one is available that I would enjoy spending time with that I would just rather be alone. I would rather spend a Friday or Saturday night alone in my room, binging on criminal documentaries than to use someone for their time just so I do not have to be alone. I have finally come to a place in my life where time alone can be just as enjoyable as spending time with another person.

At the end of my rambling, I looked up at my friend and said, "I guess this is what it feels like to be healthy."

To be mentally and emotionally healthy, that is what I have been working so hard for and it felt good to realize that I'm finally there. It feels good to know that all the hard nights I had to spend alone confessing all the things I never wanted to confess to myself finally paid off.  

It's real. This place of finding beauty in being alone and beauty with time spent with just a handful of people. I never knew it truly existed until now.

Valentine's Day is coming up. This holiday is actually my favorite holiday of the whole year. I've spent the majority of my Valentine's Day without a significant other, so it's become a day of celebrating the love I currently have in my life. As I changed the meaning for myself, it has slowly become a holiday I look forward to celebrating. Whether you find yourself in a relationship with someone or not, I hope you choose to spend this day celebrating love with the people you hold tightly. It doesn't always have to be with candy, flowers, or gifts. Sometimes it's as simple as a text, card, or even a big hug. 

I challenge you, if you are one who dreads this day, to make it about something different this year. If anything, make it a way to remind the ones you love that you love them on this day.

And remember, THERE ARE WORSE THINGS THAN BEING ALONE.

HAPPY LOVE DAY EVERYONE!