The Past

I think about certain things and certain people way more than I ever truly want to confess. I replay old conversations, interactions in my head. I think of things I could have done differently. I think of different things I could have said.

I then think about how my change in reaction would have affected the other person and their reaction or response. Of course, in these controlled illusions, my change of behavior changes their behavior, making everything better. The end result is different. The problem is solved, hugs and kisses are offered, a relationship continues and grows, phone calls are made, etc. Most of the time, these fantasy scenarios end up playing into a bad, corny ending that is equivalent to a Lifetime movie. Despite the fact that I know the scenarios are only a fantasy in my head, it brings me a superficial sense of peace and it becomes enough for me. It becomes a satisfying coping mechanism.

Until reality pops back in and I realize my fantasy is just that, a fantasy. The wind blows, awakening me to realize that I am in whatever moment, living the results of what really happened. It's hard to stay there, to live in the reality of the choices you or another person made.

Denial has always been my favorite coping mechanism in the past. I'll just pretend things weren't as bad as they really were. I'll just pretend I didn't say those hurtful things. I'll just block out the fact that what that person said shattered me to my core.

For me to STAY in the painful truth was just too painful. So I would create different scenarios in my head, making the pain more manageable in my head. But you know what I have learned? It doesn't change the past and it doesn't change the future. All it does is leave you with a superficial feeling that is only temporary.

Facing the truth has been hard, but it's something I work everyday to do. No matter how hard it is, how ugly it is, how uncomfortable it is. Their is something filling about the truth, something more permanent. The truth brings more tears, sleepless nights, and pain, but the beautiful thing about it is that once you go through the hardness and thorns of the truth, you come out on the other side stronger and free.

You are free at the end.

I still find myself fantasizing about different scenarios, because I'm a dreamer and a thinker and it's just apart of my brain. The only difference is that I'm now finding myself being less dependent on them as a way to bring me comfort. I'm slowly learning to allow the emotions that come with the truth to flow freely and I'm finding my heart healed, not broken, but healed.