Breaking.

This morning I had a friend, whom I love dearly, text me. She said something along the lines of saying she was on the verge of falling apart, she just couldn't keep it together, and asked that I pray for her.

I immediately started praying and then went back to a few nights before, when I found myself on the floor again. Teary eyed and limp muscles.

I was breaking again, but this time I asked for it. I knew I needed it. I felt the pain rise in my chest again, I felt it come to the surface but nothing was coming out.

No tears. No screams. Nothing.

I am here to tell you, what's worse than having pain rise to the surface is not being able to let it out.

So I pulled out my journal and began to write about how frustrated I was with this feeling and not being able to express it.

I finally broke. Maybe it was my prayers and the begging and pleading that came with them, but I broke and it felt so good.

It felt so good to cry to scream, to have snot running out of my nose (not something very many people confess everyday, right?) to have mascara running down my face.

I fell to the floor, as the hard grieving took place.

If I have learned anything about myself recently is that when I love, I love hard. Therefore, the grieving is going to be just as intense, just as hard.

As everything drained out of me, it was there in the floor that I felt lighter. I was able to get the nasty, the yuck right out of me, and I felt so much lighter. Light enough to get off the floor, puffy eyed and all.

So when my friend texted me this morning, this is what I said to her, "Oh love, as soon as I saw the text I started [praying]. If you need to, cancel your plans for the morning or afternoon. Go into a room, shut the door and just break love, just allow everything in you to fall apart. Lay in the floor, cry. Sometimes we need to break to straighten up, to reset. Don't be a afraid of it, maybe it's what you need right now. Don't worry, pain isn't always a bad thing."

Pain isn't always a bad thing........ Breaking isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes it's just the thing you need to reset and continue to grow to your fullest strength.

To anyone who reads this, I really hope you come to find no shame in breaking. It's a hard lesson to learn and I'm fighting to believe it everyday, but I know in my heart it's what we need. We need to be willing to break, to hurt.

Call a friend, text a friend, pray, read scripture, read poetry, have Bright Eyes blaring as loud as your stereo will allow the deepness of that mans brokenness to go. I know it's hard. I know it hurts, but it's so good. It's good.

Even though I could still feel the dull pounding of the pain and the empty cavern that once held it become more hollow, I couldn't have felt more relieved.

I felt alive. 100% percent alive. And so much lighter.