What do you want? What do YOU want?!

Today I was watching The Notebook. It got to the part where Allie is about to go confront Lawn and she gets into a fight with Noah. Noah looks at her and repeatedly asks her, "What do you want? What do YOU want!?"

Allie just continues to stare at him, teary eyed, and no response.

Isn't that the typical scene for most women? A man might look at you and with a voice that sounds like it could carry you for miles, for there is that much strength in it. His sea glass eyes staring at you in a way that penetrates your very soul and he asks you, "what do you want?".

And we just stand there. Stand there, praying that the eyes who are searching our very soul can find the answer. Praying that the answer will come flying out of our mouth. Praying the jewels of what we want will begin to swiftly flow from our mouth, without hesitation, and with the confidence of a thousand soldiers.

But they usually don't. Our response if usually like Allie's, we avoid the question.

A few months ago, I found myself in a situation where I needed to express my needs. I was feeling a bit uncomfortable about something and needed clarity, along with feeling like I needed to express what I needed in the situation.

I called a friend of mine and was telling her about the situation. As we were discussing the situation I told her, " I just want to be sure my insecurities are not the ones driving these needs I'm feeling."

The conversation never took place and I'm so glad it didn't. Ever since I realized that I needed to identify my needs, all I've been able to say over and over again to myself is, "Girl, what do you want? What do YOU want?!"

I've been asking myself this for months. MONTHS. Trying to figure out what. I. want.

Yesterday, I was walking through the grocery store. I was looking for Parmesan cheese and garlic cloves when it hit me. It hit me in the soup aisle out of all places..... I want to be happy.

Just like that, right beside the chicken broth.

 I WANT TO BE HAPPY.

Don't we all? Don't we all just want to be happy?

I then realized that my journey to discover happiness. My race to find it, hold it, and keep it for good has been a self destructive path. For I have been looking for it through other things and other people.

If I had had that conversation, if I had expressed my needs at the time, my original concern would have been accurate. I would have been feed an insecurity that needs to be starved. I would have been asking someone to do something, to keep feeding my insecurity, and they would constantly had to do what I asked. As soon as they stopped, my anxiety would be back, my discomfort would come back.

I can't feed my happiness through other people, I can't put someone in that place. They will never fulfill it because they were never made to do that.

I have to do it myself. I have to dive into this heart of mine and find happiness within myself. It's there. It's always been there.

The hardest part is learning to be patient. Learning to know what's gold and what's junk inside this heart of mine. Rid of the junk, keep the good.

It's a process. A long process. But I know it will be worth it. It will be worth it for the day when those sea glass eyes of yours look into my heart, when that voice of yours comes barreling over me, sweeping me off my feet, making me weak in the knees. The words coming out will be truth and it won't feed my insecurity. It won't be fuel for me to sustain my self confidence or self esteem. It will be love and I will see it, and most importantly of all, I will believe it.