2015, I don't hate you.

The year is coming to an end and my favorite thing to do at this time of year is to reflect.

I'm not going to lie, one of my favorite things in the world is to get lost in my head. I love getting away from people and just diving into my little world in my head. It's a very happy world. So as the year ends, I dive into my world of memories and reflect on what I have learned and what I want to take with me into the next year.

Here are my lessons from 2015:

Stop planning your life.
That's been the biggest lesson of this year. STOP TRYING TO PLAN OUT YOUR LIFE. First off, I'm terrible at it. Sometimes I just want an idea to chase after, a goal, something to strive for. But this is RIDICULOUSLY boring for me. I've tried setting up weekly routines for myself. You know, go to work, exorcise on Tuesdays and Thursdays after work, cook dinner every Monday night, etc. But what I have found is this, I will accomplish set routine for one week, pat myself on the back for it, then try to repeat it again the next week. Then the next week comes, Tuesday arrives and I find more excitement with not doing as I had planned than actually doing what I had planned. This continues to happen. No matter what I try to set up for myself through out the week, I end up jumping at any spur of the moment opportunity (and finding more joy in the unplanned aspect) rather than sticking with my plan.

Not only do I like to randomly change my plans, but if I have a set plan that I'm satisfied with and something out of my control comes in and changes the plans MY HEART BREAKS INTO A MILLION PIECES. Even though I know that I would have ended up changing what I had in mind at the last minute, when the universe dives in and messes with my plans, I am heart broken and can struggle to take in the new turn of events. (Example: I had a to buy a new car this year.Wasn't planning on it, but I had no other choice. I'm just now getting to the point where I'm enjoying the car and not grieving over the fact that I have a car payment).

Always choose to cheer for people's good, even if that means you're not involved.
When you choose to want good for people, you find yourself feeling free. You find yourself not allowing control into relationships and when control is gone, true love finds its way to the surface. The hardest part about this is that sometimes you can't be there to watch the good happen. You can't be the person on the other side of the table getting to watch and experience play by play moments of a persons change. It's not that you're a bad person, it's just that people build more solid foundations on their own. If you love people, you won't put yourself in a position where their happiness depends on you. That's not true love. True love is praying for the best for them. It's praying and hoping they find all the happiness this world has to offer. It's hoping that one day, when they are happy, you will be able to join them in the happiness that they were able to build for themselves.

Listen to your intuition and dreams.
This has been the biggest, eye opening, change of the year. I have had multiple incidents where I just knew what I needed to do (without rhyme nor reason) and in the midst of the insanity, it turned out that my intuition led me in the right direction. I've also had dreams about certain people and they have ironically came true in some form or fashion. Learning to trust my intuition has helped me so much this year.

Do something that scares the hell out of you.
My biggest scare moment was taking a trip across the country by myself. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know what it would feel like to be completely dependent on my own wit and knowledge in a city I knew nothing about. Yet, this is the biggest highlight of the year for me. You learn so much about yourself when you give yourself the opportunity to step outside yourself.

Write all the letters you want.
I love writing letters. It's my favorite. Sometimes I just want to talk with certain people about certain things that are really deep and for whatever reason, I enjoy doing this in the form of letters. I actually have a file saved on my computer that are just letters to people. Some I have sent, others I have not. I realized that I process better by writing letters, by saying all the things that are hard for me to say in person. So I'm going to keep writing letters and always give myself the choice to keep them or send them.

Tell and show people you love them.
I'm a feeler. I feel ALL emotions intensely. Most feelers hate that they feel so much, but I honestly don't hate it. It's probably my favorite part of myself, yet it's the part I keep hidden. I realized that I have the hardest time fully expressing to people how I feel about them. Sometimes I just want to go and give people the biggest hug as a way to pour all the love I feel into them, yet I hold back more than I follow through. I'm an affectionate person and it's something I've hidden for so long. I'm learning to not be so afraid to show people how much I love them.

Stop hiding. PERIOD.
Not only do I hide emotions, but I just hide a lot about myself in general. I cannot tell you how many times I found myself in a conversation where I kept my true thoughts to myself. I have a thick layer that I wear outside that I show to people. I'm comfortable showing this layer, so I wear it freely. Yet, I have a whole other part of my that I like to hide, even from my closest friends. This layer isn't meant to be on the surface, we all have part that we only share with a select few, but I have come to learn that I even hide this part from the people who I know love me. It's not that I have this deep dark secret that I don't want anyone to know, it's just that I carry more meaning to life than I want to admit most of the time. I'm slowly learning to let the people I know I can trust in and not weigh the worth of what is inside of me based on their reaction or views.

You don't always need a hand to hold.
I'm a friend addict. I have many friends and I love surrounding myself with my friends. This year has taught me that I do not alway need a friend to be there in every aspect of my life. I do not need attention constantly from people. In fact, I've learn to enjoy time alone rather than trying to make sure someone is always with me. I have found more joy and comfort in not being stimulated by people constantly. It's a beautiful place when you find yourself wanting to be around people rather than needing to be around them.

As the title of this blog states, I really don't hate 2015. It's actually going down as one of the good years for me. I've continued to find healing from the pains of 2014. I'm learning to hold onto the hope that things are only going to get better.

Thank you, 2015. You have a special place in my heart.

Thankful

It's Sunday night. It's the end of a long much needed break.

I'm lying in bed with just a few lights lit that hang on the wall behind my bed. I can hear the trickling of rain drops just outside my window. There are owls hooting. Actually owls hooting outside my window right now. The smell of our newly cut Frazier Fern is already dominating the fragrance of each room in this little home.

As I went through my nightly routine, I already found my mind wandering into all the small crevices in my mind. These little crevices are the dark holes in my life that do not have an answer just yet. Some will have answers eventually, some I may never have the answer. My mind is like a constant game of frogger, just trying to make it to the other side of the road just to try and cross another busy intersection. It's constantly wandering, constantly searching for answers.

My mind wandered back to the holiday weekend. I thought about how everyone was talking about all the things they are thankful for. How it is the one time of year we try to focus on what we have and less about what we want.

I'm beginning to realize how easy it is to say what you're thankful for yet, to feel thankful is another story. Feeling thankful is the hardest in my opinion. It's one thing to say something but it's a whole other thing to say it and mean it.

I receive many compliments about my positive attitude and how I have this ability to put a positive twist to just about anything. It's an ability I have developed due to a few reasons. One reason: I hate how speaking negative makes me feel. Allowing hate and negativity outside of my mouth does absolutely nothing for me. I don't feel better afterwards, I tend to feel worse. Second reason: I speak positive because I don't always feel positive. I found that when I feel negative and speak negatively, well, I usually continue to feel negative. But when I speak positively, I don't always feel positive afterwards, but sometimes I do. Sometimes I feel better when I look at the bright side of a situation.

I find myself more and more focusing on what I don't have rather than what I do have. I get so caught up in my mind sometimes that I forget that I'm right where I need to be at this moment in my life. That good will continue to flow in and all I have to do is wait for it. I DO have much to be thankful for. I DO have a life worth singing praises over, yet my heart just doesn't always want to dance with that tune. It doesn't always want to believe that my life, as of this very moment, is enough.

So I have to continue to find ways to express my gratitude for what is laid before me. I have to find ways to do this daily, not just during Thanksgiving. We are all given one life to live and I don't want to get to the end of it and realize that I spent the majority of my life worrying about what the end would look like.

Brave.

About 2 summers ago, I was going through a really tough phase in my life. I would find myself waking up in the morning not wanting to get out of bed. 

Now, I'm not a morning person so I truly never want to get out of bed in the morning, but this feeling of not wanting to get out of bed was different from my normal "anti-morning" attitude. This feeling was heavy on me and I literally did not want to face the day. Some days I had the privilege of not having to, so I would allow myself in the morning to let the heaviness take over and pray it would pass. It always did within an hour or 2. I would finally find a way to get out of the bed and face the day.

The heaviness (that's the only way I know how to describe it) would sometimes hit me in the middle of the day. I remember one day in particular when I was babysitting that it hit me. The little girl I watch was 4 at the time and despite the joy and energy that rushes out of her constantly, I was struggling to keep my head above water for the day. 

I'll never forget one day in particular. I had taken her to the park or museum that day and she was able to entertain herself for the most part by making friends with other kids. I remember being grateful because I barely had the mental energy to engage her most of the day. We had come back to her house and she wanted to play with my hair. Again, I was thankful for this small act because it gave me a moment of calmness to help give me the strength I needed for the rest of the day.

We sat on her bed and she began to twist my hair, trying to braid it. We sat in silence for a while, I felt the heaviness on my chest. The little 4 year old, randomly, breaks the silence and says, "Be brave. Just like Sara Bareilles says. Say what you want to say and be brave."

She then continued to play with my hair and quickly jumped into the next thing she wanted to do.

It's funny how God can use the innocence of a child's favorite song to tell you exactly what you need to hear.

Be brave.

That little pep talk actually got me through the day. It got me through some dark days, the thought that bravery was needed to overcome the emotional hurdles I was having to face. Bravery was needed to face truths I had buried deep inside of me and to accept them as my life boat, not my demise.

I started reading Elizabeth Gilbert's new book "Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear". I wasn't 10 pages in before she resurfaced the word 'brave' for me. She speaks of a poet by the name of Jack Gilbert and she writes an excerpt of what his students had to say he taught them.

"...he asked his students to be brave. Without bravery, he instructed, they would never be able to realize the vaulting scope of their own capacities. Without bravery, they would never know the world as richly as it longs to be known. Without bravery, their lives would remain small- far smaller than they probably wanted their lives to be."

It took God and bravery to get me through that summer. I'll never forget the feeling of myself coming back to the surface. I'll never forget the vibrations of the laughs that helped the feelings come back to life. What I felt was only been a small taste of depression but it was enough for me to never want to feel it again, and to empathize more with people who struggle with it.

To be brave is a characteristic we forget to encourage people to be. It often goes under looked and neglected, yet it's the very thing we need to be ourselves. You truly can't live in the skin you're meant to live in without it. You can't live the life you have always longed for without stepping onto the edge of bravery and leaping into the unknown. It takes bravery to change. It takes bravery to walk away. It takes bravery to risk everything to live the life you have always imagined.

I'm already pumped about this book. Creativity lives within me but it's the one thing I'm the most insecure about. 

It takes a mountain of bravery to write these blogs sometimes. It takes a lot of encouragement from multiple people for me to step outside the box as my practice as a counselor. My fear with being creative can paralyze me at times, but it's apart of who I am and it would be a shame to neglect any part of myself.

Bravery resurfaced tonight. It came back, reminding me that I need to to move forward, I need it in order to grow as a person.

So I leave you with the same quote that Jack Gilbert left for one of his students, " Do you have the courage? Do you have the courage to bring forth this work? The treasures that are hidden inside you are hoping you will say YES."

You Don't Need to Know EVERYTHING

Thoughts are always accumulating in my head. I have a million different streams running all in different directions at different speeds. I really have to make myself focus when it comes to listening to long winded people. If I'm not careful, I'll dive deep into my head, getting lost in the familiar chaos. 

I haven't written a blog in a while due to the fact that my thoughts have been less focused and more chaotic. It's been a struggle to really narrow everything down and really identify what I need to get out. Instead I have been journaling my thoughts, doing a more streaming dialogue where I do not try and pay attention to what exactly I'm writing, I just write. 

Today I had brunch with a friend and something about our honest conversation calmed my chaotic mind and all of the sudden I could think a little clearer. The light that settled the dust was a simple truth stated in the conversation, "You do not have to know everything life has in store for you."

I'm intuitive, constantly plagued with feelings that tend to be extremely accurate. I have the ability to have an idea of what is to come, what the future might hold for me. But when my intuition has quieted down, when the present is not filled with the things that I am sure will come, I find myself getting lost in my head. I get lost trying to figure out what will happen, what will the future bring. 

It creates a massive amount of anxiety in a persons life when they decide to take on the role of determining their future. It takes you away from the present moment, with the present people who do nothing but pour good things onto you. 

After taking in and processing the truth that one does not have to know what their future holds, I began to see a bigger picture. I began to see that when you live your life searching for your future, you end up building this sense of entitlement. You begin to live with the attitude that you are entitled to know your future. You end up taking all the reigns in your life, bundling them up in you arms, and disconnect yourself from trust. Trust and faith slowly begin to fade and you put yourself into a god like position, saying that you are the only one worthy of control in your life. 

I currently have a student that I have been working with this semester. There is something about her that I'm drawn to. Despite the exhaustion she can bring into your day (and she does daily) I can't help but enjoy her. She wears her teachers and other staff members out frequently and this is because she's always working to have control in the situation. It's a constant power play. 

As I sat with the people I work with, discussing new idea's and interventions that would benefit her, I found the real truth behind her behavior falling from my lips. She goes into power play with teachers or other staff members because somewhere along the way, she has already learned that the only person she can trust is herself. She's really not intentionally being difficult. She has just learned at the age of 16 that the only person she can really trust to watch out for her is herself.

She's 16. I know and you probably know that she can't make sound decisions for herself right now. She does not have the wisdom or experience to truly take care of herself yet, she has decided to cut herself off from trust and faith in others. If anyone is going to be in control from now on, it's going to be her.

This girl is setting herself for a life full of trouble, yet I find myself doing the exact same thing with God. I pull the reigns from his hands and say, "You know what, I got this. I'm going to do this from now on. I'll let you know if I need help."

The lesson comes fast as the anxiety rises. I quickly learn that a life planned by me and me alone will not turn out as I had planned. It will not always go the way I want. And as my plans continue to come crashing down in front of me, I slowly begin to find gratitude in my heart. I slowly find that the plans I had laid out for myself were only a false sense of security. What I thought I needed was only a fraction of what I could have. 

You have to find a way to trust that God really does have things in store for you and that he really doesn't have to let you in on the plan. He says he knows what the plan is (Jeremiah 29:11) and promises that what he has in store is good. 

The more plans I make for myself, the more disappointment I'm going to find. The one thing that both my friend and I could agree on this morning is this: the BEST things that happen in life are the very things we did not plan for.

Your timing is perfect. Mine sucks.

There is an episode in the show The Office where Michael Scott has fallen asleep at his desk. While he is asleep, the staff walks to every clock in the office and changes the time to 5:00. They make a loud noise that wakes him from his nap. He walks out of his office and realizes the clock says it's 5:00 and tells everyone they can go home for the day.

It would be so nice to do this at work. Change all the clocks so that you can go home an extra 2 or 3 hours early. It would be nice to not only do this at work but just in life in general.

It's a curse and a blessing to be an intuitive person. To know something is going to happen but know you don't have a hand in the matter. Knowing there is not a digital clock of your life that you could go and change the time so that what you know will happen, happens.

In the office episode, they made it appear that is was 5:00 but the truth is that it wasn't. It wasn't time to go home, it there were still hours in the work day. If this had been a real scenario, they would have come back to work the next day having to stay and endure the real 5:00. The wait for the real 5:00 would have been more painful, slower than normal.

As badly as I want to manipulate real time and speed up certain processes, I have to tell myself to stop. I tell myself to chill and trust in the real timing. I have to tell myself to live in the moments that are placed before me. I have to allow laughter to come from the bottom of my stomach. I have to allow the tears to fall hard. Each moment is a gift and time is going to run out before we know it. Promises will come. Our dreams will come to pass. I just don't want to spend my life wishing for good things and miss all the good that is laid before me each day.

I keep reading metaphors about sowing, plowing, and growing. I've been reading Ralph Waldo Emerson's The Spiritual Emerson. For a man who wrote over a hundred years ago, he gets me. He says this, " There is a time in every man's education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better for worse as his portion; that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given him to till."

I was counseling a student today and I found myself telling him something that I needed to hear myself (as a find myself doing many days). I told him that we live in a world where instant gratification is expected. We expect to overcome the biggest hurdles and mountains in our lives over night. We are very slow to give time and energy into things, we want them taken care of immediately. But what we miss with instant gratification is the joy and freedom that comes when you give something time. When you allow time into working a problem, you find that you heal more permanently, you walk away with a purer joy than you would with instant gratification.

I can't play with time. I have to trust that it knows what it's doing and that I do not have a clue. Time will not always be easy to deal with, but I can't help but believe it's worth trusting in.

Healthy Living

At the end of last year I had an unexpected health problem arrive. I had an ovarian cyst on my right side that had grown to about 4 cm causing some damage to my sciatic nerve. For those who do not know, the sciatic nerve is the largest nerve in your body and starts at the lower spine running down to your foot. I do not know the details of how exactly the cyst damaged my nerve, all I know is that I was experiencing the most excruciating pain of my life. I didn't know at the time that what was going on. All I knew is that I had a sharp pain in my right side that literally made me not want to breath in fear that breathing alone would be like someone stabbing a knife in my side.

I went to the ER that night, found out it was a cyst, went home to wait for morning to where I could go see my OBGYN. The next morning the pain was still terrible. My mom had to help me get dressed because I couldn't bend over without having another sharp pain in my side. The cyst thankfully dissipated the next day and I didn't have to have any other major medical procedures.

Even though the cyst had only been large enough to cause damage for a grand total of 15 hours, the damage it left behind was miserable. The inflammation to the nerve made simple everyday task hard such as walking or bending over. It took me about 2 days before I could do simple task without help from others.

Even though the cyst had dissipated, the damage to the nerve was still there. After some research I had learned that the pain I was experiencing from the nerve damage is called sciatica. For those who have had sciatica before know that it's probably one of the most annoying problems to have. It is LITERALLY a "pain in your butt". I was researching sciatica and what all you need to do to help it heal. I was not happy with the results. I found that it takes about 4 weeks for sciatica to completely heal and during that time period you cannot run (being a runner this was not exciting news). You are not to spend long periods of times sitting (which is true because it hurts to sit) and the only thing you can do is take ibuprofen and walk frequently.

This was a hard time for me. It's one thing to choose not to run or exercise (which if I'm being honest I was not doing as much before the cyst) but it's a whole other things to NOT have the choice.

It took exactly as long as everything I had read said it would. I spent 4 weeks with a literal pain in my butt. It hurt to sit, it hurt to walk. I'm pretty sure it hurt just to think some days.

Finally, come mid January, the pain was lessening and I was getting better. Except at this point I had grown use to not making time to exercise throughout the week. I had slowly started slacking off before the cyst with my running and yoga, too. So when the sciatica developed, it just plunged me deeper into the not exercising routine (even though I was still eating like I was running and exercising).

In February, I went snowboarding for the first time with a friend. As I was trying to learn to snowboard, I realized how out of shape I had become. My confidence was no where to be found. I realized how dependent I had become on my bodies ability for me to feel confident enough to try something new. I wasn't as motivated to learn the whole trip.

I've continued to have issues over the year. Cyst still develop though I have not had one to debilitate me again. Even though the sciatica cleared up, I've had issues with inflammation. If a cyst grows enough to shift things just enough to stir up inflammation, I can be thrown into another 4 weeks of sciatic pain.

The snowboarding trip really brought to light how much my confidence is dependent on the physical shape I'm in. The more physically healthy I am the more confident I am to try new physical activities. With the on and off sciatic issues, it's made it a real struggle to stay in physical good health because I can be set back on progress in no time.

I've had to make a few health changes to help prevent more problems. I've stopped drinking soda's as much to keep from my body getting dehydrated. I found myself waking with leg cramps multiple nights one month. After cutting out soda's, I haven't had a leg cramp since. It's been little changes in my diet that has help me get back in shape and has also help with my personal confidence level. I'm not as intimidated to try something new again, my adventurous side is not as hindered.

I've been reading Scary Close by Donald Miller lately. This book talks about his personal journey when it  come to developing relationships with people. It has been an eye opening read for me, I've been drinking in each word he writes. One of the things he talks about is the difference between a healthy person and an unhealthy person. In this discussion of healthy, he's not referring to physical health, he's talking about mental and emotional health.

I'll be honest, it wasn't that hard for me to change into a healthier physical lifestyle. The more water you drink the more that's what you start to crave. The more vegetables and fruits you eat, the more that's what you start wanting. But to change into a lifestyle that helps cultivate a mental and emotional state of health is different. It's one thing to change what you're eating, it's a whole other thing to change your thinking habits or the people you spend time with.

All it takes for you to know where you stand in your level of physical health is whether you can move for long periods of time without losing your breath or by your pant size. These things are more obvious and it takes a deep level of denial for us to truly deny the fact that we are physically out of shape. But to be emotionally and mentally out of shape, it's a little easier to hide from.

We live in a world full of distractions. There is literally something to do at a swipe of a phone or a click of a button. It is so easy to distract yourself each moment of the day in order to keep yourself from knowing the true emotional state you are living in.

For me, I've come to find how emotionally healthy I am with how honest I'm willing to be with myself and others. It's how brave and confident I feel, despite all the fear I experience, when I start walking toward the deep and dark corners of my soul. Just like I'm more confident in trying new physical activities when I'm physically healthy, I'm more confident to adventure into knowing who I am when I'm emotionally and mentally healthy.

I think it's easy to think you are emotionally and mentally healthy if you hardly have problems in relationships with people. It's easy to think that the more healthy you are, the less struggles you have. I personally do not believe this to be true. Hard times and difficulties are going to find you, always. No matter how in shape you are, no matter how well you stay in check with yourself, hard times will come. How you can tell if you are emotionally healthy or not is by the level of confidence you have that you will make it through, that this hard time will pass, and that you will make it out.

I have a terrible history of not being honest with myself. I never wanted to confess where my weak points were out of fear that I would not be loved. I learned how to over emphasize my good so that the bad would seem smaller. But this way of living will not complete you. To hide from the imperfect parts of yourself will only make you feel less whole. It makes love out to be conditional, not unconditional. And if you are only giving yourself conditional love, how can you give anyone else unconditional love?

Over the past year, writing has been my way of learning to be honest with myself again. I always tell people that pen and paper do no judge you. It never tells you what you are feeling is wrong. It's the best listener out there.

Healthy living is so much more than learning to eat right and exercise regularly. It's also about learning to speak truth over your life. It's learning to love imperfection daily and knowing that imperfect is the window you need to allow love, grace, and mercy into you life.

Some Childish Thing Are Not Always Childish

I'll never forget the excitement of being a child at Christmas time. When I was a kid, we would get the JCPenny catalog. The catalog had pictures of clothes, furniture, and toys. I remember my siblings and I going through the magazine and mark all the things we wanted. I can't remember exactly how we did this, whether we had our own colored marker or initialed our names beside the gift. All I remember is doing this for years. As the catalog found it's way into our home, months before the weather was cold enough to even think about Christmas, we would get a turn and go through the magazine with wide eyes and big dreams of marking the things we wanted.

I really don't remember all the things I got for Christmas over the years or if they were from the catalog or not, but I do remember one Christmas really wanting a particular toy. I was probably somewhere around 2nd or 3rd grade. At the time they had these stuffed animals that you could draw on. I remember seeing commercials for it and seeing it in the stores. It took two interest of mine at the time and combined them. That was what I really wanted for Christmas. I remember seeing the presents wrapped under the tree and something inside of me told me that the toy I wanted was there, waiting for me. I never once tried to peek (I actually never tried finding Christmas presents as a kid). Everyday I would walk by the tree and even though there were only boxes wrapped in paper, I knew what I wanted was waiting there for me.

Sure enough, Christmas morning rolled around. I woke up and discovered that what I had known all along was there. What I had asked for had been given to me. What I had hoped for had come true.

I feel like adulthood is similar to waiting for Christmas as a child. Many of us have dreams. Many of us desire certain types of relationships, plane tickets, children, a job we love, etc. Whatever it is that you might be waiting for, it probably feels a lot like waiting for Christmas as a child. Even though it came once a year, it felt like decades before it would arrive. Even if the catalog arrived in September, it felt like a whole other year passed before Christmas arrived and you got to see if what you had asked for was waiting for you.

Waiting is hard. I don't believe it's something that gets easier the older you get. We tell children to wait all the time, as if it's something easy to do, but it isn't. Waiting requires patience. Waiting requires that the answer you have been seeking for so long will finally appear. Waiting requires trust.

I've had a few dreams about my own desires lately. The interesting thing about my dreams lately has been that they each serve the same message. They each have said that timing is a thing. That in order for the gift to fully be given, to be fully appreciated, you have to give it time.

I'm learning, slowly but surely, that when you trust that your desire will be given to you, in the right timing, you get to experience that same anticipation as you did as a kid. It's like walking past that Christmas tree with the gift right in front of you all over again. It's that feeling of knowing that what you have asked for is waiting for you. It's knowing that it would spoil Christmas if you are unwilling to wait. The anticipation, the trusting, the believing is what makes the gift so special.

The toy I got that Christmas, God only knows what happened to it. I'm sure the ink dried to the marker and the stuffing came out of the stuffed animal, but in the end it wasn't about the toy. In the end it was about knowing your desires were heard, it's about knowing that someone cared enough to give you what your little heart desired in the moment. It was about waking up Christmas morning to find out that what you had hoped for was true.

LIFE.

It was a Saturday night as we sat curled up on the couch in the dimly lit room. Hashing out life is our favorite thing to do. When you no longer have enough fingers and toes to count the years of friendship, filters in conversations leave and raw truth always pours out.

It doesn’t seem to matter how long we’ve known each other, one of us always finds ourselves obsessing over a boy.

“He does this and says this, does it mean anything?”

“I think he likes me. He talks me often, but I don’t really know.”

These are things you can only be vulnerable about to your closest friend. You know you can express your thoughts and fears without receiving judgment from the other side.

As I sat in the room and listened to the same questions I have heard time and time again, it hit me.

“What if this is only a speck in your life but you’re turning it into a boulder? What if God is trying to show you something that is bigger than this relationship?”

I’m surprised by what comes out of my mouth sometimes. As I listen to friends talk about their lives, I find myself saying something that I need to hear, too. Truth comes pouring out like a waterfall and I can’t help but drink it in as well.

I see articles and post daily about relationships. Articles talking about what men want, others talking about why women are crazy. We live in a relationship-obsessed culture that tries to sell us this idea that the best thing that could ever happen in our lives is for the perfect someone to fall into it.

So in the midst of smoke from all the spinning wheels, I looked my friend in the eye and said, “ We are quick to think that a relationship will be the highlight of our life, but shouldn’t LIFE itself be the highlight?”

Shouldn't our day-to-day lives be filled with wonder, adventure, and curiosity? Shouldn't we find ways to make fear and joy dance in our stomach together? It really is the best feeling in the world.

I’ve bought a plane ticket for one. I’m flying to Portland, OR in October, solo. This is a huge leap for me, to go to a new city alone. To challenge myself to step outside my own comfort zone and to spend a long weekend only thinking about what I want to do, what I want to experience. I told someone over a year ago that one of my favorite things to happen in life is when I meet a boy who I like and they like me back. It really is a rare occurrence. But when it happens, every little detail is exciting. The way they’ll text me in the middle of the day. Getting so lost in conversation that you hardly realize the bar is closing. A little flutter comes into my chest and I just love that little flutter. As much as I love the flutter, I decided that I did not want to be dependent on another to give me that flutter. I wanted to find a way to give it to myself. So I booked a plane ticket. I haven’t left for the airport yet, I have no idea what I will do in this new city but every time I see the reserved ticket, I feel that flutter.

Relationships are beautiful. They are to be cherished and I look forward to having a romantic relationship one day. It can be one of my favorite aspects in life but I can’t help but breathe a little easier knowing that it doesn’t have to complete me, it doesn’t have to be the peak in life you’ve been waiting for.

LIFE IS THE PEAK.

LIFE IS THE HIGHLIGHT.

Go and find your flutter.

Without You

This life is ours for the taking, girl. It’s ours to wrap in warm blankets and rest in beneath the stars. It’s ours to love and laugh in. 

When we take the reins, yet let go just enough, we find that God has an unconceivable way of taking us exactly where we didn’t know we wanted to go. 

Life slowly falls into place and you slowly only want to think good things about people who walked away.

Respect takes over, it has the winning hand.

Life is moving on without you. I never really knew it could. 

You’re not here but there is still joy, happiness, and freedom with every ounce that I miss you with. Your love filled me once. I carry it with me still. 

May my heart hold on to the good and allow the positives to grow reasons for letting go. 

For when the letting go comes, I want it to be with a smile and tears. A warm embrace and a kiss on the cheek goodbye. 

For this had to be done in order to grow. This had to be done so that new adventures may come. 

May my life find meaning in the joy and swim in the freedom of Christ, but not be killed when hardship and struggles come.

Emotionally High Maintenance

I am not responsible for other people's emotional state. I am not responsible for other people's emotional state. I'm not responsible for other people's emotional state.......

I wrote this repeatedly the other day. It's something I have been preaching to myself for months now. It's a weight and a lie that I have carried on my shoulders for years to think that I am responsible for other people's emotional state.

I am not responsible for other people's emotional state.

It was a harsh reality the day I realized that I was emotionally high maintenance. Having to admit that you are high maintenance about anything is hard (at least for me it is). Having to sit yourself down and confront yourself about the fact that you are a feeler, you feel EVERYTHING. I feel my own emotions. I feel other people's emotions. No matter how I try to fight it, I feel things constantly, which means I carry a lot of emotions daily. When you look up the word "high maintenance" in the urban dictionary the first sentence to describes the phrase is, "requiring a lot of attention". This made me realize that I need more attention towards my emotions. But I didn't need this attention from other people, I needed it from myself. I need to check in with myself daily. I have to make it a weekly habit of sitting down with my laptop or pen and paper and require myself to be honest with where I am.

YOU are not responsible for my emotional state.

I had a beautiful and loving conversation with a good friend a few nights ago. As we each laid our hearts on the table for each other I told her that I didn't think people realize how much I think about them. I think about other people ALL THE TIME. It's insane really. If I were to put a percentage to it, I would say that I think about other people 70% of the time. This is actually an improved number. For most of my life it's probably looked more like 90% for others and 10% for myself.

You are responsible for your emotional state and your emotional state ONLY.

So what happens to a person who is emotional high maintenance but is only thinking about themselves and taking care of themselves 10% of the time? Well, that person puts the responsibility into other people's hands. You placed the responsibility into your hands to take care of everyone else emotions, so wouldn't it only make sense that you look for someone else to take care of yours?

I AM responsible for my own emotional state.

I'm slowly growing to learn that I cannot consume my mind with other people. When I consume my mind with other people I neglect my own emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. I have to believe that the healthiest relationships are developed with healthy people. You can only truly be a healthy person if you are not emotionally dependent on another person. You find yourself getting angry at people less. You take more off their plate and realize that it is NOT their responsibility to take care of you. If you are a full functioning adult, then you are responsible for you, NO ONE ELSE IS.

I am not responsible for other people's emotional state.

I am, however, responsible for my actions towards other people. It's my responsibility to speak love to others. When I am not taking care of my own emotional needs alone, I can be quick to blame people for things that are not their fault. I can be quick to speak truth in anger instead of love. I can be quick to push someone down when they so desperately needed a positive lift.

I am not responsible for other people's emotional state.

Yes, I am emotionally high maintenance. I'm not ashamed to admit that now. I'm emotionally high maintenance but the extra attention needed to manage this can only come from me, no one else. I have to build of lifestyle where self care is a priority so that I can support those who need to be supported. I can love people unconditionally without expecting something in return. Even though I'm not responsible for other people's emotional state, I do believe it is my calling to stand beside people and help empower them to take care of themselves, too. It's a beautiful thing to hand the wand over to someone and say, "I can't make you happy. Only you can and I want to help you do it." It's like helping a child ride a bike. In order for them to learn, you show them what to do, hold onto the bike for a while, and then you let go. You let them fall. You let them get the bruises and the scrapes. Though it kills you to watch them hurt, you know that if you don't let go, they will never learn. If you keep holding on, they will never experience the rush you feel when you coast down a steep hill for the first time all by yourself.

I am not responsible for other people's emotional state and let me just say, THAT IS A GOOD THING.

When Lonely Comes Knocking

It has become pretty predictable.

I know when loneliness is going to creep in. It's late at night, when both the internet and phone have become silent. It's early in the morning when you have no where to be. It's after hours of time alone and you have reenergized, ready to take on the world and there is no one around.

Loneliness has become a predictable element in my life. It always finds a way to attach to my heart for a short period of time, making my mind run in circles.

When loneliness hits it brings an aching into your soul that burns like nothing else. It has this habit of reminding you what you really want, what you really desire. The problem with the way loneliness makes you feel is that it gives you a false deception that it is can be cured easily. It whispers an answer that seems so simple, it whispers an antidote saying, "You will be happy. I promise you. You'll be happy and never hear from me again."

I haven't been on a date in a over a year and a half. I've had a few offers over the past year but decided that it was time for me to take a break from the whole dating scene. I had come to realize that I was in it for all the wrong reasons and I needed to take sometime to pull myself together. I thought I would only need about 6 months, but 6 months turned into a year and a year has turned into a year and 6 months. Truth is, I don't know if I'll ever fully 'emerge' myself back in. You won't find me on dating websites or apps. You won't find me out at the bars most nights trying to see if someone would notice me.

I asked God a very simple question not too long ago. I asked him, "Is marriage something you really have in store for me in the future? Or do I need to grieve that dream and let it go? I just want to accept whatever the truth is." God is not always one to answer me immediately but this time he did. I remember very instantly and almost audibly him saying, "Yes, marriage is something I have in store for you."

If that's not crazy enough for you, it gets even better. He has very distinctly put into my heart to not look for it. I'm not suppose to be out trying to make something work with someone. He has told me that he will bring it to me, I don't have to look, I don't have to manipulate, I don't have to go on playing the game. He'll bring it. Whoever it is that is meant to dive into that journey with me will not be able to shake me, they will not be able to run. Because God knows that I've never been the type to need multiple arms wrapped around me. He know's I've never wanted my heart falling for each guy who says my name just right. I've always wanted just one. That is all.

Despite knowing these things, loneliness has tried to sing a different tune to me. It's ache and moan can easily distract this faithful and trusting heart but there is one desire, one truth that has helped to defer it's tactful ways. The one truth that has helped me through the loneliest of moments is the truth that one day, I want to look into someone's eyes and tell them that I WANT them in my life, I don't NEED them.

Needing and wanting are different characters with two different agenda's. Working in a field with needy people has made me realize the difference between needing and wanting. To NEED someone is draining. It takes so much energy from a person. When you NEED someone, you are taking from them. Causing them to be drained constantly. But to WANT someone. Well, that's saying you choose to be there. You know how to be full and complete even if that person walks away. Doesn't mean you won't be sad, just means you will still survive. You can still live a full life.

Here's another thing I have learned about loneliness, it cannot be cured through another person. I sadly have heard too many stories of marriages and relationships where a person had someone yet was still utterly alone.

Loneliness will always try and offer you a cure, but the truth is that the only cure is to find happiness in the midst of loneliness. To find the strength and joy that exist outside of another person orbit. It's knowing that loneliness will always be a companion in your life. It will always find it's way to you, yet you can still not need anyone. You can still stand on your own two feet and hold your head high and know you're good. You. Are. Okay.

Hate is NEVER the answer

The internet has been a busy place this week. My Facebook page has been filled with post after post with people's opinions. I haven't said a word so far. I've sat back and watched as each post came across my newsfeed reading each and every single word that has been posted.

I'm not going to share my opinion on all the recent matters. Someone once told me that opinions are like arm pits, everyone has one and they all stink. The internet has become equivalent to a middle school hallway and I'm not about to stink it up even more.

But I am going to say this. No matter what you believe or where you stand in all the recent matters, HATE IS NEVER THE ANSWER.

Hate will not change people. Hate will not convict someone to choose a different path. All hate does is belittle people and hurt them. You want to change things? You want to make a difference in a persons life, then choose less words and instead give more time to people. Spend time with people who believe differently than you. Open your home to people who live differently than you. What you are going to find is that these people are just like you.

They have dreams, fears, scars, phobias, likes, dislikes, etc. Just like you. What might surprise you the most is that you might have more in common than you would ever like to admit.

I'll never forget a home I worked in when I was working as an in home counselor a few years ago. When I walked through the door, you could tell that it had been months since it had been cleaned. There was dog feces all over the floor. As I sat in the mold and bug infested kitchen with the mother in the house hold, I found out that she was an educated woman. She held three degree's, once had a successful career, and loved her family with all she had left inside of her. I sat with her daughter and saw pictures of the house. It was spot less at one point. There were no bugs, no mold, no dog feces at one point. What this woman taught me is that somethings (such as poverty, drug addictions, etc) do not discriminate. Don't be quick to think that just because you have an education, just because you grew up in a stable home or grew up in church that you are immune from falling into a dark hole.

Scripture has been tossed around and used as a way to spread judgment, judgement that no one has the right to throw out at people. But you know what scriptures I've yet to see? Scriptures like Matthew 7:3-4 which says, "And why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, 'Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye, ' when you can't see past the log in your own eye?" or James 1:19-20, " You must be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires."

So can we please stop the nonsense? If you have a problem with how things are going, write to the Senate, Congress, state Governor, Barak Obama, your mail man. Write whoever you want to write to in government. We live in a country where we still have the right and freedom to do so. You'll have a lot higher chance of changing things you feel need to be change through this method rather than posting your opinion on Facebook, Twitter, a blog, or whatever other social media outlet you use. I personally would like to go back to seeing pictures of your cute babies, your adventures, random movie reviews, and funny quotes on social media than to keep seeing political propaganda.

You are hurting people with your words, whether you realize it or not. And the ones who are getting hurt the most are sitting behind a screen, reading each word, and not saying a word.

Love is the answer people and I believe sometimes the best way to spread it is keep your judgements to yourself and go love on the people you disagree with.

A rant on being a woman.

I read something that I posted on Facebook today that I just loved. It was the question whether a woman preferred to be texted or called. The responses? One woman stated she HATED talking on the phone, another woman stated that if you really wanted to talk to her, you would call her. What was the men's response to this? There were no words from their mouths, just the word "dumbfounded" to describe their wordless responses.

This really made my day because it really describes woman so perfectly. I've been thinking about this and what it's like to be a woman ever since I read this and it sent me on a little rant of what it's like to be a woman.

First off, I just want to say that I love being a woman. It truly is hard at times, but I love being who I am. I also love having friendships with women. I have had the privilege to meet and form relationships with many women and I'm here to tell you, there are some beautiful, intricate women in this world whose hearts are full of goodness.

But if you get down and honest, women are sometimes the hardest to get along with and the hardest to understand. I've not only heard men say this but I've heard other women say it as well. I'm almost positive psychology was created not only to understand people in general, but to add some scientific equations in the quest to understand a woman.

Though it would be great to have an equation to understand women (trust me guys, we would use the same tool on each other if there was such a thing) there has yet to be one and there never will be. Want to know why?  It's because we are ironically both simple and complex in multiple ways. There are parts in us that are as simple as "yes" or "no" and other parts that are so complex that you would beg for a calculus problem rather than to dive into the complexity of our opinion when it comes to why we would rather you place the silverware down in the dishwasher rather than up. This balance of simple and complex are not a "one size fits all" type thing. What might be more simple in one woman might be more complex in another. We're all so different.

Women are complex but isn't that what's so intriguing about us? Isn't that why, despite all the complications, we still seek to have relationships with women? Whether that be a friendship or a romantic relationship. Because not only can a woman be physically beautiful, she can be intellectually intriguing, and have a heart that is bigger and more beautiful than any rare gem you can find on this planet.

So no, we are never going to be simple. We are always going to be complex in one way or another. If you know a women who is 'simple' she's lying to you. I have yet to really get to know a woman who isn't complex once you really get to know her. Yet, there are woman walking around wearing 'simple' mask. They have tried to fit themselves into these boxes because somewhere along the way they got the idea that to live outside of the box is undesirable. It could have been a man who made them believe this or another woman. It doesn't matter who told them, they sadly somehow morphed this lie into truth in their life.

I once had a man tell me he wanted to know who I was. It was a simple question, yet it changed my world to this day. The fact that at 26 years of age, he was the first person (let alone guy) who sincerely wanted to know what was inside of me changed me. It made me aware of how simple I was trying to make myself to be (when I'm not). It made me realize how I had hidden parts of me just so that I would never be a burden to anyone.

I'd sadly somehow come to the conclusion along the way that to be complex would be a BURDEN to someone.

Whether that guy genuinely wanted to know what is inside of me, I'll probably never know, but it did make me want to know what's inside. It made me want to take off my running shoes and finally sit with this big heart inside of me and not run when I didn't truly understand what was there. It lit a flame of hope in me that one would really want to know that and that they wouldn't run and hide when they came to realize that to really answer that question would require years of adventures, life events, and hours upon hours of conversation.

To all the women out there. Don't be afraid of what's inside of you. While avoiding the bad you're going to miss out on all the good things that live beneath the dirt and muck. You'll be surprised to find that you're more beautiful, mud and all, than you ever truly believed. You don't need someone to come into your life to make you believe it, you need to believe it for yourself first.

To all the men out there. Sorry (but not really sorry), we are never going to be simple. We are never going to be fully understood in just a few conversations. But I encourage you not to run the minute you become aware that you're sitting across the table from a woman who scares the shit out of you. Truth is, if she's willing to come back and sit across the table from you again, you probably scare the shit out of her, too. We're human, too. We are just as scared to know your heart as you are to know ours (hell, half of us are scared of our own). 

Women's hearts are big and complex but I promise you, whether you are a man or a woman, you won't regret diving head first in. 

Pain is (unfortunately) Essential

We have to suffer sometimes. We do.

I'm really bad about puking rainbows onto people daily. I'm always challenging people to look for the good in their situation. Even though it is healthy to vent about the problems you are dealing with, it is not healthy to continually moan and groan about your life. To constantly complain about the things going wrong in your life doesn't change your circumstance nor your perspective.

But that doesn't mean I don't believe in suffering.

That doesn't mean I don't think suffering and heartache are vital roads we have to choose to take sometimes. If we do not embrace the moments we experience suffering, we easily forget about the good things that shine bright in our life. Suffering and pain is needed to helps us grow, I believe it makes us better and happier people in the long run.

There is this mentality in our culture that you should always avoid pain. We've made this life into focusing on our happiness.

"If you're not happy with your circumstances then change them." That seems to be the melody of our time.

Though I believe there is a time in place for self empowerment and taking the reigns of your life and pulling yourself out of negativity. I also believe there is a time and place for sitting in your shitty situation and allowing it to make you better.

Sometimes tears are necessary. For maybe the ground we sit upon needs those tears to help grow something new and beautiful.

I recently read an old quote from Hannah Brencher where she was talking about the chiseling process. The process in which all the old things that weigh you down are being chiseled away.

The more I thought about this process, the more I realized how much it hurts. To allow parts that are apart of you to be chiseled away is going to hurt like hell. It's going to hurt, you will be uncomfortable the whole time, and guess what.... You're not going to be happy with the process. But if we really want to be new, if we really want to spend our lives dancing in freedom, we have to be unhappy for a while. We have to allow the pain so that one day we can spread our wings and we will be light enough for the wind to pick us up and allow us to fly.

The chiseling process looks different for each of us, maybe it's just an attitude change or a change in perspective. For others it might be a change of relationships or job. Whatever it is, it's not going to be easy and it might hurt in some way such as your pride or comfort zone. But I can't stop believing we were made for this. We weren't made to carry our past nor other peoples baggage on our shoulders. I personally believe in a God who became a martyr so that we wouldn't have to be one.

I started the chiseling process last year. It hasn't been easy and it hasn't always been fun. Yet, I'm waking up each day with a little more bounce in my step than the day before. I'm finding my life to take directions and turns I never considered possible before. My life is going in a direction that is filled with freedom and love. The cool thing about receiving freedom and love is you find yourself wanting to give it more often to others. If I can give anyone anything, that's exactly what I want to give them: freedom and love.

Control.

I struggle with control.

There. I finally said it.

I don't why. I really don't. 

Sure, life has thrown tragedy in my face a few times but the control was there before I knew of tragedy. Even as a kid, I was very driven and stubborn.

It's like the illusion of control is apart of my genetic make up. As if it was an issue entrusted into me before I had a choice. 

Lack of trust. Struggling to trust someone or something outside of yourself. 

That's what God has revealed to me as to what a control issue really is.

Life is kind of like a pinball machine if you think about it. You have two buttons to help guide and direct the pinball that is bouncing around, but you actually do not control the ball. You manipulate it to go in the directions you want it to, but you really do not control the ball. The control is only an illusion.

It's a driving force inside of me, this illusion of control. Constantly trying to rid me of my contentment and joy in life.

The other night I was riding with a friend of mine and I found the words 'okay' falling from my lips. "I'm okay." I told her, "I'm finally just okay and that's not a bad thing."

To be okay. To be stagnant. I'm coming to find that it's not horrible. I've always been so driven and controlling of my life that stagnant was never a comfortable place for me before. When I would reach a place of stillness, I would find my sense of control become heightened and I would go out looking for new things, looking for something to keep me moving.

Control isn't necessarily a bad thing. It takes good self control to maintain a healthy lifestyle. A certain amount of control has to be exhorted in so many aspects of our lives, but just like any other thing in life, when it becomes your mechanism to deal with problems, the one thing you depend on to make you feel normal again, it turns into a problem.

For me to say, "I'm okay and that's not a bad thing" is a huge leap for me. It's huge because 'okay' is not exciting. 'Okay' is not fireworks or adventures across the country. It's exactly what it sounds like. It's not being high on something good or swimming in the lows. You're just exactly where you are. Nothing horrible, nothing awesome. 

And that's where I'm finally letting myself be for a while. I'm letting myself float in the sea of 'okay'. I'm letting myself take in the joy and relaxation it has to offer. I'm drinking in the glass of contentment and for the first time believing I do not have to be in control of my life, every waking moment. I'm laying back, closing my eyes, and allowing my mind to be content with that. To be content with being right where I am.

To be in control of yourself and your life at all times is exhausting. You find yourself diving into the sea of over thinking and self doubt. It leads you to many wrestling matches with discontentment and low self-worth. 

It just became too much for me. To not trust anyone or anything other than myself became a lonely road. You can't bottle everything up and only allow yourself to know the hurts and pains you feel. You can't keep all your crazy thoughts and ideas floating around inside of you. They float because they have the ability to fly. You just have to let go of the control and allow them to leave. Those thoughts and ideas may never become anything or help anyone but you never truly know unless you release them.

Having a strong sense of control IS NOT a bad thing. It takes good, strong self control to accomplish the best things in this life. But we have to learn to let go of it at times. We have to be willing to be just 'okay' or sad or happy. We don't always have to be in control. 

I'm finding myself falling back on the one truth that has yet to fail me. The truth that some of the best things are not planned. Planning is another form of control. It's taking your future and it creates a false sense of security that something good and predictable will be waiting for you there. But the truth is that my best memories are things that weren't planned. My favorite encounters with people were the ones I didn't plan to have. 

So maybe control is not all it's cracked up to be. Maybe, just maybe, we can still have a fun, fulfilling life without controlling every direction it takes.

Thank You For Staying

Moms,

You know you can leave right?

I bet you know where the suitcase is. I bet you know which pile of unfolded clothes you could grab a handful of and know it will be enough to get you out, for you to leave.

You could walk away from being a mom anytime you want to.

Now, some of you are thinking, "This is absurd. There is no way I would leave my babies. Yes, I could run out of the house screaming some days, but I would always come back. Always."

For those thinking that, THANK YOU FOR STAYING.

Because you really could wake up one day and decide to leave it all behind you. Believe it or not, women make that choice everyday. You want to know why?

BECAUSE BEING A MOM IS THE HARDEST JOB IN THE WORLD.

It is by the far the hardest, under paid job in the world.

I work in a world where I have the sweetest souls walk into my office and tell me story after story about how their mom decided to stop being a mom.

The story doesn't always include a suitcase. Sometimes it involves pills, a bottle, a needle, a man. Just because the woman who gave birth to you is living in your home does not mean she's a mother to you.

So if you have a sweet little angel anxiously handing you a hand made card, or a grown adult calling you this Mother's Day, I want to tell you THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING THIS.

Thank you for the nights you sacrificed sleep.

Thank you for the days you handed that sweet child into their father's arms and walked away to refresh your mind.

Thank you for staying, when the judgmental stares came during a trip to the grocery store and the biggest temper tantrum of all time occurred.

Thank you for staying, when vomit and diarrhea find it's way onto your shirt and pants.

Thank you for staying when you didn't think you had the energy to.

Staying is half the battle. If you can stay, your halfway doing it. Give yourself credit for that. Really, it's a huge part of the job.

I especially want to say thank you to the step mothers, foster mothers, and adopted mothers of the world.

You did not carry that child in your womb. You did not spend 9 months, feeling that child grow inside of you.

You, especially you, DO NOT HAVE TO STAY.

But you do. You stay. Everyday you choose to love a child as if you had them with you from the beginning. Your love is just as strong and vibrant, ready to storm after anyone who ever tries to hurt them or harm them. You laugh with them, you cry with them, you get angry with them. Yet, you are probably the most under appreciated part of their lives. I hope you know, that even if your child never fully knows how to express it to you, YOU MEAN EVERYTHING TO THEM.

Mom's, I can never thank you enough for staying. I can tell you that I SEE you. I see what you are doing and you are doing it beautifully. You are dancing to the dance of motherhood beautifully, mistakes and all. Just because you stumble and fall from time to time does not mean you are a bad mother, it just means you're human. It means you are living, breathing, heart beating human who is still here on this planet to shower love onto your child. I can't tell you how many people wish their mom was still here to do that.

No, you won't always do it right.

No, you won't always feel like what you do is enough.

But I hope you always take the time to remind yourself that you don't have to be perfect. No one was ever looking for perfect. They just wanted to know that they could count on you to be there. That's it. Your imperfect presence is always what's longed for.

So on this Mother's Day, read the cards and words and believe them. Believe that what you are doing TRULY DESERVES TO BE RECOGNIZED.

Who you are is enough. Allow us to celebrate that about you this mother's day weekend. Allow us to celebrate YOU.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY.

Timing and Patience.

I have a thing with time. The 'thing' is that I'm ridiculously aware of it. It is very rare that I'm not subconsciously aware of how long I've been doing something or how long something will take. 

I really wish I could turn it off. I really just want to be this person who gets so lost in her day that before she knows it, the day is over. I want to do better at having days where I do not have plans and I walk out of the house and not look at the clock the rest of the day.

It's hard for me though. It's hard to be that person. Time is apart of who I am and it's hard to walk away from.

The hardest part for me, when it comes to my internal ticking clock, is accepting the fact that other peoples clocks are not on the same time zone as me. When you have this dominating sense of time, you tend to lose patience with the people easily. You forget that they feel time differently than you do and that neither one of you have the "right" timing.

I read an email this morning and in this email these simple words in a prayer were mentioned, "reduce me to love."

I'll be honest with you, that's all I want to do for people. I just want to love them. I want to love them right where they are, for who they are. I want to look them square in the eye and say, "Who you are is enough. Fault lines and all. You're beautiful. And when those fault lines shift and shake your world and mine, I'm still going to love you. I'm still going to want what's best for you."

The most commonly known scripture is 1 Corinthians 13:3-7. People love it because people love love and it's nice to have something to tell you what it's suppose to look like.

If you read this scripture, the very first characteristic used to describe love is patience.

We live in a world where not only do we want it, but we want it now. Hell, we get nervous and antsy when we send someone a text and they don't respond right away (especially in dating. Dear God. We are especially impatient when we are on the road looking for love.)

But love IS patient. Love IS setting our own time clock down and saying, " I'll wait for you. I'll wait for you as you work at your own pace. And if you get ahead of me I hope you love me enough to not rush me. I hope you can give me the time I need."

Reducing yourself to love is not easy, especially when the first thing love gives is patience in a world where patience is a dying breed. 

What all this has told me lately is that in order to love people the way you want to love them, you have to let go of your own time clock. You have to let go of that ticking inside of you so that you can love that person or yourself with patience. You can't expect everyone to see things in the timing you see them and you're only hurting yourself and your relationship with that person if you are not willing to be patient with them and allow them to figure things out in their timing. It's not our job to get people on our time clock. It's our job to love and respect their timing and know that you deserve the same in return.

I oddly have to use this same kind of love with myself. I don't like to be behind, I either want to be caught up with everyone or ahead. I'm having to learn this same level of patience with myself. I'm hoping with starting the practice with myself, it will some how manifest itself into my relationships with other people.

It's so hard to be that patient person, though. I hope I'm not alone in this when I say being a patient person feels near impossible. Especially when it's easy to speak of patience and hard to act on it. Patience has become an adjective when it really needs to be a verb. 

I believe patience is the first characteristic mentioned when describing love because it's the most important. It's the first thing we have to bite into and commit to, whether we are choosing to love ourselves or other people.

Love is the answer for me and I believe it will win in the end. I can't stop believing it will win in the end.