Intuition.

I wrote 55 blogs last year.

That is by far the most I have written in a year since I started blogging.

I guess that's what happens when you start paying attention to your thoughts. You find yourself wanting to write down as much as you possibly can. I'm thankful for the 55 blogs I wrote last year. It's like a photo album of words for me. I get to go back and read through old thoughts and feelings. I'm a sentimental person and I love going back and revisiting how an event/person made me feel.

Today I found myself lost in my head again. That's what happens when a lunch date is canceled and you don't have any other reason to pull yourself off the couch and away from a Netflix's binge.

As I binged on Friend's episodes and Criminal Minds, I found my mind wondering away from time to time. It would wonder to questions, questions that have been floating in my head for a while. They have floated to questions that I feel I have the answer to, but there is no evidence to confirm the answer. All I have is my intuition.

For those who do not know me well enough, I have an extremely strong and extremely accurate intuition. Close friends who have a scientific mindset are always baffled and very skeptical of my intuitive nature but are always dumbfounded when my intuition ends up being spot on (I have witnesses to testify to this).

Here's the thing about my intuition, I have a history of not trusting it. Not because it's not trust worthy, but mostly because A. I don't like what it has to say, so I become a 16 year old teenager and find every reason under the sun to prove it wrong or B. I jump into a scientific mindset and place arguments thats say there is no proof to what I think it's telling me.

Yet, despite the many battles I have had with it, time always comes to pass and the next thing I know these old familiar words fall out of my mouth again saying, "Yeah, I had a feeling this would happen" or "I already knew, I just needed it confirmed."

As I would zone in and out of Netflix's episodes, I found myself investigating my intuition, trying to make sense of questions I already think I have the answers to.

Here's the problem I typically run into. I find myself thinking best case scenario and worst case scenario, using fear induced thoughts to prepare myself for whatever the answer might be.

FEAR INDUCED THOUGHTS.

I realized this tonight, I realized that I tend to think very fearful thoughts as to prepare myself for whatever the end result might be.

Here's the thing though, it doesn't matter what I tell myself, what my intuition says, what evidence is sitting at the surface. No matter what scenario's I think of, time is the ultimate teller and whatever is to come to pass WILL come to pass.

Even if the answer is not what I want, I can't totally prepare myself for it. It's either the answer I want or it isn't. Either way, I realized that feeding fear does absolutely nothing for me. It will not take the disappointment and heart break away if it's not what I want. If it is the answer I want, then I feel like an idiot for not trusting and for worrying.

So, here's my goal for the year. I want to use less and less of fear and worry as my coping mechanism for the unknown. I want to stop worrying about the things I do not hold the answers to.

The truth is that TRUTH can never stay hidden. It will come to the surface. I will feel a reaction to the truth, whether that reaction makes me feel like I'm walking on water or I want to curl up in my bed for a full day, I don't know.

All I know is this. My intuition has a high accuracy rate and I have to do a better job in trusting it.
No matter what, I will have the strength I need to handle the truth, for the truth might not always be what we want, but it sets us free. It takes the weight we need away and we will feel light and free in the end.

I'd rather have the truth and be free, even if it means having to face something I don't want to face. If 2014 taught me anything it taught me this : I am stronger than I give myself credit for. The more truth that is washed over me, the happier I am.

So whatever the truth may be. Even if it means my intuition will lose a little credibility by being wrong. I will be okay. Beautifully okay.