So many things have happened over the past two weeks. I have been all over the scale emotionally, mentally, and physically. I could sit here and type everything I thought, felt, and experienced but I really don't have the time to type everything out in detail and I really don't want to re-experience many of the thoughts and feelings again.
Instead I'm going to talk about where I am now and what happened to get me here. This past weekend I was able to spend time with some very close friends of mine. This time was greatly needed because they are experiencing the same difficulties and struggles I am experiencing. We've all been in this desert for a while. None of us are dating and have zero prospects. We're all pretty awesome women (I know I'm a little biased) and it's not that we need to have a relationship with someone, it's something we desire. We also know it's something the Lord has in store for us. We've all been in this desert for a while now and it's becoming more and more difficult to really understand why we are still here. We know the Lord has made us passionate women who love deeply and the waiting to share this love becomes tiring.
Recently the Lord placed on my heart to read Ephesians 5. I began reading and realized he is wanting me to focus on Ephesians 22-28 which reads, "For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. "
I'm a little confused after I read this. I mean, I want to be in a relationship that will eventually lead to marriage, but I'm good with waiting for the marriage part right now, I just want to take one step at a time.
Through out the rest of the day, this scripture kept running through my mind. The one key word that kept ringing over and over is "submission". Then the reaction the Lord had been waiting for me to catch happened, I thought, "Oh, that's going to be difficult for me".
Let me clarify the word submission. Many woman get bold and stand offish when this word is brought up. But I know the Lord does not mean the word submission to mean "controlling". If you read the whole verse the meaning behind submission is to trust. A wife is to TRUST her husband and follow in the decisions he makes. Again, this can come across as controlling but continue reading and see where the Lord commands the husband to "love [his] wife, just as Christ loved the church." In my opinion the man carries a heavier weight. He has to love his wife so that he can lead her in the way that is BEST for her wants, desires, dreams, needs, etc. Now if you were to meet a man who loves you like this, wouldn't you want to submit and follow him? Especially if he is leading in a way that feeds everything you have ever desired and dreamed of.
Now that I've clarified the meaning, back to my reaction. Even though the definition of submission is for a good reason in scripture, I still knew that this is not something that comes naturally for me. The Lord then took the context of submitting to a husband away and replaced it with submitting to him. He is my ultimate love, my husband, he only wants good for me. He wants to fulfill all my desires, dreams, wants, needs etc. As many times as he's shown me this I still find myself struggling to submit to him.
I was discussing this with one of my friends this weekend and I heard myself say what the Lord has been trying to tell me. He's been saying, "If you want a relationship that leads to marriage you need to learn submission. Let me teach you to be submissive. I will show you what this love looks like. I will show you what kind of love deserves submission. TRUST ME. For I love you so much that I've already died for you. Make ME FIRST. Fall more in love with me and you will have everything you have ever wanted and more."
Pretty heavy stuff if you ask me.
To continue in teaching me and reaffirming to me what he has already told me, I've been listening to Louie Giglio's series called Boy Meets Girl. In this series, he's been reaffirming that in order to have a God filling relationship you need to be in love with Jesus, making him the center of everything you do. I highly recommend watching the series.
So now, I'm feeling better than ever. I have a love with Christ that is everything I could ever want and need. He loves me so much! I just hate that I tend to forget how much he really loves me. But he's still with me, he's still rescuing me, he's still being patient with me. And most importantly, when he looks at me, he's amazed at who I am.
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