Breaking up with 'Knowing'

From May 2013- May 2014, my world has rocked all over the place.

Many changes.

Some good, some bad.

The one thing that has remained consistent, the one thing that has stayed by my side this year has been the unknown.

You see, as silly as it might sound, school had been the only thing I had known up until May of last year. I had a goal. A BIG GOAL. It had a name, it had a face, and it had a finish line. It led me to different towns, different people, and it opened my mind in ways it would have never been opened if I had never gone on the journey. We were close, 'knowing' and me. We grew to know each other, I knew what it looked like, it's behavior, what to expect, etc.

Then, just like that, 'knowing' was gone. 'Unknown' came riding in, like a savior on a horse. Pumped to be with me, excited that it finally had a chance to go on an adventure with me. It had a mystery to it unlike 'knowing', it had an excitement that was enticing at first. So much energy, so much life, making you fall for it pretty quickly.

'Unknown' had this way of making you forget about 'knowing' pretty quickly. It had this charm and edge that makes you want to go, to dive into it's dark mystery.

Time passes, the charm of 'unknown' starts to wear off. You begin to see that 'unknown' doesn't have answers like 'knowing' did. 'Unknown' is absolutely unpredictable, I could predict 'knowing'. 'Knowing' never fell from it's path, it's curves were predictable, it always stayed in it's set boundaries.

'Unknown' didn't have boundaries. It claimed it did, but they were in the dark and you just couldn't see them.

I wanted 'knowing' back. I needed it back. I knew 'knowing', I knew it so well, I had so much comfort in knowing. As exciting as it was to start something new with 'unknown', 'unknown' made things way too uncomfortable. I grew to hate it, I wanted it gone.

"Go back where you came from 'unknown', I want 'knowing' back. I need 'knowing' back!"

I tried running from unknown, but it just ran beside me. I found a piece of 'knowing', a little piece of itself that it had left behind. I hugged it, hugged it tight. Tried to convince 'unknown' that it was apart of us. It needed to stay.

That little piece fell through my fingers, just like I knew it would. Because the thing with 'knowing' is that you can't form it into anything else, you can't convince yourself that it's suppose to stay, for 'knowing' does not lie. It only knows truth.

Last night, I had one of the best conversations with my roommate. We were discussing this new phase of life, comparing it to the old, and discussing the bits and pieces of it that we wanted to keep.

Being in school for as long as we were, being in a relationship with 'knowing' for as long as we were, we became friends with 'goal'. For 'knowing' is best friends with 'goal'. Losing 'knowing' meant we lost 'goal' too.

Here I am, one year down the road. I've ran into more bumps in the road with 'unknown'. I've tripped, fallen, screwed up, lost, cried..... all because of 'unknown'.

Today, as I sit here and write about 'unknown'. I'm coming to see how much I have tried to push 'unknown' away. I haven't wanted it, it didn't bring me what I thought it would. But yet, when I allow myself to sit still and look 'unknown' in the eye, I'm beginning to see it in a different light.

You see, 'unknown' has a hard job. It has to come across charismatic, fun, adventurous, for people to first take him in. If they really knew the process, no one would ever adventure into 'unknown'.

But despite the bumps and bruises along the way, 'unknown' has been so good to me. 'Unknown' needed to strip parts of 'knowing' from me. 'Knowing' had begun to build a box around me, keeping me safe inside, away from harm. 'Unknown' knows that you can't grow in a box. 'Unknown' knew I wasn't made to be in a box.

'Unknown' knows that 'knowing' does good things for us, but it also knows that you can't survive on 'knowing' alone. You need 'unknown' too. And if you can make it with 'unknown', you can make it through anything.

So I'm choosing to break up with 'knowing'. I'm keeping the good of 'knowing' and throwing off the parts I've used as a security blanket, a safety net. I'm throwing off my safe guards and making myself vulnerable to 'unknown'. For as I look at 'unknown', I see the dirt beneath his fingernails, his unshaved face, matted hair, and the biggest grin on his face. He offered adventure and fun when I first met him. At first I thought he lied, I didn't see this as fun at first. But I'm beginning to see it. I now know why he has wrinkles around his eyes, why he shows off his scars so proudly. It is through 'unknown' that 'knowing' came into existence. 'Unknown' is the creator of 'knowing'. He knows that in order to know you have to allow the bumps and bruises. You have to allow the scrapes, the falling, without it 'knowing' will never come, will never exist. He knows his edginess creates something beautiful, therefore, he will always have this glow about him, he will always be happy to see you. He doesn't expect you to understand, he won't expect you to like it, but he knows what you're making. He doesn't always know what he's doing but he will do anything to help you get there, to get to the good.

'Unknown' isn't afraid, so why should I be?