Vivid Dreams

We were waiting for a table. All I can remember is that we had been waiting for a while. We were with people we know well and love deeply.

We sat conversing about the worries of our day. The things we love, the things we hated. I remember hearing your laughter fill the room and the way you grabbed my hand. God I love the way you grab my hand.

I'm not even sure what came out of my mouth. It was a moment where I said exactly what was on my mind without allowing the words to go through a filter.

I remember seeing the biggest grin on your face. You then looked me in the eye and told me you loved me.

People were all around us and in this moment all I could see was you, across from me, holding my hand.

I remember breaking eye contact, looking down, putting my hair behind my ear, and not being able to control the smile that was spreading across my face. 

I didn't say it back, I was too busy soaking in your words and trying to remember if I had told you that a man had never said those words to me before.

You didn't seem to mind that I didn't say it back. You just kept smiling at me, holding my hand.

Finally, the wait was over, we had a table. As everyone began to walk to the table, we lagged behind. I became aware that there wasn't enough room for us at the table so I began to walk back to the hostess table, to correct the number. That's when you paused, looked at me, and said you didn't want biscuits, you wanted steak. Then you left.

In a blink of an eye it wasn't us at the restaurant anymore, it was just me.  

You left and I was pissed. "Why didn't you just tell me." I began to scream in my head, as I stared off into the now empty space that once held your body.

 "All he had to do was tell me. We would have gone for steak. We could have gone where he really wanted to go. Why wasn't he just honest. That's all I want is the truth."

I began to walk to our next destination by myself. I left all the people we love behind to enjoy their meal. I had to be alone, I didn't want everyone to see the hurt in my eyes, I didn't want them to worry. I just needed to be alone.

I walked into a crowded venue still furious. I wasn't mad that you left, I was mad that you didn't tell me what you truly wanted.

It was shoulder to shoulder with people. I pushed my way through the crowd until I found a random opening. The opening had two empty tables with four empty chairs at one and two empty chairs at another. I went for the table with four empty chairs. Two people arrived at the table at the same time I did, but right as I was going to give them the table they walked away. I sat down at the table planning to wait for I knew more people were coming, but for some reason I got up and left.

I began to walk the streets alone. For once my thoughts were not running. I listened to my breathing as I walked the cold streets. I watched as my breath showed itself right before me. It's amazing how something so present in your life can be forgotten, until you are in the cold. I heard each foot step on the pavement, I felt the contraction of muscles in my legs.

I walked back into the venue to find you with panic in your eyes. You had been looking for me, thinking you had lost me.

When I saw you in the crowd, you began to push people out of the way to get to me. You were so worried, all I could sense was this deep, deep worry. And just like that, as if a switch had been turned inside of me, I wasn't angry with you anymore. My heart filled with love because you came back.

I grabbed your hand and led you through the crowded room outside so that we could talk. 

You propped yourself up against the wall, lowering yourself as to have better eye contact with me. You are too tall to stand straight and talk to me. Your gesture says you are equal with me, never looking down on me. I wouldn't let go of your hand.

I leaned up against you as you were babbling about your worries. 

In the continuing nonsense, I placed my hand onto your face, doing my best to absorb all the worries from your mind. I would try and correct your crazy thoughts, but there is just something about the way you always speak your mind that keeps me from stopping you. I let the gibberish continue on. I let you tell me how you worried something had happened to me, you worried I might have left with someone else. 

I wasn't even annoyed with your paranoid thinking. I just kept looking at you, smiling at you. 

I finally shushed you, reassuring you that I have never been the type to go home with a stranger and that I wouldn't start now.

I looked you in the eyes, I watched as worry left and relief came flooding in. 

"Just tell me what you want. Please, just tell me what you want. Always tell me the truth." I whispered to you.

You smiled and said, "Okay."