It blows my mind that I'm writing you this letter right now. The thought of having a child at this point in my life is mind boggling and if I'm being honest, terrifying. I really don't even know if you'll even really exist one day or if you'll be of my own blood or if you've been chosen by my son to be in our family or if someone made the greatest sacrifice that anyone could ever make and allowed you to be mine. I have no idea what the future holds. All I know is that while at the gym this morning, while changing out of my sweaty gym clothes, words came flooding over me for you.
Instead of moving on with the rest of my day as if nothing happened, I decided to sit down and organize these words to the best of my ability.
When the words came flooding in so did emotions. I have to tell you that I was overwhelmed with the amount of love I felt for you. It's a love unlike any other. I've heard many parents describe this feeling when they talk about seeing their child for the first time and if what I felt is a reflection of this kind of love I have no doubt they are right when they say "there is nothing in this world like this feeling". I'll tell you what baby girl, there isn't.
I'll be honest, to even get the smallest glimpse of this level of love is terrifying. It's terrifying because I could already sense the power it has to change you. It can and will change you because as soon as our eyes meet, I will do anything in my power to make sure no one ever hurts you. It's a love so deep, so complex, that you could easily lose sight of yourself in order to be sure that no one even pricks that heart of yours.
But here's the thing, love. Someone will prick that heart. Some one will scratch it and possibly break it. It doesn't matter how tight I wrap you into my arms, someone will get a hold of that heart and possibly hurt it. When that day comes, when you realize the power you allowed someone to have over you and they abused it, want you to know how proud I am of you. Because it doesn't matter the amount of mistakes you make, it doesn't matter how much you screw up or who you let take advantage of you. I know that heart of yours, I know the weight of gold it carries, and I will always, always be proud of who you are.
Because that's what I want for you. I want you to be YOU. I want you to know that the only expectation I have is that you be EXACTLY who God created you to be. You don't have to be anything different for me. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to be successful. If I had to choose a preference, the only thing I would want for you is to be able to look in the mirror and love the pearly eyed girl you see staring back.
But there will be them days when you look in the mirror and you're not sure who is staring back at you. You won't be sure if you love what you see and it will almost become a reflex to keep from staring too long. It's ok, baby girl. That's apart of life and apart of this thing we call living. We won't always like what we see in the mirror but guess what, you'll always, ALWAYS, have the power and choice to change. You don't always have to be this girl you detest in the mirror. You have the choice to be who ever you want to be.
But if you're going to change be sure you're changing for you and you alone. A boy should never ask you to change for him. A friend should never ask you to change for them. I should never ask you to change for me. You change because YOU want to change.
Be enough for yourself. When you're enough for yourself, the people you are enough for will stick around and believe who you are is enough too.
I couldn't help but think of your strength. Honey, you are apart of a family of women who could carry the weight of the world with the amount of strength they have (and trust me, we try to). You are capable of accomplishing ANYTHING you set your mind to. It doesn't matter if no one has ever tried it in our family. If you want to try it, go for it, my love.
Relationships. Oh, baby girl. You'll find all types of relationships in this life. What's important to know is that the ones worth keeping will never expect much from you but will always give freely. These are the ones you pour your heart and soul into. There will be times when you want to be a little of everything for everyone, but this will only bleed you dry. Always be willing to give but be sure you are being filled too.
Boys. Let's talk about them. You are a girl full of love and you will want nothing more than to give that love to someone one day. Just don't ever let them define your worth or value. Boys will belittle you to make you into what they want you to be. They will only come around when they want you and leave when something better has come along. A man will stick around when he's ready to commit to you and leave when he knows he can't give you what you deserve. A man will look into the depth of your heart and call you out in the most loving way possible. You won't even be able to be mad because he will be so loving about it the only thing you'll want when you walk away is to be a better person. You will want nothing more than to be a whole person for a man like that. You will find yourself loving yourself better and taking care of yourself better because he wasn't afraid to tell you the loving truth. I'm not with your dad right now and I have no idea who he is at this point in life, but I already know that he's a man that I love and respect more than anyone else on this planet.
If these words today are any prediction of the future, here's what I really want to tell you: I love you more than I'll ever be able to say, but I plan to tell you more than you'll need to hear. I want to be sure that my positive words out weigh my negative words. Words are so powerful. I hope I never forget that with you. People might say that I overly praise you or overly build your confidence but the truth is that this world is harsh and will tear you down in a heart beat. The last person you need tearing you down is me.
I can't wait to learn about you and see what you have to teach me. Your mind is so beautiful and I want to be sure and take as much time as possibly to see what you have to teach me.
Even though my intention are true and I love you more than I could ever imagine, life is full of distractions and I will not always take the time that is needed to listen to you. There will be moments I let pass by because I was lost in my own problems of the day. There will be days when I forget to tell you how much I love you. I hope you always have room in that big heart to forgive me for the lost moments. I hope you grow to see my humanness and know that as badly as I want to be everything for you, I can't. I hope I'm always willing to confess these mistakes to you. Even if you're just 5 years old, I hope I never stop saying sorry and confessing when I mess up. I'm human, just like you little dove, may we be able to hold each other hands and never allow our mistakes to keep us far apart.
You are not apart of my plan for life right now but if I have learned anything in the 27 years of life I have lived (and being the planner that I am) that the BEST things are not planned. Even if you come into this world unplanned, I want you to know that as soon as I hold you into my arms I'll know that I could have never wanted anything else in this life.
With more love than you could ever know,
Your Future Mother.
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