Why I Stopped Attending Church.

I think it's extremely important to start the post off by stating that I have absolutely NOTHING against the church. In fact, I do love the church. Just like everything in life, there are some churches that encourage people in more of a positive manner and others more in a negative manner. People are people and in their imperfection they create things imperfectly and I have no judgement against that. I can't help but think about the Anne Frank quote I read the other day that says, "In spite of everything, I still believe people are really good at heart." I believe this statement 100%.

Even though I love the church and believe it carries great benefit I decided to stop attending almost a year ago. I reached this decision based on a few reasons:

First, I had a reached a place in my life of pure brokenness. I was broken and I wanted healing. I remember confessing my brokenness to someone and they suggested that I needed to find a church and my initial gut reaction to this remark was "No."

I said no because I wanted to REALLY BREAK. I wanted to face all the truths of my brokenness. I wanted to know why and how I got myself in that place and when church was mentioned as a cure, I knew I couldn't find my healing there. The thought of truly breaking in a way that was truly healing way was terrifying as it is. I had been avoiding it for years, the last thing I wanted to do was break in an ugly, messy way in front of people. I knew myself well enough to know that I would not break in front of people, I wouldn't want that attention.

Again, this nothing against the church, this is just how I am. I know what dealing with broken people is like, I do it every day. Supporting broken people can be an exhausting task and it's easy to want fast healing for someone who is broken. This is because we are human and we were never made to carry the world on our shoulders. Therefore, after a while, we become impatient, we become exhausted from seeing this persons brokenness and many times, we find ourselves turning a corner and walking away because clearly "this person does not really want to heal."

The truth is though, healing is not always an instant thing. It's not something that can happen over night. If you were to ask a doctor what the average healing time for a broken bone in the body, I guarantee you their answer would not be "Oh, just 2 or 3 church services." Healing takes time and being human, we're not always willing to give that time. But it needs time. Healing needs time and patience, something I'm not always willing to give to myself. I needed time to heal and as helpful as people can be, time is not always something they give freely.

I knew I needed healing and time. I also knew the only one who had the patience and the ability to give me both was God. All I needed was him. That's it. I didn't need people. I didn't need a building. I needed Him. 

I have attended church for as long as I can remember. I've heard a million interpretations of what scripture says but it wasn't until this time of brokenness did I realize that I was completely dependent on other people's opinions of scripture. Though I had my own on a few things, I had yet to actively create a lifestyle with my beliefs. I was so busy trying to live my life 'the right way' that I had completely lost site in the relationship aspect. The real, lets get down and dirty, and admit what we truly believe. 

When you find yourself broken, the truth floods out. Your core becomes exposed and that's when you truly find out what you believe. You begin to realize the ins and outs of what you stand for. In my brokenness, I found out that many choices I have made in my life were based on the fact that I thought they were the right choices, not because I really believed them.

This leads me to my second reason why I decided to walk away from church for a while. I needed to learn how to actively live my beliefs outside church walls. I needed to put myself to the test. I needed to walk away from the classroom and find out what I really know and really believe. It isn't until you walk away from the text book do you really learn how to live life. I needed to see myself straight. I needed to see who I am.

Church had become ritualistic for me, a comfort zone. "As long as I get myself up in the morning for church, I can give myself good point. I can tell myself in the low moments 'well, at least you went to church'." 

I didn't want to have this teenage type relationship with God anymore. I didn't want to present a life to God showing him my good stuff and then hide in the corner with shame when I screwed up. I wanted to have a relationship with him knowing that his grace, mercy, and love are not dictated by my actions. 

So, for me, I have decided to walk away from the church doors for a while. It's not out of hate, it's not out of disapproval. This decision was based solely with the intention of growing, interpersonally, with God. I wanted to take things a step further. I wanted to meet God on a mountain, in my room, in my car, on a bridge, in a bar, etc. I basically wanted to find him in every place I find myself in, because he's there anyways, whether I wanted to admit it or not.

This is my season of life for now. God might call me back into another church building one day to further grow me, but until then I'm happy to say that I have seen and experienced God's love more in my day to day life than I did when I was attending church ritualistically. 

I signed up for a 30 day writing class this week. It's terrifying but I want to sharpen my writing skills. As I was reading over the material for the online class I read a portion of the description that described how the class is designed to open up your creative side, to help you find your voice. After I read this I thought, "I can't wait to see how God will use this class so that I can keep finding creative ways to spend time with him."

God does not ask us to just spend time with him in one particular way and that has been the best part of this experience; learning how to create new ways of spending time with God in my day to day life.