The Right Time

Today has been so wonderfully. I literally stayed in my pj's on my couch watching Law & Order:SVU ALL DAY! I know, this seems kinda like a pathetic way to spend your day, but for me it was ideal! I have a real bad tendency to have something planned at all times. Whether it's school, work, or something social, my calendar is constantly booked. When I realized that I wouldn't have school or work today, I promised myself that I would spend the whole day relaxing and doing nothing. I'm so glad I did this, it has been so wonderful not having to be anywhere or do anything. I was able to relax and enjoy my day. 


As I tend to do on these blogs, I'm going to write whats been on my mind. Lately I've been thinking a lot about "doing good". It's one of those things that most people strive to do in life and as christians, it's what God tells us to do,"Turn your back on evil, work for the good and don't quit. God loves this kind of thing, never turns away from his friends" Psalm 37:27-28. Lately, I've been finding myself questioning when I do good for others. All it takes is one ridicule from one person to make you question your good actions for other people. I begin to question who I'm suppose to be doing good for. I think things like, "Well I know this will make this person joyful but it might offend this other person, so who am I suppose to do good for?" These kind of thoughts can really trip me up.


Then there are verses like this in Galatians 6:9-10 that say, "So let's not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith." It's easy to weigh down on doing good and over think it. I know the thoughts I was having were only distractions from Satan. God calls us to do good for others and he warns us that we will get tired of doing it at times. That tiredness might come from people looking down on it, people using the good you do to benefit themselves, etc.. The list could go on. But no matter the reason for the fatigued we must not quit for in the right timing, it will all be worth it!

Love Has A Voice, Love Has A Name

So many things have happened over the past two weeks. I have been all over the scale emotionally, mentally, and physically. I could sit here and type everything I thought, felt, and experienced but I really don't have the time to type everything out in detail and I really don't want to re-experience many of the thoughts and feelings again. 


Instead I'm going to talk about where I am now and what happened to get me here. This past weekend I was able to spend time with some very close friends of mine. This time was greatly needed because they are experiencing the same difficulties and struggles I am experiencing. We've all been in this desert for a while. None of us are dating and have zero prospects. We're all pretty awesome women (I know I'm a little biased) and it's not that we need to have a relationship with someone, it's something we desire. We also know it's something the Lord has in store for us. We've all been in this desert for a while now and it's becoming more and more difficult to really understand why we are still here. We know the Lord has made us passionate women who love deeply and the waiting to share this love becomes tiring. 


Recently the Lord placed on my heart to read Ephesians 5. I began reading and realized he is wanting me to focus on Ephesians 22-28 which reads, "For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her  to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. "
I'm a little confused after I read this. I mean, I want to be in a relationship that will eventually lead to marriage, but I'm good with waiting for the marriage part right now, I just want to take one step at a time.


Through out the rest of the day, this scripture kept running through my mind. The one key word that kept ringing over and over is "submission". Then the reaction the Lord had been waiting for me to catch happened, I thought, "Oh, that's going to be difficult for me". 


Let me clarify the word submission. Many woman get bold and stand offish when this word is brought up. But I know the Lord does not mean the word submission to mean "controlling". If you read the whole verse the meaning behind submission is to trust. A wife is to TRUST her husband and follow in the decisions he makes. Again, this can come across as controlling but continue reading and see where the Lord commands the husband to "love [his] wife, just as Christ loved the church." In my opinion the man carries a heavier weight. He has to love his wife so that he can lead her in the way that is BEST for her wants, desires, dreams, needs, etc. Now if you were to meet a man who loves you like this, wouldn't you want to submit and follow him? Especially if he is leading in a way that feeds everything you have ever desired and dreamed of. 


Now that I've clarified the meaning, back to my reaction. Even though the definition of submission is for a good reason in scripture, I still knew that this is not something that comes naturally for me. The Lord then took the context of submitting to a husband away and replaced it with submitting to him. He is my ultimate love, my husband, he only wants good for me. He wants to fulfill all my desires, dreams, wants, needs etc. As many times as he's shown me this I still find myself struggling to submit to him. 


I was discussing this with one of my friends this weekend and I heard myself say what the Lord has been trying to tell me. He's been saying, "If you want a relationship that leads to marriage you need to learn submission. Let me teach you to be submissive. I will show you what this love looks like. I will show you what kind of love deserves submission. TRUST ME. For I love you so much that I've already died for you. Make ME FIRST. Fall more in love with me and you will have everything you have ever wanted and more."


Pretty heavy stuff if you ask me. 


To continue in teaching me and reaffirming to me what he has already told me, I've been listening to Louie Giglio's series called Boy Meets Girl. In this series, he's been reaffirming that in order to have a God filling relationship you need to be in love with Jesus, making him the center of everything you do. I highly recommend watching the series.


So now, I'm feeling better than ever. I have a love with Christ that is everything I could ever want and need. He loves me so much! I just hate that I tend to forget how much he really loves me. But he's still with me, he's still rescuing me, he's still being patient with me. And most importantly, when he looks at me, he's amazed at who I am.

"You hear the cry of every broken heart, You give the hopeless soul a brand new start. This is who You are!"

Last night, I came home from a very long day celebrating the marriage of two wonderful friends! When I came home I was mentally and physically exhausted. Satan had put a problem back into my mind that weighed heavier than it ever has before. It felt so heavy. I couldn't deal with it because I knew there wasn't anything I could do to try and fix it. I'd tried before and it only makes things worse. The problem felt so big it took out what energy I had left. I got into bed around midnight and decided not to set an alarm for church. I just felt so overwhelmed and literally depressed that I didn't think I would have the mental energy to go to church the next day. Though I felt mentally, spiritually, and physically exhausted the cool thing is that I could feel the spirit worshiping inside of me. It says in Romans 8:26-28, "And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.  And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." I could feel this happening inside of me, despite the heaviness I was feeling.


I had decided not to set an alarm and would only go to church if I woke up on my own in time. Well the Lord clearly wanted me there because I woke up right at 9 which was the time I needed to get up to go. When I woke up I could still feel the praise going on in my soul. Despite the heaviness inside of me I remember noticing it and thinking, "well, this is kinda cool." 


I'm so thankful for Godly people who lift us up when we need it the most. I'm also thankful that God is our comforter, he comforts us when we are in need. He also gives up all the "patience and encouragement we need to live in harmony with one another, as is fitting for followers of God." (Romans 15:5). And this, my friends, is exactly what I'm holding onto. There's no more heaviness for me, for things are only heavy when we see them as being bigger than our God.

My heart trembles

"God's glory is on tour in the skies, God-craft on exhibit across the horizon.
   Madame Day holds classes every morning,
      Professor Night lectures each evening.

 Their words aren't heard,
      their voices aren't recorded,
   But their silence fills the earth:
      unspoken truth is spoken everywhere.

 God makes a huge dome
      for the sun—a superdome!
   The morning sun's a new husband
      leaping from his honeymoon bed,
   The daybreaking sun an athlete
      racing to the tape.

That's how God's Word vaults across the skies
      from sunrise to sunset,
   Melting ice, scorching deserts,
      warming hearts to faith.

 The revelation of God is whole
      and pulls our lives together.
   The signposts of God are clear
      and point out the right road.
   The life-maps of God are right,
      showing the way to joy.
   The directions of God are plain
      and easy on the eyes.
   God's reputation is twenty-four-carat gold,
      with a lifetime guarantee.
   The decisions of God are accurate
      down to the nth degree.

 God's Word is better than a diamond,
      better than a diamond set between emeralds.
   You'll like it better than strawberries in spring,
      better than red, ripe strawberries.

 There's more: God's Word warns us of danger
      and directs us to hidden treasure.
   Otherwise how will we find our way?
      Or know when we play the fool?
   Clean the slate, God, so we can start the day fresh!
      Keep me from stupid sins,
      from thinking I can take over your work;
   Then I can start this day sun-washed,
      scrubbed clean of the grime of sin.
   These are the words in my mouth;
      these are what I chew on and pray.
   Accept them when I place them
      on the morning altar,
   O God, my Altar-Rock,
      God, Priest-of-My-Altar."
  Psalms 19


I've had this feeling lately that I can't seem to shake off. I've felt very troubled lately. I've been trying to find the source of this feeling but I can't seem to find it. It just stays, in the middle of my chest, day and night, not wanting to leave. The more I try and analyze it, the more it seems to grow. I've asked God in multiple ways to just take it away or reveal why it's weighing so heavy on me. Yet it just stays. 


I have felt that this weight I've been feeling comes from unfulfilled desires. I feel that many of the desires I have and have always had are still in waiting and now they are becoming weary. They are weary out of fear that they will never be fulfilled, that they will be left to slowly die off. The fear has caused them to awaken and weigh on me, to make me aware of what they fear the most, death. So what does one do in this situation? How do you comfort these desires and take away their fear without giving them proof? I have to feed them scripture. I have to tell them not to fear, for God has made a promise and he always fulfills his promises. No matter what I feel and what my desires cry out for, I have to remind them that God is enough, he can and will sustain those desires. HE will fulfill them. Our pastor at church has been talking a lot about worship and how worship only matters if Jesus is apart of it. The instruments used are worthless and pointless unless God shows up. I think this is the same for the things my heart desires. It's not the situations or things that are fulfilling. They are only fulfilling if God gives you them, if he sets them up. His hand has to apart of it in order to be completely fulfilling. This is what I'm having to lecture to my heart as it tries to fulfill it's desires on it's own. I have to gently tell it no, that it's not a person or thing that will make it happy, but only Christ and Christ alone. For the real desires of my heart are heavier and greater than any person could ever carry. I just have to keep telling it to hold on, hold on, hope is coming.


As I was sitting here writing this blog, I looked onto my desk where I have a verse. It says, "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation, and my God." Psalm 42:11 Despite the reasoning for what I'm feeling and the way it weighs me down I have to hope in God. For in the right timing he will come, he always does. 

Still Here

In the intro to psych class that I do my grad assistant in the professor has been talking about the desire we have to only do things that are acceptable, things that receive a reward or reinforcement of some sort. From young children, we are drawn to act and do things that result in a reward or positive reaction. For example, you know that when you put money into a Coke machine, it will give you a drink. A lot of our behaviors are developed by this need and desire receive acceptance by our actions.

Yes, this is good stuff and even for those who are not psychologist would say, "Yes, I see where this is true." It's not rocket science. But then, the professor added a new twist into this. He stated that we were programed to learn and develop behavior this way, but, Christ asks us to do the exact opposite. Christ tells us that much of what he asks us to do will be reprimanded. So  this desire to only act in a way that is rewarded is of the flesh. But what does God tell us about our flesh? "For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want." Galatians 5:17. "Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life." Galatians 6:8. Well, I'm pretty sure he's telling us here not to listen to the flesh, but to listen to the Spirit. I never thought something like this would be so hard until recently.

I've had a few incidents lately that have taught me that I'm going to be doing what Christ has told me to do but I'm not going to receive positive feedback or positive reinforcement for it from others. It's really hard to do what you know is right but have little support behind what you are doing. The hardest part is how easily you can become discouraged. I've felt a lot of discouragement lately. It's hard to pursue what you love and do what you know is right when you feel discouraged. Then I realized that much of my discouragement comes my need/desire to have other people give me positive reinforcement. I tend to look to others for a positive comment or encouragement because it's extremely helpful for me. The only problem with this is that people are not perfect and they are not always going to encourage the things that God wants us to do. I find myself looking very little for God's encouragement and mostly looking to people for encouragement. This is not good. I believe I've been suffering the consequences that come when you  look for your acceptance in others. You begin to feel low about who you are and who God created you to be. You begin to become self-conscious about what you say and what you do with others. Slowly, you begin to cover who you really are in search for being who everyone wants you to be. I've been under that blanket before and I hated it! I don't ever want to cover up who I am again. Yet, it can be an old habit that can easily be reinstated. 


I'm currently trying to change the way I handle these moments in my life. I'm trying to change my focus and to focus on the promises of God and turn to the Lord for he is merciful and loving. It's just hard at times. But I'm remaining hopeful. The Lord has promised good thing/ GREAT things to happen this year. I've got to trust that he will get me through this valley, he won't leave me alone. 


"He has never let you down, never looked the other way when you were being kicked around. He has never wandered off to do his own thing; he has been right there, listening." Psalm 22:24 MSG


"Starting from scratch, he made the entire human race and made the earth hospitable, with plenty of time and space for living so we could seek after God, and not just grope around in the dark but actually find him. He doesn't play hide-and-seek with us. He's not remote; he's near." Acts 17:26 & 27 MSG