"She hates the sound goodbyes make."

Tomorrow is the last day at my internship. I cannot begin to express how sad I am about this. My experience at LFO High School has exceeded my expectations! I've grown to not only love the students but the staff as well. It's crazy how things turn out. At the end of May, I had it set up to do my high school internship at Heritage High School. The counselor I was planning to work with was having a baby over the summer but was still planning on being back in time for school. Even though it was set up, I still had a feeling something was going to change. Sure enough, I got an email the last week in July that she had changed her mind and was going to take a longer maternity leave. Everything in me wanted to freak out but I decided that freaking out wasn't going to help me and that it just meant the Lord had a better placement for me. Two weeks later a friend strongly recommended that I contact the counselor at LFO.

I like when I'm right about certain things and I'm glad I was right about not allowing myself to freak out. I was definitely right about the fact that the Lord had a better placement for me. I've met so many people through this internship. Some of the relationships will last, others won't. Either way, I'm grateful for each person I met. I had good surprises, unexpected surprise, and interesting experiences. But no matter what took place I'm walking away feeling as if I've grown more as a person.

Tomorrow is going to be really tough because I hate telling people goodbye. I've already talked to some of the student I've been working with since I started and it really was heart breaking for me to tell them goodbye. I've been so surprised how much I've grown to care about these crazy teenagers. It's weird how you can get caught up in their daily soap boxes. I find myself genuinely asking them about their drama and wanting to know what's going on. I'm gonna miss those crazy kids.

Even though I have to say goodbye and it really sucks, I'm so thankful that this experience has confirmed that I'm doing what the Lord has called me to do. I know many people do not find their calling this early in life so I'm beyond grateful that I have found it and I get to pursue it!

Next semester I'll be at Cloud Springs Elementary. It's going to be different working at an elementary school, but I'm looking forward to the experience. Plus, next semester is my LAST SEMESTER! Ah! I'm getting one step closer to finishing which puts me one step closer to feeling like an adult! :-)

simul iustus et peccator

Wooooow..... It has been soooo long since I've written a post.

So much has happened since I last wrote in June. I'm not going to go into detail of how the past months have been, but I will tell you that I'm not going to complain about them. The Lord is always good to me no matter what. Tonight, as I was driving home from class the Lord reminded me of his goodness. Satan has been constantly trying to discourage my heart lately and so tonight I decided to fight it off with some encouraging music. It was so amazing as I was listening to Matt Redman sing "10,000 Reasons". My heart began to over flow with the feeling of God's goodness. I was so overwhelmed with the feeling that I just wanted to jump up and down, dance, and scream. It reminded me of how God is good and how he doesn't know how to be anything but good. He lifted my spirits tonight and I'm so thankful for it!

I feel like the main theme of the past months for me is trusting God. Completely and totally trusting him. Right now I have The Message version of Matthew 19:26 thats says, "No chance at all if you think you can pull it off youself. Every chance in the world if you TRUST God to do it." I read this everyday, yet I still find myself trying to make certain things happen or not trusting God to pull through for me..... yeah, I'm weak. It's amazing though when I finally let go, even though it just last for a moment, God sprinkles a little light of goodness onto me.

I want to end with something I had posted onto an earlier blog. I love this and it was definitely a huge reminder for me, I hope you enjoy it :-)

RELIGION: My self-view swings between two poles. If and when I am living up to my standards, I feel confident, but then I am prone to be proud and unsympathetic to failing people. If and when I am not living up to standards, I feel insecure and inadequate. I’m not confident. I feel like a failure

THE GOSPEL: My self-view is not based on a view of my self as a moral achiever. In Christ I am “simul iustus et peccator”—simultaneously sinful and yet accepted in Christ. I am so bad he had to die for me and I am so loved he was glad to die for me. This leads me to deeper and deeper humility and confidence at the same time. Neither swaggering nor sniveling.

LOVE. Part 1

Tonight, I was reading my bible. I try to read before I go to bed on most nights. I usually pick it up and go to where I feel the Lord is leading me to read. Tonight I decided to just open to the place I had the book mark tab in and just read. I opened to Mark 12. As I read, I came to Mark 12: 28-31 which reads, "One of the teachers of religious law was standing there listening to the debate. He realized that Jesus had answered well, so he asked, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?” Jesus replied, “The most important commandment is this: ‘Listen, O Israel! The Lord our God is the one and only Lord. And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.” (NLT)


AfterI read this I thought, "Well if God commands us to love him and others, then I guess it's important to look at his definition of love in order to carry this out." So I turned to the ever popular verse of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 which reads, "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud  or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.  It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.  Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."


I gave you the whole verse, but I'm going to be honest, I stopped reading in the third word of the first sentence that read "patient". Who knew such a word could carry so much weight.


If tells us that the most important thing for us to do is to love God with all our heart, soul, mind, strength, AND to love others as well, then he's asking us to be PATIENT with all our, hearts, souls, minds, strength, AND with others. 


It's so easy brag about the time spent with God, going to church, etc. But what I got from this passage is that what God really wants us to do is to love Him with everything we have and by his definition of love, apart of loving him is being patient with Him with all our hearts, soul, mind, and strength. 


I will confess that I do not show God this kind of patients, yet he still loves me unconditionally. I will be the first to tell you that I will happily share what I have done for the Lord quicker than being patient with Him when things don't go as I planned them. God shows me so much love and so much patience and I hate to say that I do not give it back very freely in return.


The beauty of God's love is that he does not need us to give Him love, He's fine without it, but He does want us to love Him, because he knows it's what will bring us the most joy and fulfillment. 


After moving past the reality of the first word in describing love, I knew I would find that I do not live and love God in the other ways he describes love. But this motivates me to want to be this way, to want to love him with all my heart, soul, mind, strength, and others in the way he tells us to. And the cool thing is that I can! He models this kind of love with me everyday!


I have more that I would like to share about being patient with God and the other descriptions he gives to help us know what he means by love but I am exhausted so part 2 of this blog will come at a later time......

"You are good when there's nothing good in me."

God has been so good to me lately!

This month has been a whirl wind. There have been so many things that have taken place that has really had my emotions all over the board. Despite all the tragedies and illnesses, God has really shown his light of love on me over the past week and I am so grateful for it!

Today I was listening to a song and a line in the song said, "When my faith is getting weak and I feel like giving in, You breathe into me again."Near the beginning of May I started having allergy issues. It was kind of odd for me because I never really have allergy issues. It started out with the typical drainage and stuffy nose. Then I completely lost my voice. I hated this with a passion. I didn't really realize how much I use my voice until it was gone. Along with the loss of voice came a very annoying cough that would flare up at night as I was trying to go to bed. My voice stayed gone for almost 2 weeks. The whole time my voice was gone, I felt fine, just sounded horrible and was exhausted due to the cough that would keep my up at night. Finally my voice started slowly coming back and my nose was clearing up. Then the drainage started back and my throat started swelling. I was so mad! I thought the issues were leaving, but no, it turned into a sinus infection which forced me to go to the doctor (I really hate going to the doctor). I get the anti-biotics and for the first time I had a drain of energy. It took me about 2 days to get all my energy back. The swelling in my throat took about another week to finally disappear but the annoying cough was still hanging out.

All I had left was the cough and by this time I was so over my body acting crazy. I stay pretty healthy and hardly get sick so having these kind of issues for about a month was really weighing on my patience. But I was finally getting better and the cough wasn't keeping me up at night so I was glad to finally be getting back to normal when we received the tragic news that my 11 year old cousin had died. Needless to say, this was a tragedy for everyone in my family and anyone who knew this precious girl. It's been hard for me to process this death. For about 2 weeks I was completely scattered in my thinking. A death of a child is different from the death of an adult and I didn't know how to process the situation. I was 13 when she was born, so I remember holding her as a baby and have watched her grow up. I honestly pray no one ever has to experience something like this. It really is life's greatest tragedy.

So I went from dealing with the frustrations of an illness to dealing with a tragedy. Then, just to add the cherry on top, we had a group project that needed to be done in one of my classes (side note: Graduate school and group projects do NOT go hand in hand very well). Not only did we have to present on a topic, but we had to go, together, to something that was different from our culture and spend at least 3 hours there. Well we had set a day to go, which really was a nightmare to plan since everyone works during the week and I work weekends. But I'm usually off on Sundays so we had set a time for a Sunday. Well, as my luck would go, they just so happen to schedule me for the Sunday we had planned for and EVERY SINGLE ONE of my co-workers who were not scheduled was out of town. This was my breaking point, I just lost it. I hate crying and don't do it often, but this made me cry. I was so frustrated with how everything had been going and I was in need of something to chill me out. I called a friend, cried, and vented my frustrations. That same week I also met with another wonderful Godly friend of mine who really just help lift my spirits. This was my turning point.

Ever since the encouragement of my wonderful friend, God kept sending people who are encouraging and uplifting into my path. For the past 2 weeks I have been around people who have made me laugh, who have spoken positive things over me, and who have encouraged me. God knew that this was exactly what I needed. As the lyrics I posted early stated, I was at a point where I felt I was at the bottom, I felt like darkness was the only thing surrounding me, and then, just as I thought I couldn't make it any further, God just breathed life into me.

I look back and think, how silly for me to doubt that God would come through. But it's really not silly, it's just how we learn and grow in faith. If God gave us everything we needed right when we asked it, we would become immune to his goodness and not grow in faith. For faith is believing without seeing. If we always saw what God was doing, we would have no faith and God wants us to have it. For it says in 1 Corinthians 13:13 that three things will last forever: faith, hope, and love. I believe God mentioned faith because it's a vital character for us to have. And the truth is, we can't build faith if we can always see what God is doing.

I'm happy to report now that my health is back. I am now more appreciate of it than I was before. My family is still in need of your prayers as we go back to our day to day lives. It's been tough and it's going to continue to be tough for those who were around her on a daily bases. But I'm already seeing how God's goodness is shining through such a tough situation. And lastly, we got our group project done and it ended up being a good thing that we didn't go on a Sunday because where we wanted to go would have been closed. So in the end, God was good through it all. I've appreciated all the love and support I've received from so many people! I really am blessed beyond comprehension.

Pulling Heart Strings

God really loves to get my attention and certainly knows how to. It's really not that hard of a task (most of the time). All he has to is have a hurting person pass me by and I'm all ears. 


God been doing this more and more lately. He's been finding ways to pull at my heart strings. The biggest issue has been Satan because as soon as God pulls at my heart string, Satan throws something else at me to distract me. But I've reached the point that I'm tired of the distractions, I'm ready to embrace what God has in store for me to do.


I can't completely blame Satan for my lack of persistence, I have a hand in the issue as well. I can easily become overwhelmed with what I'm called to do and tend to doubt myself and my capabilities. I'm taking this class called Social and Cultural Diversity. It's exactly as it's labeled, it's a class on many social and cultural issues. I'm reading a book on racial identity and one of the issues it has pointed out is the fact that White people have many privileges over people of color. I can't argue with this because I know I've never been discriminated against in my whole life due to my color. How this came about and how it's still fueled is a completely different discussion, but one thing the author said is, "with privilege comes great responsibility". That really pulled a heart string on me. Here I am, an educated woman, with a voice that can be heard, and I tend to spend the majority of my time in the shadows. 


Tonight in class we discussed the issue of Human Trafficking. It really is an issue that has always pulled at my heart string because I have a huge heart for women, especially adolescent girls. This whole issue had more than one heart string pulled. The professor for this course a sex addict counselor. He told us that many of the clients he has worked with over the years has stated that they go for vulnerable women, and they can sense these types of women with no problems. They go for women who clearly do not have a voice. Same goes for the children and women who are abducted into human trafficking. They are children and women who have been scoped out, whose vulnerability was visible..... they want the ones who do not have a voice.


Here I am. 24 year old graduate student. I have been well taken care of my whole life. I've been given the opportunity for education, I've been given a voice. My insecurity and self doubt has been the only thing keeping me silent. I want to over come this. I want to be a voice for those who do not have a voice. God has filled me with so much of his love, all I want to do is pour it out so that others can feel and know that there is so much more to this world than heartless people. It's going to require self sacrifice. It's going to require work. God knows I'm not at this place yet but it's becoming very clear to me that he's been working with me on this.


I really have no clue where God wants me or what direction he wants me to go in helping people. If I had it my way I would want to help anyone and everyone that has ever experienced injustice and/or needs love. But it's time I start stepping out of my comfort zone and doing something. 


Tonight I signed up to attend the Greater Chattanooga Coalition Against Human Trafficking meeting. It's a free event on June 7th from 11:00-1:30. I don't know if this is the direction God wants me to take but I feel like it's a good step on stepping out of my comfort zone. 

I wanna shine and I wanna fly just to tell you now, it'll be alright.

As I sat down to write this blog, millions of things came to mind to write about. Trying to narrow down what was important and what was just random thoughts were hard. Then I kept thinking about this article I read yesterday. It's called Summers Are For Seeking Christ. 


For those who see my Facebook or Instagram you are well aware of my love for summer. My last blog talked about my love for summer as well. So I think I've made it very clear how much I love this time of year. Sorry if you're over my enthusiasm for this season but I might as well warn you that it's not going to end, I'm still going to be declaring my love ALL summer! It just brings out the best in me and I'm not going to hold it in.


Back to the article, there is a quote from John Piper in this article that says, "God made summer as a foretaste of heaven, not a substitute. If the mailman brings you a love letter from your fiancé, don’t fall in love with the mailman. That’s what summer is: God’s messenger with a sun-soaked, tree-green, flower-blooming, lake-glistening letter of love to show us what he is planning for us in the age to come." Oh this just made my heart so happy! I've always loved the summer but I've never thought of it as a taste of what God has in store for us! The article warns against the distractions of this season and how it can cause us to lose focus on the One who truly matters. It's a really good article and I recommend reading it. 


This summer feels different from last summer. Last summer I was working 60 hours a week doing in home counseling. I love helping people but by last summer I was burnt out and vaguely remember truly enjoying anything last summer. Don't get me wrong, I had some great times last summer but my heart, mind, and soul were so tired. If you go back to the blogs I wrote last summer, you'll see how God was attempting to grab my attention and turn my heart into a new direction. 


I read another article yesterday about C.S Lewis's books and how he wrote a story about a boy whose greed and self centeredness turned him into a dragon. Near the end of the story the boy meets Aslan who tells the boy to undress and jump into a spring. The boy knew he meant to take off the dragon skin before jumping in. The boy attempted 3 times to remove his skin but each time he looked at his skin and knew it wasn't good enough. Finally Aslan assisted the boy and this is what the boy said, "'And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feelings the stuff peel off. … Well he pulled the beastly stuff right off — just as I thought I’d done it myself the other three times, only they hadn’t hurt — and there it was lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobly looking than the others had been. And there was I, as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been.' Then with velvet paws, Aslan picks him up and placed him in the water, healing him, breathing on him, clothing him and finally sending him back to the other characters in the story."


The article goes onto explain the meaning C.S Lewis was portraying by this story. Much like this story, God has been putting me through this skin peeling process (metaphorically, not physically). He's stripping me of all the things in my life that I've tried picking off myself but it takes Him cleansing me of these things completely for it to really work. 


Last summer I had those unnecessary layers of skin and this summer I have this new healthy fresh skin! I'm just so thankful for all God has and continues to do for me. My love for this summer is directly correlated to the love and mercy God has so graciously poured upon me. I just hope this love and mercy will become contagious. I'm more than happy to dance this dance alone, but it's more fun when others are involved :-)

It's the little moments that count

I love this time of year. May, June, and July are my favorite months of the whole year! I love how the sun feels as it hits my skin the second I walk outside. I'm taking a May class right now that requires me to sit inside from 1:30-3:45. During this class I just sit and dream about being outside hiking, running, swimming... really anything that does not require being indoors. And as much as I usually enjoy my drive to Cleveland it really is just a tease for me now. As I ride with the windows down, I usually have my arm on the window seal where I can feel the wind along with the rays of sunshine. As much as I enjoy getting to experience the sun on my arm, it really makes me crave the sun even more. I really can't describe the feeling I receive when I get to be out in the sun doing something other than work or school. Today as I was driving I had the windows down, my hair blowing into knots (not complaining, it's totally worth it), and the sun delicately teasing me with it's dancing rays when I saw rain clouds up ahead. As I drove closer to the coming rain shower I was reminded of another delicacy that comes this time of year, the smell of fresh rain. I don't know if I've just been so busy over the past couple of years or what but today was the first time in years that I inhaled the aroma of a summer shower. It really was the most wonderful moment. The sun rays were finishing their last movements before the storm interceded as an intermission, only a few specks of water were falling to the ground, and the temperature was perfect. It was in this moment that I realized that this season is the only season that could make me love the rain as much as I love the sun. I just wanted to pull the car over, go to an open field somewhere and stand in the rain. I feel as if this season is a season of refreshing for me. Everything that once was seen as a nuisance or unpleasant will be seen in a different way, things will be given a new light. I feel as if there is going to be a new light in my mind, a new way of seeing life. What was once just seen as an ordinary hot summer day is now going to have a new spark to it. I am beyond ready for this. I'm ready to embrace the little moments such as my drive home today and enjoy my favorite time of year!

"I" know the plans

Many have come to know this verse, "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11. It's a wonderful verse and it's one that I hold onto deeply everyday. It helps to remind me that God is for me and has great things in store. Last night I woke up at 2:30 am and I couldn't go back to sleep til around 4. While I was laying in bed trying to go back to sleep this verse came into my mind. When it came into my mind i noticed something I haven't noticed before. It's says, "I know the plans" it doesn't say he knows and he will tell us, it just says he knows the plans. Sometimes I find myself getting frustrated because I don't know what lies ahead but this verse is telling me to trust God, because He does know. He knows therefore I don't need to and just trust in what he knows.

The Right Time

Today has been so wonderfully. I literally stayed in my pj's on my couch watching Law & Order:SVU ALL DAY! I know, this seems kinda like a pathetic way to spend your day, but for me it was ideal! I have a real bad tendency to have something planned at all times. Whether it's school, work, or something social, my calendar is constantly booked. When I realized that I wouldn't have school or work today, I promised myself that I would spend the whole day relaxing and doing nothing. I'm so glad I did this, it has been so wonderful not having to be anywhere or do anything. I was able to relax and enjoy my day. 


As I tend to do on these blogs, I'm going to write whats been on my mind. Lately I've been thinking a lot about "doing good". It's one of those things that most people strive to do in life and as christians, it's what God tells us to do,"Turn your back on evil, work for the good and don't quit. God loves this kind of thing, never turns away from his friends" Psalm 37:27-28. Lately, I've been finding myself questioning when I do good for others. All it takes is one ridicule from one person to make you question your good actions for other people. I begin to question who I'm suppose to be doing good for. I think things like, "Well I know this will make this person joyful but it might offend this other person, so who am I suppose to do good for?" These kind of thoughts can really trip me up.


Then there are verses like this in Galatians 6:9-10 that say, "So let's not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith." It's easy to weigh down on doing good and over think it. I know the thoughts I was having were only distractions from Satan. God calls us to do good for others and he warns us that we will get tired of doing it at times. That tiredness might come from people looking down on it, people using the good you do to benefit themselves, etc.. The list could go on. But no matter the reason for the fatigued we must not quit for in the right timing, it will all be worth it!

Love Has A Voice, Love Has A Name

So many things have happened over the past two weeks. I have been all over the scale emotionally, mentally, and physically. I could sit here and type everything I thought, felt, and experienced but I really don't have the time to type everything out in detail and I really don't want to re-experience many of the thoughts and feelings again. 


Instead I'm going to talk about where I am now and what happened to get me here. This past weekend I was able to spend time with some very close friends of mine. This time was greatly needed because they are experiencing the same difficulties and struggles I am experiencing. We've all been in this desert for a while. None of us are dating and have zero prospects. We're all pretty awesome women (I know I'm a little biased) and it's not that we need to have a relationship with someone, it's something we desire. We also know it's something the Lord has in store for us. We've all been in this desert for a while now and it's becoming more and more difficult to really understand why we are still here. We know the Lord has made us passionate women who love deeply and the waiting to share this love becomes tiring. 


Recently the Lord placed on my heart to read Ephesians 5. I began reading and realized he is wanting me to focus on Ephesians 22-28 which reads, "For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her  to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. "
I'm a little confused after I read this. I mean, I want to be in a relationship that will eventually lead to marriage, but I'm good with waiting for the marriage part right now, I just want to take one step at a time.


Through out the rest of the day, this scripture kept running through my mind. The one key word that kept ringing over and over is "submission". Then the reaction the Lord had been waiting for me to catch happened, I thought, "Oh, that's going to be difficult for me". 


Let me clarify the word submission. Many woman get bold and stand offish when this word is brought up. But I know the Lord does not mean the word submission to mean "controlling". If you read the whole verse the meaning behind submission is to trust. A wife is to TRUST her husband and follow in the decisions he makes. Again, this can come across as controlling but continue reading and see where the Lord commands the husband to "love [his] wife, just as Christ loved the church." In my opinion the man carries a heavier weight. He has to love his wife so that he can lead her in the way that is BEST for her wants, desires, dreams, needs, etc. Now if you were to meet a man who loves you like this, wouldn't you want to submit and follow him? Especially if he is leading in a way that feeds everything you have ever desired and dreamed of. 


Now that I've clarified the meaning, back to my reaction. Even though the definition of submission is for a good reason in scripture, I still knew that this is not something that comes naturally for me. The Lord then took the context of submitting to a husband away and replaced it with submitting to him. He is my ultimate love, my husband, he only wants good for me. He wants to fulfill all my desires, dreams, wants, needs etc. As many times as he's shown me this I still find myself struggling to submit to him. 


I was discussing this with one of my friends this weekend and I heard myself say what the Lord has been trying to tell me. He's been saying, "If you want a relationship that leads to marriage you need to learn submission. Let me teach you to be submissive. I will show you what this love looks like. I will show you what kind of love deserves submission. TRUST ME. For I love you so much that I've already died for you. Make ME FIRST. Fall more in love with me and you will have everything you have ever wanted and more."


Pretty heavy stuff if you ask me. 


To continue in teaching me and reaffirming to me what he has already told me, I've been listening to Louie Giglio's series called Boy Meets Girl. In this series, he's been reaffirming that in order to have a God filling relationship you need to be in love with Jesus, making him the center of everything you do. I highly recommend watching the series.


So now, I'm feeling better than ever. I have a love with Christ that is everything I could ever want and need. He loves me so much! I just hate that I tend to forget how much he really loves me. But he's still with me, he's still rescuing me, he's still being patient with me. And most importantly, when he looks at me, he's amazed at who I am.

"You hear the cry of every broken heart, You give the hopeless soul a brand new start. This is who You are!"

Last night, I came home from a very long day celebrating the marriage of two wonderful friends! When I came home I was mentally and physically exhausted. Satan had put a problem back into my mind that weighed heavier than it ever has before. It felt so heavy. I couldn't deal with it because I knew there wasn't anything I could do to try and fix it. I'd tried before and it only makes things worse. The problem felt so big it took out what energy I had left. I got into bed around midnight and decided not to set an alarm for church. I just felt so overwhelmed and literally depressed that I didn't think I would have the mental energy to go to church the next day. Though I felt mentally, spiritually, and physically exhausted the cool thing is that I could feel the spirit worshiping inside of me. It says in Romans 8:26-28, "And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.  And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." I could feel this happening inside of me, despite the heaviness I was feeling.


I had decided not to set an alarm and would only go to church if I woke up on my own in time. Well the Lord clearly wanted me there because I woke up right at 9 which was the time I needed to get up to go. When I woke up I could still feel the praise going on in my soul. Despite the heaviness inside of me I remember noticing it and thinking, "well, this is kinda cool." 


I'm so thankful for Godly people who lift us up when we need it the most. I'm also thankful that God is our comforter, he comforts us when we are in need. He also gives up all the "patience and encouragement we need to live in harmony with one another, as is fitting for followers of God." (Romans 15:5). And this, my friends, is exactly what I'm holding onto. There's no more heaviness for me, for things are only heavy when we see them as being bigger than our God.

My heart trembles

"God's glory is on tour in the skies, God-craft on exhibit across the horizon.
   Madame Day holds classes every morning,
      Professor Night lectures each evening.

 Their words aren't heard,
      their voices aren't recorded,
   But their silence fills the earth:
      unspoken truth is spoken everywhere.

 God makes a huge dome
      for the sun—a superdome!
   The morning sun's a new husband
      leaping from his honeymoon bed,
   The daybreaking sun an athlete
      racing to the tape.

That's how God's Word vaults across the skies
      from sunrise to sunset,
   Melting ice, scorching deserts,
      warming hearts to faith.

 The revelation of God is whole
      and pulls our lives together.
   The signposts of God are clear
      and point out the right road.
   The life-maps of God are right,
      showing the way to joy.
   The directions of God are plain
      and easy on the eyes.
   God's reputation is twenty-four-carat gold,
      with a lifetime guarantee.
   The decisions of God are accurate
      down to the nth degree.

 God's Word is better than a diamond,
      better than a diamond set between emeralds.
   You'll like it better than strawberries in spring,
      better than red, ripe strawberries.

 There's more: God's Word warns us of danger
      and directs us to hidden treasure.
   Otherwise how will we find our way?
      Or know when we play the fool?
   Clean the slate, God, so we can start the day fresh!
      Keep me from stupid sins,
      from thinking I can take over your work;
   Then I can start this day sun-washed,
      scrubbed clean of the grime of sin.
   These are the words in my mouth;
      these are what I chew on and pray.
   Accept them when I place them
      on the morning altar,
   O God, my Altar-Rock,
      God, Priest-of-My-Altar."
  Psalms 19


I've had this feeling lately that I can't seem to shake off. I've felt very troubled lately. I've been trying to find the source of this feeling but I can't seem to find it. It just stays, in the middle of my chest, day and night, not wanting to leave. The more I try and analyze it, the more it seems to grow. I've asked God in multiple ways to just take it away or reveal why it's weighing so heavy on me. Yet it just stays. 


I have felt that this weight I've been feeling comes from unfulfilled desires. I feel that many of the desires I have and have always had are still in waiting and now they are becoming weary. They are weary out of fear that they will never be fulfilled, that they will be left to slowly die off. The fear has caused them to awaken and weigh on me, to make me aware of what they fear the most, death. So what does one do in this situation? How do you comfort these desires and take away their fear without giving them proof? I have to feed them scripture. I have to tell them not to fear, for God has made a promise and he always fulfills his promises. No matter what I feel and what my desires cry out for, I have to remind them that God is enough, he can and will sustain those desires. HE will fulfill them. Our pastor at church has been talking a lot about worship and how worship only matters if Jesus is apart of it. The instruments used are worthless and pointless unless God shows up. I think this is the same for the things my heart desires. It's not the situations or things that are fulfilling. They are only fulfilling if God gives you them, if he sets them up. His hand has to apart of it in order to be completely fulfilling. This is what I'm having to lecture to my heart as it tries to fulfill it's desires on it's own. I have to gently tell it no, that it's not a person or thing that will make it happy, but only Christ and Christ alone. For the real desires of my heart are heavier and greater than any person could ever carry. I just have to keep telling it to hold on, hold on, hope is coming.


As I was sitting here writing this blog, I looked onto my desk where I have a verse. It says, "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation, and my God." Psalm 42:11 Despite the reasoning for what I'm feeling and the way it weighs me down I have to hope in God. For in the right timing he will come, he always does. 

Still Here

In the intro to psych class that I do my grad assistant in the professor has been talking about the desire we have to only do things that are acceptable, things that receive a reward or reinforcement of some sort. From young children, we are drawn to act and do things that result in a reward or positive reaction. For example, you know that when you put money into a Coke machine, it will give you a drink. A lot of our behaviors are developed by this need and desire receive acceptance by our actions.

Yes, this is good stuff and even for those who are not psychologist would say, "Yes, I see where this is true." It's not rocket science. But then, the professor added a new twist into this. He stated that we were programed to learn and develop behavior this way, but, Christ asks us to do the exact opposite. Christ tells us that much of what he asks us to do will be reprimanded. So  this desire to only act in a way that is rewarded is of the flesh. But what does God tell us about our flesh? "For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want." Galatians 5:17. "Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life." Galatians 6:8. Well, I'm pretty sure he's telling us here not to listen to the flesh, but to listen to the Spirit. I never thought something like this would be so hard until recently.

I've had a few incidents lately that have taught me that I'm going to be doing what Christ has told me to do but I'm not going to receive positive feedback or positive reinforcement for it from others. It's really hard to do what you know is right but have little support behind what you are doing. The hardest part is how easily you can become discouraged. I've felt a lot of discouragement lately. It's hard to pursue what you love and do what you know is right when you feel discouraged. Then I realized that much of my discouragement comes my need/desire to have other people give me positive reinforcement. I tend to look to others for a positive comment or encouragement because it's extremely helpful for me. The only problem with this is that people are not perfect and they are not always going to encourage the things that God wants us to do. I find myself looking very little for God's encouragement and mostly looking to people for encouragement. This is not good. I believe I've been suffering the consequences that come when you  look for your acceptance in others. You begin to feel low about who you are and who God created you to be. You begin to become self-conscious about what you say and what you do with others. Slowly, you begin to cover who you really are in search for being who everyone wants you to be. I've been under that blanket before and I hated it! I don't ever want to cover up who I am again. Yet, it can be an old habit that can easily be reinstated. 


I'm currently trying to change the way I handle these moments in my life. I'm trying to change my focus and to focus on the promises of God and turn to the Lord for he is merciful and loving. It's just hard at times. But I'm remaining hopeful. The Lord has promised good thing/ GREAT things to happen this year. I've got to trust that he will get me through this valley, he won't leave me alone. 


"He has never let you down, never looked the other way when you were being kicked around. He has never wandered off to do his own thing; he has been right there, listening." Psalm 22:24 MSG


"Starting from scratch, he made the entire human race and made the earth hospitable, with plenty of time and space for living so we could seek after God, and not just grope around in the dark but actually find him. He doesn't play hide-and-seek with us. He's not remote; he's near." Acts 17:26 & 27 MSG

WINNER!

As I mentioned in my previous post, El Roi, I'm in the process of learning about the different names of God in order to learn more about his character. The name I'm studying is Redeemer. For those who don't know me well enough, I've grown up in church my whole life. I've been taught about scripture for as long as I can remember. I'm not sure about anyone else who has grown up in church, but the terminology used can become a habit. I know I tend to just say things without really thinking about the meaning. This is because I've used it for so long that I tend to not really think about what I'm saying. This happened for me for the name Redeemer. So I decided to go back to the basics, to research what the word "redeemer" means. According to Websters Dictionary, redeemer means: a person who redeems. So I then researched the word redeem, which means: 1a. to buy back; purchase b. to get or win back, 2. to free from what distresses or harms a. to free from captivity by payment of ransom b. to extricate from or help to overcome something detrimental.

So if God's name is redeemer, I've come up with his name meaning: a person who has rescued someone or something from harm or distress, he had to pay a price, for what he was seeking was not free and would require him giving something/ sacrificing something he had. Our Redeemer is what keeps us from being merely dirt. It's really cool to see him in this kind of light. It's like going to your old playground and being reminded of how much you love to be on swings! Even though you knew you loved swings, to actually be on the swing and be swinging you feel the excitement plus a little extra than from the time before. That's kinda how I feel as I go back and remind myself who God really is.

Thank you Jesus, thank you for giving so that I'm set free from eternal harm. Thank you!

El Roi

It's been a while since I've been able to write. The past few weeks have been pure chaos. I can't believe we're already over half way through March. I literally feel like I have blinked this month away. The funny thing is I remember looking at the calendar and seeing that this month had 31 day in it and thinking "Man, this is going to be a long month." Boy have I been proven wrong!

I want to give a little testimony from my previous blog, Can We Please Talk About This. I talked about how the Lord directed me to keep silent about an issue I was sensing. Despite how much I wanted to do the exact opposite of what he told me to do, I was obedient and didn't confront anything. Well I'm glad I did, because the person ended up coming and talking to me. It was really cool because I'm almost positive she didn't read that blog and the Lord told me to just pray for her instead of confronting. Turns out she was in need of those prayers I was lifting up for her. It's just so awesome when he shows you why he asked you to do something. I was so encouraged when she finally talked to me. It made my heart so happy! I'm so grateful for how God has provided such wonderful people in my life. I'm also very grateful that he allows them to stay in my life.

These past few weeks have flown by so quickly because they have come with many struggles. The Lord has held me through each passing struggle and I'm happy to say that I've made it out stronger! Now the Lord is allowing me to see more and more of myself. He's helping me see some mind sets that need to be changed and some actions that need to change. Most importantly, He's wanting me to really really really know Him. More specifically, he wants me to know him by his names. Yes, plural, nameS. I recently have read two separate books and each have mentioned the names of God. When I read about it in the second book, I was like, "Ok, I'm getting the hint that I need to know you by all your names." I've come to find that in my walk with Christ, I get caught up in only parts of him and neglect other parts. In one of the books I read it said, "God's names are a promise of who He is. We learn to trust Him as we come to know Him in the way He is described in the Bible, based on His character." Recently I came to realize that a person who has been in my life for many years not only didn't know some characteristics of me, but wasn't accepting of them either. I wasn't hurt by the fact that they weren't accepted as much as I was hurt by the fact that they didn't know these things. These were things that everyone else in my life figured out within a few months of knowing me, but after years of knowing me, this person made it very clear that they did not know about this characteristic of me. It really hurt. After going through this experience, I realized how important it is for me to know the characteristics of the God I serve. It's ok to know an acquaintance by whats on the surface level, but what makes a friendship or a relationship with someone is knowing more than what's on the surface. God revealed to me that I was only looking to parts of who he is and neglecting other characteristics that I NEED to know. Many of the insecurities I've been feeling are due to emptiness I have inside. God is showing me that I've been searching in all the wrong places and all the wrong ways to fill these empty holes, when all along, he's been here having the solution for these holes yet I haven't been diligent enough to discover more of him. Therefore, I've been living with empty holes that can only be filled by him and his character. 

I'm going to spend each week learning and know these characteristics of God. The first name that struck me and hit him with me is the name El Roi, meaning The God Who See's Me. Ironically enough (or not) I friend of mine posted a status today about this name that said, "{El-Roeh} God, the One who sees~ This name of God reveals God's beneficent omnipresence; a God who sees the needs of His people and cares enough to respond with help and deliverance. 

(see Genesis 16:8, 13). ~ NIV Archeological Study Bible// it's amazing that the creator of the universe sees me & sees you... He sees us & loves us, despite of us. Thank You, Lord for seeing me... Help me to see You more..To be more aware of You- Your direction, leading, peace, joy, & work."

It's so refreshing to know that he see's me! I can't tell you how much this means to me. It feels so good to know that he SEE'S me! ME! And he see's you too. I'm going to end on that note, because I just love dwelling in this truth, I hope you do too :-)

(P.S. I'll continue to write and share about the names of God as I study more and learn more about each one.)

Can we PLEASE just talk about this!

Disney World... Mid-terms.....Thinking..... and the list could continue with all that is going on in my life as of this very moment. But I'll start off with my trip to Disney World. I forgot how much fun this place was. I wish I could have spent more than 2 days in the park, I felt like I was having to rush through everything things so that I could see everything. Not to mention the fact that we woke up before 6am two mornings in a row for the 5k that some of us ran in and the half marathon my mom ran in. But it was all fun, I'm very grateful that I was given the opportunity to go. I really enjoyed running in the 5k, I ran the whole time (which was my only goal) and finished in about 40 minutes. I had been running a full 5k on the treadmill in 35 mins but due to the mass amount of people in the 5 k, I was slowed down a bit. 


So I have to give a special shout out to my brother in law. He and I were the only ones to ride the Hollywood Tower of Terror at Disney world (you know, the ride that has a 12 story drop). All the way up to the drop point I kept thinking, "Why on earth did I agree to do this!? What was I thinking?!" When the final big drop came my whole body began to shake but it was TOTALLY WORTH IT! I do not regret doing this ride at all, I would even go back and do it again. Needless to say, the trip was fun.


Midterms are this week and spring break is next week. You might ask, "What's your big plans for this spring break?" My plans are to complete an annotated bibliography, go to the middle school I'm completing my practicum at, and to prepare for 2 presentations for the week after spring break. I know, I know, I can get a little wild and crazy nowadays. 


So many knows this but I'm definitely a nerd when it comes to counseling stuff. I love learning about people and the stages they go through and getting a better understanding of why people do what they do. I'm taking Human Development right now and I LOVE IT! We're mostly focusing on Erik Erikson's Life Stages. The really cool thing about his stages is that as far back as I can remember, he's dead on about how we think and function at different times in out lives. The intro to psych class I'm doing my psych assistants in is going over these stages as well so I'm getting a double dose of everything. I have to admit, my heart just grows in happiness the more I learn about human development. Erik Erickson is pretty much dead on when it comes to the adolescent stage as well. Today the intro to psych professor was giving examples of things teens think, say, act, and do within these stages. I was blown away because I was like "Woah, I remember thinking that or doing that". I remember being in conflict with myself through this stage because I thought everything I was doing and thinking was wrong. I remember trying to change my way of thinking so that it would be more acceptable to the people around me. But now I've come to know that this way of thinking is essential to our development  and we all go through it. It really makes me even more excited to work with adolescents in school. Now that I have a better understanding of whats going on with them, I can not only encourage them and normalize what they are feeling and thinking, I can help parents to do the same. 


All this just makes me so grateful for where the Lord is leading me in my life. Yesterday I had something happened that reminded me of the calling the Lord has placed me in. I've known for a while what my calling is but I've been looking for people to know and accept this calling in my life instead of embracing it head on. I had a young teenage girl who has a really bad home life reach out to me yesterday. I've known this girl for a while and I randomly help her out every now and then, but yesterday it really hit me. I'm suppose to help young adolescent girls. I'm suppose to do things with them and interact with them, this is what the Lord has called me and gifted me to do. The Lord showed me that not everyone is going to accept this or understand this and he reminded me that we are not going to please everyone. This need to please others has really held me back. The Lord showed me yesterday that as long as I'm doing what he has called me and leads me to do, He will take care of the rest. He will reveal and give understanding to those who do not understand, I just need to trust him to do it and not try and fix the problem myself. Which leads to another issue I've had going on. I constantly feel the need to fix any hard feelings or problems. The Lord has given me the ability to know when things are not going well in someones life or if they have a problem with me. I struggle the most when I feel that someone is hurt or upset with me but won't talk to me about it. I can even sense the person is not consciously aware of the fact that they have an issue with me. It eats me alive because I just want to sit that person down and make them talk to me about the problem! I just want them to pour it all out and get every issue they have with me out so that I don't feel this sense of tension or sense thats somethings wrong. It really is pure torture for me to feel this way. But everyone is not like me and they don't always want to confront or deal with problems. So even if I confront people, I often get the "You're making this up" or I really don't want to talk about this look. You wanna know my biggest pet peeve....... NOT DEALING WITH ISSUES!!!!!! Especially if I'm apart of the issue. I can deal with the fact that you don't want to deal with personal problems, I can feel that way at times about certain things. But I CAN NOT handle when people have a problem with me and they won't confront me or talk to me about it. It doesn't make me mad, it frustrates me to no end because I can sense that theirs a problem and I want to deal with it if I sense it.


I say all this to say that the Lord is trying to teach me something with this. He knows I'll confront people about issues, He knows I'll deal with it, so he's not putting me through all this to see if I'll confront the problems. I've realized he's putting me through this to rely on him about the problems. In order for a problem to be resolved, both parties need to be willing to discuss the problem, their hearts have to be open to admit and discuss any issues. The Lord is teaching me to come to Him and allow him to deal and fix any hardship. Many times when I jump in and try to deal with an issue, I end up making it worse or just leave with it unresolved. This is because either my heart or their heart is not prepared to fully deal with the problem. So, I'm taking this new approach. When I sense an issue or a problem, I'm taking it to the Lord. I'm asking him to guide my heart and their heart. I'm then asking for the Lord to have them come to me with the issue. I need to be willing to wait and allow things to be dealt with in the right timing. As simple as that sounds, it's really a hard thing for me to do but the Lord is helping me. I'm just so thankful to have a heavenly Father who loves me enough and knows me well enough to know what I need.


Thank you Jesus, thank you for this life and this love you have given to me. I pray that anyone I've ever hurt knows that it was never intentional. I also hope they know that I love them no matter what because You love me no matter what. I admit that I'm not perfect and I never will be, but that you Lord  allow your perfection to cover all my imperfections. AMEN

Blast from the Past

The other night I was laying in bed and enjoying some much needed relaxation. As most people seem to do when they are trying to relax, I had my laptop. I was bored at surfing the internet so I started surfing my own computer. It was the best decision EVER because I ran across some OLD pictures. It was so much fun looking at old pictures. I was also reminded how blessed of a life I have had. As I flipped through these pictures I was just reminded of the friendships I've had and the ones I still have. Looking back at my years in high school and my years in undergraduate I feel like I've had the ideal life. I'm so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life and to share so many wonderful memories with them! I thought I'd share some of the pictures from high school. I hope you enjoy this trip back down memory lane as much as I did! Plus, you just never know who you're going to see :-)

High School Years