Don't Settle For Less

For as long as I can remember people have always told me not to settle when it comes to dating. "Know what kind of person you want to be with and don't settle for anything less." 

I understand where people come from in this. They've had experiences where they ended up dating someone or marrying someone who they did not have a lot in common with. In evaluating those relationships, I don't blame them for coming to those conclusions. In a sense, it's very wise to know the kind of person you're going to get along with.

Now, I am a single 26 year old. I've had my fair share of unhealthy relationships, I've had the "eh, not into this" dates, I've gone out with guys I liked but things didn't work out. I've always had the advice about not settling in the back of my mind. I believe I even came up with a "list" of characteristics I want in a relationship once upon a time. 

As time past, it's amazing how peoples advice about dating changes. It changes from "don't settle" to "don't be so picky". "You just never give guys a chance." Then when you're still single and not dating anyone it changes to "well girl, you don't need a man" "I don't understand why you're still single, you're so pretty" (Let me just clear that last one up for you all, pretty has nothing to so with a long term, committed relationship).

So here I am. Single. 

I've had (what feels like) a million women discuss my singleness with me. I've heard (what feels like) it ALL.  Advice after advice, opinion after opinion, encouragement after encouragement. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond appreciative for the conversations. I've had some very inspiring ones while also having some EXTREMELY frustrating ones. Ultimately though, everyone has good intentions and a good hear (for the most part). 

But out of all things I've heard, out of all of the thousand conversations I've had, I've only had one, YES ONE person really challenged me, really made me think in this area of my life. To my surprise it was a guy and all he said was, " I want to know YOU." 

I can't describe the fear and chaos that struck me with this one simple phrase. Me? You want to know me? The real, raw, ugly, imperfect, messy me? 

I began to realize that everything I had built dating on was completely and utterly wrong. Yes, it's important to know the kind if person you would like to be with but first, you must know yourself. Now, I've had this said to me, but it was kind of always in passing. It was thrown into the conversation almost as a side note. It was like the after dinner mint that really needed to be the main course of the meal. 

I was opened to realize that I've been judging all these guys who came around, trying to make sure I'm not "settling" when in reality I needed to make sure that I wasn't settling in my own potential. I need to be sure I'm going down the path and becoming the woman God made me to be. 

For me, that means throwing the list of things I eventually want in a relationship away and focusing on the person God created me to be and going in that directions. By doing so, I'm hoping that if I ever have a man come my way, he can get to know the real me. He will see and know who I am and not be intimidated by the fact that I am a continuing growing woman in Christ. I also want to be confident in who the real me is. I want to be able to be confident in who I am and not timid or scared that who I am is not enough. 

Honestly, if who I am is not enough to that person, that's their problem, not mine.

Relationships are about 2 whole people coming together to spend their lives together. If you're not whole, you're settling in the sense that you're holding yourself back from becoming the person you were made to be. You're holding yourself back from receiving the greatest love anyone could ever give you, a love of loving all of you..... Every square inch of you. The perfect, imperfect, beautiful, messy, eccentric, and chaotic parts of you.

I want to be a whole person. I want to know exactly who I am. What I enjoy, what I dislike. I'm taking the steps, going the distance, so that wholeness is not in a relationship, but in knowing and loving who God has created me to be.

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I wrote this on the plane ride back from San Diego. I then read this article by one of my newly favorite bloggers. She pretty much wrote EXACTLY what I was thinking, except her gift of writing is 100 times better than mine. I believe she worded exactly what I was trying to say PERFECTLY.

Why I Stopped Waiting for "The One"