Honesty is her name

Tonight, I could hear my voice echo as it rang through the empty rooms of the house. I was dancing and singing as if no one was watching (because no one was). I sang "Girl on Fire" at the top of my lungs.

Happiness is only one word that could describe how I felt.

I was alone. Completely and utterly alone.

And in that moment, in this empty house, I felt joy.

"I'm so mad at myself", I told a friend on the phone the other day, "I've forgotten how to be alone."

I had learned, I had learned how to do it once upon a time. I had learned to find contentment in loneliness. Then, out of no where, I realized I had forgotten. I had neglected the art, the beauty in being alone.

I'm having more real conversation nowadays with friends. No more, "how are you? Good? Oh great! I did blah blah blah blah....." I love being real. I love when I ask a friend, "how are you doing?" And they say, "not good, not good at all."

Don't get me wrong, I hate they are having a bad day, but I love that they are being honest enough say that it's bad. Because truthfully, honesty doesn't wear pretty clothes. She doesn't always spend hours getting ready in the morning. Most of the time, she crawls out of bed, combs her hairs, puts her clothes on, and walks out the door. If you expect perfection, if you expect a clean cut, decked out, can't keep my eyes off the pound of makeup on your face show from honesty, then I'm afraid you'll be gravely disappointed when you see her.

She's so much more than that. She so much more than clothes or makeup. She carries truth, truth that makes your knees buckle because you know you can never go back to that person. Truth that makes your stomach turn in knots because you were hurt beyond anything you could have ever imagined. Truth, that makes tears fall so hard and so fast from your eyes, you begin to believe that you could actually create your own water fall.

Honesty, she's not what we expected her to bet.

But if you look at her, really look at her, a peace begins to wash over you. You stop noticing the wrinkles around her eyes, you stop seeing her curvature as something to be fixed but rather something to be praised. Her plain shirt doesn't seem so plain any more. You begin to see her for who she is and out of no where, her beauty strikes you so hard and so fast you realize your mouth has been wide open for a good 15 minutes.

Honesty, I'm slowly coming to know her and accept her for who she is. I don't always like the truth she brings me, but with each piece of truth, I find myself coming together. I find myself feeling whole again.

Tonight, I danced and sang alone, in an empty house and felt joy. Tonight I cooked chicken alone and felt joy.

Honesty, when we accept her for who she is, we eventually get to know her best friend, joy. Because the truth is, you can't have one without the other.

If you could have heard the symphony my heart played

I have had an experience today that has had me giddy like a little girl. Seriously, this is going down as one of the best things that has ever happened to me!

I also do two things when I first wake up in the morning. The first thing I ask myself is, "Do I really have to get up?" The answer to this is usually always, YES. Then the next thing I do, is I grab my phone, turn the alarm off (or hit snooze) and usually scroll through Instagram or Facebook. It's like a wake up ritual. Reading things that are not important some how help me get out of bed. Except this morning, this morning I had the best surprise EVER!

You see, I've been obsessed with a blog writer recently name Hannah Brencher. Most of the quote I've been posting lately have been from her. She has an amazing gift of writing and I love her words, she has such a beautiful way of writing things. Well, I've never been one to write someone like an musician or an actor. I've never written them tweeted them etc. But I have been so impacted by Hannah's writing, I felt the need to write her and let her know the impact she's made on my life recently.

Now this girl is really well known, she's even in the process of writing a book. I've read a few blogs where she's responded to certain people's emails but I'm sure she gets hundreds daily.

So I sent this email, kind of hope for a response but I didn't send it with intentions of a response, I just wanted to let her know how grateful I am for her. It's been very liberating to read what she writes about and it makes this current journey I'm on seem less lonely.

So back to my morning ritual. I open Instagram and she has posted a picture of my favorite quote from her (that I mentioned in the email). With my half sleepy mind I thought, "Well how cool, I just wrote her how I loved that quote and here she's posted it." I then scroll down and read, "Dear Emily Walters,....."

WHAT?!?!?!?!?! (This is when I freak out)

"She wrote me back?!?!?! Not only did she write me back but she posted it on Instagram!"

I didn't even comprehend what she wrote the first time I read it, I was WAY too excited. I leaped out of bed at this moment and jumped into the shower. "I need to wake up more," I thought to myself, "Oh my gosh, she really wrote me back! She heard me..... SHE HEARD ME!"

I get out of the shower and read the post again. My heart is pounding out of my chest, creating it's own symphony to try and communicate what's going on inside of me.

What she said, Oh Lord, I knew God had whispered those sweet words to her to share with me. I just couldn't believe she heard me and found my words worthy enough to respond back.

I recently had to burn some bridges in my life. I'm not one to burn bridges with people, it's something I prefer not to do. And this bridge, oh this bridge was so beautiful. You couldn't ask for a better bridge. It loved me, it supported me, the bridge itself was flawless. The only bad thing about the bridge was where it would lead me to. There were times when I thought, I can hang out on the bridge without crossing over. I love this bridge, I enjoy being on it. Well, I always ended up crossing over to the side that was not good for me. It wasn't the bridges fault, it was my own but I sadly had to burn the bridge. I had to watch as it melted away, never to be recovered, never to shine bright again.

Walking away was so hard, especially knowing that it wasn't the bridge that I was really having to rid myself of, it was what the bridge led me to.

She had no idea about this, she has no idea of my recent challenge to take care of myself better, my challenge to stop running from things of the past and to embrace who I am. But she nailed it all with her response.

I'd be lying if I said I only read it twice... no, I've read it atleast 100 times or more. This experience is probably equivalent to if I had walked past Matthew Theissen on the streets and he told me he thought I was pretty and kept walking.

I'll copy the email I wrote and this copy her response.

Seriously, BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!

It feels so good to be heard. To TRULY have been heard!

"Hannah,

A friend of mine recently recommended that I start reading your blogs. I recently just discovered a love to blogs and reading your blogs has set this love on FIRE! I am just so amazed at your writing and how you articulate your words in such an artistic and poetic way! I'm very inspired by your writing. 

I'm writing you to tell you THANK YOU for your writing. I read your blogs and I'm just amazed at your ability to be vulnerable to the world. You write with a realness and authenticity that makes your entries so relatable.

I've had more than one experience (well if I'm being honest, it's been about every blog entry I've read) where my heart starts pounding and I want to jump up and down with excitement screaming, "MY WORDS! SHE'S SAYING ALL THE WORDS I'VE NEEDED TO SAY!" It has brought me so much joy and so much clarity in this time in my life where I have as much clarity as someone who puts their glasses on in a steaming room. 

You see, I'm a 26 year old single woman who is still trying to make it in this world. I've worked my whole life to accomplish my dream of becoming a counselor and now that I have achieved it, the biggest question I've had running through me is "what's next?" Don't get me wrong, I love working as a counselor and I'm one of the very few people in the world who can go to work everyday and love every single minute of it (even when I necessarily don't like it). But after accomplishing this goal, this dream, I've had no clue what the next step is suppose to be, what it's suppose to look like. I've been on a frantic search to find the answer, to KNOW my next step, but it's only messed me up. I was in a deceitful relationship for years that has not help with cleaning up the mess. 

Despite where I'm at and despite where I'm going I am SO THANKFUL for your words. You make this road to be less lonely and less confusing. You even make the messiness of it seem joyful and for that, I am BEYOND grateful.

I've gotten to where I'll read something in your blog that makes my heart pound, knowing the truth that underlines it, and I'll save it to my phone. I then go back and read those special quotes over and over again. I want it to sink in. I want to live those truths.

Today, I had an adolescent girl come talk to me. In her struggle to find self-confidence and to love herself, I shared one of your quotes with her. I honestly think it's one of the most profound, gut wrenching things anyone has ever said and I LOVE IT! You said, "Learn to sit with yourself so much that you can stare strangers in the eyes with hellfire confidence and say, “I know exactly what sits at the root of me. And I’m not afraid of it no longer.”

I seriously could dwell in that for days. I've shared a few other quotes with some adolescents who I work with, you have no idea the impact it has had on them.

Your words help me, they help the adolescents that I love to help and I'm sure there are thousands more that you have helped and will continue to help.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

Emily Walters"

"Dear Emily Walters, wherever you are and if you are reading-- I got your message. This morning. In the middle of an ungodly mess of an airport security. And I read about how you've made those dream of your come true. And now you are wondering what is next. What's next? What's next? It's a good question but don't use it as an escape route. Don't use it as a way to build more hurdles in the distance  when what you have right here is kind-of, sort-of, definitely sacred. Look around. Pay attention. Show up for people. And see if life might just reveal what is next naturally. See if you step into what is next without even noticing it. Maybe it isn't what's next that matters. Maybe it's that you're here. And you've arrived at something you always wanted. And that should be celebrated. Celebrate those little victories, gal. Celebrate the people who brought you right here. Celebrate the way the journey chiseled off parts of you you didn't need any longer. Celebrate all that. You'v done good, girl."

I'm celebrating girl. BELIEVE ME I'M CELEBRATING!!

You Don't Need To Explain Yourself

I think more than one person can agree with me when I say that today was a rough day.

I received texts from friends expressing their frustration, saw statuses on Facebook declaring their heart break with today.

Let's just confess...... APRIL 22nd...... YOU SUCKED!

There, I said it for all you who didn't want to say it.

I had an encounter today with someone who just pushed me over the edge. I already struggle with this person, but today just did it in for me. 

They made me feel bad for saying 'no' to them. 

The crazy part is that I said no to them about a month ago.

Apparently this person does not hear no often, because when I said it to them they became very passive aggressive with me. Tried to shrug it off as if it wasn't a big deal, but then had the nerve to bring it up again.... a month later.... in a passive aggressive tone.

"You know the position I'm in." I thought to myself, "You know what I'm having to do right now and yet you are sitting here making me feel bad for not helping you when I LITERALLY COULD NOT HELP YOU."

It got under my skin so bad. 

I was hot....... I was red hot.

But me being who I am, I was able to keep cool and deal with the situation appropriately. Well, I felt like I did atleast. 

When I got home this evening, I was able to cool off with some music and major blog reading. Later in the evening, I was sitting outside with my roommate. Thankfully she gave me the opportunity to vent about my day. I've gotten to where I don't vent too often about things just because 1. I don't like burdening people with my problems and 2. not many people really just want to listen to a venting session.

Thankfully, she didn't mind me venting and expressed to me that she enjoyed hearing me be angry about something. HA! She has no idea how much that meant to me. 

I explained to her my encounter and how inconsiderate this person was being towards me, how they were making me feel bad for something that I literally could not do for them. She then gave me the best advice anyone could have given me. She said, "Emily, you do not have to explain yourself. It is none of their business what your situation looks like right now."

Weight immediately lifted from my shoulders at that moment. I could breathe again.

She's right, I don't have to explain myself. I know that by saying yes, I would have been adding more stress to myself, stress I do not need. 

I was doing something for ME for once. I was watching out for MYSELF for once. That is a huge thing for me and the fact that they do not want to take to the time to understand that, well thats their problem not mine. 

I don't need to explain myself to this person, I also don't have to make this person understand. They are only a speck on my radar of people in my life. I know the truth in that situation and I refuse to allow someone to make me feel bad for that. I absolutely refuse to allow someones perception of a situation make me question what I know to be true. 

I like what Hannah Brencher said. She said, "No matter how far you go, or whatever kind of success or failure meets you, or whatever you do that seems noble or good or quite the opposite, people will continue to try to kick you down. They will try to tell you you're not good enough. They will try to convince you that you're not brave. That is the way of life. You can call it insecurity. You can call it anger. You know what, don't even waste your time trying to give it a name. Just please don't let it be the thing that keeps you from starting. You're not supposed to stay standing in that one spot for too long."

I can't let one person perspective change what I know to be true. I can't tell you how many times I've done this in my life and I'm continuing to clean up the mess it's created inside me. 

I don't have to explain myself.

I have that FREEDOM. I have the freedom and the right to take care of myself where I see it needs to be done.

I'm going to celebrate this victory. For I know that saying no is a struggle for me and I said no when I needed to. 

Little Victories. I LOVE little victories.

Apple vs Pear

This Monday has been an interesting Monday. It hasn't been bad, it's just been different from other Mondays.

This might be a good way to start off a Monday. I had a completely different routine than what I normally do. Maybe this is how you should start Mondays off? You do something completely different each Monday, so that it won't know how to trip you up (I'm talking like it's a bully or something, but let's be honest, IT IS!).

After a much needed relaxing morning this morning, I was able to drive into work with a pretty clear head. My thoughts were flowing in clear and beautifully this morning. I really love when this happens. I can almost feel each minute float by. Their not in a hurry. They just gently and slowly float their way by, give a little sweet hello and smile, then pass on to allow the next minute to have its 60 seconds of fame.

Time doesn't always present it's self like this to me often. Typically, it's rushing it's way by, too fast for me to even focus. Other times it moves like molasses, moving slowly, making a sticky mess on anything it touches.

But today, I actually enjoyed it. It was so sweet to me.

With my clear head this morning, I had an epiphany on my drive into work (seriously helped start my day off right).

I don't know how it hit me, maybe God just threw it into my head. I don't know but I guess it doesn't really matter.

I was looking at the trees on my drive to Soddy Daisy. The drive is beautiful up hwy 27, especially right now with the bright green leaves growing. They are so fresh, new, and bright. As I stared at the trees, the thought "be Christ-like" came to mind. I thought maybe this was based on a verse I have read before. I got on my bible app later and looked for the scripture that says to be Christ-like. The only scripture I could find just encourages your mind to be Christ-like.

But I know I've heard people talk about being Christ-like. What I've really observed the most over the years is that people especially want our actions to look Christ like, because somewhere along the way, we've been told that we are to be just.like.God.

I really think this is what trips most people up. It's like we're pear trees, looking at Christ, who is an apple tree, and we are trying to become APPLE TREES.

But we can't be apples, we were made as pears, beautifully delicious pears.

We work so hard to "be like Christ". We fill our heads with "if I were living a Christ like example, I should do this, I should have done that, I shouldn't have done that......" Should this, shouldn't that. 'Should' becomes debilitating. We become paralyzed and filled with shame. Instead of our pears growing, they start to rot, fall off. Next thing we know, parts of our tree is dying and we are in shambles because we don't understand why our work hasn't made us into an apple tree. Not only are we not apple trees, our tree is now dying!

GOD DID NOT CREATE US TO BE HIM. He created us to take on his character, for we are made in his image. He's not asking us to become apples, he wants us to be pears, he made us to be pears. All he wants us to do is watch how he takes care of himself, how he's able to make his tree full of big, juicy, delicious apples. He shows us how to prune ourselves to keep our growth. He shows us what we need to do incase a drought comes. He even shows us how to survive when the conditions of our environment are preventing us from growing and producing healthy fruit. He just wants us to watch, watch as he teaches how to take care of ourselves. We don't have to be apples, he doesn't expect us or want us to be apples, he wants us to be pears. He wants us to be a healthy pear tree producing as much beautiful fruit as we possibly can!

My Favorite Subject.... LOVE

I love love. I love what it's really about. I love everything about it.

One of my newly favorite blog writers, Hannah Brencher, wrote this blog talking about love. Maybe it's the two glasses of wine that I've had that makes me fall head over hills for it. Either way, it's beautiful. I love the symbolism and I want to share it with you!

I would love to write like this one day. I admire the art she adds in with her writing.

If you want to read the whole blog, it's called Oh, Not A Day Goes By where She Does Not Think Of You First. I'm only posting a portion of it.

Enjoy!

"In a world where we’ve always wanted things to be neat & orderly, precise & predictable, Love has never truly fit in. She’s the rebel of the group. The mold breaker. The new girl in the cafeteria that everyone notices for her ruby-red lips and yet they all turn to go when it comes time to shake a hand or swallow a grin from her. Love can be an awfully intimidating thing.

Love has always had to fight a lot harder to win our attention.

Where Tragedy blows us over like little piggies with super power breath, Love has been the quiet fighter. Brinking for our hearts like the ever-patient hero.

The radio blares of her. The movies personify her. The books– embossed covers & classical endings– burrow romantic little holes into our bones. But we get so distracted, so cluttered with the Must-Do’s and the Should-Do’s, that we forget how old-fashioned of a place Love has always wanted to take in our lives.

We might stand in the longest, weaviest lines that snake through the malls on Black Friday. Go home exhausted. Rush through the motions. Frantically decorate the house. Shop some more. Bake some more. Stay busy, busy, busy. And never once look up into the heart of this season to see Love standing at the door, right beneath the mistletoe with her ruby-red lips, ready to tell you how many lines she waited in just to get to you. You’re worth it like that. Don’t you know you’re worth it like that?

“Don’t try to limit me,” Love would say. “And don’t think I’m leaving tomorrow or the day after Sunday. Don’t box me in. Don’t worry about me running out. I don’t run out. I only rush in.”

“Speak slowly when I am around. Let me go where I need to go. Unleash me to dance with the ones you so adore. Let me get all wrapped up in them. Let me get tangled in their hair. Above all, don’t be afraid to say that you want me– in every area, in every morning,  in every hour. Just let me be as I was made to be: Thick. Big. Overwhelming but Understanding. Overflowing but Underrated.”

She does not want the busy. She doesn’t care for the frantic. She aches to be trusted. Aches to know that someone, somewhere, will just let her spill over them, flood them, wreck them, rule them, keep them more full than any other emotion in this world.

And here we hide– behind text messages, behind rules we’ve constructed for our selves, behind barriers & past hurts, and “you wouldn’t really love me if only you knew this…” rhetoric. But not a day goes by where she forgets us or thinks less of us or does not survey the damage of the hurt and says, “How deep is the cut?  I promise I can fix that.”

Not a day, not a day in Love’s life, has she ever cared for the petty precision we use when we are trying to define her. And bottle her up. And control her. And make less of her. And keep her from doing the very things she has always, always, always been so good at. But only when we let her in. When we let her set the table. ..........

Love. I think she sets a mean table. She cooks a raging turkey. I think she delivers a pretty sizable spread. But she demands the things that we are so stingy to give within a life that has monopolized us with shame & guilt.

When you sit at the table that Love sets, you let things go. You let old battles die. You roll up your sleeves and you release the anger you’ve harbored inside. It breaks her own heart to see you so bitter. You take down your flags of white surrender. 

You admit that you’ve been wrong. You let her heal the parts of you that you swore were not so relevant. You stay open. You stop trying.

You dig in. You. Just. Dig. In. To what life could look like when Love is the ally– not the toxic home wrecker. When she whispers, 'Babycakes, I ain’t skinny. I’m not no skinny love. Maybe that’s a pretty song but I’m so thick that I could push you flat like a rolling pin. Come on, child. Let’s eat.'"

That ONE Word

Have you ever found yourself just constantly talk?

You know, the kind of talking that you can't catch your breath fast enough. Words keep falling after each other, tripping over each other, trying to be heard, trying to to be in the spotlight.

I was there not too long ago. I found myself talking all the time. Trying to communicate something ALL THE TIME. I don't know if anyone around me was annoyed with it, but I was annoyed.

I realized that most of the words coming out of my mouth made zero sense. Most of them had zero purpose, but I still had the urge to keep talking.

I know why I was talking so much. I had so much on my heart and my mind at that time that I was trying to get them out. I was trying to find the words I was really looking for. In the nonsensical madness, I was trying to say something.... just one thing..... but I just couldn't find the right words. So instead, I would just talk in hopes that all my empty words would eventually have meaning. They would eventually fill that place inside of me that was squealing, yearning for just.the.right.word.

I found it. I found the word I was looking for.

It's one word, but the weight of this one word is beyond measure. No scale could ever give this word a proper measurement.

WORTH

There it is. So simple right? But then again it's not.

"worth is a really, really heavy question and really, really hard struggle—until of course it becomes the lightest, best thing in the world (but that takes time and I’m not there yet)—but because worth is at the heart of what-this-here-life-is-all-about and thus LARGE AND TERRIFTYING...."

WHAT THIS HERE LIFE IS ALL ABOUT

Isn't our sense of worth, what makes us or breaks us?

Isn't it what stands between us and our dream? Isn't it what makes us stay in a mediocre relationship? ISN'T IT WHAT KEEPS US FROM PURSUING A RELATIONSHIP THAT COULD BE MAGICAL?

Worth

I found that I've had a pretty low sense of worth my whole life. I'm not one to sit and wallow in self pity. I typically have a good 30 minute self pity party about something, complain about it over a glass (or two) of wine with a girlfriend, then move on my merry way. 

So me being the hard worker I am, I have been working my ass off for years to try and fix my low sense of self worth. How have I done it? Well, setting a goal and achieving it sounds like a good start right? 

Goal: Work to obtain a masters degree so that you can do a job where you can help people for the rest of your life (DONE)

How's your worth now? Eh, it's better, but I'm still not convinced.

Goal: Work to maintain close and stable relationships with friends and family (DONE)

How about now? Not much of a difference

Goal: Work to maintain a romantic relationship (NOT WORKING OUT AS PLANNED)

Now? Super crappy....... I'm actually exhausted...... I think my worth meter is dropping.... I don't have the strength to keep working like this....but if I stop, my worth meter is going to drop below where I need it to be..... but I can't keep living like this.... I just can't

I believe this is the point in time when God looks down on me, with a silly little grin and smiles gently.

Then he say's, "Emily, do you see something in common with all your goals?"

"Uh, well........ Maybe"

"What might that be?"

"Work, I see the word WORK."

"Yes, I don't come and go. I lasts. I am the Creator of all you can see or imagine. I don't get tired out, I don't pause to catch my breath. And I know everything, inside and out. I energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon Me get fresh strength.They spread their wings and soar like eagles, They run and don’t get tired, they walk and don’t lag behind."

Who can argue with a pep talk like that?

I've been working so hard to earn my worth, to prove to myself that I am worthy, when in reality, it has been there all along. I just need to believe it.

Someone mentioned not too long ago how our hearts are the most deceptive things about us. Lately, I've been really challenged to look into my heart and see what I can find. This is where I've discovered my lack of self worth. I've been trying to build it and measure it by all the wrong things. I've been looking to people and relationships to help sustain and build my sense of self worth. What I've come to find out is that that is too big of a task for anyone to take on. No one has the power or energy to take on that kind of job. I'm having to look to the one who never tires, who never grows weak. The one who DOES NOT NEED ME BUT CHOOSES TO HAVE ME.

I've been working hard, because I am a hard worker, when I could be working smart instead (there is a huge difference).

"Worth.... really heavy.... really hard.... but can be the lightest thing in the world"

Hmmmm...... I  like light things.

My Obsession

Blogs.

I'm utterly obsessed with blogs right now.

I'm amazed at some of these blogs I read. I get very emotionally involved with these writers.

THEY SAY MY WORDS.

They say the words I've been looking to find. They take that emotion and put the EXACT WORDS I've been looking for. The words I've been needing to say.

The way they lay their words, oh it's so beautiful!

I picture them write these words. Their hands on the keyboard, gracefully typing out the words. They probably pause for a minute, then continue as their words flow out like a graceful fountain.

They make me fall in love with words more and more.

They also inspire me. Their honesty is so pure. They just layout reality, their reality, for the whole world to read. They say EXACTLY how they feel knowing that someone will judge them. They speak the truth. The nasty, ugly, not everyone wants to hear it truth.

BUT IT'S THE TRUTH I NEED TO HEAR.

It's the truth that makes my heart leap because someone FINALLY SAID IT! Someone FINALLY called out the nasty, ugly reality.

They didn't put flowers on it. They didn't spray it with perfume. They didn't say it in a "sunday school approve" way. THEY SAID THE TRUTH.

How freeing..... How freeing that must be. To live in that freedom.

I'm getting there, I'm slowly getting there.

Right now, the thought of saying what I really feel, using the words I really want to say, feels like word vomit. The chains are still there. I see them. They're there.

But they won't be for long.

No sir, they won't be around much longer.

Balance.

Have you ever played with a scale? You know, the kind where if you put something in one side, the other side will either go up or down. I think they may be called balance scales.... not a hundred percent sure.

The name doesn't really matter, as long as you know what I'm talking about.

I've been thinking about these types of scales lately. How in order for them to be equally balance you have to take time to put items in both sides of the scale. Then, once you've achieved this goal and you have found that equal balance, you'll have to periodically go back and either add or take away to the scale to keep it balance. Due to the changing air pressure and other things in the environment, you have to keep in check with the scale to be sure it remains balanced.

I've been working on balancing my life lately. It has felt very out of balance for a while and I've grown tired of it. I'm really bad about giving all my attention to one part of my life, neglecting other parts to the point that things get out of balance for me. For example, I'll go pretty hard core at helping other people. I sacrifice my time to help them in times of need and to be there for them when they need it. Even though this is great and apart of who I am, I'm really bad about neglecting my own needs.

Whenever I have a person come talk to me that expresses a problem with addressing their own needs, I always give them this example, " Let's say you decide to go over sea's somewhere to help feed a country that struggles to have enough food. You can go and give food all day and all night to the people but if you do not take time to feed yourself, you're going to find yourself right their with the hungry, unable to help them."

I tell them this example because I have experienced this on multiple occasions. I find myself giving and giving to the point that I realize I'm empty and need to be filled.

The only problem about waiting to the point of being completely empty is that you get desperate. You look to anything and everything to fill the emptiness. The pain of the empty feeling is so deep and hurts so much, you don't care what fills it, you just want it FILLED.

Oh how I remember those times. I remember the aches.

They hurt.... Oh did they hurt.

But when you begin throwing whatever you can find into an empty hole, you're bound to face consequences.

It's kind of like filling a car that only takes diesel with gasoline. Your tank is filled, but your car isn't going to run. Not to mention that now you have created a bigger problem and it's going to take twice as long to get your car up and running.

If only you had slowed down. If only you had taken the time to pay attention to what you were putting into your tank.

But hind sight is always 20/20 right?

So back to my scale. It's actually a whole lot easier to be unbalanced. It doesn't feel right and you're never really going to feel complete, but you really don't have to think or work. If you were to focus on both sides, trying to even both sides out, you are gonna have to focus and work. You have to revisit both sides. You have to calculate how much you need to balance. Actually, you will come unbalanced when trying to balance. For half of balancing is trial and error. In order to know what you need for one side, the other side will be off balance.

It takes constant work, constant time, and the patience to know that  you will be unbalanced when trying to balance.

One of the things I love to do is yoga. I love how yoga practice is based around balancing your body. You are constantly working to get your muscles to a certain point so that you can balance in a way that you never thought was possibly. But it takes time, dedication, and patience...... So much patience.

One of my favorite parts of yoga is how the encourage you to be at peace with discomfort. Sometimes what our bodies really need IS uncomfortable. It takes sitting in that discomfort multiple times for our bodies to learn that it's what it really wants.

Much like yoga, we have to train our mind to accept the lack of instant gratification that comes with balancing yourself. It takes dedication and work.

But after time passes, the work becomes less. You don't have as many unbalanced moments. You begin to learn and will be able to predict when you are losing balance. You'll be able to adjust without thinking about it. You won't be as quick to lose patience with yourself.

There is a balance in life. Each persons balance looks different and is made up of different items. Be careful not to lose patience with others as they struggle to find their balance, FOR IT IS A STRUGGLE. Also, don't be quick to judge someone if they are completely lop sided in their life. To be balanced is a choice and it's not an easy one to make.

I'm still working on it. I'm learning to be ok with my lop sided moments, for I know I'm not going to stay there forever.

I'm not giving up the fight. I'm learning to be less of a perfectionist of myself and being ok without instant gratification.

Time..... It really is all about TIME.

Noah

I finally went and saw Noah tonight.

First off, I would like to preference two things. #1 I am by no means a movie critique AT ALL. I personally just like to watch movies and I also appreciate the art behind them. #2 I'm not too big into controversial things. I personally like to sit back and listen to peoples opinions and share my thoughts when I feel it's necessary. For the most part though, I prefer to fight about bigger things in life..... like people's needs.

With all that being said, I have oddly been intrigued by all the controversy behind the movie Noah. I remember seeing the trailer for the first time and thought, "Oh! That looks like it's going to be great! I want to see it." Then I started seeing all these post and articles about how you SHOULDN'T go see the movie Noah for blah blah blah reasons.

Well, I was a bit curious, so I started reading reviews to see what's up. Half of the articles I read were by people who hadn't even stepped foot into the movie theater to see the movie. They were mostly upset with the fact that it was directed by Darren Aronofsky who publicly confesses to being an atheist. 

After reading reviews, I was pumped and ready to see this movie. 

My official feelings about the movie? I LOVED IT!

Is it historically correct? No.

Does it follow the story precisely as it is written in the Bible? Nope.

Does it ultimately depict the message of who God is? I THINK SO!

It isn't accurate as a whole the way the story is told in the Bible, but PLEASE tell me a book that has been turned into a movie that is? They are never the same. 

Also, this movie was not created to tell a true and accurate story of Noah. No one, absolutely no one, said that was the intention of the movie. 

I will tell you somethings that were accurate though. Genesis 6:22 says, "So Noah did everything exactly as God had commanded him." Aronofsky created his creator of Noah under this exact description. Despite doubts and confusion, the character Noah in the movie did everything the Lord commanded him to do. He was very obedient to the Lord.

Aronofsky also depicted God in a very accurate way. He gave a depiction of the world in a very low and wretched place, making God out to be justified in his decision to wipe out the earth. He also showed God to be very powerful and present through the whole process. Noah even mentioned a couple of times in the movie that God was providing all their needs. He also showed God's merciful and loving side. One part in the movie, Noah realizes that he has as much capability of wickedness as the people in the city. He even concludes that him and his family are not intended to live either. Yet, they do live, they make it out alive, showing that God is merciful to us. 

There is one part in the movie that I really liked. The king of the city is talking to God demanding that God speak with him, for he claims to be equal to God. When he does not hear from God, he decides to take matters into his own hands. He concludes that God does not choose his fate, that he chooses his own and will make sure that he makes it out alive. 

All I could think after hearing that was, "Wow, I know I have found myself thinking something very similar. Thinking that I can prevent something from happening. Thinking I can out smart God." He was so arrogant..... as am I at times. 

There is one part in the movie that literally brought tears to my eyes. Noah is telling the story of creation. Of how there was nothing..... then one voice came and brought it to life. The visual they added with this was unbelievable. I had chills and tears. All I could see was the power of God. The power he has to create something out of nothing. It was INCREDIBLE. 

Aronofsky did an excellent job portraying the reality of how horrible it must have been as people were dying. You could hear screaming as people were trying to prevent from drowning. All I could think is how much God's heart was breaking when all that was happening and I believe Aronofsky portrayed that heart break well through his characters in the movie. 

I really loved this movie. I could go into details about some of the inaccuracy but I'm not going to go there. Aronofsky definitely took some creative liberties in the movie. He filled in spaces with his own creative mind to help build a movie that is full of symbolism, creativity, and climax. He created a piece of art that would be intriguing and exciting. 

Did he have any intention of portraying who God is in this movie? I don't think so.

Is God's presence in the movie? ABSOLUTELY

Wanna know why? Because God doesn't need our help in telling His story. We don't have to have him in mind behind what we create for Him to be there. 

I was thinking about how I was making cookies with Ella one time. I could very easily had made the cookies by myself but instead I included her in the process. I did it because I wanted her to feel involved, for her to know she has purpose and meaning. I think this is how God is with us. He doesn't need us to tell his story but he wants us to help. He could do it without us perfectly, but He loves for us to be involved, he wants to show us that he has given us worth and meaning, because he HAS! 

Let's not be too quick to judge a movie just because the director has no intention of portraying God in it. God is much bigger than our intentions and He will show up if he wants to, because he CAN!

Aronofsky might not believe in God, but to be honest, I saw and felt God more in that movie than I have seen or felt through many church sermons. 

I love finding God in unlikely places.......

I. LOVE. IT!

Alone.

Have you ever read something that just hit the very core of you?

I mean, it hits you so hard that you really don't know how to react to it. You don't know whether to cry, laugh, scream, do a cartwheel.... you really don't know what to do at all!

That's EXACTLY how I felt after reading this blog by a girl named Meg called On Forgetting.

I've actually had the chance today to spend time by myself. When you are currently living in a two bedroom house with four other people, pure alone time becomes near impossible.

I kinda had forgotten the value in alone time. To get away from all the stimulation of people constantly being around you. It really is a beautiful place, something I haven't always seen the beauty in.

One of the many reasons that I tend to avoid alone time is because I don't like to face or deal with the uncomfortable thoughts and emotions I have.

I'm really bad about reflecting back on past situations, over analyzing or over thinking them. Trying to find a deeper meaning or motive behind a conversation or situation that took place. I'm also really bad at taking alone time to beat myself up over things that I have done that have hurt people. I'm actually horribly bad about doing that.

So here I am today, finally taking time to myself. The first few hours were nice. I really had deprived myself to the point that I was actually craving the alone time. It's kinda like having a horrible cough for months but you hate the taste of cough syrup, so instead you learn to deal with the cough. But then it gets so annoying and so disruptive to your life that you actually crave it's horrible taste. For you have reached the point that even pride has no power to keep you from that syrupy disgust they call medicine.

That's the point I had finally reached for alone time. I wanted it and I wanted to soak in it. Which I have been able to do all morning.

Then after the sweet relief and rest that you have been craving finally starts settling in, so do the thoughts and emotions you were trying to avoid. They flow in a clumpy way for me. It's not smooth, it's not clear. It's thick, clumpy, and messy.

I really don't want to deal with them but in another odd way, I kinda do. I kinda want to look at my thoughts and emotions and examine why they are so clumpy and nasty. I want to put myself under a microscope and see why I struggle with so many insecurities.


Going back to the blog I read, she mentioned how she's really bad at viewing herself from other peoples perspectives. Worrying and wondering how she appears to the people around her. It was after reading that, that it hit me. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I DO!

I look at myself from how I think others view me. I try to see myself from their perspective. I loved her response when she had the same reality.

"....I began to answer that question outside of myself, searching the eyes of men everywhere—at work, on the subway, in restaurants, in past-lovers. I began to cobble together an image of what I looked like based entirely off of what I read in the eyes of mostly strangers.

Which. Let me be frank. Is a terrible, TERRIBLE idea.

Because it meant the image of myself was distorted and inverted and tenuous and totally turned-around because 1. what the hell do I know about what any man sees when he looks at me and 2. what the hell do I/should I care?"

How beautiful is that? Seriously? HOW FREEING, LOVING, AND AMAZINGLY FANTASTIC IS THAT?!

Why should I care what others think? Why should I base my image on what others think? 

God created me.... HE CREATED ME.... From his image.... from the very core of who He is?

Nothing is better than that!

When we finally take off the lens. When we stop looking at ourselves through the camera of what we think everyone else see's, we're going to see some imperfections, we're going to see some dark places.

But then, lets dare..... let's be brave enough to see the beautiful places. The beautiful colors buried beneath the rocks. Lets look back and see the whole picture. 

Maybe.... Just maybe.... Our thoughts won't be so clumpy. Our emotions won't seem too heavy. We'll finally see us as God intended us to be seen. 

I want that freedom in my life and who says I can't have it. 

Don't Settle For Less

For as long as I can remember people have always told me not to settle when it comes to dating. "Know what kind of person you want to be with and don't settle for anything less." 

I understand where people come from in this. They've had experiences where they ended up dating someone or marrying someone who they did not have a lot in common with. In evaluating those relationships, I don't blame them for coming to those conclusions. In a sense, it's very wise to know the kind of person you're going to get along with.

Now, I am a single 26 year old. I've had my fair share of unhealthy relationships, I've had the "eh, not into this" dates, I've gone out with guys I liked but things didn't work out. I've always had the advice about not settling in the back of my mind. I believe I even came up with a "list" of characteristics I want in a relationship once upon a time. 

As time past, it's amazing how peoples advice about dating changes. It changes from "don't settle" to "don't be so picky". "You just never give guys a chance." Then when you're still single and not dating anyone it changes to "well girl, you don't need a man" "I don't understand why you're still single, you're so pretty" (Let me just clear that last one up for you all, pretty has nothing to so with a long term, committed relationship).

So here I am. Single. 

I've had (what feels like) a million women discuss my singleness with me. I've heard (what feels like) it ALL.  Advice after advice, opinion after opinion, encouragement after encouragement. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond appreciative for the conversations. I've had some very inspiring ones while also having some EXTREMELY frustrating ones. Ultimately though, everyone has good intentions and a good hear (for the most part). 

But out of all things I've heard, out of all of the thousand conversations I've had, I've only had one, YES ONE person really challenged me, really made me think in this area of my life. To my surprise it was a guy and all he said was, " I want to know YOU." 

I can't describe the fear and chaos that struck me with this one simple phrase. Me? You want to know me? The real, raw, ugly, imperfect, messy me? 

I began to realize that everything I had built dating on was completely and utterly wrong. Yes, it's important to know the kind if person you would like to be with but first, you must know yourself. Now, I've had this said to me, but it was kind of always in passing. It was thrown into the conversation almost as a side note. It was like the after dinner mint that really needed to be the main course of the meal. 

I was opened to realize that I've been judging all these guys who came around, trying to make sure I'm not "settling" when in reality I needed to make sure that I wasn't settling in my own potential. I need to be sure I'm going down the path and becoming the woman God made me to be. 

For me, that means throwing the list of things I eventually want in a relationship away and focusing on the person God created me to be and going in that directions. By doing so, I'm hoping that if I ever have a man come my way, he can get to know the real me. He will see and know who I am and not be intimidated by the fact that I am a continuing growing woman in Christ. I also want to be confident in who the real me is. I want to be able to be confident in who I am and not timid or scared that who I am is not enough. 

Honestly, if who I am is not enough to that person, that's their problem, not mine.

Relationships are about 2 whole people coming together to spend their lives together. If you're not whole, you're settling in the sense that you're holding yourself back from becoming the person you were made to be. You're holding yourself back from receiving the greatest love anyone could ever give you, a love of loving all of you..... Every square inch of you. The perfect, imperfect, beautiful, messy, eccentric, and chaotic parts of you.

I want to be a whole person. I want to know exactly who I am. What I enjoy, what I dislike. I'm taking the steps, going the distance, so that wholeness is not in a relationship, but in knowing and loving who God has created me to be.

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I wrote this on the plane ride back from San Diego. I then read this article by one of my newly favorite bloggers. She pretty much wrote EXACTLY what I was thinking, except her gift of writing is 100 times better than mine. I believe she worded exactly what I was trying to say PERFECTLY.

Why I Stopped Waiting for "The One"