Dear Future Daughter

Dear Future Daughter,

It blows my mind that I'm writing you this letter right now. The thought of having a child at this point in my life is mind boggling and if I'm being honest, terrifying. I really don't even know if you'll even really exist one day or if you'll be of my own blood or if you've been chosen by my son to be in our family or if someone made the greatest sacrifice that anyone could ever make and allowed you to be mine. I have no idea what the future holds. All I know is that while at the gym this morning, while changing out of my sweaty gym clothes, words came flooding over me for you. 

Instead of moving on with the rest of my day as if nothing happened, I decided to sit down and organize these words to the best of my ability.

When the words came flooding in so did emotions. I have to tell you that I was overwhelmed with the amount of love I felt for you. It's a love unlike any other. I've heard many parents describe this feeling when they talk about seeing their child for the first time and if what I felt is a reflection of this kind of love I have no doubt they are right when they say "there is nothing in this world like this feeling". I'll tell you what baby girl, there isn't.

I'll be honest, to even get the smallest glimpse of this level of love is terrifying. It's terrifying because I could already sense the power it has to change you. It can and will change you because as soon as our eyes meet, I will do anything in my power to make sure no one ever hurts you. It's a love so deep, so complex, that you could easily lose sight of yourself in order to be sure that no one even pricks that heart of yours.

But here's the thing, love. Someone will prick that heart. Some one will scratch it and possibly break it. It doesn't matter how tight I wrap you into my arms, someone will get a hold of that heart and possibly hurt it. When that day comes, when you realize the power you allowed someone to have over you and they abused it, want you to know how proud I am of you. Because it doesn't matter the amount of mistakes you make, it doesn't matter how much you screw up or who you let take advantage of you. I know that heart of yours, I know the weight of gold it carries, and I will always, always be proud of who you are. 

Because that's what I want for you. I want you to be YOU. I want you to know that the only expectation I have is that you be EXACTLY who God created you to be. You don't have to be anything different for me. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to be successful. If I had to choose a preference, the only thing I would want for you is to be able to look in the mirror and love the pearly eyed girl you see staring back.

But there will be them days when you look in the mirror and you're not sure who is staring back at you. You won't be sure if you love what you see and it will almost become a reflex to keep from staring too long. It's ok, baby girl. That's apart of life and apart of this thing we call living. We won't always like what we see in the mirror but guess what, you'll always, ALWAYS, have the power and choice to change. You don't always have to be this girl you detest in the mirror. You have the choice to be who ever you want to be. 

But if you're going to change be sure you're changing for you and you alone. A boy should never ask you to change for him. A friend should never ask you to change for them. I should never ask you to change for me. You change because YOU want to change. 

Be enough for yourself. When you're enough for yourself, the people you are enough for will stick around and believe who you are is enough too. 

I couldn't help but think of your strength. Honey, you are apart of a family of women who could carry the weight of the world with the amount of strength they have (and trust me, we try to). You are capable of accomplishing ANYTHING you set your mind to. It doesn't matter if no one has ever tried it in our family. If you want to try it, go for it, my love. 

Relationships. Oh, baby girl. You'll find all types of relationships in this life. What's important to know is that the ones worth keeping will never expect much from you but will always give freely. These are the ones you pour your heart and soul into. There will be times when you want to be a little of everything for everyone, but this will only bleed you dry. Always be willing to give but be sure you are being filled too.

Boys. Let's talk about them. You are a girl full of love and you will want nothing more than to give that love to someone one day. Just don't ever let them define your worth or value. Boys will belittle you to make you into what they want you to be. They will only come around when they want you and leave when something better has come along. A man will stick around when he's ready to commit to you and leave when he knows he can't give you what you deserve. A man will look into the depth of your heart and call you out in the most loving way possible. You won't even be able to be mad because he will be so loving about it the only thing you'll want when you walk away is to be a better person. You will want nothing more than to be a whole person for a man like that. You will find yourself loving yourself better and taking care of yourself better because he wasn't afraid to tell you the loving truth. I'm not with your dad right now and I have no idea who he is at this point in life, but I already know that he's a man that I love and respect more than anyone else on this planet. 

If these words today are any prediction of the future, here's what I really want to tell you: I love you more than I'll ever be able to say, but I plan to tell you more than you'll need to hear. I want to be sure that my positive words out weigh my negative words. Words are so powerful. I hope I never forget that with you. People might say that I overly praise you or overly build your confidence but the truth is that this world is harsh and will tear you down in a heart beat. The last person you need tearing you down is me. 

I can't wait to learn about you and see what you have to teach me. Your mind is so beautiful and I want to be sure and take as much time as possibly to see what you have to teach me.

Even though my intention are true and I love you more than I could ever imagine, life is full of distractions and I will not always take the time that is needed to listen to you. There will be moments I let pass by because I was lost in my own problems of the day. There will be days when I forget to tell you how much I love you. I hope you always have room in that big heart to forgive me for the lost moments. I hope you grow to see my humanness and know that as badly as I want to be everything for you, I can't. I hope I'm always willing to confess these mistakes to you. Even if you're just 5 years old, I hope I never stop saying sorry and confessing when I mess up. I'm human, just like you little dove, may we be able to hold each other hands and never allow our mistakes to keep us far apart.

You are not apart of my plan for life right now but if I have learned anything in the 27 years of life I have lived (and being the planner that I am) that the BEST things are not planned. Even if you come into this world unplanned, I want you to know that as soon as I hold you into my arms I'll know that I could have never wanted anything else in this life.

With more love than you could ever know,

Your Future Mother.

You Have Permission

You have permission to feel the way you feel. Whether what you feel is accurate or not, you're feeling. You're allowing people and events into your life. This is good. This is beautiful. Please, don't stop.

You have permission to screw up. All of us live a life of trying to balance. We get distracted, we work too hard, we run into glass doors because we're took busy looking at our phones. Stop beating yourself up over your mistakes. Say your sorry, forgive someone, forgive yourself. Once you've wiped the tears from your eyes look forward and start walking.

You have permission to dance a ballad with the ghost of your past. They will always be apart of you. Whether your memories are good or bad they played a part in who you are today. You loved them, you hated them, but in the end you grew. Give yourself permission to dance a song of gratitude to this person, you wouldn't be where you are today without their influence.

You have permission to be angry.

(I need to write this again)

You have permission to be angry.

You have permission to take risks. Even if rejection is almost guaranteed, take it. Your value is not weighed on the number of people who reject you. Only you have the power to weigh your value.

You have permission to be vulnerable, to break the rules, to cry, to laugh, to dance, to run, to write, to listen, to talk, to think.

Stop thinking you do not have the right or freedom to be who you are, because you do.

Don't be afraid to give yourself permission to do something lovely for yourself, to say something that boost your ego. You deserve it. Your opinion matters. It's ok to say positive things to yourself. Maybe that should be the first thing you give yourself permission to do.

Imagine the weight of believing your own positive words and learning to pour them onto yourself. Just imagine the ripple effect that could have in your life.

You have a God who gives you freedom everyday, knowing it could be used in the wrong way. Yet, he thought it worth while to give it to us anyways. Lets not go another day wasting this beautiful gift.

Give yourself permission to live in freedom. It's worth it.

The Past

I think about certain things and certain people way more than I ever truly want to confess. I replay old conversations, interactions in my head. I think of things I could have done differently. I think of different things I could have said.

I then think about how my change in reaction would have affected the other person and their reaction or response. Of course, in these controlled illusions, my change of behavior changes their behavior, making everything better. The end result is different. The problem is solved, hugs and kisses are offered, a relationship continues and grows, phone calls are made, etc. Most of the time, these fantasy scenarios end up playing into a bad, corny ending that is equivalent to a Lifetime movie. Despite the fact that I know the scenarios are only a fantasy in my head, it brings me a superficial sense of peace and it becomes enough for me. It becomes a satisfying coping mechanism.

Until reality pops back in and I realize my fantasy is just that, a fantasy. The wind blows, awakening me to realize that I am in whatever moment, living the results of what really happened. It's hard to stay there, to live in the reality of the choices you or another person made.

Denial has always been my favorite coping mechanism in the past. I'll just pretend things weren't as bad as they really were. I'll just pretend I didn't say those hurtful things. I'll just block out the fact that what that person said shattered me to my core.

For me to STAY in the painful truth was just too painful. So I would create different scenarios in my head, making the pain more manageable in my head. But you know what I have learned? It doesn't change the past and it doesn't change the future. All it does is leave you with a superficial feeling that is only temporary.

Facing the truth has been hard, but it's something I work everyday to do. No matter how hard it is, how ugly it is, how uncomfortable it is. Their is something filling about the truth, something more permanent. The truth brings more tears, sleepless nights, and pain, but the beautiful thing about it is that once you go through the hardness and thorns of the truth, you come out on the other side stronger and free.

You are free at the end.

I still find myself fantasizing about different scenarios, because I'm a dreamer and a thinker and it's just apart of my brain. The only difference is that I'm now finding myself being less dependent on them as a way to bring me comfort. I'm slowly learning to allow the emotions that come with the truth to flow freely and I'm finding my heart healed, not broken, but healed.

Vivid Dreams

We were waiting for a table. All I can remember is that we had been waiting for a while. We were with people we know well and love deeply.

We sat conversing about the worries of our day. The things we love, the things we hated. I remember hearing your laughter fill the room and the way you grabbed my hand. God I love the way you grab my hand.

I'm not even sure what came out of my mouth. It was a moment where I said exactly what was on my mind without allowing the words to go through a filter.

I remember seeing the biggest grin on your face. You then looked me in the eye and told me you loved me.

People were all around us and in this moment all I could see was you, across from me, holding my hand.

I remember breaking eye contact, looking down, putting my hair behind my ear, and not being able to control the smile that was spreading across my face. 

I didn't say it back, I was too busy soaking in your words and trying to remember if I had told you that a man had never said those words to me before.

You didn't seem to mind that I didn't say it back. You just kept smiling at me, holding my hand.

Finally, the wait was over, we had a table. As everyone began to walk to the table, we lagged behind. I became aware that there wasn't enough room for us at the table so I began to walk back to the hostess table, to correct the number. That's when you paused, looked at me, and said you didn't want biscuits, you wanted steak. Then you left.

In a blink of an eye it wasn't us at the restaurant anymore, it was just me.  

You left and I was pissed. "Why didn't you just tell me." I began to scream in my head, as I stared off into the now empty space that once held your body.

 "All he had to do was tell me. We would have gone for steak. We could have gone where he really wanted to go. Why wasn't he just honest. That's all I want is the truth."

I began to walk to our next destination by myself. I left all the people we love behind to enjoy their meal. I had to be alone, I didn't want everyone to see the hurt in my eyes, I didn't want them to worry. I just needed to be alone.

I walked into a crowded venue still furious. I wasn't mad that you left, I was mad that you didn't tell me what you truly wanted.

It was shoulder to shoulder with people. I pushed my way through the crowd until I found a random opening. The opening had two empty tables with four empty chairs at one and two empty chairs at another. I went for the table with four empty chairs. Two people arrived at the table at the same time I did, but right as I was going to give them the table they walked away. I sat down at the table planning to wait for I knew more people were coming, but for some reason I got up and left.

I began to walk the streets alone. For once my thoughts were not running. I listened to my breathing as I walked the cold streets. I watched as my breath showed itself right before me. It's amazing how something so present in your life can be forgotten, until you are in the cold. I heard each foot step on the pavement, I felt the contraction of muscles in my legs.

I walked back into the venue to find you with panic in your eyes. You had been looking for me, thinking you had lost me.

When I saw you in the crowd, you began to push people out of the way to get to me. You were so worried, all I could sense was this deep, deep worry. And just like that, as if a switch had been turned inside of me, I wasn't angry with you anymore. My heart filled with love because you came back.

I grabbed your hand and led you through the crowded room outside so that we could talk. 

You propped yourself up against the wall, lowering yourself as to have better eye contact with me. You are too tall to stand straight and talk to me. Your gesture says you are equal with me, never looking down on me. I wouldn't let go of your hand.

I leaned up against you as you were babbling about your worries. 

In the continuing nonsense, I placed my hand onto your face, doing my best to absorb all the worries from your mind. I would try and correct your crazy thoughts, but there is just something about the way you always speak your mind that keeps me from stopping you. I let the gibberish continue on. I let you tell me how you worried something had happened to me, you worried I might have left with someone else. 

I wasn't even annoyed with your paranoid thinking. I just kept looking at you, smiling at you. 

I finally shushed you, reassuring you that I have never been the type to go home with a stranger and that I wouldn't start now.

I looked you in the eyes, I watched as worry left and relief came flooding in. 

"Just tell me what you want. Please, just tell me what you want. Always tell me the truth." I whispered to you.

You smiled and said, "Okay."

You've Always Had it.

Living less broken, that's how I choose to live.

To not live life as if the pieces are missing, as if I have lost worth, as if I've lost value.

To accept the pain of the holes, to accept anger, to accept sadness. 

It's in the acceptance that healing begins. It's in the reality of the ragged truth that love is found.

Love. The one you longed for from him. The one you worked so hard for. It's been here, dear. You've been capable of giving it to yourself all along. 

He was never meant to give you something you already had. You've always had it. 

Dreams and Whiskey

We spoke of dreams. Dreams of homes, adventures, and people. We laughed because we knew money is scarce, yet we sat in the kitchen feeling as if we had all the treasures the world has to offer us. As if hard work and time would give us all the pennies we need to go all the places we want to go.

We wrapped our fingers around glasses of whiskey and filled our hearts with endless possibilities. It was in this moment that I felt alive. I felt my heartbeat, I felt the inhale of air and heard the exhale. It was in this moment that I was fully living in the moment. My mind didn't run wild into the future we spoke of. I didn't have to lasso my thoughts, forcing them to stay.

I didn't wish for anything different. I didn't wish for anyone or anything to be added to this moment. 

No regrets of the past, no regrets of the present. I was just there.

I felt contentment for where I am in my life. I wasn't fantasizing of what needed to be different. I wasn't looking at my imperfections, creating ways to fix them. For once, everything felt as it should.

If I could wish one thing for my life, I'd wish for a life over flowing with these moments. Because these moments are filling and beautiful and what this here crazy life is all about.