Alone.

Have you ever read something that just hit the very core of you?

I mean, it hits you so hard that you really don't know how to react to it. You don't know whether to cry, laugh, scream, do a cartwheel.... you really don't know what to do at all!

That's EXACTLY how I felt after reading this blog by a girl named Meg called On Forgetting.

I've actually had the chance today to spend time by myself. When you are currently living in a two bedroom house with four other people, pure alone time becomes near impossible.

I kinda had forgotten the value in alone time. To get away from all the stimulation of people constantly being around you. It really is a beautiful place, something I haven't always seen the beauty in.

One of the many reasons that I tend to avoid alone time is because I don't like to face or deal with the uncomfortable thoughts and emotions I have.

I'm really bad about reflecting back on past situations, over analyzing or over thinking them. Trying to find a deeper meaning or motive behind a conversation or situation that took place. I'm also really bad at taking alone time to beat myself up over things that I have done that have hurt people. I'm actually horribly bad about doing that.

So here I am today, finally taking time to myself. The first few hours were nice. I really had deprived myself to the point that I was actually craving the alone time. It's kinda like having a horrible cough for months but you hate the taste of cough syrup, so instead you learn to deal with the cough. But then it gets so annoying and so disruptive to your life that you actually crave it's horrible taste. For you have reached the point that even pride has no power to keep you from that syrupy disgust they call medicine.

That's the point I had finally reached for alone time. I wanted it and I wanted to soak in it. Which I have been able to do all morning.

Then after the sweet relief and rest that you have been craving finally starts settling in, so do the thoughts and emotions you were trying to avoid. They flow in a clumpy way for me. It's not smooth, it's not clear. It's thick, clumpy, and messy.

I really don't want to deal with them but in another odd way, I kinda do. I kinda want to look at my thoughts and emotions and examine why they are so clumpy and nasty. I want to put myself under a microscope and see why I struggle with so many insecurities.


Going back to the blog I read, she mentioned how she's really bad at viewing herself from other peoples perspectives. Worrying and wondering how she appears to the people around her. It was after reading that, that it hit me. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I DO!

I look at myself from how I think others view me. I try to see myself from their perspective. I loved her response when she had the same reality.

"....I began to answer that question outside of myself, searching the eyes of men everywhere—at work, on the subway, in restaurants, in past-lovers. I began to cobble together an image of what I looked like based entirely off of what I read in the eyes of mostly strangers.

Which. Let me be frank. Is a terrible, TERRIBLE idea.

Because it meant the image of myself was distorted and inverted and tenuous and totally turned-around because 1. what the hell do I know about what any man sees when he looks at me and 2. what the hell do I/should I care?"

How beautiful is that? Seriously? HOW FREEING, LOVING, AND AMAZINGLY FANTASTIC IS THAT?!

Why should I care what others think? Why should I base my image on what others think? 

God created me.... HE CREATED ME.... From his image.... from the very core of who He is?

Nothing is better than that!

When we finally take off the lens. When we stop looking at ourselves through the camera of what we think everyone else see's, we're going to see some imperfections, we're going to see some dark places.

But then, lets dare..... let's be brave enough to see the beautiful places. The beautiful colors buried beneath the rocks. Lets look back and see the whole picture. 

Maybe.... Just maybe.... Our thoughts won't be so clumpy. Our emotions won't seem too heavy. We'll finally see us as God intended us to be seen. 

I want that freedom in my life and who says I can't have it.