Insomnia.

It's 2:30 AM and I'm wide awake.

Not because I want to be.

At 8:30 tonight, I took melatonin and passed. out.

11:00 PM I wake up and have been awake ever since.

I spent the last 3 hours trying to fall back asleep. I even took another melatonin but it didn't work. I'm still awake.

As I laid in bed trying to fall back asleep, my mind has been processing everything that has happened this week.

I thought about the 3 and half hour conversation I had with a friend I've known my whole life last night. I thought about the truth she spoke over me, processing each word.

I thought about my grandfathers memorial service today and how I learned more about him by reading his obituary than I ever learned when he was here.

I asked myself if I should feel bad about not really knowing who he was but then thought about all the other hearts and souls that I know and reminded myself that I can't be everything to everyone. I reminded myself that I can't know every heart that I encounter and that's okay. We were never meant to hold the sky on our shoulders.

Which made me think of Atlas in Greek Mythology, which made me get my computer out and read more about that story.

I thought about beautiful hidden eyes. How his eyes are metaphors to who he is. Oh, I created so many metaphors in my head about his eyes. Many of which I have already forgotten and now I'm regretting not pulling my journal out and writing each one down.

I thought about all the hard conversation that I finally decided to embrace. Which reminded me of how freeing the truth is and how I want to continue to fill my heart with the truth. I want to continue to embrace the truth, even when it makes my skin crawl, even when it makes me feel like an idiot, even when it makes me sick to my stomach. I have found that gratitude and mercy are strong enough to cover any negative emotions that might be stirred up with the truth.

I thought about the woman I want to be become. How I want to be a woman who trust, despite the lies that circled her life for so many years. I want to be a woman who know when to work for something and when to sit back and wait.

Tonight, as I laid in bed thinking about the week I realized something. I realized that I really have no need to worry. I do not have to worry because what is promised will come and all I have to do is enjoy the good that is given to me on a daily bases.

Tonight I found myself holding faith, the size of a pin prick, in my hands and thinking, "Well, at least it's a start."