You know, the kind of talking that you can't catch your breath fast enough. Words keep falling after each other, tripping over each other, trying to be heard, trying to to be in the spotlight.
I was there not too long ago. I found myself talking all the time. Trying to communicate something ALL THE TIME. I don't know if anyone around me was annoyed with it, but I was annoyed.
I realized that most of the words coming out of my mouth made zero sense. Most of them had zero purpose, but I still had the urge to keep talking.
I know why I was talking so much. I had so much on my heart and my mind at that time that I was trying to get them out. I was trying to find the words I was really looking for. In the nonsensical madness, I was trying to say something.... just one thing..... but I just couldn't find the right words. So instead, I would just talk in hopes that all my empty words would eventually have meaning. They would eventually fill that place inside of me that was squealing, yearning for just.the.right.word.
I found it. I found the word I was looking for.
It's one word, but the weight of this one word is beyond measure. No scale could ever give this word a proper measurement.
WORTH
There it is. So simple right? But then again it's not.
"worth is a really, really heavy question and really, really hard struggle—until of course it becomes the lightest, best thing in the world (but that takes time and I’m not there yet)—but because worth is at the heart of what-this-here-life-is-all-about and thus LARGE AND TERRIFTYING...."
WHAT THIS HERE LIFE IS ALL ABOUT
Isn't our sense of worth, what makes us or breaks us?
Isn't it what stands between us and our dream? Isn't it what makes us stay in a mediocre relationship? ISN'T IT WHAT KEEPS US FROM PURSUING A RELATIONSHIP THAT COULD BE MAGICAL?
Worth
I found that I've had a pretty low sense of worth my whole life. I'm not one to sit and wallow in self pity. I typically have a good 30 minute self pity party about something, complain about it over a glass (or two) of wine with a girlfriend, then move on my merry way.
So me being the hard worker I am, I have been working my ass off for years to try and fix my low sense of self worth. How have I done it? Well, setting a goal and achieving it sounds like a good start right?
Goal: Work to obtain a masters degree so that you can do a job where you can help people for the rest of your life (DONE)
How's your worth now? Eh, it's better, but I'm still not convinced.
Goal: Work to maintain close and stable relationships with friends and family (DONE)
How about now? Not much of a difference
Goal: Work to maintain a romantic relationship (NOT WORKING OUT AS PLANNED)
Now? Super crappy....... I'm actually exhausted...... I think my worth meter is dropping.... I don't have the strength to keep working like this....but if I stop, my worth meter is going to drop below where I need it to be..... but I can't keep living like this.... I just can't
I believe this is the point in time when God looks down on me, with a silly little grin and smiles gently.
Then he say's, "Emily, do you see something in common with all your goals?"
"Uh, well........ Maybe"
"What might that be?"
"Work, I see the word WORK."
"Yes, I don't come and go. I lasts. I am the Creator of all you can see or imagine. I don't get tired out, I don't pause to catch my breath. And I know everything, inside and out. I energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon Me get fresh strength.They spread their wings and soar like eagles, They run and don’t get tired, they walk and don’t lag behind."
Who can argue with a pep talk like that?
I've been working so hard to earn my worth, to prove to myself that I am worthy, when in reality, it has been there all along. I just need to believe it.
Someone mentioned not too long ago how our hearts are the most deceptive things about us. Lately, I've been really challenged to look into my heart and see what I can find. This is where I've discovered my lack of self worth. I've been trying to build it and measure it by all the wrong things. I've been looking to people and relationships to help sustain and build my sense of self worth. What I've come to find out is that that is too big of a task for anyone to take on. No one has the power or energy to take on that kind of job. I'm having to look to the one who never tires, who never grows weak. The one who DOES NOT NEED ME BUT CHOOSES TO HAVE ME.
I've been working hard, because I am a hard worker, when I could be working smart instead (there is a huge difference).
"Worth.... really heavy.... really hard.... but can be the lightest thing in the world"
Hmmmm...... I like light things.
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